5.02.2020

Quarantine, Nowhere to Go but Within

Quarantine fucking sucks sometimes, can I get an amen?

I really hate that just got to my favorite city, work visa in hand, and was only granted 2 solid months to wander before we became locked up. I really hate that I had to cancel my trip to Costa Rica and Mexico City. HATE HATE HATE, GRUMBLE GRUMBLE GRUMBLE.

But even though I hate all this, I also know it's doing something to me. Something poignant. Something life-changing...

I'm being forced to stay still.

I have not stayed still like this for 7 goddamn years. I love the thrill of leaving and arriving. I'm always scrolling for flight deals, and take a lot of pride in my ability to fly like a bird.

Well this bird might be going batshit crazy right now, but she's also starting to realize that staying still is bringing a lot of value. I'm forced to venture within my mind to the deepest, darkest, saddest places. I'm confronting childhood issues, yes...those issues. I'm exposing the limiting beliefs within myself that make me a commitment-phobe and afraid of love. I'm uncovering more layers than I ever have before, to the dusty, musty, hard to reach places within my subconscious.

Here lies the root of Ashley's insecurities. Here lies the trauma. Here comes the tears. Here comes the writing. Page after page in my journal. Spilling out all of this muck. It's finally time to release it all. It's finally time to speak about it out loud.

My body is staying still, but my soul is making such crazy progress.

I'm going farther than I could ever go before. Onwards, to the next phase of my life: A life with even deeper connection and love. A life SO FUCKING FULL OF LOVE, maybe this bird won't need to fly all the time.

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