I am learning how to know my damn worth (my greatest lesson)

It's been 3 1/2 months in London already, and holy freakin cow, how does time fly by so quickly?

In the span of 3 1/2 months I moved here, found a place to live, now live with a great flatmate and cute dog, started dating a cute Italian, called it off with Italian last week (mutual and mature break up), and am fully living life as best I can.

London is a different feel from when I last lived here 6 years ago. I was a grad student then. I could have adventurous late nights and my hangovers didn't kill me then. I'm in my mid-thirties now (eek!) and I don't desire super late nights, nor do I desire copious amounts of alcohol. One of my worries about moving back here was that my change in lifestyle might affect my view of the city. Happy to report that while things feel different in London this time, they still feel so, so good. This is a multi-faceted city with no shortage of places to roam and amazing things to do. I'm now fully getting in the swing of things, making this a home again.

Everything I've been going through the last 3 months is about knowing my worth. Maybe that's been the point of my entire life journey and I'm just now awakening to it. Here are the things I've demanded the best from, because I am so DAMN worth it:

My Home Life: I didn't settle for a quick living arrangement out of fear. I waited to find the best fit for me, and have a flatmate on a similar life journey to me (with the cutest dog in the world, who brings waggy tails and happiness to me daily).

My Dating Life: This is the first time in my life I've been so open romantically. I jumped into dating a month into living here, and I met a great guy by leaping into the deep end. I'm so proud of myself for giving my all to the Italian. I'm also so proud of calling it off (last week!) when we realized timing was mismatched for our respective paths.

I miss the guy, but part of growing up is knowing that missing someone doesn't mean you should run back to that person. I am learning the hard lesson: loving myself is more important than running back.

So we'll move on, parallel to each other, and maybe someday those paths will cross again if it's right. Now comes the work of opening myself up to love again, whilst simultaneously closing a chapter with someone. It's a tricky, messy business and I am allowing myself to cry over this person and the hopes of what it could have been. No matter how short the relationship, he left a mark on me. I love that everyone we meet, everyone we let into our lives become a beautiful lesson that strengthens the core of who we are, and brings us back to loving ourselves. I have no anger towards him, and that might be one of the worst kind of break ups--where you think that person is so damn lovely, you simply can't hate them, but you just don't fit together at this point in time, and so you say a tearful goodbye.

My Workout Life: This is something I am about to embark on. I have never invested in workout classes before, but here I go! This is about me taking care of my mid-thirties body, which no longer sheds pounds simply by walking (darn). This is about less Nutella, and more endorphins of the sweaty variety.

My Biggest Obstacle: The biggest hurdle looming over me is my work visa, which is underway right now. In September, I fly back to the States to apply for my visa and make this all official. This is scary for me for multiple reasons. I'm leaving all of this up to fate, and I'm not going to entertain all the possible outcomes in this blog post. I know what's meant to be is meant to be, and that's what I am rolling with.

I added this to the list because I am not going to let uncertainty make me question my worth and my path. There will always be things that make us an anxious mess, but I am learning to trust the process, and to remember how strong and capable I am to make great things happen.


And there you have it. All of these life changes, all of the things mentioned above are helping me truly love myself for the first fucking time in my life. I'm not kidding, man. It was sometime back in October/November I finally realized I didn't like myself much. I was settling for a lesser life. I may have been brave moving from city to city, but I often retreated into my shell because I wasn't believing in my worth. I'd dabble in dating, then decide to abstain for months on end because I feared putting myself out there in a vulnerable way.

Well here I am, life! I am open hearted, and I am sometimes a crying mess from being so open hearted. I am knowing my worth. I am believing in the goodness of life despite shortfalls.

I am living, guys. I'm really doing this thing. And I am so incredibly proud of myself. I'm so, so worth it.

The Shedding of Old Ashleys

I'm in in the process of stripping away all the old Ashleys I no longer want to carry. London has been helping me with this. Maybe only London can help me with this.

By old Ashleys, I mean all the parts of me that no longer serve me. They brought me here, but they bring me no more value. There was deeply depressed and neurotic Ashley in New York City. And restricted and freezing Ashley in Boston. In all cities, there is the Ashley that constantly chases and obsesses over unavailable men. And my whole life, the Ashley that thinks she's perfectly happy being eternally single and independent, but secretly wants some real love in her life. This new Ashley is saying out loud how she wants deeper connection, and to be held, and to be valued.

I am confronting all the old ladies, and letting them know they can pack up their things now. Because here we are, back in the city that started my transformation. And here we are, back to continue that lovely, difficult, amazing transformation process.

It's funny that a place considered so stuffy and repressed is the one place that allows me to be free. I connect with London because I, too, was once stuffy and repressed. (Just to say, London is not that stuffy, it's just an introverted city, which is probably why I love it).

Being an expat pushes me in ways that no other experience is able to. It's pushing me towards the Ashley I want to be. The one who fully and openly acknowledges what she truly wants is deep, vulnerable, reciprocal community. She wants love of all sorts--romantic love, friend love, all love--she wants to be BRIMMING FULL of love.

Through crying, and healing practices, and inner child work, and taking the time everyday to make space for love (most of all, learning to love myself), new Ashley is starting to become a regular around here, and I'm pretty overjoyed about that.

Becoming an Expat, Again (It's not as glamorous as you think)

Cherry blossoms in Kew Gardens. Should I make an obvious metaphor for my life right now? 

I've been back in London for 2 weeks, and there have already been ups and downs. I've been overwhelmed by a range of emotions coming back, and it's the usual cocktail of fear and anxiety: I am reminded that moving continents is never an easy jump, no matter how familiar you are with the place you're moving to.

The last time I moved to London was about 6 years(!) ago. A lot has happened in 6 years! I am back in the city where I feel most alive, most at peace, and most myself. Therefore, in moving back I am confronted with myself in a very harsh and heavy way, including the bad habits I picked up over my lost years. I am now in the thick of my healing process (which began in Boston). I feel naked and alone with my thoughts--the healing is being fast tracked now.

I suppose this post seems a little dark, but that's because the process of bettering yourself involves shedding a lot of facades, lies, heartache, and energy that does not serve you. I'm so proud of myself for doing this work, for moving back, and for acknowledging and admitting that this is hard. I'm rebuilding my life again, and it's going to be a bit clunky at first.

I could slap a filter on this experience and brag about how well I'm doing, how you should be jealous, and oh, look at me! I'm so worldly and amazing! I've got it all together!

Instead, I want you to look at me: a woman who is scared but brave. One who is not certain she is always making the right decisions, but is following her soul's instructions, anyway. One who misses her parents and feels guilt over leaving them in San Diego, but knows this path is true and right.

This is the start of my journey of being an expat, again. I am thrilled and scared. I am so alive. 

Onwards to 2018 and Finding Joy

I'm in San Diego for the winter, and in an attempt to defrost from Boston, I've made time to sit in the sun and soak up those soul-warming rays. Taking the time to cater to my endorphins and just BE in that moment--without a phone, without even speaking--got me thinking: Why don't I do this more often?

Here's the Ashley of 2017: a woman coming back to life, but not quite there yet. 

Well, 2018 is almost here and I really like the act of assigning a resolution/theme to the new year--so here we go: I want 2018 to be the year that I start to find joy again.

The past few years, post London, I feel like I've been chasing a really good dream I had. Boston is the closest I've come to loving a city again the way I loved London; however, I have developed some behaviors from my depressed years that I'm now hoping to shed. I am a deeeeeeep thinker by nature, a worry wart, and a lady who lives in her head most of the time (hello, I'm a pisces, nice to meet you).  All of these things got amplified during my times of sadness, and anxiety has become my unwelcome best friend. Anxiety, as we all know, is the stealer of joy.

Humans are the most interesting beings, in that we can live a whole life in our heads without actually living at all! Sometimes all I can see is the road I could take, rather than the road I am currently taking. All this obsession, all this worry has not served me well. So how can I change my behaviors? A few changes I will be implementing this year:

*In the morning when I first wake, resisting the urge to dive into social media. Instead, writing (setting an intention for the day or getting out my thoughts on paper), and/or doing yoga. When I commit myself to either one first thing in the morning, I notice a big difference in the day. 

*Planning group events and creating joy myself. Not waiting for joy to come to me, but being the creator of the good times.

*Continuing my love affair with taking pictures of the world, which turns my eye towards the beauty around me (I've always been good at this one). 

*Allowing myself to laugh, joke, be silly, and remembering the good in life. Letting go of the need to be right, and instead surrendering to the need to be loved. 

*Reading books that touch on reprogramming the brain, such as Daring Greatly (my current read). 

I've been putting this into practice already, and I feel tension releasing from my jaw. The political climate the past year has had us all in a tizzy. I'm placing down my arms and choosing to still find the goodness in life (this doesn't mean I'm apathetic. It just means I'm not going to be in battle mode all the goddamned time).

No matter where I roam, life is seriously beautiful. I choose to contribute to that beauty. Not only do I choose to find joy, I choose to be the creator of joy. Cheers to you, 2018! I come to you with an open heart, ready to be filled to the brim. 

2017 was about waking up

We're nearing the end of 2017 (how did that sneak up on us), and I'm happy the end is near.

Politically, this year was a catastrophe. Personally, I was on the mend from a brutal last year in NYC.

It's funny how long it takes for your body and mind and spirit to heal after a bout of depression. There is depression, and then there is after depression*. It's not like it's so easy to snap out of sadness when you've been comfortable sitting it for so long: it's lukewarm, and not that pleasant, but kind of comfortable enough that you stay in it.

I was fully depressed in 2016 (weren't we all?). I spent a lot of 2017 away from NYC, taking looooong trips to California and Europe. It was these trips that brought me into my after depression phase. A phase where a lot of good moments started to come my way, but I couldn't relish in them completely. I was learning how to live again and not reside in the darkness of my mind.

The move to Boston gave me a spark of life, but moving to a new place comes with its own set of complications. Being new is about learning who to hang out with, where to live, and how you fit into the city. It's been a good, strength-building process.

Every year around this time "New Year, New Me" posts come out. The New Year means new beginnings, it's true; but that doesn't mean it'll always be this HAPPY AMAZING FANTABULOUS year. Sometimes it'll be a crappy year. Or a year of growth. Or, maybe, our best year yet.

Still, we strive for that best year yet, and I can't be mad at us for trying. By us, I mean humans and our simple, lovely ideas of having an eternally happy life, however misguided that may be. While we strive, I'm happy knowing that 'losing our way' does not mean we are lost completely.

2017, thanks for waking me: emotionally and politically. My year of after depression and being in a sleepy haze is no more.

2018, here I am, fully awake. Lovely to see you. I have big plans.

___________________________

*after depression is not a real term, but it should be. 

Beginnings in Boston

Boston has been pretty good to me so far. I've been able to relax more and get out of the extreme city mode that is NYC. I still live in a rather city-esque part of Boston called the North End:

It's a cute little Italian area that is sometimes overrun by annoying tourists (says the girl who moved here a month ago). I love all the cafes, pizza places, and delicious delis around me (note to self: do not get fat).

By far, my favorite thing about my new place is the best rooftop view in the city:

I'll sit up here, sometimes for hours, and take in this scene. I have to before winter kicks in! (gulp).

Boston is the 3rd new city I've moved to, so I feel like I've done this before. I understand my emotions a lot more this time around. At the month mark, I always get a tad mopey. It's always the mark where there is a realization of "oh! I'm living here. It's not a vacation, it's life." Then, I always get over it and carry on.

We're now at the happy carrying on phase, and I think I'm doing more than carrying on--I'm creating a pretty great life here.

This is my beginning in Boston.

Boston: Where Revolutions Come to Fruition, Including My Own

In 11 days, I'll be hauling all my stuff out of my Brooklyn apartment and heading north to Boston. Like so many adventure seekers and settlers before me, I see Boston as a symbol of freedom and coming into my own. Boston is a land where revolutions come to fruition, and I see that happening within myself.

I've been envisioning and writing down the good things I expect to happen in Boston. They include:

• Letting romantic love come into my life after running away from it for so long. 
• Learning to trust people again after a harsh year with an aggressive roommate.
• Regaining confidence after experiencing a long bout of unrequited love, which no doubt magnified my insecurities.
• Loving life once more.

I do not expect this move to be a fantasy land, but a space where I can start over with the best mindset I've had in years. I have survived the jungle of New York and come out incredibly strong. I know what I want, and I know the steps I am going to take to get it.

NYC, you fine-tuned me in a way that no other city could. I am better for it, but I am exhausted.

Boston, I am so ready to take refuge in you, like so many settlers before me, with all the same dreams of true independence, with all the same dreams of a revolution.

I'm Shipping Up to Boston!

If you are friends with me on social media, then you know I have announced I am moving...

TO BOSTON! 

I first fell in love with Boston about 2 years ago. It was a lovely June trip with perfect weather and a spontaneous Red Sox game thrown in the mix--I was sold.

When I first moved east for my job (also about 2 years ago) I was allowed to pick what city I wanted to live in; however, Boston already had two advisors residing in it, so I knew I'd have to choose a different city to call my own. Having visited New York before, I went full force NYC.

It's been a crazy challenging two years in the biggest American city. I've been torn to pieces, a typical story for all that have come to live here. Tired, torn, challenged to the max, and ready to relax, I had a talk with my boss about moving to another city. I had Boston on the mind, but knew I needed to visit for a longer stay. I chose March for my visit, knowing the weather wouldn't be INSANELY cold, but also wouldn't be terribly comfortable. The week I stayed, I got hit with freezing temps, a blizzard, and crazy winds...

AND I STILL LOVED IT. 

I got in on a Friday, and announced I was moving to Boston by Tuesday. Not even a full week had passed and I knew it was my home.

I'll have a lot to write about Boston in coming months, but until then, I'll enjoy my time left in NYC. Actually, I don't have a lot of time left, as my travel schedule goes as follows:

April 1-4: Miami for a Bachelorette
April 4-13: NYC
April 13-16: New Orleans for a Wedding
April 16-26: San Diego to visit home :)
April 26-May 2: NYC
May 2-June 6: London, Northern England, Wales, Amsterdam, France (ooohhhhhh yeahhhhh)
June 6-August 15th: NYC

NYC, you and I have less than 3 months left. We'll make the most of it, you crazy sonofabitch! (I can never say that you're not fun).

Mostly, I'm looking forward to changes. I'm looking forward to a healthier lifestyle. I'm looking forward to a life unfolding the way I choose.

I wrote this blog post after I first visited 2 years ago: 

Boston,

You have joined the ranks of Cities I Adore, Cities I Would Live In, and any other love list I can make for cities. You've got beauty, you've got style, you've got history, and you've got that sexy attitude. Clearly the full package, I can't help but wonder if I will indeed live in you one day. Like Rome, London, New York, and other cities I keep close to my heart, you are a new favorite I will dream of on the rough days, my beautiful muse...

Until We Meet Again,
Ashley xoxo

...

Looks like I'm shipping up to Boston.

Here's Looking at You, 2016

I'm excited for 2016. This is because 2015 was the year I got off my sorry ass and finally moved out of San Diego.

San Diego is not a dead end for most; it's beautiful in it's simplicity. For me, there comes a time when you know--YOU JUST KNOW--that you have outgrown a place. I had known for years, but still tried to hang onto some remnants of San Diego I loved. My family and friends were really the only things keeping me there.

However, what everyone learns (at some point in their lives) is that living an unauthentic existence simply because you don't want to hurt other people only does a disservice to everyone. The mind, the body, the spirit all become depressed pretending to love a life you're not actually connected to. When you start feeling like a shell of a person, you are no longer enriching anyone's lives, especially your own.

And so, as most of you know, I packed up and moved to New York City on a complete whim. The past 4 months have been a whirlwind in the City. There's been an adjustment period--a time for building community and getting used to this new life. There have been nights where I have asked myself if I made a mistake, and mornings where I brushed off my doubts as growing pains. It's all part of the process, and I am a big believer in the quote that "the process is the result." I am already a changed person from all of four months ago.

Moving into a new year, I couldn't help but make a resolution list to continue my process of growing, living, and learning. So here we are, my Resolutions for 2016:

1. Visit one New Landmark in NYC Each Week. New York is HUGE and slightly overwhelming. I want to see it all and sometimes am unsure of where to start. I started making a list of things I must see to conquer them all. One landmark a week is certainly doable.

2.  Travel. Attempt to save up and take a trip to London and Berlin in late spring (HOPING I can swing this one). Go to Boston for St. Paddy's Day. Visit Philly in early March (this one is happening for sure).

3. Continue to Grow at my Job. I waited so loooooong to get this position. As I was adjusting to a new city, I was also adjusting to a new job. I'm doing well, but I really want to start to SHINE in my new role. This involves perfecting and organizing my daily schedule to maximize my time and energy.

4. Meet More People in the City. I already have a solid community in NYC, but I want to continue making more friends! This may include joining a club/league/something.

5. Write Down What I'm Thankful For EACH Day. Life gets hectic anywhere; life in NYC is hectic x1000. If I don't take the time to appreciate what I have everyday, I'll miss it all. To add to this, I wanna get back in the swing of blogging...so a post once a week (at least) is my goal.

I'm excited for 2016, and I am excited to live this life. Who says you need to slow down at 30?! Not this lady.

Acclimation, to the Weather and Much More

As the weather has been dropping, I've been warming up to NYC. It always takes me a solid two or three months to really acclimate to a new place and I constantly have to remind myself of that. I'm an impatient and restless soul, the worst combination. I've been running around like a mad woman, going to fairs for work, learning a new job, meeting new people, traveling a bit, already shedding some tears over a couple guys (I know, right?), but overall keeping an open heart and open mind to LIFE.

I'm proud of my impatient, restless self for realizing that there is an acclimation process to every new story--the period in which you are introduced to the setting, the characters, and the overall disposition of the heroine. And, boy, does she have an adventurous disposition. These bright eyes only see possibilities when thinking of what may come with the next turn of the page.

In Love with a Dirtbag (named NYC)

I've been here almost a month and I can hardly believe it. I am living in New York (I always feel that one month makes it more official). I'm here, guys.

Confession: when I first got to NY, I didn't miss San Diego that much; however, I found myself weirdly missing London. Yepppppp. Hello, my name is Ashley, anglophile and more specifically, London addict. In true Ashley fashion, comparisons between the two cities flooded my mind. I was missing some major things about my old home across the pond, such as:

• The Tube: Prettier, easier to navigate, and more efficient than the Subway. 
• Clean Streets: London is pretty damn immaculate for such a big city. New York, you are a dirty, dirty place and you should be ashamed of yourself (ok, you have some pretty areas). 
• Being an Expat: I loved being the American in a sea of Brits and other cultures; here, I'm not special. Just another transplant living in the citayyyyy...nothing to see here! 
• Reserved Culture: That extremely reserved culture in London meant less crazies/cat-calling/annoying people on a daily basis.

But...but...BUT...

Before you roll your eyes and tell me to "Move on from London already, you pathetic baby!" I must tell you this: 

NYC offers community like no other. More than San Diego, more than London. And this is the most important aspect of any city. 

I know my claim is completely unscientific, but based on my personal experience I have never made so many friends so fast and so easily. I attribute this to four things: 

1. I'm better at meeting people now than when I was a more shy, more awkward 20-something girl. 

2. New York makes you talk. You sit down at a bar here and someone's gonna talk to you. Heck, you stand at the subway platform, and sometimes someone will talk to you there, too! I'm not sure shy is a word here? And reserved...uh...fuggedaboutit! 

3. This city knows how to have fun. It gets an unfair rap for being rude; on the contrary, it's just a city of honesty--honest in it's sadness, grumpiness, happiness, etc.

4. There are so many transplants here, we all band together because who else will take us?!?


I'm embracing this place as home. I have a community already, and it makes my little heart so happy! I'm falling in love with a dirt bag, and his name is New York City. 

What I've Been Up To (Going Crazy, But Having Fun)

Oh heyyyyyyyyyy everyone...remember little ol' me?

The reason I have been majorly absent? Finding a place in NYC has been taking up all of my sweet, sweet time. Well, ok, not ALL of it. But quite a bit. It's a little exhausting, but the quest must continue and I will find my home! Either that, or I'll become a Woody-Allen-level-of-neurotic homeless person (we can't have that).

Until that happens, let me show you what I've been up to:

1. Staying with this Amazing Friend

Meet Christian. The kind of guy that lets you stay at his place while you look for apartments. An encourager. Will give you the clothes off his back and pillow from his bed (he actually gave me his pillow and didn't tell me, and when I found out, promptly bought my own pillow so he had something to rest his head on!). Your gay date to a Roaring 20s birthday bash. An outstanding human.

2. Using Trusted Housesitters, Again



To give Christian a break, I utilized trustedhousesitters.com again and watched a little pooch named Snickers for 5 days on the Upper West Side. The picture above was the view from the studio I was staying in. I lucked out majorly!! I'm really learning to love this useful website. This is the second time it's saved my ass! Oh, and two pictures of Snickers (I miss him ALREADY):

SNICKERS FACE. I LOVE HIM!!



3. Hanging Out in Central Park like ALL THE TIME



I can't get enough of Central Park. It's gorgeous and sometimes I forget I'm in the city when I'm there (a different dimension?).

4. Working like CRAZY

I'm loving a lot of things about my job. It's hectic, it keeps me on my toes, and it's just what I needed.


***

Things are going pretty well, overall. How blessed am I that I already have friends in the City?? While not having an official place to live can be stressful, I know that will come very soon for me. I always say I'm a girl that likes challenges...well this is certainly a challenge! So cross your fingers for me and send good thoughts my way...

...and now it's time to read some of your lovely blogs that I have missed dearly! 

NYC Beginnings

I'm sitting in my friend's hot apartment, looking up places to live, downloading NYC subway apps on my phone, and having it start to hit me that NYC is my new home.

The body always goes through an initial shock with a move--physically I am in this new city, mentally I am catching up just a little.

Some things I've learned about life in the city:

• Carrying around a bottle of water with you at all times is necessary in the summer, unless you like fainting! 
• New York may have the most crazies out of any city I've been to, like the guy who spat and screamed at a police car riding by, "F**K the police!" 
• The energy in this city is contagious. You almost believe you don't need sleep. 
• Everyone has a story about how they got to NYC. I haven't met that many born-and-raised New Yorkers. 
• So many karaoke bars to go to, so little time. 
• New York may have the best food (and most choices) of any city I have ever been to. 

I'll feel very settled once I secure a place and set up my room, which should happen in about a week. That's when mentally I will know--this is home, now. 

2015, Let's Dance! (A Resolution Post)

I shimmied into 2015 with a "David Bowie New Year," meaning that we played some classic Bowie songs and tricked Zach into letting us paint his face. It was a fantastic time, but not just because of the festivities (cue self-reflection). Mostly, I was quite happy to say goodbye to 2014 and look toward a new year.

2014 wasn't all bad, but it included a lot of unwanted transitional jobs and homes that left me feeling like a vagabond. I took a job with what turned out to be a misogynistic workplace (eek!), had a falling out with a friend (first time I've gone through such a thing), and was left riddled with a lot of anxiety and doubts. While some of the things that happened this year were necessary for change and growth, I'm glad they are done with. Moving forward, I'm now gaining steam at a company I love, thinking big ideas, and learning how to shed that anxiety.

So then, resolutions. I didn't want to make a long resolution list, but I did want to focus on some themes for 2015:

1. Choose to Connect, Rather than Withdraw: Even when things are not going my way, I want to learn to not harness that bad energy into my demeanor. Sometimes when I'm having a rough time, I can sink into myself, put up walls, and close off. The thing I've learned is that even when my day is unfortunate, connecting with other humans always turns my day around. I want to practice putting this into action this year, as it can have a marvelous effect.

2. Live with Compassion for Others: Going further, I don't just want to connect more with people, but I want to shift my focus on being more compassionate. At least once a week, I want to write a letter, make a card, buy lunch, or do ANYTHING nice for someone else...even strangers! This is the pay it forward mentality, and setting it as a "once a week" thing makes it totally doable.

3. Write Down Three Things I'm Grateful For: I'll start out weekly, but hopefully this can become a daily practice...maybe I'll even incorporate some of these things into my posts? I even know a friend that has made a journal exactly for this purpose, guess I should buy it!


As you can see from all my resolutions, I want to work on training my brain to think outside the box and go beyond the negative prison we can so easily put ourselves in. 2014 was transitional, and I'm mighty glad I went through all the growing pains. There is always something to learn from the past, no matter how painful it might be.

But man, 2015, I sure am happy to see you...for God's sake, let's do a little dancing this year, shall we?

After London: A Rejuvenated Woman

I've been back in San Diego a few days and have had the chance to catch up to this time zone and my thoughts. Going to the UK was sooooooo good for my soul. I feel refreshed and less lost. I feel like I have a semi-plan. I feel like I can rest a little easy. 

Before leaving, I had this fantasy of London in my mind. It's what we do with memories: whilst I had remembered the bad things about London, the good things were dominating my every thought. There was nothing anyone could say, any therapy session could bring forward, or that I could even tell myself to calm my lusting over London. I had to go back. I had to experience the actual place again. 

London is and always will be a fantastic, cultured, and gorgeous city. It's one of my cities. But it's not the only city I can live in. By the end of my trip, I resolved that while I love London dearly, I do not have to move so many miles away from San Diego to be happy. There are comparable places to London here in the U.S., places I intend to look into. Places I'd like to check out and apply to (making big plans around here). And while I would move back to London for a good job opportunity, it's not my main target. It's a love, but not my only love. 

To finally make a decision on London and not be so confused, wishy-washy, and full of doubt is...REJUVENATING. I feel like new!

Now, get ready for an onslaught of travel posts and shameless bragging over the very inspiring, emotional, beautiful trip I just had. Dare I say I deserved it? Yes, I think going to London was simply divine. 

The Change Up

Wanted to de-clutter and play around with a new layout. Still might change the header, though! Feels good to do a bit of spring summer cleaning.

Image from Pinterest (where else?)
Layout from Carrie Loves Design Studio

Navigating Hallways (a Post on Sadness)

I believe I am turning a small but significant corner. 

The worst part about sadness--or, dare we say depression--is that life looks like one long, taupe-colored hallway that leads to nothing. Everyday seems like the same boring occurrence. In this state of mind, life unfortunately starts to lose its meaning. It matters not if you're religious or atheist, a go-getter or a homebody--depression can affect everyone.

Once I figured out there are sneaky corners to turn into off the proverbial hallway, I started to see said hallway for what it was: something I needed to get through, but not my ultimate destination. Hallways are uninteresting passageways. They are not particularly enjoyable. They hardly ever contain art, music, or even life; however, they are connectors to the place you are trying to get to. I'm not even sure hallways have a meaning. I don't think we were "meant to have sad times in life" more so than sad times inevitably happen, and the way we choose to navigate the sadness is where the meaning is found. 

In my hallway I've chosen to accept, trudge forward, turn the corner, and eventually find the room I'm meant to get to. And let me tell you, the most important step out of all these things is acceptance. I've accepted that this has been a rough period in my life and simply, I cannot be happy all the time. A quote from a great book: 

"If you're miserable, there's nothing really wrong with that, but if you're hating being miserable, then it's hell. If you're miserable and not hating it, you'll probably move through it pretty quickly. Experiences do move along quickly when we're present and not resisting." 

The book goes on to say we need to be compassionate toward ourselves during these times of misery. Accept that you are feeling sad, but don't hate yourself for feeling that way. 

Going back to the hallway, the corner I've turned is the result of a couple changes I've made. If they pan out, I'll talk more about them later--watch this space! I'm still wandering the hallway, but feeling a little less lost. I think I've finally figured out that I don't have to figure it all out. Somedays are just made for being. We're not always supposed to know what the future holds, but rather remain in the present, content with not knowing. There's something a little freeing in that. 

Because You Can't Wait for Life to Make Plans for You

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One of the things I miss about London (besides London itself) is being so close to so many other countries. I really miss my monthly trips to foreign lands! I know, I know #firstworldwhitegirlproblems. I was always making fun plans, researching my next move, going on numerous adventures...I felt alive. 

Coming back, my plans dwindled and I felt more trapped, stuck and stagnant. A few weeks ago, I finally realized I had to change. I've been on the up and up, lately. It's a slow movement upward, but it's UP for once. You can only lay at rock bottom for so long before you realize, "man, I need start making plans toward the life I want, rather than letting it all pass me by."

Those plans do not include a move anytime soon, but rather that I get moving in this city. Here are 10 things I am doing to reclaim my throne as Queen Ashley, Trier of New Things (my official title).

1. Therapy: This is a big one. I'm only going once every two or three weeks, but it's major. It's all about changing your thinking.

2. Reading: The therapist recommended a book: There's Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate by Cheri Huber. Basically, a book to help evaluate the negative thoughts in your head, and how you just gotta push those suckers out!

3. African Dance Class: I've been signing up for more random crap I haven't tried before. On the agenda tonight? An African dance class, because I think it will be a freeing experience!

4. Capping the Amount of TV I Watch: This one is HUGE for me. As much as I like Mad Men, I don't want to be stuck inside, watching episode after episode (of sometimes depressing material). This is not the time or place for that.

5. Getting Outside: I now force myself to get outside at least 3 times during the work week. Even if I'm feeling lazy or in a Netflix mood (see # 4), I force myself to take a walk instead.

6. Finding and Talking with other European-Minded Folks: Meaning, people who have left the bubble and like talking about it. There's a world out there, and it goes beyond this office/town/country! And when I find these people, it makes a HUGE difference in my day.

7. Saying Yes to Invitations: When I moved to London, a very wise friend told me, "Don't turn down an invitation to go out, unless you're deathly ill or you have 3 cents in your bank account." I'm going to utilize this theory in San Diego as well.

8. Stopping the Comparisons: London is not San Diego, and vice versa. I'm notorious for comparing, which is fun when having a debate, but it's unhelpful when trying to adjust. When I feel myself comparing, I stop that thought process and think about what I do like about my surroundings.

9. Taking Linda's Advice. Follow the link!

10. Bringing My Mind to the Present When it Wanders: I can see myself on a train, sipping a coffee, heading to a different time and place than here. The problem with that is I end up losing now in the process. I don't want to lose the very minutes before me. It is those minutes that hold precious plan-making opportunities, or very real connections I could be making with those around me.

These are small plans; however, they are all plans that will slowly reorient me toward a life I want to live. I'm getting on track to once again living a life that's actually full of life, not just surviving from day to day. I've felt the difference, and I'm making the plans to get back to living. Because I can't and won't wait for life to make plans for me.

Crossing Over

I debated about whether I should post about this and ultimately decided that I wanted to share it with all of you. Maybe it can help someone. More likely, it's good for me to write it out.

I had a panic attack on Thursday. At work.

I've never gone through such a thing before, so when it was happening I didn't know what exactly was happening, other than I couldn't breathe, which made me feel even more frantic. Basically, my body was having a reaction to stress.

What caused the stress? Very simply: my own mind. When I don't have an immediate solution to something, I dwell on the problem. Then dwelling turns to catastrophizing.

The Real Issue

Independence has always been a big theme for me. I've been classified as the "strong" one many times in my life. I've taken pride in that. However, labels can cause more damage than good. While I was busy being the strong one, I was cheating myself out of the very necessary practice of being vulnerable.  Or rather, I failed to see that vulnerability = strength.

I haven't voiced enough--on here or in real life--how much I miss London, how I think about it everyday, and how I unhealthily compare it to San Diego. Every. Day. I've been needing to voice it, but I haven't. For fear of sounding like a broken record, or for fear of seeming too weak, I suppose. I wanted to move on to getting happier and feeling better, but failed to voice how I was really feeling.

So let me write this out once. How I really feel:

I am a woman who absolutely loved living abroad and is completely unsure if I made the right decision in coming home. I feel pressures from family to stay in my hometown. I also know I haven't given my hometown a proper chance since being back and am unsure how to do so. I want to learn how to appreciate life no matter where I am, but I can't shake the feeling that I was made to live in other places. I am stubborn and want to be perceived as having strength; while sometimes I am strong, I also have moments of incredible weakness. I am human. I don't like to admit that. I've been feeling sad, edging on depression for the last few months. I've been feeling stuck and suffocated. This all finally caught up with me, and so my body reacted to all the turmoil!

Whew!

The Real Solution

The good thing about panic attacks (there's a good thing?) is that it forces you to talk. I don't have a choice to hide my thoughts any longer. So I'm talking. And even looking into seeing a therapist if that will help me sort through my layers UPON layers of thoughts. I'm saying a prayer to the higher power.

I'll end on a high note: the other day, my friend pointed out that I always show him pictures of bridges, and that I "must really love them." You know what? I do. I love the idea of crossing over bodies of water (or anything with a death drop) and making it to the other side. Total faith must be put in the bridge--and the process of crossing the bridge--to get to the safe haven. No matter the dangers that are threatened (earthquakes, strong winds, typhoons), I will choose to cross anyway. I'm crossing now, knowing I have to put the legwork in being more open and more vulnerable. I choose to not let anxiety control my thoughts; I'm crossing over instead.

Funny enough, these pictures were taken the very day I had the panic attack (I had it earlier in the day). Funny how bad days always have the opportunity to turn around into something beautiful.

How do you deal with anxiety? Your tips and tricks would actually be very appreciated!

Readjusting

To preface this post, I wanted to mention that I'm watching my sister's cat for about 3 weeks while she's on vacation. This required me packing up his stuff and moving him to my house. He's been here about 2 days, and hasn't come out of hiding. He's scared shitless and is unsure of this new territory.

This is important to bring up, because well, I'm like the cat.

I was quite comfortable in my little home in London. San Diego has always been home, so it was very distressing to come back and have it not feel like home at all. London had become my comfort zone, and in a weird twilight-zone turn of events, San Diego became unfamiliar.

This is slowly changing. SLOWWWWWLY. What helps is reading articles like this. And keeping as busy as possible. And remembering that it's ok (and normal) to feel a bit depressed. I won't wallow, and I won't frown all day, but I will acknowledge that there have been moments of sadness while being back. I'm allowed this.

HOWEVER, I am also aware that I am so, so lucky to have had this experience. I mean, I had the privilege to live overseas (a dream of mine!). I fulfilled a major life goal. I grew, I changed, I learned.

So at this time, I'm allowing myself to mourn the loss of London, while also reminding myself that I can visit again (I'm aiming for my graduation next summer)...and that things are going to be ok. Kitty and I are just readjusting.