Self-Analyzing, What's New?

Went to my parents' 30th anniversary dinner today. Well, that's a long time to be married.

Lately, I've noticed myself being slightly obsessed with the idea of relationships, which is completely unlike me. I mean, I know better--looking for a relationship is simply foolish. I've always believed that relationships, and love, should be accidental. What's the point in trying to plan out love?

I think this yearning (I hate that word) for a relationship is the direct cause of trying to let go of J. And I'm really failing at letting go. I still think about him, every day. And that's much too often. Although he's still my friend, he just doesn't deserve that much of my time. But in so many ways, he was that accidental love--the kind that ambushed me out of nowhere. And now that I must give him up, it's extremely hard to recover. But what better way to recover than to cling onto someone else...

That's obviously WRONG!! I never thought I would be that girl...

I'm frustrated now because I know I sound so very foolish. In the end, I know how picky I am, and I know I would never start a relationship if it wasn't right. As much as my heart aches to heal all its wounds, I would never use a person to do it.

I know that I have to do it all on my own. But healing pain on your own...that's the scariest idea ever.