It's been 3 1/2 months in London already, and holy freakin cow, how does time fly by so quickly?
In the span of 3 1/2 months I moved here, found a place to live, now live with a great flatmate and cute dog, started dating a cute Italian, called it off with Italian last week (mutual and mature break up), and am fully living life as best I can.
London is a different feel from when I last lived here 6 years ago. I was a grad student then. I could have adventurous late nights and my hangovers didn't kill me then. I'm in my mid-thirties now (eek!) and I don't desire super late nights, nor do I desire copious amounts of alcohol. One of my worries about moving back here was that my change in lifestyle might affect my view of the city. Happy to report that while things feel different in London this time, they still feel so, so good. This is a multi-faceted city with no shortage of places to roam and amazing things to do. I'm now fully getting in the swing of things, making this a home again.
Everything I've been going through the last 3 months is about knowing my worth. Maybe that's been the point of my entire life journey and I'm just now awakening to it. Here are the things I've demanded the best from, because I am so DAMN worth it:
My Home Life: I didn't settle for a quick living arrangement out of fear. I waited to find the best fit for me, and have a flatmate on a similar life journey to me (with the cutest dog in the world, who brings waggy tails and happiness to me daily).
My Dating Life: This is the first time in my life I've been so open romantically. I jumped into dating a month into living here, and I met a great guy by leaping into the deep end. I'm so proud of myself for giving my all to the Italian. I'm also so proud of calling it off (last week!) when we realized timing was mismatched for our respective paths.
I miss the guy, but part of growing up is knowing that missing someone doesn't mean you should run back to that person. I am learning the hard lesson: loving myself is more important than running back.
So we'll move on, parallel to each other, and maybe someday those paths will cross again if it's right. Now comes the work of opening myself up to love again, whilst simultaneously closing a chapter with someone. It's a tricky, messy business and I am allowing myself to cry over this person and the hopes of what it could have been. No matter how short the relationship, he left a mark on me. I love that everyone we meet, everyone we let into our lives become a beautiful lesson that strengthens the core of who we are, and brings us back to loving ourselves. I have no anger towards him, and that might be one of the worst kind of break ups--where you think that person is so damn lovely, you simply can't hate them, but you just don't fit together at this point in time, and so you say a tearful goodbye.
My Workout Life: This is something I am about to embark on. I have never invested in workout classes before, but here I go! This is about me taking care of my mid-thirties body, which no longer sheds pounds simply by walking (darn). This is about less Nutella, and more endorphins of the sweaty variety.
My Biggest Obstacle: The biggest hurdle looming over me is my work visa, which is underway right now. In September, I fly back to the States to apply for my visa and make this all official. This is scary for me for multiple reasons. I'm leaving all of this up to fate, and I'm not going to entertain all the possible outcomes in this blog post. I know what's meant to be is meant to be, and that's what I am rolling with.
I added this to the list because I am not going to let uncertainty make me question my worth and my path. There will always be things that make us an anxious mess, but I am learning to trust the process, and to remember how strong and capable I am to make great things happen.
And there you have it. All of these life changes, all of the things mentioned above are helping me truly love myself for the first fucking time in my life. I'm not kidding, man. It was sometime back in October/November I finally realized I didn't like myself much. I was settling for a lesser life. I may have been brave moving from city to city, but I often retreated into my shell because I wasn't believing in my worth. I'd dabble in dating, then decide to abstain for months on end because I feared putting myself out there in a vulnerable way.
Well here I am, life! I am open hearted, and I am sometimes a crying mess from being so open hearted. I am knowing my worth. I am believing in the goodness of life despite shortfalls.
I am living, guys. I'm really doing this thing. And I am so incredibly proud of myself. I'm so, so worth it.