I am learning how to know my damn worth (my greatest lesson)

It's been 3 1/2 months in London already, and holy freakin cow, how does time fly by so quickly?

In the span of 3 1/2 months I moved here, found a place to live, now live with a great flatmate and cute dog, started dating a cute Italian, called it off with Italian last week (mutual and mature break up), and am fully living life as best I can.

London is a different feel from when I last lived here 6 years ago. I was a grad student then. I could have adventurous late nights and my hangovers didn't kill me then. I'm in my mid-thirties now (eek!) and I don't desire super late nights, nor do I desire copious amounts of alcohol. One of my worries about moving back here was that my change in lifestyle might affect my view of the city. Happy to report that while things feel different in London this time, they still feel so, so good. This is a multi-faceted city with no shortage of places to roam and amazing things to do. I'm now fully getting in the swing of things, making this a home again.

Everything I've been going through the last 3 months is about knowing my worth. Maybe that's been the point of my entire life journey and I'm just now awakening to it. Here are the things I've demanded the best from, because I am so DAMN worth it:

My Home Life: I didn't settle for a quick living arrangement out of fear. I waited to find the best fit for me, and have a flatmate on a similar life journey to me (with the cutest dog in the world, who brings waggy tails and happiness to me daily).

My Dating Life: This is the first time in my life I've been so open romantically. I jumped into dating a month into living here, and I met a great guy by leaping into the deep end. I'm so proud of myself for giving my all to the Italian. I'm also so proud of calling it off (last week!) when we realized timing was mismatched for our respective paths.

I miss the guy, but part of growing up is knowing that missing someone doesn't mean you should run back to that person. I am learning the hard lesson: loving myself is more important than running back.

So we'll move on, parallel to each other, and maybe someday those paths will cross again if it's right. Now comes the work of opening myself up to love again, whilst simultaneously closing a chapter with someone. It's a tricky, messy business and I am allowing myself to cry over this person and the hopes of what it could have been. No matter how short the relationship, he left a mark on me. I love that everyone we meet, everyone we let into our lives become a beautiful lesson that strengthens the core of who we are, and brings us back to loving ourselves. I have no anger towards him, and that might be one of the worst kind of break ups--where you think that person is so damn lovely, you simply can't hate them, but you just don't fit together at this point in time, and so you say a tearful goodbye.

My Workout Life: This is something I am about to embark on. I have never invested in workout classes before, but here I go! This is about me taking care of my mid-thirties body, which no longer sheds pounds simply by walking (darn). This is about less Nutella, and more endorphins of the sweaty variety.

My Biggest Obstacle: The biggest hurdle looming over me is my work visa, which is underway right now. In September, I fly back to the States to apply for my visa and make this all official. This is scary for me for multiple reasons. I'm leaving all of this up to fate, and I'm not going to entertain all the possible outcomes in this blog post. I know what's meant to be is meant to be, and that's what I am rolling with.

I added this to the list because I am not going to let uncertainty make me question my worth and my path. There will always be things that make us an anxious mess, but I am learning to trust the process, and to remember how strong and capable I am to make great things happen.


And there you have it. All of these life changes, all of the things mentioned above are helping me truly love myself for the first fucking time in my life. I'm not kidding, man. It was sometime back in October/November I finally realized I didn't like myself much. I was settling for a lesser life. I may have been brave moving from city to city, but I often retreated into my shell because I wasn't believing in my worth. I'd dabble in dating, then decide to abstain for months on end because I feared putting myself out there in a vulnerable way.

Well here I am, life! I am open hearted, and I am sometimes a crying mess from being so open hearted. I am knowing my worth. I am believing in the goodness of life despite shortfalls.

I am living, guys. I'm really doing this thing. And I am so incredibly proud of myself. I'm so, so worth it.

The Shedding of Old Ashleys

I'm in in the process of stripping away all the old Ashleys I no longer want to carry. London has been helping me with this. Maybe only London can help me with this.

By old Ashleys, I mean all the parts of me that no longer serve me. They brought me here, but they bring me no more value. There was deeply depressed and neurotic Ashley in New York City. And restricted and freezing Ashley in Boston. In all cities, there is the Ashley that constantly chases and obsesses over unavailable men. And my whole life, the Ashley that thinks she's perfectly happy being eternally single and independent, but secretly wants some real love in her life. This new Ashley is saying out loud how she wants deeper connection, and to be held, and to be valued.

I am confronting all the old ladies, and letting them know they can pack up their things now. Because here we are, back in the city that started my transformation. And here we are, back to continue that lovely, difficult, amazing transformation process.

It's funny that a place considered so stuffy and repressed is the one place that allows me to be free. I connect with London because I, too, was once stuffy and repressed. (Just to say, London is not that stuffy, it's just an introverted city, which is probably why I love it).

Being an expat pushes me in ways that no other experience is able to. It's pushing me towards the Ashley I want to be. The one who fully and openly acknowledges what she truly wants is deep, vulnerable, reciprocal community. She wants love of all sorts--romantic love, friend love, all love--she wants to be BRIMMING FULL of love.

Through crying, and healing practices, and inner child work, and taking the time everyday to make space for love (most of all, learning to love myself), new Ashley is starting to become a regular around here, and I'm pretty overjoyed about that.

Becoming an Expat, Again (It's not as glamorous as you think)

Cherry blossoms in Kew Gardens. Should I make an obvious metaphor for my life right now? 

I've been back in London for 2 weeks, and there have already been ups and downs. I've been overwhelmed by a range of emotions coming back, and it's the usual cocktail of fear and anxiety: I am reminded that moving continents is never an easy jump, no matter how familiar you are with the place you're moving to.

The last time I moved to London was about 6 years(!) ago. A lot has happened in 6 years! I am back in the city where I feel most alive, most at peace, and most myself. Therefore, in moving back I am confronted with myself in a very harsh and heavy way, including the bad habits I picked up over my lost years. I am now in the thick of my healing process (which began in Boston). I feel naked and alone with my thoughts--the healing is being fast tracked now.

I suppose this post seems a little dark, but that's because the process of bettering yourself involves shedding a lot of facades, lies, heartache, and energy that does not serve you. I'm so proud of myself for doing this work, for moving back, and for acknowledging and admitting that this is hard. I'm rebuilding my life again, and it's going to be a bit clunky at first.

I could slap a filter on this experience and brag about how well I'm doing, how you should be jealous, and oh, look at me! I'm so worldly and amazing! I've got it all together!

Instead, I want you to look at me: a woman who is scared but brave. One who is not certain she is always making the right decisions, but is following her soul's instructions, anyway. One who misses her parents and feels guilt over leaving them in San Diego, but knows this path is true and right.

This is the start of my journey of being an expat, again. I am thrilled and scared. I am so alive. 

Leaving Boston, Choosing Adventure

One thing I pride myself in is I always say yes to the adventure. There's no use sitting in that chair, staying safe and warm under that blanket if you're also bored out of your fucking mind.

Boston was a good city for me to unwind from New York, but also remind me that I need more, I crave more beyond this country and beyond these borders.

Adventures come in all shapes and forms, and are not only restricted to moving cities, but also include:

• learning how to be completely vulnerable with other humans
• unlearning the necessity to be cool, instead realizing that love and kindness are more important than status
• really understanding how to love yourself completely and fully, so that you know your worth and are able to demand respect out of every relationship 
• but also, moving cities when the wind whispers it in your ear

What has been whispered in my ear the past 5 years since the day I left? London. 

Sometimes you just know when a place is right for your soul. That place could be with a person, or a movement, or a spiritual practice. My place is an actual place, and it's been calling to me to come back. 

Well, I'm on my way. It's not all set in stone, but the pieces are coming together so beautifully that I believe it's going to work out. There are visa processes to follow, and crossing fingers, and hoping for everything to be approved. And you know what? I know it's going to work out. 

I choose adventure. I'm coming back to you London. 

London, You've Still Got It

It's no secret on this here blog that I adore London. So I won't bore you with love letters about the city. This trip was not so much about me, but about showing off London to two guys--one who had never been (Christian), and one who had been and didn't care much for the city (David). I was on a mission to show them my London--all the places in LDN that are dear to me, and that I miss the most.

 On the first (stormy) day we went to my favorite pub (The Dove) situated on the river. 

The following the day, the boys were *blessed* with a gorgeous sunny day--ALL DAY.

Christian was particularly fond of the fashion scene in London, and started to call America "so uncivilized." HAHAHA--I'VE SHOWN HIM THE LIGHT!

I made them try Cadbury Fruit and Nut bars (the BEST). And took them by the most grand, amazing sights in London. Big Ben (the Elizabeth Tower) is a sight I never tire of. It's beautiful, and it's a representation of London. It's my tradition to take a picture of Ben every time I'm in London town:

The next day, I showed the guys my old home, Richmond. Laura, my ol' bestie in London, met up (do older readers remember her?) 

 My other good friend, Tim, popped over that night for some pints and laughter.

I can now happily report that Christian is in love with London and David now likes the city he once hated. My work here is complete!

But London, I wasn't ready to leave you yet! Until next time...

Review of Trustedhousesitters.com

Oscar, the Cairn Terrier I watched for three weeks.

Trusted Housesitters is essentially a travel website used between owners of pets and those that have experience watching pets. It's called the "win/win for pet lovers that travel."

Many of you know that I used this site recently for my long stay in London. I got a pet sitting job for 3 weeks! While the homeowners went on vacation, I stayed in their house for free under the condition that I watch their pet, Oscar, to their specifications. This included three walks a day and a special diet for the little pooch.

So what was my real experience with Trustedhousesitters?

I loved it. Looooooooved it. However, I will be completely fair and list the pros and cons of using a site like this (this post is not sponsored, in case you were wondering).

PROS: 

1. Free Accommodation: A FREE place to stay in London. That is pretty much unheard of.

2. Streamlined Website: The site is easy to use and has good tips on getting a pet/housesitting job. The site also has good support if you run into technical issues.

3. A Joining Fee: There is a fee for the site, which I think is necessary. It helps weed out the people that are not serious about this type of thing! I believe the fee is something along the lines of $80/year. Obviously, it's paid for itself by now!

4. The Best Benefits: I got to stay in a nice part of London with an adorable pooch.

5. Gracious Homeowners: The owners gave me tips on their favorite parts of Putney, including restaurants and pubs. They were also generous enough to buy me groceries, despite my pleading with them not to! Generally, the kind of people that are willing to open their home to you are going to be pretty open-minded, gracious, and amazing.

 A look into the neighborhood I was staying in! Putney is in zone 2 in London, which is extremely central and well connected to everything!

CONS: 

1. Animals are Time-Consuming: I've obviously been to London before, so walking the dog three times a day wasn't a huge deal to me. HOWEVER, if this were someone's first trip to London, scheduling three-a-day walks around sightseeing could get a little hectic. Trustedhousesitters, thus, would work better for second visits of cities. If you do use trustedhousesitters for a first time visit, I recommend a long stay (over a week). That way you can conquer the city/town little by little everyday, while still having energy and time for the dog.

2. You are on Vacation, But the Animal is Not: Obviously you already know this going into a petsitting job. But when it's 7am and the dog is jumping on your tired, lifeless body for his HOUR morning walk, and it's 30 degrees fahrenheit (0 degrees celsius) outside, and you had a couple drinks last night and can't be bothered to get out of bed--this is when you really remember that ANIMALS ARE FREAKIN' NEEDY. You must drag yourself out in the freezing cold and walk the damn dog, because this is what you signed up for! The compromise to this is of course opting for a cat sitting job, which would be a great deal easier.

3. It's Tough to Find Your First Job: You gotta do everything you can to get that first housesit. Background check, solid references, great profile complete with pictures of you holding a furry creature, a video--the whole nine yards. Even with all that, it's going to take a lot of energy and time scoring your first job, as well as a lot of let-downs. There were at least 2 or 3 people that told me they wanted to use me for the housesit, then changed their mind 3 days later. Frustrating! Let's also bring up that being a female has got to make it a lot easier to get a job than being male (the reality!)

4. You Must Be Comfortable with Buying Your Plane Ticket Last Minute: I bought my plane ticket a week before my departure. Even being the jetsetter I am, that was a little close for comfort! Of course, plenty of homeowners plan way ahead of time; however, I noticed a ton of jobs would pop up last minute, making your chances better of getting a job closer to the date they are needing you.

5. You Must Plan Your Trip Around Theirs: Forget whatever dates you had in mind, you must cater to the homeowner, period. For a site like this, flexibility is key.


So there you have it...a THOROUGH review of Trustedhousesitters.com. Even with all the cons I listed, I still enthusiastically recommend this site for both homeowners and sitters. And with a dog like Oscar by my side, it was all worth it.

Central London Snapshots

I'm a majorly prideful Ex-London Expat. Which basically means that it's super hard for me to bring out my camera in Central London and look like a tourist. How about you learn some humility, Ashley?? Yes, I just talked to myself in the third person. That's neither here nor there.

The good news is that I did humble myself enough for one crazy half-rainy, half-sunny day on my last week in London Town. I'm glad I did, because now I have some pretty pics of my fave sites. Enjoy the beauty of one of the most beautiful cities--that's a lot of beauty going on!

Travel tip: People always spend tons of money on overpriced double decker site-seeing buses. If you feel like you'd like to skip the sometimes annoying tour guide, just hop on any usual London bus which will cost you less than 2 pounds. All the buses you see in this photo (the 9, 3, 13) are just a few  of the MANY that drive through Central London. Otherwise, I think Westminster Station is one of the best to get off of to start your walk by Parliament.

Travel Fact: Big Ben is actually the name of just the bell (and people sometimes tell me it's the name of the clock as well). This tower is actually named Elizabeth Tower. Of course, I often just call it Ben because I'm lazy.

 Not many cities offer better views than my dear London. 

And so the sun has set on my London posts (until I go again, that is). London and I will always have our special relationship. But for now, I'm content will all the opportunities before me Stateside. It's been awhile since I've said such a thing! (Gasp!)

(Finally a Proper Post on) Portobello Market in Notting Hill

One of my favorite (er, favourite) markets in London is the famed Portobello Market which has grown in size exponentially over the years. It's got all the good stuff of most markets, but has a particular focus on antiques as its specialty. Of course, one of the best things about this market is that it's in the ever-charming Notting Hill, still one of my very favorite parts of London.

I think it's good that I got to photograph this market on a typical London day, overcast weather and all, because that's the true experience! I find that movies are always finding the sunny days in London to film...I like to show a place for exactly what it is. The truth is that London hardly gets sun! 

Of course, the market has every gadget and gizmo you could think of. Oh, and food. 

 I bought one of the African necklaces below. I love supporting those who make handmade jewelery! 

After you are done with your shopping (and eating) a stroll through Notting Hill itself is an absolute must! This is one of the most colourful neighborhoods in London--an excellent contrast to the ever-present gloomy skies. Although I will say, if you catch NH on a sunny day, it's even more spectacular!

Maybe one day I will own that purple house?? Well, I can keep on dreaming...

If you visit London, this should definitely be on your 'must-see' list. Every time I am in LDN, it's on mine!  

My London Mosaic

So much running around, so many iPhone photos, and words seem arbitrary! So the mosaic above shows you most of what I've been doing, which is EVERYTHING. And lots of river walks. Yes. 

Favorite Thing Thursday

Lately, these have been a few of my favorite things...

1. Being in the U.K. for an Extended Period

I love extended trips. When I was younger, my family and I would always go to Turkey for 6 weeks at a time and I truly think it's the best way to travel. It gives me the chance to really soak in the every day life of a country, and even gives me a chance to miss California a little. For an extreme wanderluster as myself, this is crucial!

2. Sunbathing with Oscar

3. Fresh Basil

4. STICKY TOFFEE PUDDING!

I've put this in all caps because I LOVE sticky toffee pudding. Pretty sure I'm going to gain a few pounds eating copious amounts of this, but I just don't care! Thank you Waitrose, I love you too.

***

What are some of your favorite things of the week? 

Around London Town: Meeting Bloggers and Hanging with Oscar

Woo hoo! I can restart my "Around London Town" series while I am here.

I've already been in London for 12 days and I've done SO MUCH. I don't think I've taken as many pictures as I should have, but I do have a few to share with you. The guy you see above is my new love, Oscar. We've moved into together rather quickly. I cook for him all the time. It's a good match.

We take long walks in the morning AND at night! Our favorite spot is walking along the river...

I like looking at the wild daffodils, Oscar likes peeing on them. Ha.

While not hanging with Oscar, I've been catching up with friends, old and new! One such new friend is a blogger. Miranda was an absolute pleasure to meet: intelligent, kind, and funny! Thanks for coming out, Miranda, and picking quite possibly the cutest cafe in Barnes.

 We went to the cafe attached to Olympic Cinemas. I HIGHLY recommend it!

For a lightish lunch, the onion and goat cheese tart is divine! 

I'll most likely do a few more of these posts while I'm here, so watch out for more London goodness!