I'm in in the process of stripping away all the old Ashleys I no longer want to carry. London has been helping me with this. Maybe only London can help me with this.
By old Ashleys, I mean all the parts of me that no longer serve me. They brought me here, but they bring me no more value. There was deeply depressed and neurotic Ashley in New York City. And restricted and freezing Ashley in Boston. In all cities, there is the Ashley that constantly chases and obsesses over unavailable men. And my whole life, the Ashley that thinks she's perfectly happy being eternally single and independent, but secretly wants some real love in her life. This new Ashley is saying out loud how she wants deeper connection, and to be held, and to be valued.
I am confronting all the old ladies, and letting them know they can pack up their things now. Because here we are, back in the city that started my transformation. And here we are, back to continue that lovely, difficult, amazing transformation process.
It's funny that a place considered so stuffy and repressed is the one place that allows me to be free. I connect with London because I, too, was once stuffy and repressed. (Just to say, London is not that stuffy, it's just an introverted city, which is probably why I love it).
Being an expat pushes me in ways that no other experience is able to. It's pushing me towards the Ashley I want to be. The one who fully and openly acknowledges what she truly wants is deep, vulnerable, reciprocal community. She wants love of all sorts--romantic love, friend love, all love--she wants to be BRIMMING FULL of love.
Through crying, and healing practices, and inner child work, and taking the time everyday to make space for love (most of all, learning to love myself), new Ashley is starting to become a regular around here, and I'm pretty overjoyed about that.
No comments:
Post a Comment