I am learning how to know my damn worth (my greatest lesson)

It's been 3 1/2 months in London already, and holy freakin cow, how does time fly by so quickly?

In the span of 3 1/2 months I moved here, found a place to live, now live with a great flatmate and cute dog, started dating a cute Italian, called it off with Italian last week (mutual and mature break up), and am fully living life as best I can.

London is a different feel from when I last lived here 6 years ago. I was a grad student then. I could have adventurous late nights and my hangovers didn't kill me then. I'm in my mid-thirties now (eek!) and I don't desire super late nights, nor do I desire copious amounts of alcohol. One of my worries about moving back here was that my change in lifestyle might affect my view of the city. Happy to report that while things feel different in London this time, they still feel so, so good. This is a multi-faceted city with no shortage of places to roam and amazing things to do. I'm now fully getting in the swing of things, making this a home again.

Everything I've been going through the last 3 months is about knowing my worth. Maybe that's been the point of my entire life journey and I'm just now awakening to it. Here are the things I've demanded the best from, because I am so DAMN worth it:

My Home Life: I didn't settle for a quick living arrangement out of fear. I waited to find the best fit for me, and have a flatmate on a similar life journey to me (with the cutest dog in the world, who brings waggy tails and happiness to me daily).

My Dating Life: This is the first time in my life I've been so open romantically. I jumped into dating a month into living here, and I met a great guy by leaping into the deep end. I'm so proud of myself for giving my all to the Italian. I'm also so proud of calling it off (last week!) when we realized timing was mismatched for our respective paths.

I miss the guy, but part of growing up is knowing that missing someone doesn't mean you should run back to that person. I am learning the hard lesson: loving myself is more important than running back.

So we'll move on, parallel to each other, and maybe someday those paths will cross again if it's right. Now comes the work of opening myself up to love again, whilst simultaneously closing a chapter with someone. It's a tricky, messy business and I am allowing myself to cry over this person and the hopes of what it could have been. No matter how short the relationship, he left a mark on me. I love that everyone we meet, everyone we let into our lives become a beautiful lesson that strengthens the core of who we are, and brings us back to loving ourselves. I have no anger towards him, and that might be one of the worst kind of break ups--where you think that person is so damn lovely, you simply can't hate them, but you just don't fit together at this point in time, and so you say a tearful goodbye.

My Workout Life: This is something I am about to embark on. I have never invested in workout classes before, but here I go! This is about me taking care of my mid-thirties body, which no longer sheds pounds simply by walking (darn). This is about less Nutella, and more endorphins of the sweaty variety.

My Biggest Obstacle: The biggest hurdle looming over me is my work visa, which is underway right now. In September, I fly back to the States to apply for my visa and make this all official. This is scary for me for multiple reasons. I'm leaving all of this up to fate, and I'm not going to entertain all the possible outcomes in this blog post. I know what's meant to be is meant to be, and that's what I am rolling with.

I added this to the list because I am not going to let uncertainty make me question my worth and my path. There will always be things that make us an anxious mess, but I am learning to trust the process, and to remember how strong and capable I am to make great things happen.


And there you have it. All of these life changes, all of the things mentioned above are helping me truly love myself for the first fucking time in my life. I'm not kidding, man. It was sometime back in October/November I finally realized I didn't like myself much. I was settling for a lesser life. I may have been brave moving from city to city, but I often retreated into my shell because I wasn't believing in my worth. I'd dabble in dating, then decide to abstain for months on end because I feared putting myself out there in a vulnerable way.

Well here I am, life! I am open hearted, and I am sometimes a crying mess from being so open hearted. I am knowing my worth. I am believing in the goodness of life despite shortfalls.

I am living, guys. I'm really doing this thing. And I am so incredibly proud of myself. I'm so, so worth it.

Calm in California

I feel like my post title is reminiscent of "Sleepless in Seattle." ha.

Calm in California is pretty accurate, though. I've been feeling pretty good being in good ol' San Diego. If ever you want to go somewhere to unwind, drink a little beer, and move at the pace of a snail, Southern California is definitely the spot. The place that made me feel trapped about 2 years ago is now feeling pretty damn good with my bum ankle.

I've also taken the time to let my body rest. I've seen friends here and there, but I've stayed in more nights than going out. And "going out" has really just been lounging in a jacuzzi or watching a movie with my pals. I've cut down on the alcohol, and taken time to gaze at the sky and breathe my worries away.

I guess the point I'm getting at here is I wasn't taking care of myself in New York. I was becoming frazzled, drinking too much, and generally not being my happy self. I have a bit of time left in New York until my lease ends, but I'll be going back with a different mindset than when I left it. There are also a few factors that were bringing me down back in the city, but having time away from those factors sure brings clarity.

I know NYC is not the place for me (deep down in my soul, I've known this for awhile); however, I think I can enjoy the rest of my time there. And if it's still causing me too much stress, I'll find the escape hatch.

For now, I'll be in San Diego another 25 days or so--long enough to properly hit the reset button. 

My Hurt Ankle is a Reminder to be Mindful

I'm sitting here this morning with my ankle wrapped in a soft cast (I missed the last stair and landed hard on my ankle), and my eye swollen from a bug bite. Also, things have been kind of shitty in New York of late, and I'm sort of like, "What else you got for me, universe?!"

It's easy to focus on the bad things, amirite? And then focusing on all the bad just sort of snowballs into feeling perpetually bad. Humans hate being uncomfortable, and man, am I uncomfortable right now.

The inconvenience of not being able to walk is just a reminder that I've been spreading myself too thin. I tripped down the last stair because in a stressful moment I was rushing and wasn't mindful of the fact that:

1. I should take my time. Why was I in a hurry?

2. I've been living in a tornado in my head, stressing myself out and barely taking any time for relaxation and meditation.

I've been going so hard and feeling so exhausted, I've barely given myself any rest. Well, I'm being forced to rest now.

With that, I'm taking a looooooong break in San Diego starting next week. How lucky am I that I can have a month-and-a-half stay wherever I want because I work remotely?

I'm gonna go rest SO HARD I hope to get bored (I haven't been bored in awhile). I'm going to make time to write, listen, and read. I'm going to return back to a place of mindfulness.

Ommmmmmmmmm (added for effect).

It's Time to Make Time

You may have noticed I haven't been around much.

That's all because I'm moving house, my personal life feels in disarray, and I have lots of worries about Turkey (I'll blog about this later). All of this has been STRESSING ME OUT LIKE NO OTHER. Of course, it's silly of me not to blog during this time, because writing out my obsessive thoughts most definitely de-stresses me. So, how frustrating that I've hardly had any time to do the one thing that can actually help!

The truth is, I need to make the time. Allowing surmounting thoughts to take over my mind, without utilizing my my best tool for unloading them is just plain stupid, for lack of a better word.

I mustn't forget my writer's soul. I mustn't forget to use my best weapon, the pen. 

So let me write out some calming things to help my over-analytical, CRAZY brain calm down (maybe they can help you too if you're feeling the same).

1. I am loved. I must stop taking things personally and let jealousy and frustration go. Since I am super stressed at this time, my relationships are suffering a tad, but they will be okay. It's fine that I'm not an easy breezy girl at the moment. There's always so much pressure to be the "fun girl." Well you know what? I'm the STRESSED GIRL right now, and it's fine. No one is going to leave me because of it.

2. Everything is working out fine. I might think I know what is going to happen in the future (which always seems to have some disastrous, fiery end), but I don't know. I'm not a fortune teller. I must let go of my need to control situations, and just let them be. Things have worked out fine thus far; and actually, they are working out better than fine, so why do I default to the negative when thinking about the future?

3. I am strong. But seriously, I am one STRONG bad ass lady who takes care of her friends, gets her work done (well), and looks pretty cute while doing it. I need to start taking care of myself, though, because that has been slipping by the wayside.

Okay...and BREAAAAATHE. It's time to make time for me, because this little life is more than just *a little* valuable.

Question to you: What have you been doing to de-stress? Have you been taking the proper time for yourself? Has anxiety been taking over your life of late? 

My New Morning Routine

I mentioned this challenge last week. I already knew the challenge would jump start a practice of thinking positively first thing in the morning, a practice I intend to keep. Here are the positive things I did everyday instead of looking at social media (and seeing that half the country is rioting right about now):

Monday: I did a special morning yoga routine. Only yoga would put me in a better mood on a Monday morning. And if all else fails, a special Monday Morning Mixtape may do the trick:

Tuesday: It was speech watchin' time! This speech reminded me that intrinsic purpose is the most important motivator for humankind.

Wednesday: Have you heard about the Five Tibetan Rites? Who knows if there is truth to all the benefits listed to these rites; however, I'm digging doing these in the morning. In fact, they may have been the best start to my morning all week, probably because they are simple and fast (I'm more likely to do them).

Thursday: I particularly loved this TED talk that explored the struggle between controlling life and letting go of control.

Friday: Read a little of the book, Happier, pictured above. Happier is not my favorite "self-help" book, but it's got some decent insights and is an easy read first thing in the morning.

Saturday: I actually got my ass out of bed and went for a 30 minute walk!! It must be a Christmas miracle!

Sunday: I watched Gilmore Girls. Does that count? It makes me pretty happy, so it counts for me!



***

As suspected, thinking/seeing/doing something positive first thing in the morning had a great effect--the biggest one being discipline, which would spill over into the rest of the day: I started cleaning more, flossing more, and stressing less. I'll continue abstaining from social media first thing in the morning and instead focus on working my mind like a muscle. That muscle is on its way to getting pretty buff.

Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving, all!

The Destroying Negative Thoughts Challenge

"...the destroyer of inner peace is not some external foe, but is within us. Therefore, the solution is within us too." --Dalai Lama 

When you wake up in the morning, what is the first thing you do? 

Me? I'm guilty of checking Facebook, the news, Instagram, and other media outlets. At times, this can be inspiring; other times, this can set a negative precedent for the rest of the day. And yet, I'll religiously do this the next day despite knowing that comparison or sad news can put me in a very, very dark mood. I then start to believe that the world is dark. And before the day even begins there is a burden. The curse of being such intelligent beings is that we are able to create very sad worlds with our own thoughts, even if that creation does not match reality. 

I'm deciding to break the cycle. I want the first thing I listen to or read in the morning to be a proper day starter: something that gets me excited for my life and what it has to offer. I've taken to doing a few things that are good day starters: 

1. Listening to a TED talk. This. This has gotta be the number 1 thing that helps me face the day with confidence and an ability to think outside my circumstances. I love speeches because they get me especially fired up. 

2. Yoga routines. This is a typical answer, I know--but it's one that works. It's hard to think about anything other than the move I'm trying to master. "Don't mind me while I try to hold this bendy octopus/pretzel position!" 

3. Writing cards for my friends. What better way to vanquish negative thoughts than by doing something positive for someone else? Writing kind words to a friend puts a smile on my face instantly. And I feel less selfish! 

4. Taking a Walk. You mean to tell me humans are made for exercise? Gee whiz!  

5. Giving somebody a hug. Do I need to even explain this one? 

Do I always do these things? Heck no. I'm one lazy S.O.B. Staying in bed is seductive; being productive feels so laaaaaame--until I actually start doing something. Then I think to myself, man! I love getting moving, I love walking, I love Yoga...I love life! Because I act like a toddler at times, I have to give myself a challenge: 

For a week straight, I vow not to check my phone first thing in the morning. I will not look at e-mails. I will not scan Facebook. I will instead do something positive (like those items listed above) FIRST thing in the morning. I'll blog about how I feel after a week, and hopefully...I can make this a continued practice! 

...well, all after coffee, of course. I am human! 

***
What do you like to do in the morning to put a positive spin on your day? Do you want to join my challenge? 

That Girl is on Fire (A Post on Changes)

There have been a lot of changes in my world of late. Life has become abundant with possibilities, which has both an intimidating and freeing effect. Mostly, I'm excited with what's to come--I feel like I'm on fire! 

I recently quit my job as a copywriter (I worked that for about 9 months) in pursuit of a study abroad advisor career once again. On Friday, I begin working part time with an esteemed study abroad program (the very one I went through to get to London!). This has the possibility to turn into something full time, but that's not guaranteed. Thus, I am also applying to jobs around the country! I even applied to one in London today. I'm not really ruling any city out (including San Diego), as my main concern is going after a career I can really get behind.

I just wanted to share this news with you all because it's scary every time I even think of venturing out of my comfort zone. Every time, it frightens me. But it also feels like my molecules are standing upright (is that even scientific?). Basically it feels a lot like living--a bit scary, but always worth it.

Rejuvenation After a Tough Week

Last week was tense and unkind. I wanted to go into the new week with a renewed energy, so I took a Saturday to unwind, focus on me, and indulge in girly stuff. It was a day where I didn't necessarily want to talk to a bunch of people, or go a ton of places; rather, I was looking for an at-home spa experience.

Sir William Bedfellow and me takin' it easy. 

Ashley's Steps to Rejuvenation on a Saturday:

1. Start the day with a meal that makes you happy. For me, that was waffles and french pressed coffee! 

2. Watch all the bad TV and movies. I'm talking about the trashy reality shows and over-the-top chick flicks. I chose Ladies of London, Endless Love, and Magic Mike. This will take your mind off problems, at least for a bit (yes, I believe a little distraction is necessary). 

3. Relax. Practice a yoga routine. I picked a cheeky Austin yogi to run me through some anxiety releasing moves. 

4. Pamper. My hair has been dry, so I scoured the interwebs for an easy at-home deep conditioning treatment for hair. I like this coconut oil one. Also, because my sleep has been erratic, the dark circles I've been sporting are not so pretty. INTERNET TO THE RESCUE AGAIN! I made a simple turmeric mask for under eye dark circles: mix honey and yogurt in a bowl and add a couple tablespoons of turmeric. The amount of honey and yogurt is up to you! Smear under the eyes and leave on for 20 minutes. Rinse with warm water. 

5. Give yourself a break from bad thoughts. Just push the negative out of your mind. Focus on letting yourself relax. When the negative thoughts resurface, just say, "Shut yo mouth!"

6. Only do this for a day. I wanted to be alone on Saturday, but Sunday I was right back out there, socializing and watching the US soccer game (UGGGHHH, boys...a tie?!?).

Having a day of rejuvenation gets you refreshed and back into the game. Now only if our USA team would get back into the game! ARGH!

Here's to a better week!

Crossing Over

I debated about whether I should post about this and ultimately decided that I wanted to share it with all of you. Maybe it can help someone. More likely, it's good for me to write it out.

I had a panic attack on Thursday. At work.

I've never gone through such a thing before, so when it was happening I didn't know what exactly was happening, other than I couldn't breathe, which made me feel even more frantic. Basically, my body was having a reaction to stress.

What caused the stress? Very simply: my own mind. When I don't have an immediate solution to something, I dwell on the problem. Then dwelling turns to catastrophizing.

The Real Issue

Independence has always been a big theme for me. I've been classified as the "strong" one many times in my life. I've taken pride in that. However, labels can cause more damage than good. While I was busy being the strong one, I was cheating myself out of the very necessary practice of being vulnerable.  Or rather, I failed to see that vulnerability = strength.

I haven't voiced enough--on here or in real life--how much I miss London, how I think about it everyday, and how I unhealthily compare it to San Diego. Every. Day. I've been needing to voice it, but I haven't. For fear of sounding like a broken record, or for fear of seeming too weak, I suppose. I wanted to move on to getting happier and feeling better, but failed to voice how I was really feeling.

So let me write this out once. How I really feel:

I am a woman who absolutely loved living abroad and is completely unsure if I made the right decision in coming home. I feel pressures from family to stay in my hometown. I also know I haven't given my hometown a proper chance since being back and am unsure how to do so. I want to learn how to appreciate life no matter where I am, but I can't shake the feeling that I was made to live in other places. I am stubborn and want to be perceived as having strength; while sometimes I am strong, I also have moments of incredible weakness. I am human. I don't like to admit that. I've been feeling sad, edging on depression for the last few months. I've been feeling stuck and suffocated. This all finally caught up with me, and so my body reacted to all the turmoil!

Whew!

The Real Solution

The good thing about panic attacks (there's a good thing?) is that it forces you to talk. I don't have a choice to hide my thoughts any longer. So I'm talking. And even looking into seeing a therapist if that will help me sort through my layers UPON layers of thoughts. I'm saying a prayer to the higher power.

I'll end on a high note: the other day, my friend pointed out that I always show him pictures of bridges, and that I "must really love them." You know what? I do. I love the idea of crossing over bodies of water (or anything with a death drop) and making it to the other side. Total faith must be put in the bridge--and the process of crossing the bridge--to get to the safe haven. No matter the dangers that are threatened (earthquakes, strong winds, typhoons), I will choose to cross anyway. I'm crossing now, knowing I have to put the legwork in being more open and more vulnerable. I choose to not let anxiety control my thoughts; I'm crossing over instead.

Funny enough, these pictures were taken the very day I had the panic attack (I had it earlier in the day). Funny how bad days always have the opportunity to turn around into something beautiful.

How do you deal with anxiety? Your tips and tricks would actually be very appreciated!

The Age of Worry

Beau the dog, who's soooo not worried. 

The title of this post is a reference to a John Mayer song, and it's so fitting.

I've definitely been dealing with anxiety lately. I'm already a neurotic person, so adding the last few months of uncertainty in the mix hasn't been helping.

I saw on a talk show that doing things that take us outside of our comfort zone actually helps with anxiety, even though that seems counterproductive. It's true though. Going to England made me the least anxious I had been in a long time, because I knew I couldn't control everything. I need to be reminded that this mindset can be achieved in my home town as well. Linda is great proof of this, with her fear factor December series (you go girl!). I think Linda is inspiring me to get back out there...

Out there, meaning, the place where you stare anxiety in the face and realize that it's all make-believe anyway. How do you get to that place? Small (or sometimes medium-sized) steps in the right direction. For me that means making monthly bucket lists and grading myself each month on what I've completed (but also being ok with a failing grade, because the whole point is to try!).

Some things on my list?

1. Go for a hike.
2. Make a ridiculous card for a friend for no reason but to make them laugh.
3. Plan a random trip to Vegas.
4. Apply to jobs in San Diego and different cities (possibly even internationally).
5. Let myself be ok with where I am (working as a temp, in a transitional phase).

Not sure how to go about achieving number 5, especially because I'm realizing how much of a perfectionist I actually am. But maybe other small steps will help with the overall big step. The point is to keep taking steps in order to have the nonchalance of Beau the dog. 

Thoughts.

I haven't been feeling super bloggy this month. Maybe it's because my mind is filled with lots of existential questions...

But for now, here is a video that I'm really digging. Reminds me of when I traveled around a few cities alone in Europe. I would be sitting on the train or next to a famous fountain, allowing myself to really take it all in and just be present with the moment, no one to distract me from reality. It was in those moments that I always asked myself the hard questions. I think I've been avoiding the hard questions lately.

Maybe I should take up a blogging challenge like Linda where I try to blog everyday for a month! whew! But what a great way to get those thoughts out...

In My Figuring Out Stage

I'm not sure how to put it, other than, I'm going through it. 'It' has yet to really be defined, but let's call it my Figuring Out stage.

Here's what I know about me: I dwell and overanalyze on a topic until it can't be thought about anymore. It is my strongest and weakest attribute. It makes me a master planner and a strong critical thinker. The downside is it sends me into a tailspin when I'm in transitional phases. I hate being unsure about my next step. But life is a series of unsure moments, so I need to stop getting in a hissy fit about them.

Yes I miss London, yes I'm confused over whether San Diego is still my home and yes (!) I don't have a plan right now. These are all terrifying truths for me to face.

I don't want you to pity me or offer ideas for happiness in the comment section. Honestly, we can't always be happy. This stage and this time are not for me to be overjoyed, but to be figuring out where I want to be. It is a time for busy work, reality and laying a foundation.

I'd like to think in a year I will reread this post and smile at my little freakout of the unknown. I hope by then I get better at embracing what I can't control. 

As A Reminder

I met my father at the hospital this weekend, for which he had to take an ambulance to because of extreme shortness of breath and a clammy feeling to his skin. Not a fun experience. He has some health problems that are related to some later-life weight gain, as all Americans seem to. He also has some genetic conditions that don't help, such as his micro-valve leak in his heart.

He's doing fine now. Mostly this scare is a reminder of a few things:

1. As much as I hate hospitals and doctor appointments, sometimes you just gotta go. Pay attention to your body and don't "wait it out."

2. Continue or start a healthy lifestyle. Consider a smoothie in place of that 5th cookie. Try to walk at least 30 minutes a few times a week. I was forced to walk around in London to get around; American life is so sedentary and I HATE it!

3. Call your parent today and tell them you love them.

I hate that I'm at that age where I have to think about these things. But this weekend is a reminder that there's not much of a choice anymore. 

A Little Bit of Music Therapy

I went to a music jam session this morning with two girls that have studied music therapy. One girl on the piano, one girl on the guitar and me singing along, shyly at first...then feeling quite free after the first song.

It was about repeating certain empowering lyrics and feeling it in your bones, of you believe that hippie talk.

But it turns out that I do sort of believe it. There is something quite special about live music, no? I honestly think it has to do with the vibrations actually shaking your organs up and loosening up the body. And however it works, anxiety definitely slips away. I feel good! I think this can be a daily practice for me--singing and dancing (and maybe even chanting a bit?).

Basically, I am starting to embrace the notion of looking like a crazy person. And being totally fine with that.

The Progression of Anxiousness Into Epiphany

I've been going through some growing pains the last few months. While it's easy to succumb to negativity during such a time, I must look at it more objectively, as a season I'm going through.

I've posted this quote at least once before, but it's one that I always come back to, so here it is again: "To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring."

We cannot always live in spring. One, this would make life boring. Two, what would we ever learn about ourselves? Going through uncomfortable/sad/anxious times is not desirable, but it always elicits self-evalutation. And for this, I always want these "seasons" to be a part of life. It's through self-evalutation that I always get my best epiphanies!

When we go through rough patches, I think we focus way too much on ourselves. Why is this happening to me? Why do I deserve this? The past few months, I've been thinking about what will make me happy a little too much. Me me me...blah blah blah. No wonder I've been bored, anxious, upset and a little down.

When you think about yourself, and only yourself, what a horrible existence that is!

I realized, it's been months since I've volunteered. I started to pray less, to almost not at all. My life started to revolve too much around Ashley, and no one else. My excuse was that I had too much going on and too much to think about: new job, moving, bills, tickets...the madness of it all! Now, I'm not perfecto. I do have a lot going on and I have been ultra busy, but I know better. And I know myself pretty well. I'm at my happiest when I'm helping others, in some way, some how...

So recently, I've been filling my mind with thoughts of other people, and it's been so refreshing to let my mind breathe in that way!

I realize that it's impossible to be completely selfless, but this is an epiphany, remember? So let me revel in my utopian ways!

At the end of the day, this is about finding solutions to make my life more peaceful and balanced. So I guess, making it not about me is still all about me. Ha. What a paradox. Still, why not help others in the process?

I think you know what I'm getting at. So forgive this poorly edited post. Sometimes, one just has to write it out...

What's Eating Ashley J

Alright. I have a confession to make. It's not something I'm proud of; however, I think it's healing to talk about it on this here blog.

I have been suffering with anxiety nearly the whole month of June. I've lost too much weight (7 pounds...eek!), I haven't been eating well, sleeping well or sometimes breathing well.

I'm not positive where it has stemmed from, other than the tremendous amount of changes I have gone through in the last 3 months:

• Geared up (and freaked out a little) to live abroad in March.
• Flew to Turkey beginning of March.
• Stayed there for about a month, only to find my timing was off, and I had to fly back.
• Got a new job, learned an overwhelming amount of info at my new job and started the job feeling a little in over my head.
• Now, I feel better about the job itself, but I'm trudging through a weird schedule that has been inconsistent and tiring (probably what is messing up my sleeping cycle).
• Also now, getting ready for a move to a new apartment.

There are a few more factors, of course, but overall these are the big ones. Mix in Ashley's infamous over thinking, and you've got a recipe for anxiety.

Monday was the first day I really realized anxiety was affecting me. But let me clarify, I've not been a twitching mess everyday. I have of course been laughing and smiling and dancing through the last month. However, overall there has been a buildup of anxiousness.

So yesterday, instead of my initial plan to stay inside and pack for my move, I decided to get the hell out of the confines of the indoors, and let my mind breathe a little.

I drove, drove, drove until I couldn't anymore. I visited friends in coffee shops. I went to the beach and took a dive into the sand (which was the perfect degree of soothing warmness). I laid there for over an hour, and got sand ALL OVER THE PLACE, which I found amusing and uncomfortable at the same time (ha).

I didn't think of work and responsibilites. I didn't think about anything other than myself, the earth and God.

While I was cruising, I stuck my hand out the window for good measure. I sang at the very top of my lungs to all my favorite songs..."Twist and Shout!"

I took my first real deep breath in a couple weeks, and I ate a huge meal, which I haven't done in awhile.

I let myself be me.

I'm writing this down because, surely, I'm not the only one to ever experience anxiety in their lives. The hard thing about anxiety is, you know how ridiculous it is when it's happening to you, but it's awfully hard to control. I suppose the first step is recognition, and something along the lines of breathing exercises and/or meditation and prayer. And lastly, focusing on gratitude. On how lucky I am, how great all my opportunities are and how I'm not perfect.

If you have any suggestions for me, feel free to share, as I have come to love this blog community and all the feedback you have given over the years. I'm sure I have posted on anxiety before, but it's been the worst this past month.

Lastly, I don't mind sharing my imperfections. Who has this thing called life figured out anyway? I'm thinking we can make it a collaborative effort.

Pushing Myself

The last few days in Turkey have been pretty great. I've been with my family, I've been fed great Turkish food and I've been walking around the great and mysterious Istanbul.

Lurking underneath that happiness, however, is a great fear. Today I get on a plane for Izmir, a city where none of my family lives.

I realized that this is my first "trip" in where I am completely by my lonesome. To further this realization, this is no trip at all. There is no return date, no comfort zone, no promise of ever really finding a home. All of my insecurities and fears are popping up in this situation. It's no wonder, I have never been pushed this far out of my little comforted life before. This is the biggest challenge I have EVER faced. My body is almost aching by being challenged this much.

In the next few days I will start the process of meeting new people, interviews and getting acquainted with a foreign city.

I'm scared, but I know this is good for me. I know I need to do this. I just want to get past the hard part.

Soon

I leave in 2 days. Oh. my. Gosh.

"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." --Psalm 139: 7-10

Anticipation!

There are times, in when thinking about my big move, that I hit moments of sheer excitement followed by moments of sheer panic.

I feel as though I am a little bipolar.

In other (saner) news, my "Oven GF" bloggy friend from London is visiting tomorrow! I am ecstatic!! Jackie, welcome to SD...you're gonna love it!!

How to Not Push the Panic Button

I've come to realize that the confines of my mind are dangerous. My brain has, and always will be, my biggest nemesis.

I'm feeling overwhelmed with this whole idea of Turkey looming overhead. There is about a month left until I depart for the most spontaneous, huge, life-changing thing I have ever done and I feel like I can't wrap my head around it, as if my brain is spinning from thought OVERLOAD.

I need to calm the f*ck down!

Before I go on, I want to acknowledge that, yes, I'm acting like a spoiled brat/coward. There are plenty of people who yearn to leave the country and experience the world, but don't have the means to do it. I do not live in a war-torn area, I do not have to deal with being demeaned by dictators (Egypt), I'm healthy and I've had a good life thus far. I'm a pretty lucky girl. There is no real reason for me to complain.

But the frustration that I feel has been causing me some tension headaches the past few days, so I feel like I need to vent...BIG TIME.

I've come to realize that I am my own worst enemy. My over-complicated mind has plagued me, especially when it comes to dating, moving, or anything considered scary or life-changing. I am the opposite of a free spirit. I am a creature of comfort zone.

What's funny is, I've been sick of the same thing. There's a reason I long to live in a foreign place. I desire change so very badly, while at the same time being terribly afraid of it.

It makes no sense! I'm making no sense!

I am an obvious victim of anxiety. I once called myself a positive thinker...that is, until it comes to something big and important. It's then that I think the absolute worst.

So you know what helps? Reading positive words like this that set my mind and heart straight. Some excerpts:

"Why Worry? These two words, considered sincerely, can radically reconfigure the landscape of your mind. Worry rarely leads to positive action; it's just painful, useless fear about hypothetical events, which scuttles happiness rather than ensuring it. Some psychologists say that by focusing on gratitude, we can shut down the part of the brain that worries. It actually works!"

"How can I keep myself absolutely safe? Ask this question just to remind yourself of the answer: You can't. Life is inherently uncertain. The way to cope with that reality is not to control and avoid your way into a rigid little demi-life, but to develop courage. Doing what you long to do, despite fear, will accomplish this."

And so I also want to ask you, dear readers, any advice you can give me on this matter. Especially because many of you have gone through a huge international move. Did you feel stressed at all before you left? How did you deal with such stress? Any EXTRA advice you can give me will only help! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!