In My Feelings

I’m going through a rather intense transformation right now. It’s that kind of transformation where you pull all your insides out and search for the cancerous bits to cut away. I don’t remember the last time I’ve examined myself this closely, this ruthlessly. 

There's been many tears in the last month and they've been all good tears. I realize I'm putting the work in towards bettering myself, and that's a real painful process. Our society offers so many ways to numb ourselves, it's unreal. We, in turn, become unreal: some sort of doped up, Netflix addicted, feeling-avoidant cyborg who pretends to have it all together but is really falling apart inside. Good thing they have a pill for everything, right? 

When going through pain I've been learning (finally) to not avoid it, but to really feel it. Let it burn with the fire of 1,000 suns until it's shooting out of your fingertips. Let anxiety and sadness take their hold on you because, goddammit, you're human and this is what's it all about! Instead of ordering myself to (wo)man up, I've been paying homage to these feelings and figuring out what's caused them, and why I feel that way. I need less validation from situations/people that have hurt me; instead, I just need validation from myself to feel the feels. 

YOU'RE ALLOWED TO FEEL AND YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID. << put on repeat >>

Okay, so it's not like I'm some guru who is so enlightened and never turns to red, red wine when emotional. But I think it's about not turning to red, red wine all the time. To leave some days for being brutally honest with yourself. I'm learning to do more of that, and I'm liking the woman I'm seeing emerge from it. I'm really, really liking her. 

Because You're F*cking Brave

Hey you. You're sitting there, often feeling so very tiny, but why?

It's time to remember who you are. 

YOU are the woman who takes the big chances even if you're scared shitless. You could be trembling in fear and you do the big thing anyway. 

You jump off the ledge. 

You pledge your feelings despite the sting of rejection. 

You venture into darkness because there might be an adventure somewhere in there. 

You switch cities even though it's terrifying. 

You live your heart's desires.  

YOU ARE FUCKING BRAVE. 

And that’s it, my dear. The thing you haven’t said out loud to yourself. So congratulate yourself with it. Bathe in it. Adorn yourself with this word, because it is yours. Wear your many gold bracelets of bravery, standing tall as a goddamn warrior princess with your spear (it's a new vision of myself, and I'm feeling it). 

Keep on being so damn brave, for you know deep down your only real fear is regret.

33, but not old yet

It cracks me up how our 30s are this weird zone in where somehow we're considered both young and old.

We're supposedly more mature than our 20s, but that doesn't mean we have it all together. Yeah, I bought myself a pretty rug and nicer dresser than the Swedish kind I used to buy, but I still have intense wanderlusty ways and think about catching a one way flight to Europe often.

I'll never really change or grow up in the way society wants me to, and I'm more at peace with that.

Incessant brainwashing since we were babies telling us where we should be at what stage still makes me feel behind sometimes--it's hard to shake. I have to remind myself that gypsies can't really be told what to do, which is what I am.

I'm not trying to be the rebel. I do a lot of things that helps me fit into society: I like gel manicures, I still listen to Justin Timberlake, and I certainly watch This is Us.

But I also adamantly stand by our right and freedom to declare our own path, without any interference from other people.

So maybe I will be that weird 30-something who wants to foolishly travel the world and live in different time zones. So then I'll be weird and foolish. But also content with my own choices.


***
P.S. I haven't posted here in AWHILE but that felt good, must not forget that writing is my cure to all that ails me. 

P.P.S. I turned 33 on 3/3, how do you like them apples?

Hi again,
Blog World!

Enter the Scary Caves

"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek." 

Moving to a new city brings up a lot of fears, doubts, and feelings I pushed way deep down into my body. They are now bubbling up as I start a new life in a new place. Those fears include trusting people again, becoming open hearted once more, and shedding the baggage of the past. 

I didn't talk about all my sad days in New York on here because I hate being that depressing broken record. As you know, I stopped writing. I spent many months feeling very small. I had lost my muchness--the thing that makes Ashley, Ashley. 

I'm giving myself permission to be big again and let my energy grow, expand, and take over the damn place. In doing so I must enter the scary caves. This entails: 

• Not being reclusive despite feeling betrayed and hurt by people in NYC. Trusting the goodness of people again.
• Deciding to not ruminate on the past.
• Writing more often to clear my mind and unveil my darkest and scariest thoughts, a very spiritual practice for me. 
• Letting myself explore, smile, create. Letting myself live again. 

Boston, you're letting me hit the "reset" button and I thank you for that. Now, it's time for me put on my hard hat, tie that rope around my waist, and descend into the abyss (time to go all in). 

2016: A Good Traveling Year (and Looking to New Things in 2017)

My most prized accomplishment in life is travel, so of course I had to put together my favorite end of the year post (it's coming a little late).

In an effort to ignore the fact a crazed megalomanic is taking office, let's talk about escapism!

In 2016, I did a lot of US travel, with a sprinkle of international travel. I went to one new country, one new city, and lots of new little towns thanks to driving through Upstate New York and Western Mass.

Here's the breakdown month by month (in case you are REMOTELY interested):

Janaury: Came back from a trip from San Diego over the holidays. Stayed in NYC for most of cold, snowy, slushy January. I experienced my first blizzard this month!!

February - March: Work travel to Upstate/Western Massachusetts/New Jersey...lots of hopping on trains! Below is a view I've seen numerous times taking the train back and forth from Albany.

April: Back to San Diego for work (two week trip!).

May: I had to slip in an international trip, because if I didn't, WHO AM I? London and Berlin is where I took off to with two of my close NYC pals.

June: I was off to Turkey for my cousin's wedding. I have a lot to write about Turkey here on this blog, but the words are not quite coming to me just yet. What you do need to know is that Turkish people are still the loveliest people on the planet, and somehow, they are also the strongest. I think back to how great my visit was in June, and I know that someday I will have more trips to Turkey.

July: Stayed in NYC (in that SWELTERING city heat). Yes, I jump in fountains when it's too hot.

August: Short weekend trip to The Hamptons

September: Upstate New York, Virginia, and Washington DC (I'm really getting used to driving around the East Coast!).

October: BACK to San Diego/Orange County for work (3 week trip!)

November: Berkshires, Massachusetts for work (it's seriously gorgeous up there).

December: Back to San Diego for healing an almost broken ankle and overburdened heart. And what a healing month and a half it's been in California (not to mention a cheeky New Year's Eve trip to Vegas).

***

2016 KICKED MY ASS. It was a year of tears, busy work schedules, discomfort, heartbreak...and yet, I am so thankful for it! It's not enjoyable going through one of the hardest years of your life, but what comes out of it is such intense clarity on where you want your life to go.

2017, I have some plans for you! I'll be in Miami and New Orleans for a second time (my friend's bachelorette and wedding). I'm also taking a long trip to the UK/France come May. I have some more travel up my sleeve, but I'm just plotting it out right now.

Most importantly, August is my NYC expiration date and I am planning my next move. I do have one city in mind above the rest, but I will announce my new city when it's official (don't want to go announcing things on the internet before they are set in stone).

YES, I AM A NOMAD/JETSETTER/WANDERLUSTER (or whatever you wanna call me) AND I AM PROUD OF IT.

Here's to life in all its forms. I welcome the sadness, I welcome the happiness, I welcome everything that makes me a strong, beautiful, fearless woman. I have not felt more independent than this moment, knowing that I can take it all and still stay standing. 

My Gratitude Post

Hey, I'm Ashley. 

Believe it or not, this is a recent pic. I just felt like buying a college sweatshirt. I'm the nostalgic type :) 

I grew up in San Diego and went to San Diego State for my undergrad. It's a pretty damn delightful place to grow up. Did you know it's actually dubbed "America's Finest City?"

I'm pretty grateful I grew up somewhere so pretty, friendly, and culturally diverse. I have two loving parents that raised me here. All of this set the foundation for who Ashley is.

***

One of my fave traveling photos! 

I caught the travel bug so very young. My first trip out of the country was to Turkey at 7 years old. Ever since then I had an intense hunger to travel as much as possible, which continues on today. I'm grateful I'm the "always hungry" kind of girl. I can say with confidence that will never change. I plan to be 55 and still traveling away. Just watch. (I've been to 17 countries and counting!).

***

That travel bug got me to move out of San Diego, twice. Once to London, and also to my current home, NYC. I'm grateful I have this awesome list of places I've lived: California, the UK, and the Big Apple.

Just looking at this on paper, I'm proud of myself.  I'm proud for making big moves despite fear. I'm grateful I have the opportunities to make said moves.

***

I worked hard to get a job that caters to my "always hungry" personality. It's the most challenging and rewarding job I have EVER had.

It also allows me to work remotely certain times of the year. This means I am working from San Diego right now, even though my home is technically NYC. I loathe going to the same office everyday, so this is honestly the PERFECT job for me! It's busy and hectic at times, but I'm doing something I BELIEVE IN. I would have it no other way.

***

Lastly, I'm so grateful for people. I have not only family, but friends that REALLY love me. We get into arguments and disagreements at times, because these are real relationships. I live far away from some of very best friends, yet we stay in touch. We forgive each other time and time again for being imperfect and stupid humans.

THIS IS LOVE, and I HAVE IT IN MY LIFE. I could not be more grateful for this!

***

I wanted to create this post because I feel like I look too often at what I don't have. That "always hungry" personality is a double-edged sword sometimes. Writing down all the things I DO HAVE truly brings a smile to my face and provides proof I have a kick ass life. I've accomplished a lot in 31 years, and there's much more to come.

How beautiful of a thought is it that you can choose to wake up any given day and build the life you want? You can move around cities, experiences, and jobs just like chess pieces. YOU have the power. 

I'm grateful for these things, people, and places that make me who I am. I'm grateful for this beating heart, these lungs, this brain that continues to function. I'm so, so, very thankful for life.

Do You Surround Yourself with Doers?

My cousin (pictured above with me) is a person who I would consider a doer. By doer, I mean someone who has a list of things he/she really wants done in life which he/she actually ends up doing. It can be as small as wanting a picture on an NYC stoop (evidence above), or can be as big as writing a best-selling book in Turkey.

My cousin is the reason I ever left San Diego in the first place. She's 5 years older than me, so I was able to follow her career before I ever started mine. She worked in fashion, wrote an Italian-to-Turkish dictionary, lived in Italy for a year, and recently wrote the aforementioned best-selling book. To say my cousin is an inspiration is an understatement. She was the first person I ever knew to do bigger things than just staying in a complacent job and living the status quo life.

When I applied for grad school in London, I knew I could do it because she had done big things, too. Same goes for any big event in my life. Recently, she visited NYC and we had many great talks in where I left feeling uplifted.

This is because doers uplift doers.

Once you realize you are someone who has a HUGE bucket list, and a short amount of time on earth to complete said bucket list, there's really no second to waste! Furthermore, there's no room for people I'd like to call stallers. These are people who have excuses for not doing the things they dream of. These people often say "well that's just the way the world works." They think one bad experience equates to life being bad, i.e. "I've had my heart broken, thus, love doesn't exist." They stall their dreams thinking it's too much work and not realistic.

I know a few stallers here and there, and while I won't cut them out completely, I've decided to really limit the amount of time I spend with them. That time can better be spent crafting grand ideas I intend to put into motion. That time is better spent with my doers. Frankly, we've just got too much to do.

P.S. I've already started limiting time with those stallers, and putting time into being with doers and doing more, and guess what? I've been writing up a storm! When I start to make time for the things I love and people that inspire me, one of my greatest loves comes back to me--WRITING! 

Reemergence of Self:

When your personality and heart come shining through again after a rough patch. When that spark behind your eyes turns into a fire. When the strength floods back into your veins, pumping ferociously, jolting you out of bed. When you wake up in the morning and you smile. All because you know this life is yours to create--this life is YOURS, period. 

***

What a difference a week makes! When you mindfully and purposefully take a week off from thinking of other people and make YOURSELF the priority, it's interesting how your view of the world completely changes. 

I've been very reflective this week about everything: life, that guy, my tears, my right to have those tears, and how to become myself again. Even in one week's time, I feel a LOT like the old Ashley. She was lying dormant for far too long, and she's having a fucking parade celebrating the Reemergence of Self. 

I know I still have work to do, but it's funny how taking the first step toward loving myself has made all the difference.  

Saying Goodbye, Wine, and Michelle Branch

I've been replaying Michelle Branch's "Goodbye to You" today. The reason is threefold:

1. I love her. Can she please make more music? And no more country crossover, Michelle!!!
2. "Goodbye to You" was an unusually good song for the time, and for such a young artist. It's classic.
3. I told the guy from this post that I needed some major space and we're not to see each other until I give the go ahead.

Letting go, indefinitely, of someone you really care for is heart-wrenching. Despite romantic feelings, he is a best friend, a confidant, a trusted 'NY family' member. But what's more important than all of that is my emotional well-being. Since I wrote the above post, I tried to keep him in my life, but change my outlook on him.

That failed.

And that's because I'm human. You can attempt to outsmart your feelings, but your feelings are not tied to your brain, they are tied to something much more primal. I knew I needed space, but tried to hold on. I had given too much of myself to him over a year. Thus, I began to become quite angsty. I was taking my anger out on the people around me that had nothing to do with the situation. I was pushing people away. I was becoming a nuisance.

Once I realized this, I started to profusely apologize to those around me. I cried and said sorry and made amends. And finally, today, I made the one change that was needed--I said goodbye (for now). I'm not sure how long goodbye is, but I needed to say it.

In the last argument I had with this guy, as I looked up at him with tear soaked eyes, he said in frustration to me "You're going to get mad at me for saying this, but you're young." He meant that I was naive. I realized at that moment he didn't understand my pain, but finally, I didn't need him to. The thing is, we all become a little young when we're really hurt, when we really love, when we really feel. We become more in tune with our inner child. I'll take young over being jaded, which is his outlook on life.

So as I sit here, drinking my wine, listening to Michelle, I carry on with the knowledge that I gave it my all. My whole heart was in it--my young, extremely loving, forgiving heart. I do believe I'll see him again. When I do, I'll have regained my strength because I chose to use my very loving heart to love me instead.

What's Happenin' (June and July)?

1. The month of June was really good for me. A major thinking month. A major growing month. A big part of that had to do with #2 on this list.

2. Going to Turkey was the best thing for my soul in a very long time. It had been 5 years since I was in Turkey. My trip was nothing short of magical. I remembered all the things I love about the country that introduced me to travel. I felt at ease and in my element once again. There's something about Turkey that seeps into the veins, the best kind of drug. Being in Turkey made me realize that London is not the only place I can love this much. Thus, going to Turkey has helped me embrace NYC in ways I was unable to before. I feel 100% ready now to do some LIVING.

I will write a post about the attacks and my time in Turkey later, but for now, I wanted to just talk about how it is the center of my heart. Turkey, thanks for saving me, yet again.

3. July will be a month to have some summer fun in NYC, arguably the best season in the citayyyyy. I have some fun plans revolving around picnics, concerts, boat rides, possible weekend trips to a nearby beach, and just general embracing of life. Being in the sun, breathing deep, drinking coffee--basically all the best stuff.

4. Music is a big part of me. I went to a free Blink 182 concert presented by Good Morning America:

With David at the Blink concert at 7am. Nostalgia is worth the early wake up time. 

I've also been digging these artists lately:

Grace: an Amy Winehouse reincarnate. Only 19. Has some growing to do but she's pretty damn good as is. Oh, and she's Aussie, so her cute accent comes through sometimes. 

Years & Years: Electronica group from London. Smooth dance music with catchy-as-all-hell hooks. CAN'T STOP LISTENING. 

***

That's the gist of what's been going on around here. What's been going on with you?!? 

Breaking Down These Walls

Just got back from 8 days in London and Berlin, which proved to be some ample life-contemplating time. And yes, the above photo is of the Berlin wall--well, a section that has been kept and turned into continuous art where Berliners can add layers and layers of graffiti (this is also an outdoor concert venue and park).

There's something really awakening about staring at a section of the Berlin wall. Thoughts about humanity, despair, loneliness, and perseverance all come to mind. It also made me think about the walls I put up around myself, and how I've carried on in New York over the last 9 months.

Without being too specific, I feel like writing about something that has been affecting my heart over this time period. I've been very attached to one person here in New York. So much so that I pretty much fell for said person, but it never developed past a best friendship.

I asked myself, how did I become this girl? A girl who falls for a best friend and can't move past it? A girl who gets stuck in unrequited love?

To be easy on myself, it's quite effortless to do so. And I think I'm pretty notorious for wanting men that are unavailable emotionally, because I have a noncommittal spirit myself. Of course, my heart became saddened and constrained everyday by wanting more from him and not receiving it...a vicious cycle of wanting and hurting. I do not blame him, because we cannot ask more from people than they are willing to give. In this hamster wheel sort of relationship--seeing this person nearly everyday, and sharing deep secrets, and having great laughs and many tears--I focused too much energy on him and not enough on getting to know New York. The walls I built up, in this case, kept the city out.

I think about my time in London often, and the biggest difference between the two cities is that I really let London soak in. All gates, locks, walls, and fortresses around my heart were abandoned, and I jumped head first into adventure. While I will always prefer London over NYC (because, I'm a Londoner, ok?), I think I have not given a fair chance to this fine American city.

Something switched in me during this recent trip where this all became apparent. And it happened in Berlin, staring at these oppressive walls.

I know what I must do now. I will not allow myself to become stuck in the confines of my self-loathing thoughts. I want all these walls to come crashing down, as if it were 1989 and because it's damn well time to. You can have all the love in your heart for someone but know that it's just not serving you well.

I have about a year and a half left to live here, and I am going to visit all the jazz clubs, and eat all the pizza, and engulf myself in literature, and go on dates with new men, and just...let myself be open. I will say yes to life, and yes to New York. You'll see this mighty woman, standing proudly on a pile of rubble that was once a huge wall, head held to to sky, open for adventure once more. 

What's Happenin' (April and May)?

I'm gonna merge April and May for this post because of the amount of travel I put on my plate (totally feasting on said plate), and the small amount of time I have in between to post.

So what's been happening in Ashley's world?

APRIL was the month that belonged mainly to San Diego. I was soooooooooo ready to soak up some sun. I was in SD for work, but obviously had the pleasure of seeing friends and family whilst gorging on Mexican food and In N Out for 2 straight weeks.

San Diego, in a nut shell:

Being in New York for awhile has made me appreciate San Diego to the MAX: It's clean! It's warm! It's a comfortable life! And being in San Diego for 2 weeks made me want to go back to NYC: It's interesting! There are things happening! CITY CITY CITY!  

That's why it's good I found a job that caters to my very gypsy soul that skips between different patches of green grass. I'll never change. 

***

MAY is going to be the month where I'll be heading to London and Berlin for an 8 day trip. I'm stoked! My 2 favorite New Yorkers are coming with me, whom you will see in my upcoming posts. It's been quite awhile since I've set foot in Europe (a year--that's LONG for me!), so May 10th can't come soon enough. 

Other stuff that's been happening recently: 

1. It's SPRING in NYC. Break out my denim jacket...weeeeee!  New York is gorgeous in the  springtime, ya'll. 

2. My cousin has a bestselling book in Turkey! My family is cool: 

via

My cuz (Begüm) totally inspires me to be creative once more, especially when it comes to writing. One of my life goals? Become published (at least an article). 

3. I've made the decision to stay in NYC next year. This is a city that will give you a beating, but in a way that brings out a fervency to be the best. I reckon there will be a point where that will become exhausting, but I haven't reached it just yet. So it's one more year (at least) in the big city for this little lady. 

And there you have it, folks. The "main headlines" of Ashley's life for April and May. And if you feel like sharing...what's been happening with you? 

What's Happenin' (in March)

Have you asked yourself, "what's been happening in Ashley's life in NYC?" (you wonder all the time, riiiight?). Just like Lumbergh from Office Space:

1. I've been brunching it a lot, which I am convinced is a practice that started in NYC to begin with.

2. I had a smashing birthday party (I turned 31...weird age!).

And yes, you can sing "LADYYYY IN REDDDDDDD" to me. G'head. 

3. I became obsessed with Neko Case and (and her band the New Pornographers, when she's not solo) thanks to Donny. They've been around awhile, and I've heard of em before, but didn't really listen until a few days ago. I am just BLOWN AWAY. Seriously guys, listen. 

4. I've been SEARCHING for a good spring jacket. Recommendations??

5. I've booked trips to London, Berlin, and...wait for it...TURKEY. More on this later, but I AM SO EXCITED I CAN'T CONTAIN MYSELF BECAUSE TURKEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. 

6. I've been enjoying photographing the city.

7. I've been happy spring is just about here. Which really means shedding off winter blues for some more vibrant colors.

(Thought I would do these sorts of posts about once a month, to show what's been happening in Ashley's world, other than her talking in the third person. Cause that happens often). 

Switching Seasons

NYC is starting to feel springy

The weather took a delicious turn into 70-degrees today, and it forced me to brush off the frost that was still desperately clinging to my spirit. Spring is serious business in places that have real winters (San Diego doesn't even notice a changing of seasons), and the effect on people is noticeable.

Because I'm such a gypsy, but with a neurotic mind, sometimes I feel like I'm not sure where I am going or what I am doing with my life. Am I wasting time? Am I floating along like a lily in a pond, unsure of where I might float to next? Then I think floating is not so bad, and I should let myself float as long as I'd like to.

I'm going to go with that train of thought, because it's the gentler thought and one I should always be embracing. We should always be finding ways to be a bit gentler with ourselves, I think.

There is something that switched in me today. Maybe it was brought on by the weather. Maybe it was brought on by the solar eclipse. No matter what it was, I'm going to float with it as long as possible. 

11 Years (A Blogiversary Post)

Tomorrow--Feb 15th--marks my 11-year blogiversary.

When I started this blog, I was a sophomore at San Diego State University and a mere 19-years-old.

OLD PHOTO ALERT!!! I look like a baby. A sorority baby, that is.

I'm now 30 and have lived in London and moved to New York within that 11 year time frame. I've completed both a Bachelor's and Master's degree. I've had over 8 jobs since that time, including working at an oppressive smoothie shop, being an after-school teacher with adorable kiddos, taking a job as a copy editor, and most recently, landing a career that I love as undergraduate advisor for international education (a cause I can get behind).

All I can say is...wow, life. I don't think 19-year-old Ashley knew what was going to come in the next 11 years, but she couldn't have dreamed it all up, anyway.

I took this photo the other night at my friend's bday party, and I realized I no longer look like a baby.

There's experience and life behind those eyes, now. About 11 years worth.