In My Feelings

I’m going through a rather intense transformation right now. It’s that kind of transformation where you pull all your insides out and search for the cancerous bits to cut away. I don’t remember the last time I’ve examined myself this closely, this ruthlessly. 

There's been many tears in the last month and they've been all good tears. I realize I'm putting the work in towards bettering myself, and that's a real painful process. Our society offers so many ways to numb ourselves, it's unreal. We, in turn, become unreal: some sort of doped up, Netflix addicted, feeling-avoidant cyborg who pretends to have it all together but is really falling apart inside. Good thing they have a pill for everything, right? 

When going through pain I've been learning (finally) to not avoid it, but to really feel it. Let it burn with the fire of 1,000 suns until it's shooting out of your fingertips. Let anxiety and sadness take their hold on you because, goddammit, you're human and this is what's it all about! Instead of ordering myself to (wo)man up, I've been paying homage to these feelings and figuring out what's caused them, and why I feel that way. I need less validation from situations/people that have hurt me; instead, I just need validation from myself to feel the feels. 


Okay, so it's not like I'm some guru who is so enlightened and never turns to red, red wine when emotional. But I think it's about not turning to red, red wine all the time. To leave some days for being brutally honest with yourself. I'm learning to do more of that, and I'm liking the woman I'm seeing emerge from it. I'm really, really liking her. 

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