Breaking Down These Walls

Just got back from 8 days in London and Berlin, which proved to be some ample life-contemplating time. And yes, the above photo is of the Berlin wall--well, a section that has been kept and turned into continuous art where Berliners can add layers and layers of graffiti (this is also an outdoor concert venue and park).

There's something really awakening about staring at a section of the Berlin wall. Thoughts about humanity, despair, loneliness, and perseverance all come to mind. It also made me think about the walls I put up around myself, and how I've carried on in New York over the last 9 months.

Without being too specific, I feel like writing about something that has been affecting my heart over this time period. I've been very attached to one person here in New York. So much so that I pretty much fell for said person, but it never developed past a best friendship.

I asked myself, how did I become this girl? A girl who falls for a best friend and can't move past it? A girl who gets stuck in unrequited love?

To be easy on myself, it's quite effortless to do so. And I think I'm pretty notorious for wanting men that are unavailable emotionally, because I have a noncommittal spirit myself. Of course, my heart became saddened and constrained everyday by wanting more from him and not receiving it...a vicious cycle of wanting and hurting. I do not blame him, because we cannot ask more from people than they are willing to give. In this hamster wheel sort of relationship--seeing this person nearly everyday, and sharing deep secrets, and having great laughs and many tears--I focused too much energy on him and not enough on getting to know New York. The walls I built up, in this case, kept the city out.

I think about my time in London often, and the biggest difference between the two cities is that I really let London soak in. All gates, locks, walls, and fortresses around my heart were abandoned, and I jumped head first into adventure. While I will always prefer London over NYC (because, I'm a Londoner, ok?), I think I have not given a fair chance to this fine American city.

Something switched in me during this recent trip where this all became apparent. And it happened in Berlin, staring at these oppressive walls.

I know what I must do now. I will not allow myself to become stuck in the confines of my self-loathing thoughts. I want all these walls to come crashing down, as if it were 1989 and because it's damn well time to. You can have all the love in your heart for someone but know that it's just not serving you well.

I have about a year and a half left to live here, and I am going to visit all the jazz clubs, and eat all the pizza, and engulf myself in literature, and go on dates with new men, and just...let myself be open. I will say yes to life, and yes to New York. You'll see this mighty woman, standing proudly on a pile of rubble that was once a huge wall, head held to to sky, open for adventure once more. 

The Post Where I Get a Little Narcissistic

This is going to be a narcissistic post, but I don't care.

I'm proud of myself. 

I'm proud of going after a job I really wanted, even it meant waiting around for ages for things to come together. That waiting prompted me to ask my boss for exactly what I wanted. And I got it. Ask and you shall RECEIVE. 

I'm proud of making the decision to move to New York and really going with that decision. I've learned from this experience that making a decision, even if a little unsure about it, is better than vacillating between too many choices. 

I'm proud of knowing that I can have the things I want in a career: a job I am truly passionate about, one where I get to travel for work, where I get to talk to students about fulfilling a dream of studying and living abroad, and where I don't have to go to the same office everyday (I enjoy mixing up the work week). 

I am proud for not settling. And in order to not settle, I had to work for it. I had to take less pay in an assistant role while keeping the main, grand goal in mind. In doing this, I have achieved said goal! This doesn't mean that this job will be all rainbows and butterflies...I will sometimes have to work weekends and late nights, but I welcome this knowing I will be doing something that I really, really love. This sits well with my soul. 

Lastly, I am proud for being true to myself. I knew deep down it was time for a move, time for a change, time for some action. This truth nagged at me everyday, and I knew it could not be ignored any longer. I am proud for being Ashley, unapologetically. 

This WAS a narcissistic post, but I am proud of being able to claim these actions as my own, and for knowing sometimes it's okay to be a little proud. 

Photo credits: 1/2

Hello Excitement! Nice to see ya.

I've mentioned that I've been very bipolar in the weeks leading up to my departure, and while that is still true, today I've felt excitement take a hold of my body and shake me violently. I'M FREAKIN' GOING TO TURKEY!!!!!!

While the sadness is still there, I am now in autopilot mode. My body is leading me where I ought to go...my head and heart have no choice but to follow. Inevitably, I will feel more sadness and anxiety in the next week-and-a-half; however, there is no doubting what is necessary here: chasing after my dream.

There's nothing like the beat of a happy heart, a heart that knows it's about to embark on a predestined adventure. I say predestined because I've wanted this forever.

***

While I'll probably have more posts like this where I talk your head off with inspirational garble (ha), I must not forget to mention that Jax, my good internet and real life friend, came to visit San Diego. Let me show you with pictures:

It was nice taking Jax to all the "hot spots" in SD, so I could simultaneously say goodbye to my city! Chillin' at La Jolla Cove.

My Oven GF showing us Americans how to have proper ettiquette during breakfast =)

Celebrating Jax's 24th birthday!

Ashley loves Jax! (Photo stolen from Jax)

Toodles to Twitter!

I got rid of my twitter account. I'm simply posting this for those of my blogging buddies that are also my twitter buddies. hehe. We are still blogging buddies. BBF!

Twitter was getting unnecessary...was it ever necessary? I don't need yet another internet obsession clogging up my life. Facebook and Blogger do quite enough damage for me. So yeah.

FREEDOM!

It has been a hectic hectic few weeks. Instead of a manic Monday, I've had a manic month. I feel like I was a zombie for awhile and I'm very slowly coming back to life. The color is rushing back to my cheeks!!

I can't believe I am graduating!!

And honestly, I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. And by a long time, I mean a year or two.

I haven't mentioned J in awhile, but that's because I haven't needed him. I NEVER needed him, I just thought I did, and convinced myself that I did. He's tried to contact me in the past month...and I've said my hello, and been nice, but I've told him I don't want to talk or see him. Cause SISTA I am strong for once!

Well, I hope to get back into the blogging routine again soon, I need to visit everyone's blog and catch up! Yay for being back from the dead!

Um, yeah.

All I have to say about The White House Correspondents Dinner is that Colbert SLAMMED the President. And not just the President, but the media too. Harsh!

And whether or not you thought it was appropriate, you gotta give him some props for standing up and speaking his mind freely RIGHT in front of the president. That took some guts. And again, though maybe not appropriate, THANK GOD for freedom of speech--something all Americans should agree on.

We have the freedom to make fun of Republicans, Democrats and all the in-betweens. I highly value and cherish that freedom.

And I will say that President Dubya actually did a fabulous job this time around when it came to his speech. Say it with me..."nuclear proliferation."