3.08.2010

Don't worry, they're just insightful tears...

How did I spend my Saturday night?

Crying at a bar.

But as the title suggests, it wasn't a bad thing. Not in slightest, actually. It's what happens when you have a psychologist friend who decides to poke at a wound that you try and try and TRY to keep hidden.

On top of that, I HATE crying in public. I would rather DIE than show vulnerability, which demonstrates the sometimes intensely private person that I can be. But when I do cry in public, when I finally let it all out, it actually feels refreshing and cathartic; as opposed to crying alone, where the only support system is a bathroom towel, or a pillow.

I guess this is all in attempt to surround myself with more community. And, I'm doing a bit of "spring cleaning" from my past, throwing out all the baggage I've carried with me for the past two years.

In case you're wondering, this convo was in fact about J, and how much he affected me and the way I see relationships, love, and...the kicker...myself. That's what made me cry, when my little therapist friend, Beth, pointed out how I saw myself as inferior. The lack of love I received from him translated to "Ashley, something is wrong with you." Well, in my mind it did.

It's been two years, and I still carry that with me. Although I've made such progress (seriously though), I've also been holding on to this horrible baggage that has kept me moving forward in the love realm.

It's the whole idea of having a wound you can't stop touching. I poke my bruises all the time.

"When we are broken and damaged, we somehow convince ourselves that we deserve that pain." (a quote from a pastor from Mosaic Church in LA).

That's when the only thing I can do is turn to God when I just...can't...let...go. There's this Christian fallacy that believing in God means that you can let go of things over night. I'm not sure that's always possible.

Letting go of the past has been a loooonnnnngggg process for me, but a process that I am supposed to go through. It works with my personality. I am over-analytical and sorta shy, and it takes me eons to open up to a person. It only makes sense that it would take me a long ASS time to let go of the past.

I don't feel bad about that. I'm just working on not looking back as much as I do. I'll be placing a band-aid on the wound, knowing it's still there, but resisting the urge to poke.

6 comments:

  1. Oh, I can relate to this, Ashley. Hmm... it took me YEARS to get over the first guy who really hurt me. It even took my (stupidly) getting back in contact with him to remember why things never worked out to begin with (sometimes we tend to over-romanticize the past).

    Well, as a fellow believer in giving things over to God, let me tell you that feelings don't always follow decisions. Say, if you decide to forgive someone, it doesn't mean that the hurt will go away immediately. But the more you move in a direction, the more your feelings will have no choice but to follow!

    It is the enemy who provokes us to focus on old wounds or have self-loathing in order to distract us from tuning in to God's truth.
    The more I dive into God's word and His will for my life, the more I realize who I am in Christ and that really puts things in perspective. And from that point of view, what does it matter what stinky old boyfriend thinks? I am a child of God (and so are you!). :)

    Your friend,

    D.

    P.S. - Do you ever listen to Greg Laurie on the radio? I shared this link with Anthony not too long ago. It really blesses me to listen to his sermons:

    http://www.harvest.org/radio/archives/listing.html?today=y

    P.S.S. - You are a beautiful gal, Ashley!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have a LOT to say about this topic, Ashley, but I think I'll save it for another weblog post. What I do want you to realize is that what you are feeling right now is how I feel when I get to thinking about relationships. I automatically think that I am inferior, and I know that's the wrong way to think about it, but it's the way I am programmed (I commented earlier about this).

    There must be a way to deprogram this subconscious bug, and it takes time and hard work to get rid of it. You are not inferior. You already know that. Now it's time to repeat it and practice it in every action you take towards a good relationship. Takes good, strong practice. It's worth the time it takes to show yourself such appropriate, consoling forms of self-love.

    P.S. I did listen to the Greg Laurie that D suggested to me. He's not a bad speaker.

    P.P.S. You are a sweet, lovely young lady. You should often remind yourself of this.

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  3. Ashley, I think we all recover from heartache differently. And for people like you and I, it takes a lot for us to not only care about someone on that level, but a lot to get over it. And even if it takes a bit longer, the most important thing at the end of the day, is that you do. And by the looks for it, you are getting there. So keep at it.

    And I also think that as much as you are moving forward, that its not so bad to look behind you. That's not to say, to retrace your steps, or, God forbid, to go backwards in any way, but to be able to look behind you to see where you came from, and how far you've come. My hope for you is that you no longer look at that relationship and be hurt by it, but to gather strength in the knowledge that you are past it. That you are in a whole different place where you are happier on the whole.

    I think that is all anyone can really hope to gain with the ending of relationships and the eventual process of moving on.

    Ashley, you are wonderful and amazing and lovely! You'll find your Mr. Darcy <3

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  4. hm. sounds like you got quite the good little therapist friend haha!

    srsly tho, it amazes me and saddens me at how many jerks there out there; its surprising to see just how many girls just dont know their own worth.

    Imagine how this world would be if all men actually knew how to treat a lady and if women knew how uniquely precious they actually are.

    Keep living, learning, and dreaming big.

    Much love and respect.

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  5. Oh I can definitely relate to this, we so easily can fall into the trap of believing we did something to deserve the pain we've been through, and when things hit our hearts it's not easy to let go. It's easy to trap ourselves into repeating a negative mantra back to ourselves rather than giving ourselves some credit, and it takes time - but the more you convince yourself you're a good person who makes a positive difference in the world, the better. I was in a bad relationship for a long time and I think in some ways I am still trying to recover from the damage it did - but I try and look at it as an opportunity to grow from. The more you can learn from the bad things in life, the better life will become. *Hugs*

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  6. Thanks for all of your kind words and truly profound insights, guys! It makes my day!

    ReplyDelete

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