Critical Thinking by the Dashboard

It's funny how you think about life when you're driving. Seeing as I drove from Orange County to San Diego, there was a good hour and 20 minutes there for me to think about my life.

I've been told recently that I'm a guarded person, that I don't always express my emotions and that I use sarcasm to create a shield. This is something that I've known deep down, but never really contemplated.

For those who have known me longest and best, they have told me that I have become more outgoing and more comfortable with myself. Hmmm...it's funny how a person can be two extremes. Somehow I have figured out the art of being hot and cold at the same time. I guess I'm outgoing and ambitious with those that don't intimidate me. But when a scary/new occassion comes about, I put my sheild up so people can't judge the real me. That is changing, however, and the fact that I'm realizing it and writing it down for myself to see is a good improvement.

I'm writing this now because driving home this night, I suddenly had the feeling that I should learn how to let go. I had the urge to just let go of all my fears into the wild black air that surrounds Camp Pendleton--you know, the part where there's no surrounding lights, only surrounding nature. I wanted to release those fears so that they could be attacked by the wild air and off my shoulders.

In a lot of ways I'm like that stretch of land that is Camp Pendleton--hard to see and judge in the darkness, until you turn on a streetlight or lampost to reveal a spot of land. I need to reveal me. I guess, finally, I'm learning how to let go and let the real Ashley shine through.