Sometimes I feel like pulling out all my hair. Which would take a long time, since we're mammals and all.
My day at work was fine. My life is fine. But yet, I freak out...
Again, I think too much about the future. But it is SO HARD not to. I graduate (gulp) in a year in a half. And for those of you that have graduated, you're probably laughing a bit at me right now. But to me, you must understand, this is scary.
Here I am, unsure of where I'm going ahead of me, and my road is running out ahead. And all I can see, glaring at me with evil eyes, is a sign that declares "Ashley, you must now choose your own way."
Which way to go? Left? Right? I've always had a road to follow, always had a path in front of me...and now, it's disappearing. What does society expect, anyway? After 2nd grade, you go to 3rd. After 3rd grade, you go to 4th. You follow the line. You are, indeed, just another brick in the wall.
And now that wall is being demolished. And I can't be in it. I have to find a new home, a new place to settle.
This is all so unnerving.
I'm getting a headache thinking about it too much. It's just so hard when you've had your life planned for you...and now, you have to do the planning.
I hold the pen...and I can write my future. Simply frightening. Simply and utterly frightening.
It never stops getting scary, Ashley...I ran into an ex-girlfriend tonight, who has her masters and bachelors AND credential AND is a sixth grade school teacher, and here I am worrying about graduate school..it never lets up, I think, even after school.
ReplyDeleteIt amazes me how people either pass you up or disappear sometimes entirely, just when you think they are going to be the most important influence in your life, and how little their choices effect you. It's your choices that define who you are, regardless of what you mimic or consider as borrowed material from others. Your own experience guides you; it's your own personal, original journey, no matter how much replication you make in the process.
...And just what the fuck am I talking about? If I knew, I would tell you. Worrying is natural, I guess I am concluding, and that unwritten life will be entirely yours.
So find confidence and faith in that reason alone.
This is actually the easy part...wait till marriage, children, horrible jobs with horrible pay, great jobs with horrible pay, horrible jobs with great pay, great jobs with great pay, debt - debt - debt, not free time for yourself, and forgetting how to breathe.
ReplyDeleteSee, now don't you feel better?
I'm with Matthew, just keep going back to school...you'll never have to pay back the loans...
ReplyDelete