Feeling a sense of longing as I write this. I hate to be a sick little puppy.
Here’s what went down this past week.
I reconnected with an acquaintance; I hardly knew him before. But we both happened to go to the same engagement party. And after talking with him for about an hour, along with flirting and laughing, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t smitten. I hate that word. Smitten. But I think it’s appropriate here.
He contacted me a couple days later, and gave me his number, and said “Call me/text me sometime.”
So I did, which I rarely do with guys. I had jury duty, and was bored, and thought, “Hmmm...I’ll see if he’ll respond.” And respond he did, and continued to talk with me for about an hour. This occurrence, mixed with my smitten-ness, inevitably made me believe something was a‘ brewin‘ there. And I was excited about it.
I’m cringing as I write this. Because all of two days later, I come to find out he has a new girlfriend. And I think, “Why did you even bother talking to me at all when you were about to date this girl? Why the attention?”
And then I realize, I think I completely took it all the wrong way. What I took as flirting and interest was just friendliness on his part. And I feel idiotic. Just because this good-looking, hilarious guy waltzes into my life for one night, I’m suddenly open to the idea of dating him and opening my heart?
I’m interested behind the psychology of this. Is it that some people just really affect you in a kind of primal and rapid way? Or...was it me? Was it that I was looking for love somehow? Because sometimes, yes, I am tired of being the eternal single girl.
But it was more than being discontented with singledom. Because when you find a guy that fulfills a lot of your desires/criteria for the perfect partner, it’s hard to not be...
And so I sit here with an annoying ache over all of it, while hating myself for aching over something so brief, so fleeting. How silly of me.And I hate even coming across as extremely insecure to all of you, but I feel the need to spill all of these toxic thoughts bubbling and gurgling inside of me.
Oh, I am being so OVER DRAMATIC RIGHT NOW. Don’t mind me. I find the humor in all of this, I really do.
Moreover, I know the truth behind all of this. That truth being the fantasy we build up in our minds always overrides the reality of the situation. Man, I was going off of major fantasy mode--I built a skyscraper for this guy in my mind!And now that the reality is revealed, it is kinda hard to accept. Because fantasy is always more fun.
So as I swallow the huge pill of truth (I can feel it maneuvering down my throat), I remember that God has an ultimate plan for my life that I cannot even imagine...and yes, I believe in some form of soul mates.
But for once, JUST ONCE, I’d like to not be logical Ashley, and just kind of wallow in a little bit of dramatic indulgence. Because it’s my pity party (for just tonight) and I’ll cry if I want to.
Rob: I'm tired of the fantasy, because it doesn't really exist. And there are never really any surprises, and it never really...
Rob: Delivers. And I'm tired of it. And I'm tired of everything else for that matter. But I don't ever seem to get tired of you, so...
P.S. I f you read this WHOLE post, you get a pat on the back! It is long and sad, in a very pathetic way. haha. I can’t help but be self-deprecating right now.