Feeling a sense of longing as I write this. I hate to be a sick little puppy.
Here’s what went down this past week.
I reconnected with an acquaintance; I hardly knew him before. But we both happened to go to the same engagement party. And after talking with him for about an hour, along with flirting and laughing, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t smitten. I hate that word. Smitten. But I think it’s appropriate here.
He contacted me a couple days later, and gave me his number, and said “Call me/text me sometime.”
So I did, which I rarely do with guys. I had jury duty, and was bored, and thought, “Hmmm...I’ll see if he’ll respond.” And respond he did, and continued to talk with me for about an hour. This occurrence, mixed with my smitten-ness, inevitably made me believe something was a‘ brewin‘ there. And I was excited about it.
I’m cringing as I write this. Because all of two days later, I come to find out he has a new girlfriend. And I think, “Why did you even bother talking to me at all when you were about to date this girl? Why the attention?”
And then I realize, I think I completely took it all the wrong way. What I took as flirting and interest was just friendliness on his part. And I feel idiotic. Just because this good-looking, hilarious guy waltzes into my life for one night, I’m suddenly open to the idea of dating him and opening my heart?
Why?
I’m interested behind the psychology of this. Is it that some people just really affect you in a kind of primal and rapid way? Or...was it me? Was it that I was looking for love somehow? Because sometimes, yes, I am tired of being the eternal single girl.
But it was more than being discontented with singledom. Because when you find a guy that fulfills a lot of your desires/criteria for the perfect partner, it’s hard to not be...
Smitten.
And so I sit here with an annoying ache over all of it, while hating myself for aching over something so brief, so fleeting. How silly of me.And I hate even coming across as extremely insecure to all of you, but I feel the need to spill all of these toxic thoughts bubbling and gurgling inside of me.
Oh, I am being so OVER DRAMATIC RIGHT NOW. Don’t mind me. I find the humor in all of this, I really do.
Moreover, I know the truth behind all of this. That truth being the fantasy we build up in our minds always overrides the reality of the situation. Man, I was going off of major fantasy mode--I built a skyscraper for this guy in my mind!And now that the reality is revealed, it is kinda hard to accept. Because fantasy is always more fun.
So as I swallow the huge pill of truth (I can feel it maneuvering down my throat), I remember that God has an ultimate plan for my life that I cannot even imagine...and yes, I believe in some form of soul mates.
But for once, JUST ONCE, I’d like to not be logical Ashley, and just kind of wallow in a little bit of dramatic indulgence. Because it’s my pity party (for just tonight) and I’ll cry if I want to.
Rob: I'm tired of the fantasy, because it doesn't really exist. And there are never really any surprises, and it never really...
Laura: Delivers?
Rob: Delivers. And I'm tired of it. And I'm tired of everything else for that matter. But I don't ever seem to get tired of you, so...
P.S. I f you read this WHOLE post, you get a pat on the back! It is long and sad, in a very pathetic way. haha. I can’t help but be self-deprecating right now.
I think part of it must be peer pressure. Which is the worst way to get into a relationship. Kind of up there with, needing a date for a wedding and getting stabbed.
ReplyDeleteI guess. It doesn't usually bug me that I'm single. I think it really was that I liked the person...except I didn't actually know the person. So, a gut instinct. But the instinct was wrong. haha.
ReplyDeleteAm I even making sense?
Ashley, your feelings are totally normal! Nothing to be self-loathing about to cause we've all had that experience before. Besides-- I seriously doubt your experience was as one-sided as you think it was. The guy was flirting with you while prospecting the other gal because men are DOGS. Seriously. I know that sounds bad and I'm not a man-hater or anything... just ask a guy who's willing to be completely honest with you about what goes through his head... On second thought, maybe you'd rather not know. ;-)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, you are totally right about God having the right guy for you! You won't be single forever.
D.
hahahaha!! Thanks D
ReplyDeleteOh man, I used to do this to myself all the time, and then I'd pine and mope for days... until the next one came along! And repeat cycle, etc. Girl, so totally natural. And everybody gets to have a little self-pity from time-to-time, joo know? You need it so that you can be like 'woah, hang on, get back to your normal self, you dumbo' and then kick it in the arse.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, you are a super hottie. And the right guy will show up, and when he does he'll be smitten with YOU, and vice versa. But I totally get where you're coming from - enjoy the ride, girly. This lifetime only comes around once, every experience is an opportunity to learn.
Jax x
Awww I'm sorry. I've been guilty of doing that - once I had almost an identical thing happen to me!! And don't ever apologise for being dramatic. This post was REAL, which is the main thing - lots of people leave out the things that might paint them in any sort of bad light, but I'm drawn to the ones that have the courage to put their real selves out there. I think the psychology of the things we do is fascinating, too - I have a post tomorrow about it :) I think your feelings were totally justified. And I love what Jackie said - everything in this life is an opportunity to learn from. Keep your chin up, miss - God has the right guy for you, and it's just a matter of time and patience until He reveals him - until then just see these as lessons to be learned along the way :)
ReplyDeletethanks em and jax. It's nice to not feel so crazy.
ReplyDeleteBTW...you are both from England. Say hi to each other :) LOL.
Story of my life, dear. I don't know how long you've been reading my blog, but I do that way too often. And then I take it to the next level, where I can't live without them. Once they figure out I'm crazy, it's the end of the world.
ReplyDeleteYou read my blog. You know what over dramatic looks like.
I know sometimes I get incredibly irrational, but as the others have said, we all do it. I just do it way too often.
Gee, this sounds familiar. Didn't I do this for almost two years (maybe three)?
ReplyDeleteNo, this wasn't too long, and no, it was not pathetic. I like it when you put yourself out like this. As D says, it is perfectly normal to feel this way. And there's nothing wrong with your gut instinct. It's just what goes on. Maybe he was flirting with you. Most men, if given the chance, can and will.
I try not to, but even I flirt sometimes (God forbid). It's pretty natural behavior; unfortunately, it doesn't mean anything sometimes. Women do it, too; quite a few women do it. Excuse me: girls, not Women.
I don't think you were wrong in what you sensed, but you may have been unsure about his intentions. Or at least he was unclear. Either way, there's no shame in feeling the way you felt. Being attracted to someone and then feeling let down is just part of it. Step on up to the next, and please, keep your heart open. Don't let a little stumble keep you down.
Oh, and you texting a guy? To me, THAT'S A BREATH OF FRESH AIR. More women need to be more forthright, I believe. You are awesome. Too bad for him.
I am TOTALLY getting you on this pst. The last two men that I have had what I feel is a natural attraction to and some key interests in common with - and it was really feeling mutual... turned out to be already IN a serious relationship. WTF?!?!?! IS IT ME?
ReplyDelete