Now, the first time that I found out about my dad having cancer, I was beyond distraught. Standing at the threshold of death is both terrifying and other-worldy.
This is because we have almost convinced ourselves that we are somehow invincible, that if we distract ourselves with enough work or technology or nonsense, surely death will get lost in the busyness of it all. But when it does find you, let me tell you, it is the biggest and most sobering slap in the face. As John Mayer has once sang, "You know it's nothing new/ bad news never had good timing/ but then the circle of your friends/ will defend the silver lining."
And there is always a silver lining. What's the word for that? Oh yes, hope. Shall I pull out another quote? Yes, I shall: "Hope guides me, that is what gets me through the day and especially the night. The hope that after you're gone from my sight, it will not be the last time that I look upon you." (Thanks, A Knight's Tale).
We knew that my dad's cancer would come back, it was just a matter of when. I should confess that my dad is one of the lucky ones, finding a treatment that works well for him--a treatment that is not invasive, and has little side effects. But there will come a day when the treatment will no longer work (who knows when that is?)...when his body becomes immune and the cancer cells can no longer be outsmarted.
This, of course, is hard to think about and internalize.
Hello death, we meet again.
But this time, I am not distraught. The last cancer scare was a huge life weight to lift, and I have got some major spiritual, mental and emotional muscles on me now--I am all the more strong. The best I can do is shape my mind so that it no longer obsesses about the presence of death; rather, I vow to hold onto the presence of life while it's still here.
"Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last." --Revelation 1:17
"Watch your thinking change."
I'm sorry to hear about your dad. Your words gave me goosebumps though - the part about focusing on the presence of life.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry about this. :( I have dealt with cancer with my grandma and the side effects of hers are pretty awful.
ReplyDeleteIt's not easy seeing a loved one go through cancer. Giving you lots of prayers a love!
Oh love, I'm so sorry. But your dad's a fighter, and you're all there to do whatever you can. Thinking of you guys. I'll send you an email.
ReplyDeleteLOADS of love coming at you!
Jax x
Oh my love, I am so sorry to hear this news. I have so much admiration for the way you handle the tough stuff with such wisdom and grace. I'll be keeping you both in my prayers over the next little while <3
ReplyDeleteOh Sister. Want you to know that I love you and am praying for you and your Dad and Mom. I will stand with you guys. Let me know how I can help support you.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what you're talking about I'm an angel x.
ReplyDeleteOh, Ashley! I'm so so sorry to read this. Thoughts and prayers headed your way!
ReplyDeleteOn a lighter note ... I'm not the only fan of "A Knight's Tale"?! :) Awesomeness.
I'm sorry to hear this. Praying for your family.
ReplyDeleteVery sorry to hear the news too. I hope more advances in medicine and treatments will come soon that he can benefit from - I know there have been some in the past decade, so let's keep praying for more, and that I hope for strength for him and your family during this round.
ReplyDeleteRemember that presence of life means alot more to you, as well as to me, as a spiritual and mystical experience. Presence, in itself, is a consciousness that holds on to "life" in the most fundamentally spiritual way. Presence of life is not absence, or death. Therefore, no matter what happens at this particular period of time, you will almost always have presence. And so will your father. Much love to you and your family, my friend.
ReplyDeletei couldn't help but be brought to tears. i am so glad that you are stronger now in so many ways. i can't imagine what it's like. i certainly don't want to.
ReplyDeletei feel like i can relate a little though. my grandpa has alzheimer's and it does feel like cancer. cancer that has robbed him of himself. this terrible disease has taken us from him and him from us. it's hard to sit and wait and watch.
i hope that your dad's treatment continues to be effective for far longer than you could ever hope or dream and when the end comes, i hope it is painless and that you have time to say goodbye. my heart and prayers are with you and your family.