Sometimes I want to pull out my hair, seriously, just pull it all out. It would be easier to be bald, anyway. Less hair care.
I feel (almost constantly) that there is this ENORMOUS pressure put on us to succeed. And if you fail, they might as well just ship you off to Cuba or something to hang with Fidel. You might as well just be an outcast or something.
There is a great pressure that has been placed on my shoulders--from my parents, from society, from the world--telling me that I better make the right decisions here and now. I'm 20, people! I know I bring up my age a lot. But I find it funny and ironic that many view 20 as an adult age (in terms of consequences), but when it comes sense about life, no one would take a 20-year-old's rantings seriously.
And, I don't really expect people to take me seriously. I'm young and foolish, what can I say? Even my keen logic doesn't save me from experimenting from time to time. I blame it on my age.
What is success, anyway? Wealth, family, love, pride? What I define as success may not be another person's success. The bland definition of success in the dictionary goes as follows: To accomplish something desired or intended. Then, those dictionary bastards had to add this quote in there: “Success is counted sweetest/By those who ne'er succeed” (Emily Dickinson). Yep. I can relate with that freakin' quote. The grass is greener, right?
I just feel the pressure to succeed where my sister has failed (that's a harsh thing to say, I know, but I feel like it's expected from my parents). Kind of like, one kid failed, so if the other does, we're failures as parents. Which is so not the case, but I can't help feeling that way.
That's the real pressure I feel--the pressure to not fail. There hasn't been a moment in my life where I've really messed up. There have been small hiccups here and there, but overall I've been the good kid. Maybe that's why my parents are so hopeful.
Maybe I don't want all the hope placed on my shoulders. Maybe I just want peace of mind. In another way, however, the pressure drives me to keep on going. Maybe the pressure is a blessing in disguise. I imagine I will get gray hair from thinking about it too much.
Ashley,
ReplyDeleteYou want to know what success is? Peace of mind and heart, because if you're at peace with yourself, no matter WHERE you are in life, it won't matter.
I'm old enough to be your mom, so I've been around the block a few times. You are too young right now to truly know where you want to be. Too young to have this much anxiety. Enjoy your twenties, sweetie. They go SO fast. But don't p*ss them away either.
Be responsible. Get your education, but live your life in such a way that you won't have any regrets later on. You will make mistakes, but you know something? That's okay because if you don't make mistakes you never grow.
For example, do you know what happens to a plant ... say a tree during a drought? It digs into the ground deeper, in search of water. And the roots don't stop until they find it.
What do you think happened when that tree got hit with a powerful wind? Had it not gone through the drought, and dug in deep in search of water, the wind would have knocked it down. But the roots were so deeply imbedded within the soil that the entire tree had the strength to withstand the tempest.
I say all this to say, that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, but by the same token, remember you're young. You have time enough to figure things out. Your parents only want the best for you, but sometimes we parents push a bit too hard and we don't realize it. It would help you tremendously if you remember that.
Know your parents are looking at your life through theirs. They see mistakes they've made and they don't want you hurt, but you have to make mistakes, otherwise you won't grow. Listen to what they say (I mean REALLY listen), and do the best you can at that given moment of time. But most importantly, don't let fear and anxiety get a foothold inside you. Live your life.
Hugs,
Tanya
Wow, thank you Tanya...I don't know quite what to say to that, but thanks.
ReplyDeleteAshley