Everybody's Changing and I Don't Feel the Same

The title is a song by Keane, you may have heard of it before. It sort of goes with my mood--a sort of melancholy presence that's kind of hanging over my body.

My uncle isn't doing well. It's a weird thing to say someone you know is dying. It happens everyday, but it's so strange to hear when it hits close to home. It's so aggravating when you can't do anything about it. Time is slowly slipping away, another grain of sand flies by, and my uncle still does not have a liver.

All I can really think about is my cousin. He's my age (20) and is slowly losing a father. If I didn't have my dad with me, I don't know what I'd do. I mean, part of the reason I strive to succeed is because of my father--the reason I do well in school, all of that. I want to impress my dad. I want to make him proud. It's almost like P.J. (my cousin) won't have that anymore. I don't know, I guess he will, but it won't be in a tangible form. I want to succeed and I want to see my father's smile when I do.

But it's more than success, obviously. It all boils down to love.

This is such a hard matter to talk about verbally. Talking about it too much forces tears, and I can't handle that now.

So, I'm writing it out. These words are my tears splashing on the page.

I never really kept a diary when I was younger. It's different now. It's necessary now.

Could you imagine what it's like knowing that the breath you're taking now could be your last breath? That's a reality for any of us, really. But for my uncle, is a reality he's paying closer attention to.

As I am writing this, scribbling away what my heart is afraid to say out loud, I know that my uncle may not be here tomorrow.

Everybody and Everything is changing. Do we ever feel the same after?