the final word

So, for the past few months (or maybe more), I've been extremely quiet on my love life. The last guy I mentioned was Sweater Guy, which feels like ages ago--and he's just my friend now, fittingly.

But now, I feel like it's time for me to open up about someone that has consumed a little too much of my thoughts. I finally feel ready to write this down, and maybe finally write it out of my heart.

I have a guy best friend--his name starts with a J, so we'll go with that--who has been a major presence in my life for the last year or so. When my dad was diagnosed with cancer, he was there to hold me. When I was having a bad day, I'd wander over to his house (he lives down the street) for a hug or laugh.

Consequently--through time and a gaining sense of closeness--I really fell for this guy. And really, I had never fallen for anyone before. There was just one huge HUGE problem, one that should have sent an instant signal to my brain to stop these feelings as soon as possible. This guy has a girlfriend (fiance now). I knew it was wrong to want him, but I convinced myself that I couldn't change what was in my heart--after all, this was not some random guy, this was my confidant, my good friend.

Nothing happened physically, but emotionally there was a connection between us that I believe crossed the line. He made it known that in another time, another place, he'd be with me. That's something he should have never said. That's something that I held onto for too long.

When he proposed to his then-girlfriend in May, man...my heart shattered. I won't lie about it. So if you go back and read some of my posts then, and feel a sense of depression, well that's why.

I'm writing about this now because it finally feels good to write it out. I cried many tears over it and to tell it to you all helps my soul. And most of all, I want to write this sentence out, so I can re-read it and realize that it's absurd:

I feel that if I give him up, and the idea of being with him, I'll never fall in love again, never get married and moreover, never be happy again.

Writing that out, I laugh. It's just not the truth. But isn't that where fear of heartache stems from?

I realize now, writing this, that I will one day find a man that loves me so much, I'll love him ten times more than J. Cause J loves me as a friend, but he just doesn't love me enough to be with me. I deserve more than that, and it's finally something that I'm starting to believe day by day.

Alright, that was long. But it felt good to say. Clearing the mind works wonders, and maybe my heart can start to really heal as a result of it.