Driving back from Santa Barbara today, I gawked outside the window to see the loveliest orange sunset, one that constrasted perfectly against the fading blue sky. Streaks of zesty tangerine triggered my mind to think of love, somehow. Maybe these Twilight books are getting to me.
Then I thought of you. And although my feelings for you are gone, and even though I remember quite well how much of an asshole/prick/douche bag you were to me, it's funny how I still wonder how you are, like I still care how you're doing. Well, I do.
Even though we may never be friends in the future, or even acquaintances, I still hope for your well being. Even though you confidently uttered the words often, I don't think you ever really loved me--it's ok, somehow I got over that part. I still want you to have a happy life, even though you left me bruised.
My only question...will I ever love so passionately again? Was it really love to begin with, or just agonizing infatuation? Guess I won't know until I try someone new. Until I find real love.
And so I come to my one and only New Year's Resolution: To be less guarded--that is, to open my heart to other options this year. Now that I am fully over the past, why am I still stalled in one gear? It's time to look toward the future with open arms, not with a high-five, or a handshake, but a full embrace.
I want to be open to sharing future sunsets with someone that will love me as much as I love them. I believe that's plausible.
So do I, Ashley. Happy New Year's and good luck in your infinitely brave resoluton (I feel similar to finding new people this year, too, by the way).
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteNew Year's Resolution: I have got to STOP double posting!
ReplyDeleteThat is a wonderful resolution.
ReplyDeleteThere is someone out there who will see you for the marvelous person you truly are and treat you with the love, care, and respect you deserve.
To take something from the movie Swingers:
ReplyDelete"...she's a sweet girl, and I love her to pieces, but fuck her, man. You gotta get on with your life. You gotta let go of the past. And Mikey, when you do, I'm telling you: the future is beautiful, alright? Look out the window. It's sunny every day here. It's like manifest destiny. Don't tell me we didn't make it. We made it! We are here. And everything that is past is prologued to this. All of the shit that didn't kill us is only - you know, all that shit. You're gonna get over it."
Ok, there was a point to all of the above. Some days it still hurts, and you can't forget, but you carry on and eventually you come to miss the hurt, as it (like the individual) was part of your life for so long. Good luck in '09Ashley. Keep on keepin' on.
thanks guys...I always love hearing what you have to say about this :)
ReplyDeleteNo doubt that '09 will be the year someone special takes a bite out of your neck.
ReplyDeleteOk, Jay...I am not delusional and do not actually think vampires exist. If I ever start talking crazy talk like that, slap me!
ReplyDeleteWait, Jay...are you a vampire?
Kidding.
Unrequited love leaves the biggest scars on our hearts... but once you share a balanced equal love.. those scars fade and the comparison is immeasurable.
ReplyDeleteYou'll get there!