2.16.2010

An Ugly Present, To Myself

I hate that I compare myself to other people so often. In doing so, I end up convincing myself that I am inadequate in some way to that person.

Facebook is the worst catalyst for this. I'll visit Susy Successful's page, whom I went to highschool with, and is living in a "you'll-make-it-big-here" city, residing in a "you'll-be-happy-here" apartment.

But it's all perception, isn't it? Susy might be depressed, hating her job and thinking her apartment is too small.

While I have confidence in some areas, I am lacking in other areas. I get in these moods sometimes--thinking that I would like to be anywhere else but here. That maybe I am not good enough to reach for twinkling stars.

All these thoughts are wrapped up in my insecurities with an ugly, pathetic bow. A sad present that I have fashioned for myself: To Ashley. Without Love, Ashley.

Logically, I know that I am bright and capable to do a LOT that I set my mind to. Some might say that feeling a bit inadequate can be a good thing. Sometimes it can send the competition pendulum swinging, forcing one to accomplish goals they may have not gained without a push.

All I know is, when I start to think this way (feeling sorry for myself, that is), I inevitably tell myself to shut the hell up. Bathing in my doubts is a dirty way of trying to start the day; I must shower my mind clean of all those belittling thoughts. It's absurd to know that I am capable of being condescending to myself.

I will end this post with a lyric from a Death Cab song that I adore: " And all you see/is where else you can be when you're at home/ and out on the street/are so many possibilities to not be alone."

The grass is greener, right? Time to admire my own grass.

♥ Jeremiah 29:11

6 comments:

  1. As the King of Self-Deprecation, preach it, sister. No better way to stop the nagging doubts about yourself then telling them to shut the f*** up.

    Oh,and I forgot say congratulations on holding up your weblog for so very long. It's been a good ride so far.

    No more fugly presents for you. You're too smart a person to doubt your intelligence.

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  2. I read this and I see myself, and it makes me so happy you're choosing to clear your mind of self deprecation and recognise your own capability and brilliance. Sometimes it only takes the realisation that you have the choice whether to focus on what you don't like, or what you know you can do, and then set out to achieve it. :)

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  3. Nice verse reference. That's one of my favorites, since it's a good reminder that no matter the small picture that we see, He has the bigger and complete picture in mind and is painting it perfectly.

    Everyone's journey is going to be different, we just gotta remember that different doesn't mean better or worse off in the end. Easier said than done of course. But keep thinking positively and rocking on with yo' bad self.

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  4. I think everybody has moments like this, but then good on you for saying, 'oi, you! No more!' That's the hard part.

    And you know that your friends and loved ones are standing behind you cheering for Team Ashley all the way. That's how we roll, yo!

    Jax x

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  5. Great post. We are our own worst critics. But we have to work with what we have and find a way to love each and every part of ourselves.

    Best,

    Hannah Katy

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  6. i swear i don't know why i have half the relationships (if you can call it that) i do on fb. i'm currently on a self-imposed exile and i'm fairly certain i'll do a little house-cleaning before i rejoin the party. btw, very nice verse reference. 2 points. :)

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