There's always been two parts to my personality:
There's the adventurer. The one who wants to see and do everything, travel the world, and conquer new lands!
eager for adventure...
Then there's the home-body. The one who gets attached easily, has a hard time saying goodbye and has an easy time feeling anxious.
These two parts of me are forever at war. One wants to sail to another country, the other wastes time with what-ifs and worries. One wants to try new things, the other wants to bask in what's familiar.
What I'm realizing is I need to start feeding the side of me that will strengthen my character, because I think I dedicate too much time to worrying, which prevents me from fulfilling the desires of my heart.
I read posts about one person learning Spanish in Guatemala, or another person following their dreams to the bright lights of New York, or yet another person traipsing around France--all stories of people leaving their worlds behind for a new world and a new way of life. And you know what? It stirs my soul. Something in the very core of me is awakened. It is beyond a hope or dream, but a calling to experience more than just this little corner of the earth.
And if you've been reading this blog long enough, you might say to me, "Didn't you already try this, Ashley? Didn't you try to live in Turkey, then came back?"
But I went about it the wrong way. When making a big move to any big city, you are one of two people: either, you are the person that can pick up and go, free as a bird with no worries or cares; or, you are the person that has to go in baby steps.
When I went to Turkey, it was far too much all at once: I didn't know the language, I didn't have a job, I didn't have a home, there were surmounting political problems and I started to get lost in all of my anxieties. I failed to pay attention to the very heart of my personality--I will never be a free bird; I will ALWAYS be a little bit of a planner. I needed to have a slice of security, like mastering the language beforehand, or landing a job before moving. I needed at least one anchor to feel at home and push beyond that pesky anxiety.
Of course, this is always easier to figure out in retrospect. But going to Turkey for a month was not a waste, because I gained valuable information about myself because if it.
So, to wrap up this long and drawn out post, I know now what I need to do. My very soul is craving something new, and I must feed it. This does not necessarily mean moving away from San Diego; however, it means I must go after jobs that fit me, not force myself into the mold of a job that just pays the bills. I must have a job that can cater to my personality and dreams.
This might mean moving to a new city. If so, I'm up for it! BLOODY BRING IT ON! Undoubtedly, I will try to talk myself out of this because of fear, an unwanted parasite of a friend that never leaves my side. But this has been years in the making. When in doubt, I must refer back to this post to remember: I was made for more than a mediocre existence. Am I fulfilling the desires of my heart?