A Full Moon & New Phases

In the last week I have felt a reawakening of my cells: they are doing a happy dance for the good things to come. Yeah, that's right, I said good things. We have to keep believing in the good things, because we are the very ones creating those things. Even in a pandemic, even when the world is seemingly crashing down, even when everyone's blood is boiling in an election year, there are still good things, even now. 

I see people bickering in the comment sections of [insert social media platform here] and I see frightened souls who just want to be heard, just want to be seen. I see a president who is dangerous and radical, and I actually see an incredibly insecure person who just wants to be loved. Sometimes, when I'm not angry at him, I feel bad for the guy. All of these people have not embarked on journeys of self healing and self love, yet. Maybe they never will.  

I am happy and grounded and loved, all because I choose to love myself. It's the most simple thing to wrap my head around, but also the most difficult thing to put into practice. It's taken 2 years of digging through the shit to get to this point, and the digging never stops--that's the lesson here. 

Yeah, I know I'm sounding new-agey here, but so what? It's bringing me some kind of peace, mannnnnn. *she says as she pops a peace sign* 

I still stay informed and involved in politics, but I am learning to not get too lost in it. I can make a difference all whilst not losing myself. 

There is a full moon tonight. It's a reminder that things happen in phases. They pass almost as soon as they come in. Tonight I am going to focus on the fullness of that moon: that I, too, can feel whole on my own. I'm sure to pass through more phases where I feel less than, but as with anything, this too shall pass. 

It's Never Been More Apparent That All We Really Have is Now

Sometimes I catch myself reading one too many news articles on the virus, and my mind somersaults into the dark place. I ask myself: what if this goes on for a very long time? What if this is just our new normal for life? What if there is a huge second wave? What if I become an obsessive compulsive person from all this, akin to Jack Nicholson in As Good as it Gets? 

What if? What if? What if?

And then a divine reminder comes in: all we have, and all we've ever had is now. In the Before Times, we gave ourselves permission to hope about all the good days in the future, because there was nothing seemingly bad looming ahead. Now, we need to give ourselves permission to be, in addition to hope. I do still hope for good things: for this to pass, for us to be able to feel safe and free again. But the truth is, I simply can't handle worrying about tomorrow when today is enough to think about.

I'm not ignorant to the fact that it's difficult to be in the Now at this moment in time. Living in a state of emergency wears on the body. Every time I muster enough energy to do a yoga routine, I realize how tight and tense I am. It's evident that I'm holding in ALL the worry. And so, I'll keep on forcing myself to do yoga, to breathe in this one and only second I really truly possess. I'll keep doing all the things that bring me any ounce of joy: writing, watching good shows, good philosophical chats, dance parties, watering my plants, and nice glasses of red wine. I can be happy with this present moment if I remain focused on it.

Right now, the sun is reaching through the window to greet me hello. The little white dog I live with is chewing his bone. I'm living in a city I really love. It's warm and comforting in my home, and nothing--no monster, no virus, no hurricane--is currently threatening my life. If those things do come, I'll deal with them in those moments. But right now, everything is safe and happy and light. Right now is where I want to be. 

Quarantine, Nowhere to Go but Within

Quarantine fucking sucks sometimes, can I get an amen?

I really hate that just got to my favorite city, work visa in hand, and was only granted 2 solid months to wander before we became locked up. I really hate that I had to cancel my trip to Costa Rica and Mexico City. HATE HATE HATE, GRUMBLE GRUMBLE GRUMBLE.

But even though I hate all this, I also know it's doing something to me. Something poignant. Something life-changing...

I'm being forced to stay still.

I have not stayed still like this for 7 goddamn years. I love the thrill of leaving and arriving. I'm always scrolling for flight deals, and take a lot of pride in my ability to fly like a bird.

Well this bird might be going batshit crazy right now, but she's also starting to realize that staying still is bringing a lot of value. I'm forced to venture within my mind to the deepest, darkest, saddest places. I'm confronting childhood issues, yes...those issues. I'm exposing the limiting beliefs within myself that make me a commitment-phobe and afraid of love. I'm uncovering more layers than I ever have before, to the dusty, musty, hard to reach places within my subconscious.

Here lies the root of Ashley's insecurities. Here lies the trauma. Here comes the tears. Here comes the writing. Page after page in my journal. Spilling out all of this muck. It's finally time to release it all. It's finally time to speak about it out loud.

My body is staying still, but my soul is making such crazy progress.

I'm going farther than I could ever go before. Onwards, to the next phase of my life: A life with even deeper connection and love. A life SO FUCKING FULL OF LOVE, maybe this bird won't need to fly all the time.

And we will not take it for granted.

A couple months into my new UK life and the world is losing it's shit. But maybe, just maybe, we needed to lose it?

By now, you will have now heard about the Virus that Shall Not Be Named (because I am sooooo sick of hearing its name). Before said virus, I was already practicing gratitude throughout the week. However, I have NEVER been more aware than than right now about how fucking good we had it, and how much I was still taking that for granted.

I wildly miss the feeling and freedom of venturing out into the day, meeting new faces, having a pint in a crowded and happy pub, concerts, get togethers filled with wine and cheese, and just the SHEER beauty of everyday life. I miss it SO FUCKING MUCH I want to sob over how great we had it and how much we overlooked the beauty of it all.

When it returns (and it will return), will we take it for granted again?

Don't let this lesson slip you by. As much as I hate this, this is a return to noticing the beauty of life smacking us in the face on the daily, yelling "Notice me! You are constantly surrounded by so much loveliness!" I see you, beautiful world. Even in the darkest of night, I hold onto the hope that we will hug again, we will gather again, we will venture again, and we will not take it for granted. 

Approved: I'm an Official Londoner. So, What's Next?

Well I'm sitting here, partially in shock, because my UK visa was finally approved. I NOW HAVE THE LEGAL RIGHT TO LIVE AND WORK IN THE UK! This is a major accomplishment, and I accomplished the fuck out of it.

I am kvelling.

(a bit of yiddish I learned from my Jewish friend)

If I could tell you the amount of work and tears and sweat and heartache I put into this process, oh man! There were times I hit such major roadblocks along the way, I was told it might not be possible. In retrospect, this sounds like a normal path of adversity towards a huge goal. When living it, each roadblock feels devastating--you're simply not sure if this is the end of the road, and then what do you do with your life?

Somewhere along the way I made a vow to remain steadfast despite every roadblock, while also reminding myself that if it didn't work out, I would be okay. I soldiered on for a year and a half, waiting it out, always waiting waiting waiting with every delay, every set back. I said this prayer often: "I pray for the highest good of all to happen," while also writing down "Ashley's visa is going to be approved" on a little note I kept in my purse. Going for a big thing you've always wanted requires a mix of taking action, while also letting go at the same time. It's the most intricate dance.

I did it. I put in the work, and now it is done. 

***

Of course, with this kind of big accomplishment, and big move, comes fear from all angles:

• questions from myself: "how long do I intend to stay in the UK? Forever?" 
• questions from others: "do you know the UK has changed? it's more divided and dangerous now than it ever was, ARE YOU PREPARED?" (this from a friend who was sweetly trying to warn me) 
• questions from parents: "you'll be far away, will it be like this always?" 

All I hear in these three questions is FEAR FEAR FEAR. After reading Eckhart Tolle extensively, who is probably my favorite author, I've realized that the ego wants to live in a continual state of fear. It'll give you a second to be happy about your accomplishment (feeding the ego!), but then jump to the next big thing, FEAR (which also feeds the ego!). The ego is a goddamn drama queen. 

While I still believe in planning for the future (and being aware of danger and the feelings of others), I refuse to let fear seep in so effectively that it robs me of my major accomplishment. As Eckhart has put it: 

"Are you worried? Do you have many 'what if' thoughts? You are identified with your mind, which is projecting itself into an imaginary future situation and creating fear. There is no way that you can cope with such a situation, because it doesn't exist. It's a mental phantom. You can stop this health- and life-corroding insanity simply by acknowledging the present moment...All that you ever have to deal with, cope with, in real life -- as opposed to imaginary mind projections -- is this moment." 

In this moment, I'm going to let myself linger in the thought that I DID IT. I WAS SUCCESSFUL. I ACCOMPLISHED A MAJOR THING. And then I am going to go for a hike by the ocean and become immersed in today. Tomorrow, as they say, will work itself out. 

***

One last time, because I am proud of myself: I did it. I'm an official Londoner now. 

What is next? Living to the fullest, no matter where I roam.