So Green

I've come to realize that I get jealous easily. That's bad, huh? I really am not a fan of sharing what's mine. But people aren't really possessions...so I can't call them "mine."

I always come to realize faults of mine, but rarely do I know how to fix them. So, yeah...I'm a jealous person. What do I do about it? How do I become un-jealous? Do I even know if I'm more jealous or less jealous than anyone else? Not really.

I keep these thoughts locked inside until they rage. Everyone believes me to have such a laid-back demeanor. And I do. For the most part. But being jealous is hardly a laid-back emotion.

It's not just being jealous of guys I might be dating, if that's what you're thinking. But Best friends are the # 1 cause of my jealousy. When someone is my best friend, I don't really want to share. Isn't that selfish? You can never have one person to yourself.

The best friend I'm talking about is Rachel. Rachel is loved by a lot of people. Her boyfriend is one of them. And I like her boyfriend, he's a nice guy. But do I get jealous when she chooses to spend the night at his apartment instead of ours? Yeah, a little. But I choose to accept it because Rachel loves him...and that's her best best friend.

But there are other friends of Rachel that haven't been good to her in the past, that she chooses to give second chances. And yes, logical Ashley says that, hey, people mess up and deserve second chances. But a inner, more hidden part of Ashley bubbles inside with a different answer.

Probably because I've ALWAYS been there for Rachel. ALWAYS. I've never strayed, I've never betrayed her. But this person has. So I deserve more attention. I AM the better friend.

Again, I am being selfish. And Rachel still calls me her best friend, and not really anyone else (cept her boyfriend, of course). So what am I complaining about?

I don't really know. Being jealous is never a logical emotion. It is more of a protective emotion, a primal emotion, if you will.

Sometimes it's just nice to be acknowledged for the good person that I am. One of the biggest pains a person can ever feel is to be invisible--to not be included or accepted. I've felt that pain in the past once, and maybe it comes back to haunt me. And maybe that's why I'm jealous.

Maybe I need to stop thinking in terms of people leaving me...cause they always come back. They always come back to me because I am a good friend. In the end, that will shine through.