So I've been talking about J a lot, and I forgot to mention another guy that has been, um, pursuing me.
This guy--Q--has known me for over a year. I hang out with him every now and then. Last week, when we were hanging out, he said, "Ash, I'd like to take you to dinner." I didn't think much of it at the moment, but when he called me the next day to ask the same question, it hit me--he was asking me out on a date.
Now, Q is a nice guy. Don't get me wrong. And I've known that he's had a "thing" for me for awhile. But I didn't think he'd actually do anything about it.
So, I sent a text back saying, "Ok, we can go to dinner, as long as we're going as friends."
What proceeded was a series of texts he sent saying that he's liked me since last summer, he thinks we would work as a couple, and so on and so on.
My every response was something along the lines of "But I just want to be your friend."
And I feel bad about it! On top of this, today he gave me an adorable (belated) birthday present: brownies, a purple card (with a rhyming poem inside) and a No Strings Attached album by *NSYNC...haha--because I like *NSYNC and I mentioned once in front of him that I was bummed I lost the CD booklet inside. Ahhhhhhh! How did he remember that?!?!
So I told J about everything Q did (yes--I hang out with J, still). And J said "Are you not dating Q because of me? Because he's a great guy."
And that's not why I won't date Q. I'm just truly not interested in dating Q.
But it makes me wonder...what is wrong with me?? Seriously though...I love the guy that has hurt me, made me cry, doesn't deserve me...and I won't date the guy that worships me.
I realize that I'm messed up in the head, you don't have to tell me.
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ReplyDeletei tried to post a comment. it made no sense and i have not even had any wine.
ReplyDeleteGirls in America have problems!
How many times have I talked this with you! "I love the guy that has hurt me, made me cry, doesn't deserve me...and I won't date the guy that worships me."
we are sooo weird...that is probably why i can't even make sense of what i am saying because i don't even understand why we are like this!!!!
haha i don't know what i am going to do if I have to move out of the area soon...:( i will miss you
oh goodness! but just think about it, you'd be Q&A :) ... oh my, tis been one of those days methinks.
ReplyDeleteThis is in response to this and the earlier post.
ReplyDeleteI can understand this situation, totally. I was once in your shoes... the guy I loved broke up with someone else, called to tell me about it and I AGAIN became the "best friend" instead of the girlfriend. It's not like he left her for me... so nothing really changed between us in spite of my hope that it would. But I understand your feelings all too well - you have hope. But J is right, you are NOT giving Q a chance because of him. You probably won't give anyone else a chance because of him. And if J does share your feelings deep inside... nothing wil bring him forward faster than if he stands the chance to lose you to someone else.
Now as for Q... you don't want to lead him on... but you need to be honest with him and tell him your heart is tied to another. All in love is fair.
Q reminds me a lot of me :(
ReplyDeleteNo frank...haha, Q is not you. You're a lot more intriguing to me than Q (even though I only know you over the internet).
ReplyDeleteQ is just...not for me. He cares TOO much about what people think, he's been trying TOO much. And I just feel that relationships should be less forced. I'm all about the natural.
Ashley, you remind me sooo of myself from a few years ago! You don't know me- but I am 27, single, female who was very much a good, wholesome girl like you in my early 20s.
ReplyDeleteReading your blog is like looking back on my own life and where I was mentally when I was in my early 20s. By the time I was 23 I thought I finally knew myself and who I was. I based all of my decisions on that, not realizing that I would change yet again.
I think it happened somewhere around 25 or 26 that my brain matured and somehow I became more "logical" (even despite those monthly cycles). I look back now and wish that I hadn't made so many decisions at 23 based on my emotions or my "heart".
What am I trying to say? Not sure. I can't go back and change my own life. But I can certainly give you my take on your situation with hindsight being 20-20. Your situation is so similar to things that I experienced.
About J- I completely understand your love for him. He sounds young, and young guys do not know how to appreciate good girls like you. Still, that is no excuse or reason to "wait" on him to mature. And even if he DOES appreciate your good qualities, that doesn't necessarily equate to love. What J said to you about Q tells me a lot: He wants the best for you but is not going to be the one to execute it. He cares about you. But Ashley, you deserve to be with someone is going to take that caring to the next level. It doesn't sound like J wants to be the one to do that. I would give J space and go do your own thing. If he really wants you, he knows how to get ahold of you. But don't let him use you. You need to clearly define what it is you want out of that relationship and abide by it (and you don't have to be mean or bitter about how you carry that out, either). You can't change how your heart feels about J - you will probably always feel that way, but you CAN change how you handle the situation. If you put all the control in J's hands, you'll be miserable. If you take back some of that control, you will feel better about yourself and be able to move forward with your life.
About Q - I have been there, too. And I am a sucker for the nice guys. But he has to be the RIGHT nice guy. If you feel that being Q's friend will hurt him the way being J's friend hurts you, then cut off the ties. Not for your sake, but for Q's. If you want to give him a chance, then go on a few dates with him! You never know how your feelings could change. He IS crazy about you and that is an oh-so-important element, especially for guys. And the friendship element of romantic relationships is extremely important, too. But if you really feel like you'll never, ever feel more than friendship for Q, that is OK, too! That doesn't make you a fool. That just makes you honest. Nothing wrong with being honest with yourself and with Q. One day you will meet a nice guy and the chemistry will be there, too.
Most of all, if I could do anything differently from a few years ago, I would pray. I'm not sure what your beliefs are. But I realized (after doing thing MY way) that I have NO idea what's best for me because I can't see that far ahead - but God can. And He wants the best for you. Pray for direction and wisdom and bring every element of your life before him and your life will be blessed and less complicated.
You have a lot of talents to bless the world and the people around you with. I love your writing and am sure you will make an excellent journalist one day (is that what you're going for?).
Hope this helps. Good luck!
D
thanks D, you gave a lot of good advice, actually.
ReplyDeleteI am spiritual...I'm learning everyday in my faith...I still obviously have A LOT to learn.
What's frustrating with J is that I thought everything was past me--the crying, the pain--but then his engagement ended and that threw me for such a loop!
I'm figuring out now what is best for me. Your advice does help though, so thanks.
Huh. It sounds like D has a good perspective on things, especially on Q. Hmmmm...pray for me, D.....
ReplyDeleteWe always fall for J, right? I never try to give Q the time of day, although I'll make the mistake of doing it, just out of wanting to try, and go too far. It's never fair, and it most likely will be unequal when you get what you semi-want, but it will be closer than Q or J and something greater than you ever imagined. That's what we're hoping for at least, right?
I wish you the very best because I want the very best. Let's stick as close as we possibly can to treating ourselves and others fairly.