Remembering My Purpose

It's two in the morning and I just got back from picking up a friend from the hospital for alcohol poisoning.

And man do I feel like a jerk.

Because she's been having a rough time lately and I didn't even know. And you know why that is? Because I've been so wrapped up in myself lately that I haven't even asked her how she's been.

Dude. Here I've been, complaining about my life, saying that I've been bored and uninspired...blah, blah, blah. WELL NO WONDER!!!! There are people to help and friends to check up on that NEED HELP and all I have been doing is looking out for me me me these past few months.

No wonder I've been feeling down. Because throughout my life, I've always felt the most alive when I am helping someone else. Why have I been just looking out for me all this time?

And GOD, I could have lost a friend tonight, and I would have been crushed...when was the last time I've asked her how she's doing, anyways? THANK THE LORD someone called the ambulance for her.

This is a kick in the butt, to remember the reason for my life. Not for me--but for God and others. My purpose is not to make me happy. Because trying to live for just me doesn't make me happy.

I know that I can't fix broken people; rather, that is the job of a supreme being. I can, however, help a broken person stand up, and give them a shoulder to hold onto. I'll be praying tonight.

Beijing and Other Things

Dude, what's up with Beijing? I'm sure you've all seen these pictures before...but pollution much?

That's. just. nasty.

Anyway, to update you...I talked to J a couple nights ago online. Now, I've talked to him a few times before, and everytime he talks about how he's depressed...yada yada yada. (Because his enagagement was called off in March).

So when I tried to give him advice on how to get better and how I got better after he hurt me (and you all know that he HURT me very badly), he basically rejected it.

He said something to the effect of, "This may sound cruel but my situation is worse than yours was."

Can you say jerk? How about asshole? Yes, that works better.

The reason I talked to him a few times since our friendship/relationship dissolved was because I still cared about his well-being. But after this most recent conversation, I realize just how selfish he is. He truly thinks about himself and himself alone. Why should I bother to help? On top of that, I can't help. Maybe once he's lost all of his friends (and he's lost most of them already) he'll realize what a conceited prick he's been.

So I'll wish him a Goodluck and Goodbye and be on my way (yeah, he's in the top five, of course). Talking to him at all won't help him and won't help me.

I think the saying may be true...that past lovers can never remain friends. At least in this situation it is.

I'm Yours

♫ Listening to "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz ♫

Have you heard this song? SO cute!!! Yeah you may roll your eyes at the lyrics, but if you're me you'll just go "awwww."

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
I love peaceful melody
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Now I know I should give up on the idea of J...but here's the thing: once you've really given (and opened) your heart to someone it's hard to just shrug that person off.

So J and I landed on this conversation the other day, and he admitted that he had feelings for me. Now--if nothing else were to happen, this news at least eases my soul a little. When you're in the kind of situation I'm in, you tend to get a little insecure. It's just nice to know that someone cares.

Anyway, I want to make it known that if another amazing guy came along and really caught my attention...yeah, I would leave the idea of J behind. But since that hasn't happened yet, I'm not going to just give up on the person I love the most. Despite his faults, I love him the most.

Remaining Fierce

Watching High Fidelity right now. It's my medicine. (J just might be the Charlie in my life, haha).

I wrote J an e-mail (cause I explain my emotions better in writing) and said that I want to be there for him during this tough time, and I love him, but he needs to treat me with respect and not use me (i.e. we kissed the other night...NOT a good move).

I want to believe that J cares, but all of you are right--he needs to actually show that. Anyway, I said in the e-mail that it's better if we just hang out in group settings. I want our friendship to grow, because no matter what, I know we'll stay friends.

This is the healthy way to go about things. Kissing him, holding him...those things are not going to make the situation better. Even though I did some of those things to try to make him feel better, because he's so sad right now. It's just a temporary solution, though--and I will help him (and our friendship) so much more if I continue to lend my support from a distance.

Anyway, I won't ramble on. I appreciate all the advice you all gave me. I'm someone who truly likes to take advice in and contemplate all my options. So thanks :)

I'm off today to study for italian (blah) and look up more jobs. Ta-Ta for now.

P.S. Yes, the title is a reference to Christian from Project Runway...I love that gay boy!!!!

Oh Goodness.

So I've been talking about J a lot, and I forgot to mention another guy that has been, um, pursuing me.

This guy--Q--has known me for over a year. I hang out with him every now and then. Last week, when we were hanging out, he said, "Ash, I'd like to take you to dinner." I didn't think much of it at the moment, but when he called me the next day to ask the same question, it hit me--he was asking me out on a date.

Now, Q is a nice guy. Don't get me wrong. And I've known that he's had a "thing" for me for awhile. But I didn't think he'd actually do anything about it.

So, I sent a text back saying, "Ok, we can go to dinner, as long as we're going as friends."

What proceeded was a series of texts he sent saying that he's liked me since last summer, he thinks we would work as a couple, and so on and so on.

My every response was something along the lines of "But I just want to be your friend."

And I feel bad about it! On top of this, today he gave me an adorable (belated) birthday present: brownies, a purple card (with a rhyming poem inside) and a No Strings Attached album by *NSYNC...haha--because I like *NSYNC and I mentioned once in front of him that I was bummed I lost the CD booklet inside. Ahhhhhhh! How did he remember that?!?!

So I told J about everything Q did (yes--I hang out with J, still). And J said "Are you not dating Q because of me? Because he's a great guy."

And that's not why I won't date Q. I'm just truly not interested in dating Q.

But it makes me wonder...what is wrong with me?? Seriously though...I love the guy that has hurt me, made me cry, doesn't deserve me...and I won't date the guy that worships me.

I realize that I'm messed up in the head, you don't have to tell me.

Not the final word?

Ok, ok, ok. Some shocking news has been revealed to me this past week, and it's been consuming all my thoughts.

So some of you have been around readin' this blog long enough to read my posts about J. He's the one, that for the most part, completely shattered my heart. You can read about it here.

So he got engaged (which hurt a lot) and it's been a long process, but I've been slowly accepting the fact that he's getting married and that I should move on with my life. The shocking news? He is no longer getting married. The engagement was broken off.

I don't know how to take this news. And the main thing that keeps popping in my head, that I'm trying to push out?? Of course, that maybe he and I can be together...It angers me that I'm having these thoughts...I've spent months convincing myself that I'm too good for him (I am), he doesn't deserve me (he doesn't) and I can do so much better (I can).

But my heart, my stupid irrational heart, says otherwise. Damn you heart, damn you!!

This is not something I'm thinking about for the near future. He just broke off an engagement, for God's sake. I know that he's hurting, and needs time alone to heal.

I'm so torn with my emotions right now, and what could be. I didn't think I'd be in this spot. I accepted his freakin' marriage! Can you see how this is frustrating for me?

And through all this, I know that if the opportunity presented itself, and he wanted to eventually be with me too...

I would say yes. I really hate that I would say yes. I hate it. But I don't hate him at all. And I would regret never trying.

Life is really fucking annoying. It makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs. And the part that is scaring me the most? What if I'm putting all these thoughts into being with him, now that he's "single," and he doesn't want to be with me? This is putting me in an extremely vulnerable position.

I don't think I can take being hurt by him again. I just don't know what to do with my life right now.

Better Days

Yay...ok so my roomie and I bought a X-mas tree yesterday. It was the first Xmas tree we've ever bought on our own. And we're decorating the ornaments for it (with glitter puffy paint!). Soon I will have pictures when it is completely decorated. And it will look magnificent!

Ok, update on my "situation." Well, I had a really hard time this week with the thought of not being J's friend at all. Like, A REALLY hard time. And maybe I should have just waited it out longer...well, yeah, that's a given. But, I contacted him, and we had another talk...and I told him that it would make me feel better to see him every now and then within a group context--something like once a month.

I think this might be the best solution for someone that I used to see EVERYDAY. And I feel more at ease.

Eh, it's not like I really know how to navigate this insane ride of life. But I try and hope for the best.

Do You Really Ever Get Over It?

I feel compelled to write, so here goes...

So you all know that I've been hurt by someone, pretty badly (the few of you that have read through my girly nonsense).

Sometimes, when I have my good days (you know those days where everything just feels right), I believe that I am "over it."

But then I have my days like today, where the pain kind of flares up, and I am reminded that, no, I am not completely over it. And don't worry--I'm not depressed, suicidal or anything of the like. But, I still have this pain that I carry with me, that I've carried for awhile...

DOES IT EVER GO AWAY???????

I'm asking you all because many of you are older, wiser, more experienced than I. So tell me, have you truly gotten over pain?

Furthermore, I pose another question...do you think you can remain friends with that person that has caused you pain? So, my friend J...that's who this is about. Right now, we're on a friend hiatus of sorts. I told him we needed a break from each other, and that we could be friends after a few months, when I'm "over it."

But I'm starting to really ask myself...can I be his friend? Should I be his friend? Can you go back to being friends after being more than friends?

In all truthfulness, I love him. And I love him dearly. I want him to be happy. And I still want him in my life, but I wonder if that is for the best. I wonder if I will ever really heal if I keep him in my life.

And again, do you ever heal?

Ok, I'm asking a lot of questions, I know. But it's one of those things where I'm just contemplating telling him that we're better off as, well nothing. Not friends, not anything. And although that really makes me sad, part of me wonders if we have a friendship to save anyway.

Love, life, pain...it's all too complicated for a simple-minded girl.

I'd like your input, I really would.

On the Rollercoaster

I feel like....I've been falling apart a little this semester. In an emotional sense, that is.

I've never been so scared in my life.

I feel extremely vulnerable just writing that. That's the word for me in the past few months: vulnerable. I hate that freakin' word.

You see, I've always been the logical girl...the level-headed one. People always come to me for advice cause, well, I'm un-biased and LOGICAL. But these past few months, I've been dramatic, frantic, illogical and unlike myself.

Maybe I've been "different" because this is the first time I've encountered anything that has truly challenged my heart. Two things: The thought of losing my dad, and me getting jealous over my friend (which isn't completely solved, by the way). I obviously have this great fear of losing people. That's probably my greatest fear in life.

I've never cried so much. And while it really hurts when I'm in that moment of pain, I realize how much stronger I am. I really do. It's strange. Life is just really strange, and I kind of wish I were a bug...or some stupid animal who doesn't have feelings/emotions. Or so we think, anyway.

I guess, however, that I can't say that completely. Because when life is good, it's REALLY good. And at least I can say that I've truly loved other people.

Needs Work:

I realize that I get jealous easily...I need to work on that. My day would have been better if I hadn't let myself get jealous...but that's just it. Jealousy is not an emotion that's easily controlled.

How do you make yourself not care?

How do you fix your friend when she's broken?

Ok...before I start this little rant of mine, you should know that I had a fabulous weekend. Dancing, movies, laughter--all of it. But that's not what's important at this very moment.

***

I am concerned for my friend. I'm concerned that she keeps taking back her boyfriend who is NOT good enough for her...who disrespects her, who shouldn't be in her life anymore.

WHY does she do this??? I know that love makes you do stupid things and that you're blinded by it, blah, blah, blah.

It's sooooooooooooo frustrating to see them get in arguments, see him be an asshole to her, see them make up like nothing is different, see him promise a change, and then see no change.

It's FRUSTRATING because I love this friend, and she deserves the very best. And he is NOT the best. It's FRUSTRATING because I've told this to her...and she knows it's true...but she forgives him still.

SHE DESERVES SO MUCH MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot stress that enough.

I know that this is not my relationship...and you can argue that it is not my business. But it is...because I love her, and I want to watch out for her. And I am not just going to remain quiet while he disrespects someone that I hold dear.

I know, also, that she has to realize this fully on her own. What good is it for me to tell her? Except that, in telling her, she recognizes that I care and that I am concerned.

And so I have told her. And that is all I can do, really. But if I see him mess up again like this, and then see her forgive him, again...I will be so utterly dissapointed.

She needs to realize how completely gorgeous, fun, beautiful, amazing, wonderful and gracious she is..........she needs to realize that she can do so much better. And she will do better.

I just hope she sees it soon.

Under the Sea

Remember that song? From the Little Mermaid? "Under the Sea! Under the Sea! Darling it's better, down where it's wetter, take it from me!"

More and more I realize that Disney may have put sexual connotations in everything.

Anyway, that's not the point of my post.

Did you hear about the submarine that's stuck, well, under the sea. Yes, I know, submarines are supposed to go under the sea. But this one is actually stuck in a fishing line, and air supply is running out (I suppose it is a very small submarine).

That, seriously, would be my worst fear. I have this great fear of deep water. Not water in general, because I really love water. But I am thouroughly frightened at the thought of not knowing how deep the ground goes below you. And learning about underwater trenches and subduction zones freaks me out even more. Isn't that weird? Fears really are irrational...I think for me it't mostly a fear of the unknown.

I make fun of my mom because she is afraid of escalators...yes, escalators. I have no idea why. But I figure, I probably shouldn't. She definitely has an irrational fear, but then again, so do I.