Ok, ok, ok. Some shocking news has been revealed to me this past week, and it's been consuming all my thoughts.
So some of you have been around readin' this blog long enough to read my posts about J. He's the one, that for the most part, completely shattered my heart. You can read about it here.
So he got engaged (which hurt a lot) and it's been a long process, but I've been slowly accepting the fact that he's getting married and that I should move on with my life. The shocking news? He is no longer getting married. The engagement was broken off.
I don't know how to take this news. And the main thing that keeps popping in my head, that I'm trying to push out?? Of course, that maybe he and I can be together...It angers me that I'm having these thoughts...I've spent months convincing myself that I'm too good for him (I am), he doesn't deserve me (he doesn't) and I can do so much better (I can).
But my heart, my stupid irrational heart, says otherwise. Damn you heart, damn you!!
This is not something I'm thinking about for the near future. He just broke off an engagement, for God's sake. I know that he's hurting, and needs time alone to heal.
I'm so torn with my emotions right now, and what could be. I didn't think I'd be in this spot. I accepted his freakin' marriage! Can you see how this is frustrating for me?
And through all this, I know that if the opportunity presented itself, and he wanted to eventually be with me too...
I would say yes. I really hate that I would say yes. I hate it. But I don't hate him at all. And I would regret never trying.
Life is really fucking annoying. It makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs. And the part that is scaring me the most? What if I'm putting all these thoughts into being with him, now that he's "single," and he doesn't want to be with me? This is putting me in an extremely vulnerable position.
I don't think I can take being hurt by him again. I just don't know what to do with my life right now.
Since you two haven't actually given it a shot yet don't blame your heart for being curious. When it comes to this everything is a mystery still....go with the flow and let him come to you, that way you will feel more confident about his feelings for you.
ReplyDeleteI took my ex back twice, and both times I got burned royally. Now she's engaged to the new guy, which is all fine and good by me. Was I happy when we were together? Absolutely. But in retrospect, I have grown so much as a person since then, and have matured to such a degree that I would never in a million years think of going back, despite how much I hate being single. I still have feelings for her, of course. I probably always will, but I made the decision that was best for ME in the long-term. And that's what you have to ask yourself. "Is this good for me? Not just for right now, but will this be good for me months, or even years down the road?" Because if there's one thing I'd hate, it's to see you get hurt again.
ReplyDeleteThanks, both of you...this is all really good advice. I'm trying to internalize everything.
ReplyDeleteohmygod, this is huge but I'm not sure what you should do! How'd you learn this?
ReplyDeletewell, I'm still friends with him...which, yeah, has been very complicated, to say the least. So he told me in person.
ReplyDeletedon't date him. end of story.
ReplyDelete-matt
hmmm ... well, i won't even pretend to know the complexities of your situation. i would only say, from experience, the first time hurts, the second time kills. be careful.
ReplyDeleteYou be careful, Ashley. It's funny how our voices sound so close when it comes to the ones we want. You know that I know that you know that I understand the feeling COMPLETELY, so I appreciate you being so honest and candid about it.
ReplyDeleteThere's no stopping what you really want to do, Ashley, just so long as you bear in mind that everything you said in parentheses is the truth and always already will be true. Noone can stop that feeling. Not even you. Just remember the outcome.
i am the wrong person to ask about this because i am harboring delusions that if i packed up and moved to pittsburgh, i'd win rob back.
ReplyDeletei think in your situation, maybe in time you could give it a shot, but don't let that be in the forefront of your mind. be the kind of friend to him that he was to you when you needed him. if something blossoms out of it, great. if not, you still have a great friend.
Come visit me. It's SXSW this week. We'll find you some cute boys visiting from the other side of the world. There are so many guys in the world. Take your pick. You don't need J!!
ReplyDelete