The Wear Your Heart On Your Sleeve Initiative

This post, once again, is inspired by Emily Jane, and recent events in my life.

About a month ago, I mentioned that I was dating Mr. Hot Chocolate. I am still dating said chocolate lover, but not without some ups and downs, mostly on my part. I think I must have tried to end it, oh...about 3 or 4 times; moreover, it was always over silly little things. I was trying to validate that running away is ok.

But my feelings never really wavered for Mr. HC. It was my mind playing tricks on me, my intense over-thinking nature. Because after the fourth time of "breaking it off," when it seemed like Mr. HC was not going to beg me to stay and had finally had enough, I realized that I missed him. And I wanted to be with him. It's funny the clarity that comes with a final goodbye.

And it hit me, I was DAMN tired of not trying for something just because it's too scary.

So I apologized to him, and expressed my feelings whole-heartedly (as inspired by Emily's post). And to my surprise, he said he was up for trying again.

Now, whether Mr. HC and I will go super far is not my concern. I'm still leaving for Turkey. However, dating Mr. HC is most definitely a lesson from God--that I need to live more, give second chances, ask for second chances and just participate in this whole human experience. This is my process...using less of my mind (which often traps me and keeps me in a safe little boring box) and using more of my heart (which is dying to really live!).

This, of course, is beyond dating. This all ties in with my Turkey plan. And so I've decided. I'm not waiting around for an answer, I'm going to demand an answer. In about a month and half, I'm going to fly to Turkey without an exact plan. I'm going to visit schools in person, and be a hustler! I'm going to follow more of my heart and see where that lands me.

And if it doesn't work, I'll come back to the U.S. with a knowing smile that I've tried and not just twiddled my thumbs dreaming for far away lands.

This, of course, is frightening to think about. But deep down I know that it is right. Choosing to live is always the right path.

2011, I think you are going to be very interesting!!!!

"The best way to predict the future is to create it." --Rev. Run

2011, And In With a Bang!

New Year's Eve was all about havin' a good, senseless, dressed-up to the nines, kind of time!

I don't wear heels that often (I'm not really a 'beauty is pain' kind of girl), but I welcomed that instant pump of sexiness on NYE.

My Zero and me. Why dance with a hero when you can dance with a Zero? (refer to Earth Girls Are Easy)

We all headed to a gay bar in the area for a good dose of dancing. I didn't expect to get hit on anyone there, but oh dear lord, I forgot about the bisexuals. The funniest part of the night was seeing a guy that was hitting on me earlier make out with a drag queen later in the night. Those boys are confused, ok? ha. We stayed until 12 to have a toast to the New Year, then realized we were dead tired and headed home to pass out. Being 25 means you start to become a grandma :)

My friend Bethany the "hood rat." haha.

The first day of 2011 entailed chillin.' Pure chillin.' We cruised the harbor in Bethany's convertible, had a delicious breakfast, walked along the shoreline, and perused the mall like true Americans.

Happy New Year everyone. 2011 is going to be the year of MORE. I'm convinced of it.

Favorite Thing Thursday: 2010 Favorites

2010, You definitely brought me some favorite moments, experiences and things. And here they are:

1. 500 Days of Summer

Have you ever watched a movie that spoke directly to your soul and caused you to reevaluate your life, and even prompted you to make some changes?? YEAH, ALL FROM A MOVIE.

Despite the fact that I'm a complete sucker for art in all its forms, I know a lot of people that feel the same way about this film. It is now in my Top 5 Favorite Films List, right behind High Fidelity (for all the same reasons). And yeah, I know it came out in 2009, but I watched it 2010.*here's my review for the movie.

2. Cruisin'

2010 brought my first adventure on the high seas with my friend (and travel buddy) Colleen! It was the best cheesy fun I could have had: learning the Thriller Dance on the Lido Deck, eating buffet style with married couples by our side, having a few too many drinks and braving karaoke (to the tune of "The Way You Make Me Feel").

Some of the best moments included an uncoordinated Ashley trying to balance on heels while the ship was swaying (ha, that was a challenge). Even though I spent about 2 weeks battling vertigo after the cruise, it was still worth it! *here's my full post on my cruise adventures.

3. Letting Go of Baggage (Slowly)

Yes, this is most definitely a favorite thing of mine, and one that I've done pretty well in 2010. If you've read this post, then you know where I'm coming from. 2010 has been the year that I really started to let go of a past heartache. I've come to the conclusion that my letting-go process is much slower than the rest of the world's. I cannot jump from man to man without damaging myself; rather, as an introvert (refer to # 8) I need time to think and unload all my thoughts and feelings. And when it's over something so big and profound as an emotionally-draining relationship, then for me, it seriously takes years. Well, this was the year that I've been able to "brush that dirt of my shoulder." (Thanks Jay Z).

4. The Return of Captain E.O.

My favorite 3-D show at Disneyland returned in 2010 in honor of Michael Jackson's death. In March, as a birthday present to myself, I took a trip to Disneyland pretty much solely for this 80s dance-extravaganza masterpiece. It. Was. Exhilarating.

Captain E.O. STILL dominates!!!!

:)

5. Learning to C.A.R.E.

This was the first year that I joined a ministry at my church I could really stand behind, the Cancer C.A.R.E. (Compassion, Awareness, Resources, Encouragement) Ministry. It is a simple, yet essential idea: we fix the cancer patients meals, take them to appointments, pray for them and lend an overall support during a devastating time. I have never felt so needed, or so helpful in my life. This is a ministry in where we are truly God's hands. People worry about SAVING THE WORLD and all the complexities that comes with such a bold statement. My response is, start small! I have a small part in healing the world's problems, and it feels good.

6. Sexy Pointing

Let it be known that in October 2010 Adam Levine pointed at me from the stage at the Maroon 5 concert. Yes, I will always remember the time I was sexily pointed at from Adam, and you can't take that away from me!!!!!

7. Miss Dior Cherie

I have been in love with this perfume ALL YEAR. When will the love affair stop?!?

8. Having An 'A-Ha' Moment

This has been a year of great self-discovery. One step closer to enlightenment, right? I learned this year that (one) I am an Introvert, (two) there's nothing wrong with that and (three) this explains SO MUCH ABOUT MYSELF. Thanks Emily Jane for posting on this :) Read my full Ah-Ha moment here.

9. My Best Friend's Wedding

My Homie got married this year!! I got to give it up for a beautiful relationship and the celebration of that love!

Going to see Jack get married in Nashville = one of the favorite things of my life!

10. This Blog (& All of You)

I heart you. Please stay around, my friends! And thanks for listening to worries about Turkey, love rants, rantings in general (I love that soap box), fears and the MANY MANY MANY thoughts (I'm an introvert, remember?) that I post on this here blog. What a fabulous experience having a blog is (and will continue to be).

Raise your glass to 2011! I'm ready for the ride...

My One New Year's Resolution:

Think Less, Do More.

Do I really have to add more to that?

Feliz Navidad

I'll be gone for a few days visiting family in Santa Barbara.

Until then, here's a video from the last taco tuesday I went to (with my mix of crazy/shy/audacious friends).

Merry Christmas!

Perfectly Acceptable Ashley

It's very acceptable:

• to chuckle when you realize even the credit card companies know you are a travel junkie, sending deals for frequent flier miles and travel cards. Look, MasterCard, Visa and Discover...you are tempting me too much. STOP FEEDING MY ADDICTION!! CAN'T YOU SEE I HAVE A PROBLEM?!?

• to cringe every time I hear a Ke$ha song. I even cringe writing out her stupidly-spelled name. How does she manage to make glitter look like dirt?

• to not let a guy love me until he really tries. This heart is not given out easily.

Favorite Thing Thursday: Making the World My Karaoke Stage

Let me preface this post with this one fact: I really can't sing worth a damn. Right, so now that we have that squared away, let me continue...

I BLOODY LOVE SINGING IN PUBLIC! (don't know why I feel like being British today...maybe it's because I'm secretly in love with Jax). I don't necessarily need to sing on a karaoke stage. My theory: why not make the world your stage? Here is a compiled list of places I have sang outloud, in public:

• in a Target with my good friend whom I call my Zero. We belted out "Me and Mrs. Jones" to a group of onlookers in the movie section. It was fantastic.

• in an art museum...hey, it was the art's fault. There was a Toulouse Lautrec exhibition, so of course an assortment of Moulin Rouge songs popped into my head. I think it made the art experience more authentic for the other museum-goers. No?

• In any bar where beer, a juke box and an unlimited selection of Michael Jackson tunes are involved.

• Walking around London with a group of friends...it was such a magical moment in where a street musician was playing "My Favorite Things" on his accordion and we all sort of joined in. Oh wait. I have a video of this one. mwahahaha! Lookie for yourself:

Oh, and the hot asian in the video, that's Jax. Understand my crush? haha.

I need to stop the lesbian jokes on here!!!!

I digress...

Bottom line: I love being in real-life musicals. That's what it comes down to. Despite not liking too much attention on myself, I'm perfectly fine with singing in front of random strangers. For some odd reason, it brings joy to my heart; thus, making it a favorite thing. No pun intended!!

Now if only we could get the whole 'breaking into synchronized dance while singing' down, my real-life musical dreams will be reached!

Second Chances

Alright, alright, alright.

I take part of that last post back...kind of.

The guy I mentioned, who will go by Mr. Hot Chocolate (haha...yes, he's african american), has changed his tune today. He's admitting that he indeed has feelings for me...and being incredibly persistent about it. Sooooo...I'm not gonna take his word for it, I'll let him show me.

If his actions show that he cares enough, then we'll see where this may go.

I'm learning that sometimes you just gotta give second chances (if it feels right in ya soul).

You know what I'm proud of myself for? Not compromising, standing up for what I believe in and being genuine.

That is the best I can do in my life and with my heart.

P.S. I probably shouldn't post about every little personal twist and turn, eh...but whatever. Might as well be open with my emotions. It feels good to let it out.

MUSIC ORGASM!

Just thought I'd put something a *little* more light-hearted on my blog.

I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS GROUP (from the show, Sing Off):

This is officially my new favorite show all about real acapella groups battling it out on stage.

LOVE.

Watch Your Thinking Change

I found at last week that my dad's cancer has come back, after about 3 years of being in remission.

Now, the first time that I found out about my dad having cancer, I was beyond distraught. Standing at the threshold of death is both terrifying and other-worldy.

This is because we have almost convinced ourselves that we are somehow invincible, that if we distract ourselves with enough work or technology or nonsense, surely death will get lost in the busyness of it all. But when it does find you, let me tell you, it is the biggest and most sobering slap in the face. As John Mayer has once sang, "You know it's nothing new/ bad news never had good timing/ but then the circle of your friends/ will defend the silver lining."

And there is always a silver lining. What's the word for that? Oh yes, hope. Shall I pull out another quote? Yes, I shall: "Hope guides me, that is what gets me through the day and especially the night. The hope that after you're gone from my sight, it will not be the last time that I look upon you." (Thanks, A Knight's Tale).

We knew that my dad's cancer would come back, it was just a matter of when. I should confess that my dad is one of the lucky ones, finding a treatment that works well for him--a treatment that is not invasive, and has little side effects. But there will come a day when the treatment will no longer work (who knows when that is?)...when his body becomes immune and the cancer cells can no longer be outsmarted.

This, of course, is hard to think about and internalize.

Hello death, we meet again.

But this time, I am not distraught. The last cancer scare was a huge life weight to lift, and I have got some major spiritual, mental and emotional muscles on me now--I am all the more strong. The best I can do is shape my mind so that it no longer obsesses about the presence of death; rather, I vow to hold onto the presence of life while it's still here.

"Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last." --Revelation 1:17

"Watch your thinking change."

Perfectly Acceptable Ashley

It's acceptable:

• to burst out laughing during a very serious moment in where a child upsettingly tells you and your coworker that another child stole his "cheese stick and rubbed it in their butt!" It's too hard to keep a straight face while hearing said sentence. And while the coworker and I discovered this was most likely a ploy by the kid to get another cheese stick, we still felt bad at laughing at his apparent misfortune.

• to blush about 12 shades of red when a guy tells you that you're a "very good kisser." (winky emoticon). I've still got it.

• to like "Baby, It's Cold Outside," even more once you fully realize just how dirty that little Christmas song is! You know, dirty in a sneaky way [insert evil laughter here]. I'm a good girl who happens to like very naughty humor!