4 Resons Why I'm Smiling This Fine Friday

1. I booked a trip to Texas to visit my buddy Andy in January. Look out San Antonio, I'm coming for ya! I haven't left San Diego in 6 or 7 months, so this is much needed.

2. My roommate's friend (who got married fairly young) visited us a few weeks ago, and had this to say about Lainey and me: "I admire those girls for supporting themselves completely. They don't feel the need to jump into marriage, or ask a man to support them. They do it all on their own! They don't even need marriage." THAT'S RIGHT, GIRL. Now, that's not to say that I'll never get married...who knows? What I do know is, I am able to support myself, on my own, until the day I die. There is something very powerful in knowing that I'm a badass who is able to take care of herself.

3. I'm starting a Master's program at the school I work for...on Monday! Whew! This will keep me majorly occupied, which I am happy about, because I get so DAMN BORED! Guess I won't be so bored anymore...

4. I finally started Turkish classes last night! For awhile I was the only person signed up, but now I have a friend...we have all of two people in our class. As I suspected, the first class was quite hard, as they used the immersion technique. Anyone who has heard Turkish probably knows that pronunciation is the most difficult part of the language. So hopefully I get better each week!

Well, have a good weekend all...for the reasons stated above, things are going well (and busy) for me. Yee haw! (you know, for Texas)

The Downside and Upside to Being Pure of Heart

I've always failed at bluffing.

Any card game that requires a well-told lie I can never play well. My opponent sees right through my supposed rigid upper lip. A smile always breaks and I am found out.

Times that I've tried to lie, I've always ended up telling the truth. This is the result of a strong conscience, a good dose of Catholic guilt, and an uneasiness I get in my stomach when I'm doing the wrong thing.

My heart is pure.

The downside to this is that I welcome a lot of people into my heart, to take up a room and make a home there. This sometimes invites the sleaziest of people, who have no other intentions but servicing their own wants. I am left crushed and wondering what went wrong, why I ever trusted them, and how I didn't see their true character before.

The upside is that, ultimately, I attract others who are pure of heart. We find each other through the mess of vultures, thieves and crooks that hungrily surround. I have a good list of pure-of-hearters that have been my friends for years now. They've stuck it out through the ugly and the heart-breaking.

And how do you find a pure-of-hearter?

Easy. By how they treat others. More importantly, how they treat others when things are not going their way. I've seen plenty of seemingly good people turn vicious and bloodsucking when the "world is coming down" on them. They blame everyone else for their troubles, which frequently, they have caused themselves.

It's almost a curse, this honest heart of mine. But then again I wouldn't, couldn't live another way.

"How did they find me here

What do they want from me
All of these vultures hiding
Right outside my door
I hear them whispering
They're trying to ride it out
Cause they've never gone this long
Without a kill before...

Down to the wire
I wanted water but
I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me, testing me..."

Raiding My Mom's Closet

The little snoop that I am, I was going through my mom's dresser drawers and closet about a week ago when I stumbled across some of her old threads!

Whether you like to call 'em old, retro, or vintage, I love finding garments from decades past. It really goes without saying that most clothes from the past were made better than the sweat-shopped clothes we find today (that tend to fall apart in a couple years time, it seems).

Also, my mama had style! (Refer to picture below).

She was quite glamourous, no?(Also, that's my dad, see the resemblance?)

I was happy to find out that I could fit in my mom's old clothes, so I begged her to have them. Two new editions to my closet!

It's funny because these sweaters have come back in full force!

A wavy ring that belonged to my American grandmother.

A necklace (with a picture of my sister and I--we are 20 years apart) from my Turkish grandmother.

A shirt with cute detail that I often wear to work. My boss asked if I had made it cause the stitching was so good. Nah, clothes were just better back in the day!

The awesome part: I didn't have to pay a cent for any of these great new items! Score!

Still Believing the Best in People (Despite the Not-So-Great Days)

Oh man. It's a bad day when you realize who's a true friend and who's not.

I get it. That's life. Not everyone is genuine. Not everyone cares.

There are days when I still feel too naive for my age. I always believe the very best in people. So stupid, Ash...

...Cause here I am, feeling dumb. Too often I trust in people who speak beautiful things, but who can never back that up with beautiful actions. Is my judge of character off, or something? But I will go ahead and say that I'm not dumb. I never had ill-intentions, and I never told half-truths. My sincerity is in tact. I am still that genuine being I strive to be.

I just want to say, without complication, that this hurts. In the end, I've still lost a friend that I thought would be a friend for a lifetime.

And so, it's time to just let go...

And What Have We Gained (Besides This New iPhone)?

This quote embodies all of the thoughts I've had as I watch a spinning globe, tilting out of control, trying to keep up with an increasingly faster-paced way of life:

"You call your thousand material devices 'labor-saving machinery,' yet you are forever 'busy.' With the multiplying of your machinery you grow increasingly fatigued, anxious, nervous, dissatisfied. Whatever you have, you want more; and wherever you are you want to go somewhere else...

You have a machine to dig the raw material for you...a machine to manufacture...a machine to transport...a machine to sweep and dust, one to carry messages, one to write, one to talk, one to sing, one to play, one to vote, one to sew...and a hundred others to do a hundred other things for you, and still you are the most nervously busy man in the world...your devices are neither time-saving or soul-saving machinery."

This quote was written over 40 years ago, and is even truer today. Machines have invaded our lives. We're taught that we need them to survive, as you've heard some half-jokingly say, "I can't live without my phone!"

The list of 'machines' is nearly endless: iPhones (for which I'm guilty), televisions, computers, mini-computers, online classes (this disturbs me greatly), and so on and so on.

We've essentially gained the whole world, right? Electronically we are impressive. But what is the cost? It's no enigma that crumbling community has been on the rise with all the added technology. When a computer becomes the go-to confidant over a human, there is a tragedy unfolding before us.

What I am getting at, and what the above quote is getting at, is not the abundance of machines; but rather, the loss of our souls because of it.

***

Often times, I know my rants are harsh and edging on absolute. I've become grumpier in my old age. Even when I pull a time travel on my blog and visit posts past, there is a bright-eyed, more optimistic Ashley to be found. While I like to still think I have some optimism, I've lost a lot of my 'there's beauty to be found in everything' attitude...

I'd like to go back to that place, I think.

Perfectly Acceptable Ashley

It's sooooo acceptable:

• To snicker when I notice girls struggling to walk in ridiculous heels. Listen, chick-a-dee, that ain't natural. It's no wonder you can barely walk.

• to take whip cream shots. You know, right out of the canister. Suddenly I feel like a third-grader.

• to love facial hair on men. Am I the only one? It's just...so...manly. Men...start a revolution! Grow out that awesome facial hair! *wink*

• to adore this:

Favorite Thing Thursday:

What started out as writing about my favorite things has become a gratitude list of sorts. It's all a good reminder for me that life is brilliant, and you've got to get your head out of the sand to notice the brilliance of it all.

Here are a few of my favorite things...

1. Learning new languages

So excited! My Turkish class starts tonight! And really, I think learning new languages should be implemented early on in American schools (think elementary school). We are far behind other countries in this realm. I often meet people from other countries that speak 3 different languages. And I speak...um...one. Yeahhhhhhh. Let's fix that!

2. Halloween!

I went for a sort of china doll costume.

My dress was found in a thrift store, and is originally from the 60s. Lainey is dressed as a sweet lil' gypsy.

Our friend Henry met up with us. Notice the soap on the rope he's carrying around? I took the liberty of stealing that soap and throwing it on the ground all throughout the night. I'm amused by simple things.

3. Finding Robots in Everyday Life

Another robot soldier I can recruit to help me take over the world and implement my evil plan...I mean, what?

Going and Going Strong

Ahhhhhh.

Hear that? That's the sound of Ashley breathing easy.

I want to say that the past two months have been particularly challenging for me. Being sad is a perpetual feeling. It grows upon itself, like a fast-moving disease, attacking all the functions of the body, until you've even forgotten how to smile.

However...

I've made a turn-around. I've found myself dreaming big again. You know, the kind of dreaming big you do when you're five, when you think anything is possible, including floating off to the moon in a hot air balloon.

I've been smiling a lot more. And telling jokes in that nerdy Ashley way. And eating ice cream.

I think this transformation happened when I realized, really realized, that I'm not actually trapped. It's about realizing that there are options and ways out, no matter what the circumstance is. It even helps to write down those options, so they are staring back you and calling out your name, "Ashley! Ashley! Pick me! Take this path!"

To which you can reply, "I just might!"

Not that I spend my nights talking to paper. *ahem*

I get that this is a process that takes time, but some weights have been lifted. I'm feeling good.

***

I'll end with a knowing smile and the infallible words of Dr. Suess, who I am convinced wrote Oh The Places You'll Go! more for adults than for children:

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done...

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Hot Dog! It's Halloweenie!!

(You'll excuse the bad title with the picture below)

Little Turkish Girl's Emancipation Proclamation

Whenever I write these kind of posts, they are really for myself. This is in an attempt to free myself from my own negative, oppressing thoughts. I've never experienced this kind of sadness in my life; and so onward, I'm trying to move on to a breakthrough. (I've always loved the word onward).

Here are 10 things I am trying to do (and maybe you can do them too), to eliminate that lingering sadness that just doesn't like to leave:

1. Sign up for a class: CHECK. One of the best things I have done recently has been signing up for a Turkish class. I've always wanted to learn Turkish; furthermore, I really want to start utilizing those dormant brain cells.


2. Dress up everyday: When you are in a funk, gray, black and toupe tend to be your wardrobe palate of choice. BREAK FREE! Dress in crazy patterns and bright colors! Wear that unique necklace that is a conversation starter. You were made to stand out, not fade into the background of a dentist's office.


3. Reclaim Your Charm: When I am at my happiest, I can be a charmer. I tell stories, I smile, I wink. However, when I'm feeling down, I tend to stay quiet and seem more stand-offish. Be aware of your mood. Even if you don't want to talk, force yourself to open up a little. A good conversation can turn your day around. Soon, the color to your cheeks, and your charm, will turn up again.


4. Dance and Joke: There is instant happiness to be found in bootayyyy shaking. A random dance sesh in my apartment tends to brighten my mood for the rest of the day. Also, don't take things too seriously! Joke around...and make stupid faces often.


5. Vent to Friends: If you are like me, you tend to keep your emotions and feelings hidden. Sometimes, you just gotta spill them out. When I open up to my therapists friends, I not only feel refreshed and inspired, I also feel more connected to them, as we are relating to the plight of the human condition.


6. Venture Outside: This may seem obvious, but we all know that sadness tends to be a seemingly stellar lock on your front door. Break that lock and force yourself to spend sometime in the sunshine (heck, even the rain). A brisk walk outside can not only revitalize you, but also inspire you in ways staying in your room never could.


7. Make Some Damn Changes: Doing the same thing over and over will produce the same outcome (i.e. getting back together with your ex, again, and expecting a change). To put it, uh, nicely...DON'T BE DUMB. If you want things to change, then you must change things! In my case, I need to change my job. I'm on this everyday! At least I'm doing something about it. If you're feeling trapped, create your own way out.


8. Keep Your Head to the Sky: For you spiritual folks out there, remember not to leave your prayer life/spirituality in the dust while in a sad mood. When feeling depressed, it's easy to succumb to wasting time on the couch. The couch+depression=best friends. Go to a cafe or the beach, grab a good book on God (whether it be THE holy book, or an inspiring spiritual read), and pray pray pray, reflect, read and soak in that other-worldly wisdom. This makes the biggest difference in my day!


9. To Everything There is a Season: Sadness may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Hold onto the hope that you will not be sad forever. Because, unless you keep yourself captive at rock-bottom, sadness will not last forever! Make every attempt to rock climb away from that bottom...you'll get there. I'm getting there.


10. Keep a Schedule: Keep yourself busy. Pursue your passions. Say yes to hanging out with friends and stay away from that damn couch!

Again, this post is more for me than for you. But more power to us all! I know most of you can relate, because as I mentioned, this is the human condition.

"The dawn will come. Disappointment, sorrow, and despair are born at midnight, but morning follows." --MLK Jr.

Finding the Turkey in Me

I've been doing a lot of Turkish things of late:

1. Hookah:

Bahaha! This picture cracks me up. I SWEAR we were just smoking hookah, not opium.

Just call me Smokey (notice the Turkish eye).

2. Going to Turkish festivals:

"I claim this land in the name of Turkey!"

Turkish dancing...yeahhhh!

Oh! And my Turkish class starts November 3rd!

Soon my transformation into full Turkish mode will be complete...and THEN I CAN TAKE OVER THE WORLD...mwahahaHAHA!

I kid, I kid.