She knew where to look.

A poem to God from Mirabai, an Indian princess from the 1500s:

Do not leave me alone, a helpless woman. My strength, my crown, I am empty of virtues, You, the ocean of them. My heart's music, you help me In my world-crossing. You protected the king of the elephants. You dissolve the fear of the terrified. Where can I go? Save my honour For I have dedicated myself to you And now there is no one else for me. And one more line that spoke to me. Straight to the heart, with a bullet. "Deign to sever, O Master.

All the knots in her heart."

I have a lot of knots that need untangling, er...or severing. Yeah, that's the more awesome option.

Erwin, you really are an inspiration.

Ahhhh...cannot. contain. my excitement. must share.

*catches breath*

Sorry. I just watched this excellent excellent excellent sermon on doing what you're created for, from Erwin McManus. If you have any time at all today, I encourage you to watch it.

Here is the link, scroll down the page to the video player, and watch the first video on the right side, titled "Maximize Your Strength."

I love this pastor because he is so very poetry-driven. There is an elegance to what he says and it totally inspires the writers' soul. From one writer to the next, enjoy :)

Puppets and Playthings

I opened myself up

careful not to tear all the masking tape

and rapidly-sewn stitches

I clumsily used to put myself together

last time I fell apart

Guess we all live in a factory

churning out dolls upon dolls of each gender

perfect smirks painted on

complimenting airbrushed rosy cheeks

But my blush was genuine

Guess you didn’t know

and decided to trade me

for another doll on the conveyor belt

You’ve grown to know the fabricated anyway

Fluff lies where your spine used to be

a beating heart, replaced with filler

button up your back, so no one can tell

It’s hard to be the real thing

living on a shelf, pretending to fit in

with all the other puppets and playthings

when all I want is an authentic life, and an authentic love.

Nearer

Take my hand, and please take my heart.

Fly me past the moon, until we reach the edge of the galaxy,

to a place that is elevated higher than any heaven this world could conceive.

I long to exist in this place.

Where the stars bow down in comparison to your perfection,

where I can be nearer, my God, to Thee.

So bring me nearer, please.

They Had the Same Problem, Then

REDEEM THAT GENDER

Living with that guy, how could you have not gone nuts.

I bet he even lied, the

coward.

I know why God comes to this earth as man,

in hopes of redeeming

that gender.

God knows he owes us women--

big time,

for the way those brutes

usually

act.

--Written by Mirabai, an Indian princess, in the 1500s.

Have guys always been such a problem? haha. Sorry boys, but it's so true.

And can I just say? This lady was a big women's rights activist for her time!!!

Turning World

Sitting here, rummaging through my thoughts
on a crispy afternoon.
Wait, did I say crispy?
I meant crisp, the kind that comes after rain.

And it was raining yesterday,
bullets pounding into the earth.
Destroying the old, revealing the new.
Rebirth and even more rebirth.

A process I know quite well.

So much to teach, so much to learn.
We always find this out,
and the world continues to turn.
and the past continues to burn.

And still I stand firm.
In who I am.
In who You've made me to be.
On the trail that's right for me.
And in You, I am free.

Why not add one more post?

I'm on a roll today with posting, I guess. haha. So here's one more poem. There's not a title yet, and maybe it needs to be edited. Eh, but here you go:

I refuse, I most ardently refuse
to bow down to this world
a planet full of ventriloquits
that urges me to be the puppet

Still I refuse, I adamantly refuse
to succumb to your constant messages
messaging me, constantly
washing my brain, stripping it of any color
individualism
intelligence
it is proud to carry

Yes, I refuse, I must completely refuse
to be a junkie of your lies
that if maybe I was the perfect size
had those suede designer boots
kept up with dying my roots
just maybe he'd find me cute

I refuse, I really have to refuse
to be abused
when there's so much more to this woman
who only bows down to the real king
who cares not about her looks, her job, her car, her clothes
but cares only
about the depth of her soul

I refuse, with everything inside of me, I refuse
to believe in anything other than the truth.

Morning Coffee

Clang clack cling
goes my spoon on the mug
as I form maps with my creamer
of my plans for my life

Dreams dreams dreams
of bigger things than
this room
this desk
this coffee

Am I walking about
in a desolate land?
Or do I have to uncover
those sparkling hidden rubies?

I'll find my jewels soon enough
my strength tells me so
until then I wait patiently
and take another sip

Tickled

In these lazy days
I'm feeling tickled as I graze
this new world and I'm amazed
at all the beauty in it

The daffodils sing to me
in the most delicious key
as the wind declares me free
the wonders are infinite

I let out a happy sigh
past the days when I used to cry
now I'm feeling 33 times high
but drugs have nothing to do with it

There's a feeling that I get
kind of like a violet sunset
have you felt it yet?
My soul is stronger than granite.

I see the most beautiful hue
purple gold maroon and blue
and my heart has been renewed.
One sweet day, one fine day, I hope you'll understand it.

***

I'll let you make your own conclusions as to what this about. Maybe one day I'll be an expert poet like Ant, and use meter and all that jazz!

Shutting the Door

This is the last post I'll write about J for awhile.

We had a talk today. A talk that was most likely necessary, but a talk that was so very hard to take. He told me couldn't be my friend for awhile. He said, "you don't want to be around me right now."

I agreed with him in the end, because I know, deep down, that we just need time apart. And I know, deep down, that our friendship will thrive again one day if it is strong enough. And if not...well that's the test, isn't it?

In the end, I think I always loved him more than he ever could love me. And yes, I know that I deserve more. Don't worry, I know I'm a good catch--you don't have to tell me twice.

But this ordeal has always been about more than whether he'll date me or not. This is about the loss of a friend, one that I used to see everyday, laugh with everyday, smile with everyday.

Eventually those smiles turned to frowns and furrowed eyebrows as our relationship became complicated. I've been holding onto what was for too long.

It's time to look at what can be for me in the future. With graduation just around the corner, what better time to look foward and move on?

***


I take a sharp turn
at that detour sign
I can't go back now
I'm leaving you behind

I'm driving now
to a brighter place
with golden fields
to forget your face

And once I get there
I'll finally begin
shedding the thought of you
stripping my old skin

One more look in the rear view
reveals a man that I once knew
one I can't love anymore
leave the key, I'll shut the door

Return Back

There's a part of me that longs to be free
Away with the wind, far away from him.
Sometimes I try to hold back the tears
all the foolish fears
that life will never get better,
that the flood will only get wetter.

And sometimes I think,
I've forgotten how to wink.
How to laugh, how to smile.

Too many feelings come
then you start becoming numb
wishing that you'll never feel again.

But in the end
I know
that hope always grows,
and you can't keep a heart depressed,
mine's too strong to suppress.

It beats in hopes to be glad
to pump out all the sad
to see the living green,
purple, turquoise and inbetween.

To get out of a colorless world,
to become, once again, a whole girl.
And soon you'll see
that I'll return back,
back to the old me.

Farewell To A Crooked Dagger

He doesn't own me anymore.
I left the pool of blood by the door
of the murder scene,
burgundy screams.

Sharp tears drenching my skin
I'll never go back again.

He'll keep his crooked dagger in his pocket.
Her face remains in his golden locket.
He never cared for mine,
I left his mess of lies behind.

And although it still pains me to the core.
I'm starting to see...
He doesn't own me anymore.

Losing the Light

You held my hand
and took away my heart
by letting go of them.

I'm in an indigo mood.

Stars getting dim,
I ache for them to sparkle again.

Night sky reaching out to me...
I'm searching for the moon.
I dearly hope I find it soon.

Left in the dark,
can I create a spark?
Wanting to forget
you're the fire
I wish to start.

A Little Broken

Sometimes the pain I still feel
gets to me

Somedays I hide it better
than other days

Sometimes the sorrow consumes me
a little too easily

But I have hope that I can move on
from these shackles suffocating my heart

And one day, I'll be flying
in the presence of the stars
the radiance of their light
will be so contagious
I'll be shining, brighter than the sun, no doubt

I just need to shake this sadness
I think I need to take it day by day

Maybe I should really just let him completely out of my life
More and more that seems like the only option

And it just makes me cry.

It's like poetry.

Like a warm drink it seeps into my soul...

WHAT a great line. seriously now.

Starry Night

Tonight is a beautiful night
and the stars are telling me secrets
I was too young to hear before
A whisper slides by my ear
and it is a comfort
to know that I am loved

I see the sun in the distance
it gives me sustenance
I hold the spark of life in my hand
it creates a new excitement in my heart

I know that I am alive and well

the unliteral highway

The night is consuming me
and the road is so dark and dense now
All that I have are hopes that my highbeams will function well
and that I'll make it to the other side safely
and in victory
to relish in the stars and sleep in the dust of the moon
and know I have met my destiny

up at the crack of stefie (not dawn)

Today I woke up to the full moon of stefie's ass...um, thanks for that stefie. She has no shame...you might as well do a little dance for me while your naked. Geez, I can't believe I live in a sorority house sometimes.
Right now I should be studying for econ. But econ was created by Lucifer, I've decided, so I'm boycotting. I'll do my italian homework instead. Saying, "mi chiamo ashley. come stai?" sounds so much more beautiful than, "when the supply falls, the price rises." I'd rather make music with language than just throw it up, you know?
That brings me to the subject of poetry, which occasionally I do like to write, but hardly ever show. Basically, what if people think it sucks? But, whatever, here's a taste of what I wrote for a creative writing class before:

This fire that burns
can be seen in my eye
If you look upon the dark depths
of the pupil
that looks out on the world
You will see it--
the sparkling flame

The warmth inspires my skin to glow
I feel a new sensation
I feel a new beginning
I feel as though I could swallow
the world whole

This fire that grows inside
is taking over my body
and burning
down
the cold stone walls I used to hide behind
They melt
into a puddle of insecurities
that I now choose to walk over
and never wet my feet in again

This fire that is blazing
will cause a wild storm of flames
that will consume
you
in its path
That will cast my shadows upon the walls
I know that I am finally seen

I created
The tiny spark
That grew the flame
That started the fire
That you can see
in my eye
Just take a look

So there you go. Some girl in my class thought that the "fire" was love...uh, no girl, I have not been in love. Most of the class got it though (not like it's hard to get) and realized that it was about confidence. So, there's a bit of poetry for you people...thanks for listening! Ok, I'll put away my bongo and sunglasses now (once you stop snapping, that is)