Okay, I've been refelcting on this same topic basically all week, but once I've got something in my mind I can't really stray away from it. Especially because Jackie gave me that personality quiz. Who wouldn't do some major self-reflecting after taking that?
The quiz said that I was ultimately an extrovert/intuitive/a feeler/a perceiver (ENFP).
One thing about the quiz that really got me was this statement: "Because they see endless possibilities, to select one possibility appears to the ENFP to be too narrow a focus. They hate to be boxed into a career for life and therefore hesitate and resist making decisions."
Dude....that is totally right on. I didn't pick my major until the last minute, and now that I have, I'm still questioning it.
Fuck, and here I thought I was just one crazy mofo. Somehow this quiz implies that this undecided nature of mine is normal.
Going back to that quote...of course I don't want to be boxed in and trapped into one career or one lifestyle. I want to live in London. I want to travel to Turkey to see my family every year. I want to own an apartment in New York. I want to see Italy more than once. But, I still love San Diego, and I wouldn't mind staying here as well. To say I'm undecisive would be an understatement.
I feel a little better exploring this topic. This is how I do things--I analyze the crap out of ideas until you can't analyze those suckers anymore...then I find a way to analyze deeper. That is my thought process. It kills me sometimes.
For now, I will remain an undecided girl who wants to live an interesting life. Because, who wants life to pass them by and regret the things they didn't do. Even if I had no money in the end, I want to see everything I can possibly see in my lifetime. I'll spend my last penny trying to do it too.
6.08.2005
Taking a Breather
I just watched Bridget Jones' Diary. One of my FAVORITE movies of ALL time! I've seen that movie too damn much, but it's like a medicine--morphine if you will. Plus I just can't get enough of Colin Firth. The age difference really doesn't matter. If Colin asked me to marry him tomorrow, I'm afraid I woudn't even hesitate *sigh*...George Clooney can be added onto that list as well.
Anyway, I know that I worry too much. If you had a look at my last 2 posts today, that's pretty evident. Being 20 is confusing, that's all. I thank my parents for putting up with my behavior at times, really now. And although everything seems so scary right now I can't stand it, I also have to relish in my fear. It makes things exciting. So i'm scared and excited at the same time. Sounds normal, yes? I hope so (wink, wink).
And although you say you're old enough to be my mother, Tanya, in my family you're probably only old enough to be my sister (my sister is 40, maybe you're even younger). I just wanted to bring up that funny side note. However, thankyou very much for your advice.
Anyway, I know that I worry too much. If you had a look at my last 2 posts today, that's pretty evident. Being 20 is confusing, that's all. I thank my parents for putting up with my behavior at times, really now. And although everything seems so scary right now I can't stand it, I also have to relish in my fear. It makes things exciting. So i'm scared and excited at the same time. Sounds normal, yes? I hope so (wink, wink).
And although you say you're old enough to be my mother, Tanya, in my family you're probably only old enough to be my sister (my sister is 40, maybe you're even younger). I just wanted to bring up that funny side note. However, thankyou very much for your advice.
Under pressure
Sometimes I want to pull out my hair, seriously, just pull it all out. It would be easier to be bald, anyway. Less hair care.
I feel (almost constantly) that there is this ENORMOUS pressure put on us to succeed. And if you fail, they might as well just ship you off to Cuba or something to hang with Fidel. You might as well just be an outcast or something.
There is a great pressure that has been placed on my shoulders--from my parents, from society, from the world--telling me that I better make the right decisions here and now. I'm 20, people! I know I bring up my age a lot. But I find it funny and ironic that many view 20 as an adult age (in terms of consequences), but when it comes sense about life, no one would take a 20-year-old's rantings seriously.
And, I don't really expect people to take me seriously. I'm young and foolish, what can I say? Even my keen logic doesn't save me from experimenting from time to time. I blame it on my age.
What is success, anyway? Wealth, family, love, pride? What I define as success may not be another person's success. The bland definition of success in the dictionary goes as follows: To accomplish something desired or intended. Then, those dictionary bastards had to add this quote in there: “Success is counted sweetest/By those who ne'er succeed” (Emily Dickinson). Yep. I can relate with that freakin' quote. The grass is greener, right?
I just feel the pressure to succeed where my sister has failed (that's a harsh thing to say, I know, but I feel like it's expected from my parents). Kind of like, one kid failed, so if the other does, we're failures as parents. Which is so not the case, but I can't help feeling that way.
That's the real pressure I feel--the pressure to not fail. There hasn't been a moment in my life where I've really messed up. There have been small hiccups here and there, but overall I've been the good kid. Maybe that's why my parents are so hopeful.
Maybe I don't want all the hope placed on my shoulders. Maybe I just want peace of mind. In another way, however, the pressure drives me to keep on going. Maybe the pressure is a blessing in disguise. I imagine I will get gray hair from thinking about it too much.
I feel (almost constantly) that there is this ENORMOUS pressure put on us to succeed. And if you fail, they might as well just ship you off to Cuba or something to hang with Fidel. You might as well just be an outcast or something.
There is a great pressure that has been placed on my shoulders--from my parents, from society, from the world--telling me that I better make the right decisions here and now. I'm 20, people! I know I bring up my age a lot. But I find it funny and ironic that many view 20 as an adult age (in terms of consequences), but when it comes sense about life, no one would take a 20-year-old's rantings seriously.
And, I don't really expect people to take me seriously. I'm young and foolish, what can I say? Even my keen logic doesn't save me from experimenting from time to time. I blame it on my age.
What is success, anyway? Wealth, family, love, pride? What I define as success may not be another person's success. The bland definition of success in the dictionary goes as follows: To accomplish something desired or intended. Then, those dictionary bastards had to add this quote in there: “Success is counted sweetest/By those who ne'er succeed” (Emily Dickinson). Yep. I can relate with that freakin' quote. The grass is greener, right?
I just feel the pressure to succeed where my sister has failed (that's a harsh thing to say, I know, but I feel like it's expected from my parents). Kind of like, one kid failed, so if the other does, we're failures as parents. Which is so not the case, but I can't help feeling that way.
That's the real pressure I feel--the pressure to not fail. There hasn't been a moment in my life where I've really messed up. There have been small hiccups here and there, but overall I've been the good kid. Maybe that's why my parents are so hopeful.
Maybe I don't want all the hope placed on my shoulders. Maybe I just want peace of mind. In another way, however, the pressure drives me to keep on going. Maybe the pressure is a blessing in disguise. I imagine I will get gray hair from thinking about it too much.
The Competitive Edge
Today in my journalism class we are going to have a pretend press conference and the students will be the reporters. Gotta Represent!
I like this class and I like this teacher, but I have to ask myself: Will I like this profession? I'm not sure. It seems bloodthirsty, dirty and competitive. At times, those aspects are appealing and intriguing to me. Who doesn't want to get dirty every now and again? Who doesn't enjoy the occasional roll in the mud?
But I won't ever deny my genuine/undecieving nature. For instance, I've never stolen anything. I just can't--it's against my inner moral code. I won't even steal candy, you know? The guilt isn't worth it for me.
Not that you have to be dirty liar to be a journalist. You just gotta know how to play the game. And journalism can be a bad ass profession--when you have the power to reveal the truth and be the watchdog of the government, you're one cool mother! Word.
I know I would love interviews, though. Whenever I meet new people, I ask then a trillion questions, it's like a line of fire. It's in my blood to be an interviewer. It comes in handy when I wanna reveal secrets, haha.
Lastly, Does anyone know what they want to freakin' do at 20? I'm young...I want to relish in my laziness and explore the world before I make up my mind on my profession. It's just that everything is sooooo overpopulated now that you gotta start early. It truly is survival of the fitest. Damn you Darwin! Can't we all just get along? Apparently not.
I like this class and I like this teacher, but I have to ask myself: Will I like this profession? I'm not sure. It seems bloodthirsty, dirty and competitive. At times, those aspects are appealing and intriguing to me. Who doesn't want to get dirty every now and again? Who doesn't enjoy the occasional roll in the mud?
But I won't ever deny my genuine/undecieving nature. For instance, I've never stolen anything. I just can't--it's against my inner moral code. I won't even steal candy, you know? The guilt isn't worth it for me.
Not that you have to be dirty liar to be a journalist. You just gotta know how to play the game. And journalism can be a bad ass profession--when you have the power to reveal the truth and be the watchdog of the government, you're one cool mother! Word.
I know I would love interviews, though. Whenever I meet new people, I ask then a trillion questions, it's like a line of fire. It's in my blood to be an interviewer. It comes in handy when I wanna reveal secrets, haha.
Lastly, Does anyone know what they want to freakin' do at 20? I'm young...I want to relish in my laziness and explore the world before I make up my mind on my profession. It's just that everything is sooooo overpopulated now that you gotta start early. It truly is survival of the fitest. Damn you Darwin! Can't we all just get along? Apparently not.
6.06.2005
A New Look
Like the new layout? Thought I would spruce up the place just a bit. I get bored when there's no change. Plus, come on...I LOVE PURPLE!!!!!
Purple is sleek, gorgeous and debonair. It is the rare color the sky turns when the sun splashes into the horizon at the just the right angle. It is the most luscious flower in the middle of the misty jungle. It is the color used to drape the shoulders of royalty and dynasties for centuries. It is as mysterious as the planets, far off in the galaxy. It is the best color EVER, well, my favorite anyway.
If I were to choose a color to paint the portrait of my heart and what it feels, it would be in purple. So, enjoy my purple page. It brings the deepest hue of joy to my cheeks.
Purple is sleek, gorgeous and debonair. It is the rare color the sky turns when the sun splashes into the horizon at the just the right angle. It is the most luscious flower in the middle of the misty jungle. It is the color used to drape the shoulders of royalty and dynasties for centuries. It is as mysterious as the planets, far off in the galaxy. It is the best color EVER, well, my favorite anyway.
If I were to choose a color to paint the portrait of my heart and what it feels, it would be in purple. So, enjoy my purple page. It brings the deepest hue of joy to my cheeks.
A Chinese Proverb:
Dude! I totally just spilled coffee on myself. Ok, that wasn't the proverb, sorry! But I did. That really sucks. If it had been hot coffee from McDonald's, at least I could have sued. But who am I gonna sue now? Oh, yeah, back to the proverb:
If I keep a green bough in my heart, a Singing bird will come
This little ol' proverb here has been hanging (framed) in my room since FOREVER. It has a little picture of the green bough and bird and everything. The bird even has music notes coming out of it's mouth (get it? singing bird?! I crack myself up). It was put up way back in the day (back in 1985, fools) when I first came home from the hospital. I'm sure my parents bought it to fill up space.
The point of this speil is yesterday I FINALLY, for freakin' once in my life, looked at the damn thing and internalized the saying. Took me long enough.
I guess you can interpret the meaning many different ways. My way goes something to the effect of "if you believe you can do it, opportunity will come knockin'." Yeah, I don't know how to make that sound less cheesy. The point is, I can relate with this proverb in my life right about now. I'm approaching a crossroads, and it's the scariest thing I've EVER seen. It's my future up ahead, am I'm still wondering if I'm gonna make it in the "real world," if we wanna call it that. I'm not yet worried about marriage, nope, or families or any of that. The thing that is scaring the HELL out of me is the idea of a career. What the fuck am I going to do? Where am I going to live?
The frightening part is that I've never had things so undecided before me...the path is usually clear. But this one is covered with moss and haze and branches and spiders...any road block you could imagine.
This is where the proverb comes in. It's my job to believe I can get through it. When you believe, the path makes a way for you, or rather, you make a way through it. You don't take no for an answer.
Alright, alright. I'll end this proverb nonsense. But it's funny how something that's been hanging in my room since the day I was born didn't strike me till right about now. Maybe when I need to hear it the most.
If I keep a green bough in my heart, a Singing bird will come
This little ol' proverb here has been hanging (framed) in my room since FOREVER. It has a little picture of the green bough and bird and everything. The bird even has music notes coming out of it's mouth (get it? singing bird?! I crack myself up). It was put up way back in the day (back in 1985, fools) when I first came home from the hospital. I'm sure my parents bought it to fill up space.
The point of this speil is yesterday I FINALLY, for freakin' once in my life, looked at the damn thing and internalized the saying. Took me long enough.
I guess you can interpret the meaning many different ways. My way goes something to the effect of "if you believe you can do it, opportunity will come knockin'." Yeah, I don't know how to make that sound less cheesy. The point is, I can relate with this proverb in my life right about now. I'm approaching a crossroads, and it's the scariest thing I've EVER seen. It's my future up ahead, am I'm still wondering if I'm gonna make it in the "real world," if we wanna call it that. I'm not yet worried about marriage, nope, or families or any of that. The thing that is scaring the HELL out of me is the idea of a career. What the fuck am I going to do? Where am I going to live?
The frightening part is that I've never had things so undecided before me...the path is usually clear. But this one is covered with moss and haze and branches and spiders...any road block you could imagine.
This is where the proverb comes in. It's my job to believe I can get through it. When you believe, the path makes a way for you, or rather, you make a way through it. You don't take no for an answer.
Alright, alright. I'll end this proverb nonsense. But it's funny how something that's been hanging in my room since the day I was born didn't strike me till right about now. Maybe when I need to hear it the most.
6.05.2005
Oh, the Joys of Frisbee Golf
Man, I had an amazing day o' fun today. First thing I did? Well, went to church, but after that, you might ask?
PLAYED FRISBEE GOLF!!!!!!! Hells Yeah! It was all Jaclyn's idea! Where does she get this stuff from? Apparently there is a frisbee golf course in Balboa Park. I don't make this shit up...it actually exists.
I really suck at Frisbee Golf. Like, terribly suck. But it was fun, none the less. What was even more fun was watching the freaks around us be really into the game. They needed to ease up a little, come on now, it's just a frisbee! But I guess that's like telling someone at USC or Notre Dame that it's just football. I should probably just keep my mouth shut.
After the oh-so-enticing game of Frisbee Golf, Jack and I played....DUN DUN DUN...Super Mario Brothers!!!!! That was the part of the day that really excited me. I love those damn Nintendo songs...still in my head at this very moment. You just can't beat old Nintendo. I'll trade in your Tomb Raider crap for the Mario Bros. anyday! It just doesn't get better than flying turtles and really cool sewer systems you can travel through.
And yes, Jackie, I will support your mission to make the world better at spelling. Can we pleaaaaaaaase start with the damn politicians? Our president may be too far gone to help, however.
PLAYED FRISBEE GOLF!!!!!!! Hells Yeah! It was all Jaclyn's idea! Where does she get this stuff from? Apparently there is a frisbee golf course in Balboa Park. I don't make this shit up...it actually exists.
I really suck at Frisbee Golf. Like, terribly suck. But it was fun, none the less. What was even more fun was watching the freaks around us be really into the game. They needed to ease up a little, come on now, it's just a frisbee! But I guess that's like telling someone at USC or Notre Dame that it's just football. I should probably just keep my mouth shut.
After the oh-so-enticing game of Frisbee Golf, Jack and I played....DUN DUN DUN...Super Mario Brothers!!!!! That was the part of the day that really excited me. I love those damn Nintendo songs...still in my head at this very moment. You just can't beat old Nintendo. I'll trade in your Tomb Raider crap for the Mario Bros. anyday! It just doesn't get better than flying turtles and really cool sewer systems you can travel through.
And yes, Jackie, I will support your mission to make the world better at spelling. Can we pleaaaaaaaase start with the damn politicians? Our president may be too far gone to help, however.
6.03.2005
Check this site out:
It must have been 2 months ago in my Communications 200 class when I looked over to my left and saw my friend Jackie L. furiously scribbling away at the paper before her.
"What are you doing?" I asked, obviously not enticed by the lecture.
"Writing down ideas for my site, Flavor of the Week. It's about pop Culture," Jackie replied, with a mischevous grin. She must have about 50 freakin' items on that list.
Well, like I said that was 2 months ago or so. Now I've come to find out that Jackie has indeed been very studious and dedicated and has finally put that site up. It really is cool, and if you still read this Jackie, you should know that I really enjoy it. So, to anyone who stumbles across this page in the vast online universe, take some time and check out Jackie's ode to thing that are, er, not-so-pop-culture.
I wish we had more people in the world like Jackie--unsuperficial, down-to-earth, world-cultured, fun-to-talk-to type of people (I need to lay off the hyphens!). Then maybe we would have a president that AT LEAST uses correct grammar, if nothing else.
"What are you doing?" I asked, obviously not enticed by the lecture.
"Writing down ideas for my site, Flavor of the Week. It's about pop Culture," Jackie replied, with a mischevous grin. She must have about 50 freakin' items on that list.
Well, like I said that was 2 months ago or so. Now I've come to find out that Jackie has indeed been very studious and dedicated and has finally put that site up. It really is cool, and if you still read this Jackie, you should know that I really enjoy it. So, to anyone who stumbles across this page in the vast online universe, take some time and check out Jackie's ode to thing that are, er, not-so-pop-culture.
I wish we had more people in the world like Jackie--unsuperficial, down-to-earth, world-cultured, fun-to-talk-to type of people (I need to lay off the hyphens!). Then maybe we would have a president that AT LEAST uses correct grammar, if nothing else.
6.02.2005
Down with Bank of America!
Seriously now, Bank of America sucks. I know many of you know this. What's sad is that it finally just hit me.
So "maybe" I've been using my ATM card a little much (it was pertinent at the time to buy Mona Lisa Smile, maybe I could have done without that expense). And "maybe" I forgot to, ahem, write down all my expenses in my checkbook (as to keep record, which is apparently IMPORTANT). And so "maybe" I made a few mistakes. Yes, I know that I am at fault here.
However, my jaw dropped when I found out that I was 145 FREAKIN dollars in the red! I have never had a negative amount in my account before...having over 100 was like a kick in the stomach. Turns out I didn't write down one check to the tune of $107. Yep, that screwed me up.
Usually, my laziness doesn't do actual harm, it just leads to procrastination. But this time, my laziness came back to bite me in the ass.
So where does Bank of America come in, you may ask? Well that's the freakin' point. Those suckers didn't do a thing. While it was my fault, my account was in the red for 3 days before I noticed it, and would have continued to be in the red for longer if I didn't check. I got no call or letter from my dear bank. Those blood thirsty fools just wanted money!!! And they sure got theirs...they slapped a $64 fee on me for having "insufficient funds."
Well duh! If you would have told me the first day they were insufficient, I would have fixed the problem before you fools added to my debt and took all my money away.
Well one thing is for sure, I learned a few lessons:
So "maybe" I've been using my ATM card a little much (it was pertinent at the time to buy Mona Lisa Smile, maybe I could have done without that expense). And "maybe" I forgot to, ahem, write down all my expenses in my checkbook (as to keep record, which is apparently IMPORTANT). And so "maybe" I made a few mistakes. Yes, I know that I am at fault here.
However, my jaw dropped when I found out that I was 145 FREAKIN dollars in the red! I have never had a negative amount in my account before...having over 100 was like a kick in the stomach. Turns out I didn't write down one check to the tune of $107. Yep, that screwed me up.
Usually, my laziness doesn't do actual harm, it just leads to procrastination. But this time, my laziness came back to bite me in the ass.
So where does Bank of America come in, you may ask? Well that's the freakin' point. Those suckers didn't do a thing. While it was my fault, my account was in the red for 3 days before I noticed it, and would have continued to be in the red for longer if I didn't check. I got no call or letter from my dear bank. Those blood thirsty fools just wanted money!!! And they sure got theirs...they slapped a $64 fee on me for having "insufficient funds."
Well duh! If you would have told me the first day they were insufficient, I would have fixed the problem before you fools added to my debt and took all my money away.
Well one thing is for sure, I learned a few lessons:
- Bank of America sucks balls, to be nice about it. I think now I'm leading toward Washington Mutual, bitches!
- keeping records of finances is damn important. DO NOT let laziness interfere with balancing your checkbook...I'm an idiot sometimes!
- I need to cut back on the spending. Buying a movie is not a neccesity, nor an emergency. Therefore, I cannot treat it as such.
- American money is really ugly as compared to foreign currency (ok this is not a lesson learned, but I had to bring it up anyway).
Can't I just go back to 2nd grade when balancing my checkbook wasn't an issue?
The Boss Lady
So, for those I didn't tell, I got promoted at my job. That's a funny one. It's funny cause really I'm a lazy-ass. I give off the impression of working hard, but it's quite the opposite at times.
It's not like I make that much extra...how much are they really gonna pay you at a place called Party City? I mean, come on. Us "hard-working" employees play around with silly string when no one is looking. Yep, I'm getting some real blisters on my hands from that.
I just find it hilarious that they want me to boss people around when:
1. I hate acting all high and mighty to other people...especially those I was "equal" to before, they can't really take me seriously. I can't take me seriously!
2. Like I mentioned above, I'm a lazy-ass. A class act slacker. When it comes to getting a real job after I graduate, sure, then I'll kick my butt in gear. But a customer service job? I'm not wasting my precious energy there, suckers.
I only said yes to the promotion because, well, do I even have to say it? Money makes the world go round (well, I believe love does too, but yeah, both do).
Anyway, I'm rambling. I just wanted to share the news with others. And I'm not totally insulting myself...I deserve this little raise after 2 almost 3 years there. It' about time. Like I mentioned a million times before, I just find it funny.
It's not like I make that much extra...how much are they really gonna pay you at a place called Party City? I mean, come on. Us "hard-working" employees play around with silly string when no one is looking. Yep, I'm getting some real blisters on my hands from that.
I just find it hilarious that they want me to boss people around when:
1. I hate acting all high and mighty to other people...especially those I was "equal" to before, they can't really take me seriously. I can't take me seriously!
2. Like I mentioned above, I'm a lazy-ass. A class act slacker. When it comes to getting a real job after I graduate, sure, then I'll kick my butt in gear. But a customer service job? I'm not wasting my precious energy there, suckers.
I only said yes to the promotion because, well, do I even have to say it? Money makes the world go round (well, I believe love does too, but yeah, both do).
Anyway, I'm rambling. I just wanted to share the news with others. And I'm not totally insulting myself...I deserve this little raise after 2 almost 3 years there. It' about time. Like I mentioned a million times before, I just find it funny.
6.01.2005
My Plans for Tonight
To be all classy about it and such, I must say that my journalism class kicks some major ass. I really really love it. Weirdly enough, I even loved going up to random people and interviewing them yesterday (as was one of our assignments). Maybe I could get a hang of this reporter thing. Well, we'll see.
The only part I don't love is the FUN fact that I have to read 70 pages of the book tonight for tomorrow's class. Whoop-de-do! That's fun times on my list. Now, I know it's summerschool, and Mr. G has to cram a hole bunch of crap into a little amount of time, but come on! I go to San Diego State! Give me a break! (hehehe, that's our excuse for everything. I swear no one will be believe SDSU's classes are hard if we keep saying that. We dig our own grave, that's for sure). But yeah, that is my fun activity planned for tonight.
Instead, I'll probably eat some tacos and watch me some Love Actually. A much more productive plan, don't you think?
The only part I don't love is the FUN fact that I have to read 70 pages of the book tonight for tomorrow's class. Whoop-de-do! That's fun times on my list. Now, I know it's summerschool, and Mr. G has to cram a hole bunch of crap into a little amount of time, but come on! I go to San Diego State! Give me a break! (hehehe, that's our excuse for everything. I swear no one will be believe SDSU's classes are hard if we keep saying that. We dig our own grave, that's for sure). But yeah, that is my fun activity planned for tonight.
Instead, I'll probably eat some tacos and watch me some Love Actually. A much more productive plan, don't you think?
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