oh john...

I can get lost in John Mayer's voice. Just take a dive into the velvety-smooth lusciousness of his raspy voice. It's not just him. It's Marvin Gaye too. The soul that exudes from Marvin is like a silky net. It truly captures me and keeps me captivated for hours. I love that about music. I love how it can relax me when I'm in the pissiest of moods.

My favorite is the piano. Have you ever heard the John Coltrane and Duke Ellington song called "In a Sentimental Mood?" Oh man...it's more than a song. It has an ability to carry me away to a place where no one can touch me. No hurt, no embarrasment, no tears--it's all taken away. Sometimes the things people say to your face are so hurtful. They claw at your skin, your sanity and feelings until you bleed out tears; tears that you never wanted them to see in the first place. Sometimes I seem happier than I actually am. I can't even tell you the amount of times someone has told me, "You're never sad ashley!"

Well of course I get sad, you dumbass. Sometimes I feel like the lonliest person in the world, like I might as well be infected with a disease, cause no one wants to touch me. It's funny to say that out loud. Cause generally I am a happy person, and I realize my wealth and luck. I hate to say that it's "human nature" to feel depressed sometimes. It sounds like an excuse. But I do. Every now and then I get sad and I just cry. It's not that often, but it comes sometimes.

I guess the point of this post is to just vent the things that I never tell people. The mess of a web that I keep raveled up inside my stomach, that I NEVER let anyone hear. If I were to say it out loud, in front of someone...I may just cry and not be able to finish.

So, right now I'm listening to a song by counterfeit for the first time. And I really like it...it's really really good, and it's putting me in a good mood (thanks to my little anne). When I start to feel the way I explained above, really I turn to music. I turn to some friends also, but to be honest there are a limited number of friends that I can reveal such a dark feeling to--plus I hate piling my crap and complaints on other people. This is getting really long, so I'm gonna end it, but I'm happy to express it outloud. cause now "I feel good!" With thanks to James Brown.

Oh yeah, and john mayer is right, that sexy bitch! "I am invincible, as long as I'm alive!"