Strugglin'

"Struggling is nature's way of strengthening." --LOST

Well then 2011 strengthened the HELL outta me! Here's to the new year (again)!

Oh, and interesting post from a friend of mine, care to read?

***

(As I have been sick the last few days, I may or may not have indulged in a LOST marathon. Just wrapped up Season 1).

:)

I'm In Love With Them Both (and Happy New Year!)

Learning How to Un-Plan 2012 (And Ruminations on 2011)

Today was one of those perfect driving days in where the sun warmed up the entire cabin of my car just enough, so that I felt like sunshine was seeping into my achy bones. Which put me in the perfect thinking mood. Of course I had to think about the year that was 2011, as the new year is almost upon us.

2011 has been a headache, a blessing and a life changer all wrapped into 365 days.

The start of 2011 had me buying a one way ticket to Turkey and boarding that plane in March. I put a lot of hopes and dreams into going to Turkey. Surprisingly, my expectations outweighed reality, and I found myself yearning to come back home. Maybe it was bad timing. Maybe I was never meant to go. But what felt right was coming home. So about a month later, I bought my second one-way ticket and boarded a plane back to Cali.

I figured out that changing my mind was my prerogative. I didn't have to prove anything to anyone, and through this experience, I felt more autonomous than I have ever felt in my life.

Sitting by the Mediterranean, figuring out life.

Back in California, I had to find myself a job. It worked out that I was employed a month after being back from Turkey. Whether it was luck or divine intervention, I still feel blessed to have gotten a job.

As most of you know, I've struggled with this job, asking myself: is this what I really want? Is this the right path for me? I still struggle with this question.

What I do know is that I am meant to go through this struggle. These growing pains help shape me into the unique being that I am; there is no other like me, or like you, in this universe. And if you really focus on that thought, the struggles almost seem less arduous, as they are a part of the bigger picture: The bigger picture that is Ashley's life.

I've been learning that life is a series of guess & checks. There is only so much you can plan or even hope for. So I think I'm going to start giving up on planning, and even hoping too much. I always feel a bit silly hoping for a 'good year' every time the ball drops on the New Year's Eve, as if that's the only path or emotion in life. Sometimes life is bad, dirty, hard, grungy and full of sorrows. But those too, are all a part of the whole and worth experiencing.

And so, I trudge into 2012 with a sharper intuition, fine-tuned by every mistake I've made, every wrong turn that caused me to detour and every tear that helped shape this being. I will not plan for 2012, but I will leave it open: A blank canvas in where I welcome the good, the bad, the surprising, and the hair-raising. I welcome it all. I welcome life.

So here's to a new year, whatever that may bring.

Cheers, friends.

Santa Paws Says...

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!!

Perfectly Acceptable Ashley

It's perfectly acceptable:

• to have a Sapporo (Japanese beer) while studying, which turned into two beers. Somehow my highlighting got miiiiighty sloppy...maybe not the best studying technique I've ever thought of.
  

• to have a Shakira jam fest in your car. I thoroughly enjoy belting out "Underneath Your Clothes," which is not the best song in the world, but so what? It's a GUILTY PLEASURE...except, I don't feel too guilty. Shakira is the bees knees. Don't get me started on the magic that is "She Wolf." Shakira makes me wanna dance!
  

• to look like you're working hard while at work, but actually are reading blogs and being sneaky. The best work-time activity! I'm a blog ninja. Er, work ninja? Work blog ninja. Whatever.

And because I never ask (so not acceptable), what's a perfectly acceptable thing you've done this week? Which means, something that's probably not too acceptable, but you make it acceptable. Get it? So tell me...

A Very Socially Conscious Christmas

Some of you may have already finished your Christmas shopping (good for you!). But if not, I have a few ideas of where to get gifts and give back at the same time:

isanctuary.org

isanctuary is selling jewelry in support of stopping human trafficking. This is how it works: women who used to be in the human trafficking system are now given jobs with this nonprofit, and given their freedom from the chains that once bound them. I bought a pretty bracelet for my sister through their site, and it came with a note about the wonderful woman who made it (it actually made me tear up). The jewelry is well-made (I can vouch for that). So head on over and check out goods for a good cause!

ONE.org

Ahhh...ONE. I will always be fond of this charity because it prompted Adam Levine to point at me from the stage at a Maroon 5 Concert (I cherish that day!). While ONE gets a lot of attention, it's still a great cause to support as its focus is to stop the AIDS epidemic in Africa. So why not buy a grocery bag from them and give it as a present to your green-friendly friend?

Volunteer!

I have a major soft spot for the homeless. We give so many frivolous gifts to one another (which can be fun), why not also give a gift to someone who needs it? It's so easy to organize your own group to go out and feed the homeless...it's as simple as making a big batch of spaghetti! If you are not comfortable with feeding the homeless, you can even donate to such charities as Everyone Deserves A Roof. There is NO feeling like giving to someone who TRULY needs it.


After buying/giving said gifts, eat some cookies and give yourself a pat on the back for making Santa's Good List...you deserve it!

The One About My Hometown

I spend so much time posting on traveling, that I don't think I've ever posted on San Diego. I think it's time to showcase my hometown:

We might have one of the best skylines EVER. Just sayin'...

Chillin' on the ferry that takes you from the beautiful Coronado Island to Downtown SD.

We have approximately 4 military bases in San Diego, so you're bound to see ships and planes about the city.

One of my fave hangouts...Little Italy has fantastic Italian food and art.

Del Mar (northern county of San Diego) has one of the oldest racetracks in the country. It's quite fun to go to the yearly races and dress in big hats while gambling.

La Jolla Cove is pure beauty!

Hanging out in Encinitas where all the surfers go :)

Palm trees in Cali = classic.

There is an annual December Nights Festival where the museums are free and everything is decorated in pretty lights!

Awed by nature!

We have some of the best Mexican food in the country. That's what you get for being a border town!

I think I've made my case in showing you San Diego's beauty. Sometimes I'm worried that San Diego is turning into another LA: it's becoming overcrowded, the traffic is getting unbearable and all open spaces are starting to fill up with buildings, complexes and more buildings. Hmmm...

I still love it so. This is the city I was born in! It will always be my home.

If you're planning on visiting California, I'd urge you to skip LA (or just spend one day there), but make stops in San Francisco, Santa Barbara, and of course, Sunny San Diego.

So What Do You Think?

I found this video highly interesting, and couldn't figure out if I was impressed by this plan the Japanese government has placed on companies, or slightly disturbed by the amount of government control.

On the one hand, companies are kept accountable for what kind of food they serve employees and are forced to think about their employee's well-being. On the other hand, the government is forcing you to lose weight, which could have interesting and/or negative psychological effects, me thinks. It also brings up civil rights, some how...

What do you think?

Calling All Blog Wizards...

Technical Question...

Can anyone, for the love of God, tell me how to align my tabs to the center (right below my header)?????

Pretty sure I tried to figure this out for a few hours before retreating to a couple glasses of wine and one too many frozen mini pizzas. Oh the horror!

Any tips would be very appreciated. Thanks :)

Perfectly Acceptable Ashley

It's totally acceptable:

• to like every song titled "Creep" (i.e., Radiohead, Stone Temple Pilots, and the like...), and to realize that maybe this has some psychological meaning. Guess I'm a creep. ☺

• to take, ohhhh, 2 or 3 days to put clean laundry away. Which totally clashes with my hatred of ironing. Actually, this might be the reason I hate to iron, because ALL my clothes end up super wrinkly from not putting them away.
  

• to do a happy dance when you realize that not only is the Midnight in Paris DVD coming out December 20th, but for some magical reason it is back in theaters. Basically, I am a nerd who gets über excited over certain books and movies. It's acceptable to be "nerdly." <---a word my friend Ali made up. It's also acceptable to make up words.
  

• to buy 8 movies off of Amazon on Black Friday...damn those deals! I couldn't pass up There's Something About Mary or Bridesmaids for a thrifty price. Boom-shaka-laka! By getting movies for under $5, I somehow convince myself that I've beat the system and am fighting the man. No, Ashley...you're feeding the system and paying the man...doh!

Tis the Season to Decorate (And Sing "Deck Da Club")

Simply, decorating with ridiculous tinsel, garland, twinkling "epilepsy" lights (as I like to call them), and evergreen trees in your living room is a load of freakin' fun...

Or as Jim Gaffigan likes to call it, "The behavior of a drunk man."

For some reason the holiday season is an excuse for me to use more candles without looking like I'm trying to have a séance.

.

Tinsel and Tree!!

Poor Churro is wondering where the heck his dignity and manhood has gone.

All the while my roomie and I blasted A Very She & Him Christmas, *NSYNC's Home For Christmas, oh...and this:

Merry Christmas, peeps.

Alright, So I Have Nothing Figured Out, But Life is Still Sweet

I'm not a lost little puppy, but I'm in my twenties. I think that speaks for itself...

I was having a conversation about this "being in my twenties" business with an older, wiser co-worker of mine. Sometimes the pressure of everyone else seemingly knowing what the hell they're doing brings out insecurities within me. But I know better: most people my age don't really know what they're doing. There's a lot of pretending going on, but not a lot of knowing.

I turned to Dani, my coworker, and said "I don't know what I'm doing! I don't know anything."

"Of course you don't. You're 26. You're not supposed to know anything. I'm 40, and I still don't know that much," Dani replied.

It felt good acknowledging this feeling of not knowing jack shit. Furthermore, it felt even better realizing that it's okay to not know jack shit. I'M IN MY TWENTIES! I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!! Alright, so maybe you are in your twenties and you feel like you know a lot. But you and I are different. Every experience is unique to one's own path. Right now, I am quite content with being the student, not the teacher. And why the heck was I trying to be the teacher before?

So Sunday, I had a day of driving and self-reflection. By the way, "Dry the Rain" by the Beta Band may be one of the best driving songs in the world (thanks High Fidelity).

I let go of my pseudo-plans that day, cause I'm trying to practice this whole 'letting life happen' mentality. Baby steps. It felt so very euphoric to follow the breeze and drive down random streets. And it hit me, life is sweet. Planning life too much makes everything stagnant and mediocre. Too often, I miss out on the sweetness of life because I'm not paying attention to where I am. I often try to recreate the past, or build the future. When am I ever trying to just be in the here and now?

It's cliche, I know. But it's one thing to know something and it's another to live something.

And that also means living through every emotion, even the ones that don't include a smile or laugh. Because those times where you are sobbing so hard it weighs out your thoughts, or you're so angry you want to throw a brick through a pane of glass--those emotions are sweet as well, for they bring clarity.

So I'm gonna try and live the sweet life more often, no matter where I am. La Dolce Vita, indeed.

Made You Laugh

Just a compilation of pictures that may or may not amuse you...from the archives of my everyday life...

Does my fortune know something about my sexuality that I don't?

Weapons. On the wall of a bar. Somehow I think this may be a bad idea. Note: they are medieval torture weapons.

Little Gnome Dude is sort of freaky.

Signs like this just make me laugh. ZAP!

PETA: People Eating Tasty Animals

This is an actual interior of a car. That little chain thingy on the left? The steering wheel.

Proof that too much wine may kill you :)

I found Quail Man on Halloween!!

It's a fun day when Domo shows up on your computer (drawn unbeknown to me by a coworker's boyfriend)

The best kind.

Hmmm...I may make this a series on my blog. Cause it's really easy to find crap like this everyday!

Music Challenge, Day 24: A Song That You Want to Play At Your Funeral

Back to the music challenge! I need to finish this bad boy...

(that's what she said)

So, my funeral. Well, that's a morbid thought, and I hadn't actually thought of what song I wanted played at my death bed. Who thinks of these things? But, I believe I chose a good one. I don't think I have to explain my choice. Enjoy:

The Challenge so far:

day 01 - your favorite song

day 02 - your least favorite song

day 03 - a song that makes you happy

day 04 - a song that makes you sad

day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone

day 06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere

day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event

day 08 - a song that you know all the words to

day 09 - a song that you can dance to

day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep

day 11 - a song from your favorite band

day 12 - a song from a band you hate

day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure

day 14 - a song that nobody would expect you to love

day 15 - a song that describes you

day 16 - a song that you used to love but now hate
day 17 - a song that you hear often on the radio

day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio

day 19 - a song from your favorite album
day 20 - a song that you listen to when you're angry
day 21 - a song that you listen to when you're happy

day 22 - a song that you listen to when you're sad

day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding

Quote of the Day:

"Whenever I blame someone else for the problems in my life, I consequently make myself powerless to change or fix that problem. As long as I think the problem is outside of me, I've abdicated any possibility that I can make that situation better...there is nothing more powerful than taking personal responsibility for your life." --Erwin McManus

We must take ownership of our lives and recognize our part in the problem, so that we can make a change. I love, love, love this quote.

And with that...have a smashing Thanksgiving, all!

Gettin' Schooled

Yesterday morning, I felt sort of blah. I rolled out of bed and stepped into the typical routine. After haphazardly dabbing on a bit of blush, I shuffled out of the door. Another robotic day...

And then I remembered, "Today is the first day of school!" Surely, a eureka moment.

I logged into my Master's course (I'm forced to take it online, unfortunately). I saw that I had assignments due, readings, discussion topics and a quiz at the end of the week.

With a knowing smile I realized I didn't need artificial blush that morning--the color returned to my cheeks naturally. I was back in my element.

I may complain in the coming months about assignments, but it's only a lapse in judgment. Pay no attention to any whinging as it is simply human error. For I am happiest when I am at the threshold of knowledge, the hungriest of subjects at the king's dinner table of learning.

(Excuse the cheese factor, but I am truly excited about school).

I'm ready. It's been too long.

“When evening comes, I return home and go into my study. On the threshold I strip off my muddy, sweaty, workday clothes, and put on the robes of court and palace, and in this graver dress I enter the antique courts of the ancients and am welcomed by them, and there I taste the food that alone is mine, and for which I was born. And there I make bold to speak to them and ask the motives of their actions, and they, in their humanity, reply to me. And for the space of four hours I forget the world, remember no vexation, fear poverty no more, tremble no more at death: I pass indeed into their world.”

--Machiavelli

4 Resons Why I'm Smiling This Fine Friday

1. I booked a trip to Texas to visit my buddy Andy in January. Look out San Antonio, I'm coming for ya! I haven't left San Diego in 6 or 7 months, so this is much needed.

2. My roommate's friend (who got married fairly young) visited us a few weeks ago, and had this to say about Lainey and me: "I admire those girls for supporting themselves completely. They don't feel the need to jump into marriage, or ask a man to support them. They do it all on their own! They don't even need marriage." THAT'S RIGHT, GIRL. Now, that's not to say that I'll never get married...who knows? What I do know is, I am able to support myself, on my own, until the day I die. There is something very powerful in knowing that I'm a badass who is able to take care of herself.

3. I'm starting a Master's program at the school I work for...on Monday! Whew! This will keep me majorly occupied, which I am happy about, because I get so DAMN BORED! Guess I won't be so bored anymore...

4. I finally started Turkish classes last night! For awhile I was the only person signed up, but now I have a friend...we have all of two people in our class. As I suspected, the first class was quite hard, as they used the immersion technique. Anyone who has heard Turkish probably knows that pronunciation is the most difficult part of the language. So hopefully I get better each week!

Well, have a good weekend all...for the reasons stated above, things are going well (and busy) for me. Yee haw! (you know, for Texas)

The Downside and Upside to Being Pure of Heart

I've always failed at bluffing.

Any card game that requires a well-told lie I can never play well. My opponent sees right through my supposed rigid upper lip. A smile always breaks and I am found out.

Times that I've tried to lie, I've always ended up telling the truth. This is the result of a strong conscience, a good dose of Catholic guilt, and an uneasiness I get in my stomach when I'm doing the wrong thing.

My heart is pure.

The downside to this is that I welcome a lot of people into my heart, to take up a room and make a home there. This sometimes invites the sleaziest of people, who have no other intentions but servicing their own wants. I am left crushed and wondering what went wrong, why I ever trusted them, and how I didn't see their true character before.

The upside is that, ultimately, I attract others who are pure of heart. We find each other through the mess of vultures, thieves and crooks that hungrily surround. I have a good list of pure-of-hearters that have been my friends for years now. They've stuck it out through the ugly and the heart-breaking.

And how do you find a pure-of-hearter?

Easy. By how they treat others. More importantly, how they treat others when things are not going their way. I've seen plenty of seemingly good people turn vicious and bloodsucking when the "world is coming down" on them. They blame everyone else for their troubles, which frequently, they have caused themselves.

It's almost a curse, this honest heart of mine. But then again I wouldn't, couldn't live another way.

"How did they find me here

What do they want from me
All of these vultures hiding
Right outside my door
I hear them whispering
They're trying to ride it out
Cause they've never gone this long
Without a kill before...

Down to the wire
I wanted water but
I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me, testing me..."

Raiding My Mom's Closet

The little snoop that I am, I was going through my mom's dresser drawers and closet about a week ago when I stumbled across some of her old threads!

Whether you like to call 'em old, retro, or vintage, I love finding garments from decades past. It really goes without saying that most clothes from the past were made better than the sweat-shopped clothes we find today (that tend to fall apart in a couple years time, it seems).

Also, my mama had style! (Refer to picture below).

She was quite glamourous, no?(Also, that's my dad, see the resemblance?)

I was happy to find out that I could fit in my mom's old clothes, so I begged her to have them. Two new editions to my closet!

It's funny because these sweaters have come back in full force!

A wavy ring that belonged to my American grandmother.

A necklace (with a picture of my sister and I--we are 20 years apart) from my Turkish grandmother.

A shirt with cute detail that I often wear to work. My boss asked if I had made it cause the stitching was so good. Nah, clothes were just better back in the day!

The awesome part: I didn't have to pay a cent for any of these great new items! Score!

Still Believing the Best in People (Despite the Not-So-Great Days)

Oh man. It's a bad day when you realize who's a true friend and who's not.

I get it. That's life. Not everyone is genuine. Not everyone cares.

There are days when I still feel too naive for my age. I always believe the very best in people. So stupid, Ash...

...Cause here I am, feeling dumb. Too often I trust in people who speak beautiful things, but who can never back that up with beautiful actions. Is my judge of character off, or something? But I will go ahead and say that I'm not dumb. I never had ill-intentions, and I never told half-truths. My sincerity is in tact. I am still that genuine being I strive to be.

I just want to say, without complication, that this hurts. In the end, I've still lost a friend that I thought would be a friend for a lifetime.

And so, it's time to just let go...

And What Have We Gained (Besides This New iPhone)?

This quote embodies all of the thoughts I've had as I watch a spinning globe, tilting out of control, trying to keep up with an increasingly faster-paced way of life:

"You call your thousand material devices 'labor-saving machinery,' yet you are forever 'busy.' With the multiplying of your machinery you grow increasingly fatigued, anxious, nervous, dissatisfied. Whatever you have, you want more; and wherever you are you want to go somewhere else...

You have a machine to dig the raw material for you...a machine to manufacture...a machine to transport...a machine to sweep and dust, one to carry messages, one to write, one to talk, one to sing, one to play, one to vote, one to sew...and a hundred others to do a hundred other things for you, and still you are the most nervously busy man in the world...your devices are neither time-saving or soul-saving machinery."

This quote was written over 40 years ago, and is even truer today. Machines have invaded our lives. We're taught that we need them to survive, as you've heard some half-jokingly say, "I can't live without my phone!"

The list of 'machines' is nearly endless: iPhones (for which I'm guilty), televisions, computers, mini-computers, online classes (this disturbs me greatly), and so on and so on.

We've essentially gained the whole world, right? Electronically we are impressive. But what is the cost? It's no enigma that crumbling community has been on the rise with all the added technology. When a computer becomes the go-to confidant over a human, there is a tragedy unfolding before us.

What I am getting at, and what the above quote is getting at, is not the abundance of machines; but rather, the loss of our souls because of it.

***

Often times, I know my rants are harsh and edging on absolute. I've become grumpier in my old age. Even when I pull a time travel on my blog and visit posts past, there is a bright-eyed, more optimistic Ashley to be found. While I like to still think I have some optimism, I've lost a lot of my 'there's beauty to be found in everything' attitude...

I'd like to go back to that place, I think.

Perfectly Acceptable Ashley

It's sooooo acceptable:

• To snicker when I notice girls struggling to walk in ridiculous heels. Listen, chick-a-dee, that ain't natural. It's no wonder you can barely walk.

• to take whip cream shots. You know, right out of the canister. Suddenly I feel like a third-grader.

• to love facial hair on men. Am I the only one? It's just...so...manly. Men...start a revolution! Grow out that awesome facial hair! *wink*

• to adore this:

Favorite Thing Thursday:

What started out as writing about my favorite things has become a gratitude list of sorts. It's all a good reminder for me that life is brilliant, and you've got to get your head out of the sand to notice the brilliance of it all.

Here are a few of my favorite things...

1. Learning new languages

So excited! My Turkish class starts tonight! And really, I think learning new languages should be implemented early on in American schools (think elementary school). We are far behind other countries in this realm. I often meet people from other countries that speak 3 different languages. And I speak...um...one. Yeahhhhhhh. Let's fix that!

2. Halloween!

I went for a sort of china doll costume.

My dress was found in a thrift store, and is originally from the 60s. Lainey is dressed as a sweet lil' gypsy.

Our friend Henry met up with us. Notice the soap on the rope he's carrying around? I took the liberty of stealing that soap and throwing it on the ground all throughout the night. I'm amused by simple things.

3. Finding Robots in Everyday Life

Another robot soldier I can recruit to help me take over the world and implement my evil plan...I mean, what?

Going and Going Strong

Ahhhhhh.

Hear that? That's the sound of Ashley breathing easy.

I want to say that the past two months have been particularly challenging for me. Being sad is a perpetual feeling. It grows upon itself, like a fast-moving disease, attacking all the functions of the body, until you've even forgotten how to smile.

However...

I've made a turn-around. I've found myself dreaming big again. You know, the kind of dreaming big you do when you're five, when you think anything is possible, including floating off to the moon in a hot air balloon.

I've been smiling a lot more. And telling jokes in that nerdy Ashley way. And eating ice cream.

I think this transformation happened when I realized, really realized, that I'm not actually trapped. It's about realizing that there are options and ways out, no matter what the circumstance is. It even helps to write down those options, so they are staring back you and calling out your name, "Ashley! Ashley! Pick me! Take this path!"

To which you can reply, "I just might!"

Not that I spend my nights talking to paper. *ahem*

I get that this is a process that takes time, but some weights have been lifted. I'm feeling good.

***

I'll end with a knowing smile and the infallible words of Dr. Suess, who I am convinced wrote Oh The Places You'll Go! more for adults than for children:

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done...

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Hot Dog! It's Halloweenie!!

(You'll excuse the bad title with the picture below)