My Resolutions for 2008

Yeah, I decided to make a few.

1. Learn how to let go this year. I hold onto sadness, anger and all of my emotions for way too long. I need to learn how to just let it slide, a.k.a. be more easy going.

2. Open up to other guys besides J. I HAVE to do this. This whole year, I definitely pushed other guys away that could have been a strong presence in my life--not necessarily to date, but to at least befriend. All because I invested too much energy/time into J. A lot of that (but not all) was a big waste of time.

3. Graduate and get a "real" job. Haha, well I think I can get the graduating part done. I'll get back to you on the job part :)

4. Laugh more, Love more, Smile More, Hug more. Just more of all the good things in life. I've been wearing a frown for far too long.

5. Go to the gym more. Haha, I had to throw a trivial one in there. But I can do it!! (Uhhh, when I feel like it). But really, I need to take a turn towards being more healthy and less of a couch potato.

That's all for now...and what are your resolutions may I ask?

I heart John Cusack

So I just watched High Fidelity for the first time. What a GREAT movie. I MUST have it!!!!

Ok, off to look for jobs...just wanted to comment on that amazing movie!!

Refresh

Sometimes it just takes me a freakin' long time to realize how stupid I've been in the past...but life is about learning, right?

Today was one of those days where I just kind of snapped out of it. Don't you have those days where you just kind of kick yourself in the ass and go "stop being all sad, and live your fucking life!" It just kind of hits you out of nowhere.

I realized that J will regret never being with me, cause I make for a damn good friend/lover/person. And he'll just never know what he could have had...until he finally realizes it and it's too late--and I'm married to some hot Australian surfer. Haha, I sound like some girl empowerment article in Seventeen magazine or something. But, it's good to come to that realization on my own. People spend a lot of time telling you to move on because you're better than you know, and that's all good and well, but you don't really take it in till you realize it yourself.

Well, New Year's is coming up and I have to work that night...laaaaaame, I know. But I'm excited to start anew. Of course I will have a list of resolutions and stuff soon.

Sexy Lady

Your Name Is Damn Sexy! :) Your name scored 141 in the "How Sexy Is Your Name Test"

How Sexy Is Your Name?

Ummmm, so you should see if you can beat my sexy score :) I didn't think that Ashley was a sexy name, but the "How Sexy is Your Name?" Calculator told me it was, so I can't argue!

I'll write a "real" post soon...

I've Seen Fire and I've Seen Rain

So I just found out that a friend of mine died recently, and I'm getting pissed off cause I can't find out how he died.

But it's a little shocking to hear about, and I'm getting flashbacks to when I was 17 and found out that my friend Garrett died.

Let me tell you though, hearing that someone's life has ended puts things into perspective...and makes me really realize that I should stop being so fucking sad over life, cause at least I have it.

And yeah, I know it's so stupid to finally come to that realization when someone DIES--like that's what it has to take--but sometimes it does.

So this is for my friend Leonard, who was my age, and a genuinely nice person--a little bit of nerd, a little bit of sincereness, a little bit of cuteness all mixed into one person. Death is so elusive, and it's hard to believe that anyone should go so young.

There's nothing more to say here, only that we should appreciate every moment, every single moment. I'll leave you with a comment Leonard left me once when I posted a sad blog on facebook (I don't write on facebook often)...I hadn't talked to him in years, but I've known him since middle school, he said:

Hey Ashley,
I haven't seen or talked to you in forever, but on the news feed when I just signed on this was one of the first things I saw and it made me pretty sad to hear. Life is a highway full of smooth riding but every now and then there those occasional bumps in the road. Life happens and basically that sucks, but there are so many great things in life. Whenever I hit a low in life, which has been happening a lot lately with the stress of school building and life in general, I always find comfort in knowing that everything happens for a reason, whether it be a good thing to put a smile on our face, or a bad thing to help us grow and learn from. My favorite prayer when I'm sad is the Serenity Prayer, it's a really good one and helps me to understand and deal with things. I hope things get better and that you get many hugs, if i could I would send a hug from Michigan, but maybe we can hang out sometime when I'm back in Cali and I'll give ya that hug. Take care now and smile.

I think this sums up Leonard all in one paragraph.

Oh, Comfort Food

I just got cookies from my friend (whom I call my Zero--long story) and that makes me smile. She baked them for me and is an amazing cook, and I should make lots of money so I can pay her to make me food every night....

ok, the end.

I'm having mood swings, I realize.

Return Back

There's a part of me that longs to be free
Away with the wind, far away from him.
Sometimes I try to hold back the tears
all the foolish fears
that life will never get better,
that the flood will only get wetter.

And sometimes I think,
I've forgotten how to wink.
How to laugh, how to smile.

Too many feelings come
then you start becoming numb
wishing that you'll never feel again.

But in the end
I know
that hope always grows,
and you can't keep a heart depressed,
mine's too strong to suppress.

It beats in hopes to be glad
to pump out all the sad
to see the living green,
purple, turquoise and inbetween.

To get out of a colorless world,
to become, once again, a whole girl.
And soon you'll see
that I'll return back,
back to the old me.

Better Days

Yay...ok so my roomie and I bought a X-mas tree yesterday. It was the first Xmas tree we've ever bought on our own. And we're decorating the ornaments for it (with glitter puffy paint!). Soon I will have pictures when it is completely decorated. And it will look magnificent!

Ok, update on my "situation." Well, I had a really hard time this week with the thought of not being J's friend at all. Like, A REALLY hard time. And maybe I should have just waited it out longer...well, yeah, that's a given. But, I contacted him, and we had another talk...and I told him that it would make me feel better to see him every now and then within a group context--something like once a month.

I think this might be the best solution for someone that I used to see EVERYDAY. And I feel more at ease.

Eh, it's not like I really know how to navigate this insane ride of life. But I try and hope for the best.

Can I Get An Opiate?

Man this has been one roller coaster of a week. I've been a mess. And at the same time I've been stronger, and then I've been a mess again. You know that uncontrollable sobbing that lurks up on you, and you just can't fight it? Yeah, that's been the story of my life this week.

But it's not just because of him. It's also cause it's finals week. It's also cause my boss has been the BIGGEST asshole this week (not to mention the regular asshole he's been the whole semester). And so, I'm quitting. I waited it out for 2 months. And I've hated it for two months. Time for a new job, and soon graduation is coming anyway. These are nothing jobs that aren't worth anything, anyways.

Good Note: I'm seeing Foo Fighters in March :) YAAAAAAAAY. I heart concerts, especially of the rock persuasion!

By the way, I haven't contacted my ex-friend this whole week, and I'm proud of myself. Cause I want to, but I'm refraining. And I'm getting through this week...chuggin' thought, The Little Ashley Engine That Could...that's my name.

Finally Time.

I said goodbye to him. I think I knew that I had to when I was writing my earlier post. I knew the answer to my own question.

I said goodbye. I told we can't be friends now...maybe in a couple of years, I told him.

He said he was so sorry for ever hurting me, for crossing the line and that he loved me.

I will always love him. Always. And that is why this is so hard for me, so, so, so hard. I can't believe I actually told him goodbye. But I knew I had to.

It's never easy to say goodbye to one of your best friends. But this long long break will probably let us be friends again one day, because where we stand right now, we're not friends...we're just broken and confused.

Time for me to go now, pick up the pieces and get out the glue. Time for me to really heal the wounds.

♥

Do You Really Ever Get Over It?

I feel compelled to write, so here goes...

So you all know that I've been hurt by someone, pretty badly (the few of you that have read through my girly nonsense).

Sometimes, when I have my good days (you know those days where everything just feels right), I believe that I am "over it."

But then I have my days like today, where the pain kind of flares up, and I am reminded that, no, I am not completely over it. And don't worry--I'm not depressed, suicidal or anything of the like. But, I still have this pain that I carry with me, that I've carried for awhile...

DOES IT EVER GO AWAY???????

I'm asking you all because many of you are older, wiser, more experienced than I. So tell me, have you truly gotten over pain?

Furthermore, I pose another question...do you think you can remain friends with that person that has caused you pain? So, my friend J...that's who this is about. Right now, we're on a friend hiatus of sorts. I told him we needed a break from each other, and that we could be friends after a few months, when I'm "over it."

But I'm starting to really ask myself...can I be his friend? Should I be his friend? Can you go back to being friends after being more than friends?

In all truthfulness, I love him. And I love him dearly. I want him to be happy. And I still want him in my life, but I wonder if that is for the best. I wonder if I will ever really heal if I keep him in my life.

And again, do you ever heal?

Ok, I'm asking a lot of questions, I know. But it's one of those things where I'm just contemplating telling him that we're better off as, well nothing. Not friends, not anything. And although that really makes me sad, part of me wonders if we have a friendship to save anyway.

Love, life, pain...it's all too complicated for a simple-minded girl.

I'd like your input, I really would.

I Want To...

1. Write childrens' books when "I grow up." Or maybe just books in general.

2. Live in a place that rains often.

3. Learn how to play the piano, someday.

4. Learn how to speak Turkish.

5. Dance every dance ever made.

6. Go to Italy (sooooooooooooooooo badly).

7. Fall in love with someone totally and completely worthy of me, someone simply smashing.

8. Wear as much purple as possible.

9. Touch someone's life, without money, but with the heart.

10. Have kids, and raise them chillins up right :)

11. Smile more.

12. Learn everything about the people around me.

13. Go for a walk in the snow (since I've never seen snow!)

14. Become more spiritual.

15. Love with all my ♥

Just wanted to share some of the things I want to do. Tell me what you want as well, I'm curious.

Hold Me, Hold Me!

I went to church tonight, and Pastor Miles told me a little story that I thought you would appreciate:

He said a football player he knew (cause Pastor Miles used to play for the Chargers long ago) came up to him to get some marriage counseling. He told Miles "Things just aren't going great. She just had our baby and she's stressed and we've been fighting over every little thing and, we just don't...our, um..."

Pastor Miles: Your sex life is gone?

Football Player: Yeah. So maybe I can bring her another day and you can counsel us and...

Pastor Miles: Time out. Let me tell you what to do right now. You need to go home, and bow down before her, and tell her sorry for being so dumb. You need to soak her feet in some warm water, and give her roses. And then you need to ask her 5 ways that you can help to make her life better. And then do those things for her. Do all of this and get back to me."

Pastor Miles said a week passed, and the football player came back, big smile on his face and said "Man! Pastor Miles! Things are so much better! How did you know to do that?"

Pastor Miles: Cause I was dumb like you once.

***
People forget sometimes that we are ultimately happiest when we give ourselves to others and put ourselves last. I came home after service and gave my roommates big hugs. They kind of gave me a look at first, but hugged me back and smiled afterward.

Don't forget to go hug or smile at someone today.

Gettin' By

I'm drinking some coffee with Peppermint Mocha creamer in it. Mmmmm. Starbucks, eat your heart out!

Going to a play tonight, By the Bog of Cats. It's an adaptation of the Greek tragedy Medea. Should be good, hopefully.

I do better everyday in life. I truly get by with a little help from my friends (thanks to the Beatles). I'm doing well right now. Remembering that life is precious and valuable. Sometimes, I forget that. Sometimes, we all forget that.

Pitter Patter

I woke up this morning to the glorious sound of rain. I love it so. What a great way to wake up!!!!!!

I'm trying to look for the positive in life, and move away from the negative. I'm going to go dance in the rain today, and get some soup with my friend Jenny...soup has healing powers, you know.

Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning...

That's from the Bible, kids. True words.

Self-Analyzing, What's New?

Went to my parents' 30th anniversary dinner today. Well, that's a long time to be married.

Lately, I've noticed myself being slightly obsessed with the idea of relationships, which is completely unlike me. I mean, I know better--looking for a relationship is simply foolish. I've always believed that relationships, and love, should be accidental. What's the point in trying to plan out love?

I think this yearning (I hate that word) for a relationship is the direct cause of trying to let go of J. And I'm really failing at letting go. I still think about him, every day. And that's much too often. Although he's still my friend, he just doesn't deserve that much of my time. But in so many ways, he was that accidental love--the kind that ambushed me out of nowhere. And now that I must give him up, it's extremely hard to recover. But what better way to recover than to cling onto someone else...

That's obviously WRONG!! I never thought I would be that girl...

I'm frustrated now because I know I sound so very foolish. In the end, I know how picky I am, and I know I would never start a relationship if it wasn't right. As much as my heart aches to heal all its wounds, I would never use a person to do it.

I know that I have to do it all on my own. But healing pain on your own...that's the scariest idea ever.

Farewell To A Crooked Dagger

He doesn't own me anymore.
I left the pool of blood by the door
of the murder scene,
burgundy screams.

Sharp tears drenching my skin
I'll never go back again.

He'll keep his crooked dagger in his pocket.
Her face remains in his golden locket.
He never cared for mine,
I left his mess of lies behind.

And although it still pains me to the core.
I'm starting to see...
He doesn't own me anymore.

Oh, My Love

I'm soooooo getting this dvd of the concert (since I saw it in las vegas and all back in sept.

Oh, to tell you how long I've been a Justin fan, well you would laugh at me. But play around with this little thingy here and you can see some footage from the concert.

Why is he so darn sexy?

Just In Time for Turkey

My mind has been racing the past few days, and I feel like I've been secluded from, you know, life. Case in point: my friend sent me a text that said "Hey stranger, where ya been?"

Hell if I know...going insane.

But my essay is done!! Yayyyyyyy. I realized that it was the last real essay I will ever have to write for college. Cause I graduate next semester, and all my classes will be journalism classes (and one Italian). So I'll be writing articles for the most part.

Anyway, I'm glad Thanksgiving is coming soon!!! It makes me VERY happy. Especially because I need a break (and an amazing meal to boot). Mmmmm...stuffing.

Oh, sorry. One track mind. Hope you all have an amazing Thanksgiving!! Maybe I'll have pictures of my adorable nephews to share after Thursday (they're visiting right now).

Miss Keys, You Got Soul!

LOVE HER. And her CD is pretty much outstanding. Download "Superwoman" on Ares, or Limewire, or whatever hip dowloader you kids are using these days.

And...how can one woman be soooo darn pretty?

Ok, that's all for today. Gosh, I love pianos.

Hard Day's Night

So, today I have to start that seven page paper. HAVE to. And what am I doing now? Not starting it. It's a hard life being a procrastinator. Three more weeks until finals!! So five more weeks until the semester is over!!

Can I even wait that long?

Last night I did what every juvenile boy does before he goes to sleep (no not that, you dirty-minded people!): I played guitar hero. I was pretty bad at it, if I do say so myself. But I kept "practicing" on the little plastic guitar and finally beat the song (Nirvana's "Heart-Shaped Box"). I can see how that stupid game could be addictive. After all, in my youth, I was all about Super Mario Bros. and the secret passageways to skip levels (those were cooooooool).

Random: Yesterday I talked to a very adorable Mexican boy that works in the cafe next to me--just had to bring that up cause he was so charming. Maybe I should "drop in" sometime for some coffee. hehe. Well, sometimes I'm a flirt. (I swear I put this in here for Anthony to read...since he's a HUGE flirt as well and will give me advice).

Ok, ok. Onto writing my essay...

CrAzY Week.

I feel like I've been on crack this week. Not that I would know.

Oh, seven page paper...I do not want to write you! I love to learn, I'm over school though. I am not a fan of writing about Socialism.

Boys (and no I will not call them men) have been random this week. One guy, who flirted with me heavily for half the month, got a girlfriend like 2 weeks ago, right? So I was like, ok...I'll back away with the flirting. Not only does he continue flirting (not a surprise), he decides to tell me something interesting today. He said, "You know, it would have never worked between us (pause)...well, actually I know it would have worked between us. Yeah, pretty much."

I said nothing, and kind of gave him this stare that said "WHY are you telling me this?" Then I just gave him a hug, what else was I gonna do?

Why are so many guys man whores???

I have other instances of other boys being random, but I won't bore you with details.

***

I'm ready to graduate. I've come to that conclusion. And I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind. Ahhhhhhhh...ok. This post makes NO SENSE (as usual). Excuse my jibberish.

Cough! Cough!

That's what I sound like...except I don't feel sick. So, like...I kinda put off seeing a doctor for a week and a half, right? And finally my mom yelled at me enough (oh moms...) and I found out that I have Bronchitis! Yayyyy!

Haha, oops...maybe I should have gone earlier *shrug*

See, there are the hypochondriacs, and then there's me, the complete opposite.

So I'm on some medication that makes me essentially allergic to the sun (eh, who needs the sun anyway...I can make it on my own!).

Other than that, it's been a busy, but alright week. It's that time of the year when you're kinda suffocated from essays and tests (but for me, it's phlegm). So yeah, that's my story for this week, hope all of you are well and in good health!

Yay for Gay Lance!!!

Ummm, meeting Lance was AMAZING. Seriously though, whenever you meet a member of the band you once adored...it's just SURREAL. So yeah, I got to talk with him, take a picture (err, multiple pictures) and honestly, it was one of the best days ever.

Yes, I am a nerd. Enjoy the pictures :)


Here's my friend Ali talking with Lance. She's always been enamored my him, so she lost it a little.

YAY for Lance!!!

Yeah, he's the gay one.

I'm going to a Lance Bass book signing today in L.A.

hehehe.

Once an *NSYNC fan, always an *NSYNC fan. Hopefully I can score pictures for you all to see :)

And The World, It Keeps On Spinning...

It's been a little smokey in San Diego recently (my friends and I have been joking "Look! We're in L.A.!)...but my parents' house is still standing. I know that we're lucky cause we were in the direct path of the fire. But even if my house had burnt to the ground, I would have moved on. In the end, a house is just a posession. Although we claim that it holds memories, our hearts are the true storage areas for those precious memories.

Sorry, that was cheesy.

I'm doing well. Life is going good for me. I'm not relying on any man to make me happy, and I think that's what is working best. Next time I "fall for somebody" I don't want to completely dive into their world, and lose mine. That's what happened last time, and that's why I got so sad when it didn't work out the way I had hoped so desperately.

Anyway, I'm off to have a few drinks with the girls. Come on, you know the song...girls do just wanna have fun.

hehe.

Yeah, It's Hot Down Here

Great. San Diego is on fire, again, and my parents' house got evacuated.

This seriously happened 4 years ago.

Dude.

Like a Ninja.

On Thursday night, me and my friends had an operation to fufill. It was OPERATION KIDNAP JENNY. Who is Jenny you may ask? And WHY did we kidnap her?

Well, I'll tell you.

Jenny is a friend of mine (for about the last 3 years) and is OBSESSED with her boyfriend. She spends EVERY waking moment with her boyfriend, and dude, I am not exaggerating in the least.

So me and the girls devised a plan to steal Jenny, as an intervention of sorts, to show that it's beneficial (and just plain good for the soul) to have a girls' night away from all men--those pigs!! (I kid).

We got the ok--and help--from her boyfriend Ryan. We dressed in all black. We broke into Ryan's house, handcuffed Jenny, gagged her, and of course, blindfolded the chick. Of course there was yelling and screaming in her face--we couldn't be nice kindnappers...

OPERATION KIDNAP JENNY was SUCCESSFUL!! And we got our point across...you can hang out with the girls!! And gurrrrlllll, we had our girls' night! Martinis, movies, munchies...the works.

I should, like, be in the CIA or something. I'm down for covert operations :)

If I were on Southpark...

It's meeeeee! I couldn't resist!

Dancing Shoes

WHY do I love watching Dancing With the Stars SOOOOOO MUCH?????

Wow, I'm a dork.

And...More importantly...WHY am I watching Dancing With the Stars when I should be studying for my midterm o'death on Thursday???

Eh, well if I'm gonna die, I might as well go out dancing.

Eye Candy

Is it too soon to have a crush on someone?

Maybe I'm allowing myself to go guy crazy because I broke away from the restraints of J. Soooo, maybe I have a crush on all the cute new boys.

But it's fun. So I'll just keep on flirtin'!

Strawberry Fields Forever

Across the Universe was amazing. Beautifully done. Go see it.

Switch

I'll be switching jobs in about a week and a half. I realized that my patience level for 20 kids at one time is not that high. Although they can be loveable, they can also be little demons.

Soooo, I'll be working at a smoothie shop. At the least, I'll be healthier, right? As each day goes by, I realize how much closer I'm coming to graduation. Kind of a freaky thought; however, I'm pretty ready for it.

I have a test today (boo). But somehow I'm still in a good mood.

Random self-realization: About a year ago, I was a weak person. The other day, my friend gave me a compliment--she called me strong. She said "I don't think I could be as strong as you." I've never gotten that compliment EVER in my life. But, it's true now. And that makes me smile.

Rejoice!

Awhile ago, I blogged about my dad and his cancer. Some of you may remember.

Amazing news: His cancer is gone. Which means, there are still some remains of it, but it is inactive.

This is crazy, and I'll tell you why. This is the type of cancer that was not supposed to be cured. It wasn't supposed to go inactive.

If you know someone with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, tell them about a treatment called Rituxan. Miracles will happen.

And people tell me there's no God.

I'm...

Joyful today.

That is all.

♥

What A Trainwreck

Maybe I'm the only one, but I feel bad for Britney Spears. She seems to be completely falling apart. And now she lost custody of her kids, which I understand. I swear, I think we're going to hear news of a suicide attempt soon.

It's sooooooo weird to see how much she's changed--I think this is proof that you should NOT put your children into showbusiness...they end up totally losing it.

And don't even get me started on the papparazzi and how much I think they're the scum of the earth.

I was never a big fan of Britney, but I honestly hope that she gets it together a little bit.

Chopity-Chop

Yeah, I got a new haircut. One, because yeah--I think girls do get haircuts during transitional times in their lives (refer to post below) and Two, because I get haircuts often anyway...I am a girl who desires change.

To Everything, There Is a Season

Turn Turn Turn.

Ok, so about my friend J that I've talked about most recently here.

I finally reached a breaking point and told him that I can't see him for awhile...by awhile I mean a few months, or more. Until I feel like I can again.

I realized what I knew already: I need lots of time away from him. This is so I can truly get over everything and truly forgive him. I love him, and I want to truly forgive him for everything.

I never ever thought I would find myself in this kind of situation in life. But that's why I love the Byrds song (they sang it, right?):

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time to build up,a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together...

This is the only way for me to move on. This is the best decision I've made in a long time.

Little Beasts

So, normally I love children. But certain children at the center I work at are starting to get on my nerves. Probably cause some of these children have been possessed by demons and are trying to steal my soul, or something like that.

Having to watch over a table of eight five-year-olds during lunch and force them to be polite and clean is a harder task than you may think. Sometimes, it makes me want to rip out my eye balls.

I'm just a little frustrated today because the kids, I swear, were all on meth--climbing up the walls and nonsense like that.

I'm a month into this job--I think that's probably the normal time frame in which you start to consider keeping it or not. Hmmmm....

He Knows Heartache

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
waking up is the hardest part.

So true, John Mayer, so true.

My Forecast

There's supposedly a storm a'comin to San Diego, and it gets me all giddy inside. I love rain. I envy the midwest with their elaborate thunder storms.

This week was interesting, this week was weird, this week was good, all rolled into one.

My friend J--yeah, the one that robbed me of my heart--he apologized for, well...everything. It started out with me telling him he's been a bad friend lately (which he has) and then all my anger coming out for all the leading on he did in the past (oh, and he REALLY lead me on). It's kinda a long story, but today, he held me while I cried about it.

I was about to kick him out of my life. Looks like that's not going to happen. There seems to be some people in your life that will never leave you, and you could never leave.

Life is just strange. At least I'm no longer sad about it...I'm in a transitional kind of phase.

I'll be moving on...this sadness is just a big ol' thunderstorm, causing some commotion in my life, causing some "rain" to fall on down, but it will clear up. It always clears up.

A Tribute:

My good friend Jaclyn has left for Tennessee...I just thought I'd post a few of our greatest (er, weirdest pictures) in order to remember all the good times. Miss ya Jack!

♥

If You're Bored...

I stole this from Ex-Everything...

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Unfortunately...a soap opera character on the Young & The Restless. What was my mom thinking?

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? The other day. I think I'm at a time in my life where I'm crying more than usual though. It's ok, it will pass.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Yeah. I was blessed, what can I say? :)

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Turkey if I have to eat lunch meat...definitely not my favorite. Welllllll, salami is pretty darn good.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? There is NO REASON to have kids at my age!!!!

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I believe so. I'm pretty trustworthy...and a dork. Come on, dorks make good friends.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Nooooooooooo, never.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? That I do. Probably why I hardly ever get sick. Good job tonsils!

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Heck no!!! Heights are NOT my friend.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? That's a hard one...I like Honey Bunches of Oats a lot. As a kid, Rice Crispies were great for the sounds...snap crackle pop, bitches!

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? In California, you wear flip flops. That's just the rule.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? I'm terribly weak, and too many of my friends take advantage of that fact!!!

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Mint Chocolate Chip, ohhhhhhh, how I LOVE thee!!!!

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Eyes, for sure. Green eyes are beautiful...and brown eyes? Like little puddles of melted chocolate chips. I told you I was a dork, I think of these things!

15. RED OR PINK? Red...what a fabulous bold color!!

16. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? That I am genuine. Why waste time being fake?

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My friend J, like I mentioned before. It's a matter of getting over that. I have faith that I will!!!!

18. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Light Blue capris and tan flip flops.

19. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? An AMAZING breakfast with my homie Jaclyn. Scrambled eggs with cheese (and tabasco on top--very necessary), pancakes (with a minimal amount of syrup on top...soggy food=bad food), sausage and bacon. Oh duh...and coffee!!!!

20. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Amy Winehouse, actually. The song "Back to Black" which sounds like good ol' Motown...I sense The Supremes in her songs.

21. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Purple (or violet). I adore that dark, luscious color!!

22. FAVORITE SMELLS? Gasoline. I have an addiction to perfumes. Vanilla floats my boat. Baked Cookies...mmmmmmm.

23. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? The boss lady.

24. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? On TV? Either basketball or soccer...the best sports!

25. HAIR COLOR? Brown/red, right now.

26. EYE COLOR? Blue.

27. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Yeah, oh gosh I have SUCH bad eyesight!!!!

28. FAVORITE FOOD? Spaghetti! With or without Meat-a-balls!

29. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy endings. Scary movies scare the BeJesus out of me.

30. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? hahahaha, South Park, Bigger Longer and Uncut. I own it and it is that amazing.

31. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? It's hard to describe...it's a blue and tan combination...with some brown? You'd have to see it in person.

32. SUMMER OR WINTER? Hard one. I hate the summertime in August, cause it's horribly hot!!!!! But the living is easy in the summer. And the winter...well, scarfs are my favorite!! I can't choose!!!

33. HUGS OR KISSES? Both. But hugs more so. I like to be held.

34. FAVORITE DESSERT? Simple--chocolate ANYTHING.

35. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? It's all about childrens' books! The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe.

36. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I don't have one right now...mine got ruined while moving.

37. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? I watched part of an episode of Mythbusters. Those crazy mo'fos!

38. FAVORITE SOUNDS? Rain for sure! The ocean. The sound of spoons hitting coffee cups at a breakfast place.

39. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles!!! Although I love the song Honky Talk Woman from the Stones...

40. WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Turkey. But in a way, that place is a home to me as well.

41. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I'm really good at drawing.

42. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? San Diego (like you, Ex-Everything).

Fill this out if you want to, I won't pick people. This is a long one!

Breakin' It Down

Embarrasing thing that happened today: I walked through the doorway of a house (crowded with people, may I add), tripped on something in the entrance and fell flat on my face on the tile. Smooooooooooth. I got the usual first response, "Are you ok?" and then laughter proceeded. Obviously I was laughing the loudest...what else can you do?

Good thing that happened today: I bowled amazing in my lane...beating all the guys. Helps when you get two strikes in a row. Yeah, I'm bragging...what?

Hard-to-determine thing that happened today: I saw my good friend J twice this week...weird after not seeing him for a few weeks. I don't know what to think about it anymore...it's weird, unsettling and comforting all at the same time when I see him. Does that make sense? Have you heard that song, "Almost Lover" by A Fine Frenzy? Well, I relate with that song...he is an almost lover to me. The closeness we once shared is slowly slipping away now, which is sad, but for the best.

Sorry, I'm rambling...that's because I'm still lost on what to do in this situation...let him completely out of my life? Would you?

Anyway...I got off track. Today was a good day. Oh, and I got to jump on one of those moon bounce things today :) Can you say AWESOME?

Peace Out ♥

Bright Are The Stars That Shine

Listening to "And I Love Her" from the Beatles. I love simple love songs...

I just dyed my hair this auburn/brown/red type of color...it's funny how easily I get bored with my hair. I waste months gorwing it out only to chop it off on a whim. I swear to not color again to avoid damage, only to go buy a box of Clairol Nice N' Easy the next day. I don't believe I'll ever make up my mind.

I've come to this conclusion...there are days when I feel like my world is falling apart, and I cry. And there are days where I'm estatic, and I convince myself I'm over all my issues. Then there are days like today, where I'm somewhere in between. Not sad, not happy, but complacent--knowing, in my heart, that I've gotten better than the day before. But that in itself, makes me smile. It is a feeling of empowerment, over the pain you once felt before...over the person that caused you the pain.

And all of a sudden you feel stronger. I feel stronger.

Those flashing lights come from everywhere...

Ahhhhh!!!!! VEGAS was AMAZING!!! Justin Timberlake was AMAZING!!!! I don't know if I could put it in words...so some pictures...

Ying and Yang

Soooo this week has been, not so great:

• It has been TOO HOT FOR LIFE. I am officially dying from the heat--wait, maybe it's the schoolwork.
• While we're mentioning schoolwork...school started. I am NOT READY.
• The power went out in my room, and is still out, despite my incessant phone calls to the office...how pleasant.
• I got in a car accident on the freeway, nothing too big. But my bumper is now falling off my car (geee...that's nice). At least it wasn't my fault.

BUT...BUT...BUT

There is a light at the end of this horribly dark tunnel...this is the weekend I get to go see Justin Timberlake LIVE IN VEGAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank God, cause I need a freakin break....dammit!!!!

Losing the Light

You held my hand
and took away my heart
by letting go of them.

I'm in an indigo mood.

Stars getting dim,
I ache for them to sparkle again.

Night sky reaching out to me...
I'm searching for the moon.
I dearly hope I find it soon.

Left in the dark,
can I create a spark?
Wanting to forget
you're the fire
I wish to start.

Heavenly

I had a dream last night that my apartment got set on fire. I came to a burnt-to-a-crisp room. That dream was soooooo realistic I woke up in a panic. Stupid bad dreams. Maybe it has to do with the thunderstorms in San Diego today, something funky happening in the air.

I'm excited today cause I'm going to the first service in our new church (we got one built).

It's funny, a couple of years ago I wasn't going to church at all...not interested anymore in the afterlife...and suddenly it's a big part of my life.

I guess there's a different dimension to every person that longs to know about the spiritual world...at least there is to me. All I know is...after I get back from church, I feel relaxed and hyper all at the same time. It gives me one of the best feelings in the world. Whether you are religious or not, spiritual or not, you can't really argue with a good feeling.

It's all in an attempt to be the best person I can be.

And my pastor is freakin' hilarious...a gregarious/charasmatic black man whose official title should be pastor/comedian. And dude, you just CAN'T argue with humor. That one is set in stone.

Ok, I'll Admit It...

I like Obama.

Darn his charasmatic nature!! I'm such a sucker for well-spoken men, hence one of the reasons I can't stand the current mess up for a president. Of course, liking someone for their crafty use of the english language is certainly not a reason to pick him as president.

I'll blame it on my love for poetry and good literature. Don't worry, I'll do more investigating past this superficial liking of Obama.

Oh Time, Where Do You Go?

It hit me just now...I start school on Monday. What??? When did this happen???

This is my last year!!! My last hectic first day of fall semester is going to come up...when the freshman are running into you on campus because they don't know quite where they're going. And you hear questions like "Where is Adams Humantities?" and you laugh because they don't even know the half of it (since that building's rooms don't go in order--smart, right?).

Books will cost me a fortune--again. Eh, oh well. Just one more year of this.

As much as I complain, I've always been a fan of school...buying highlighters and notebooks, relishing in the energy on campus, sun-bathing on the grass by the pond while waiting for a class, and just...learning. Yeah, cheesy, I know. But there's nothing better than a good class with a good professor that opens your mind to new ideas...

Well, there are things in life that are better, but it ranks pretty high, I'd say.

A Little Broken

Sometimes the pain I still feel
gets to me

Somedays I hide it better
than other days

Sometimes the sorrow consumes me
a little too easily

But I have hope that I can move on
from these shackles suffocating my heart

And one day, I'll be flying
in the presence of the stars
the radiance of their light
will be so contagious
I'll be shining, brighter than the sun, no doubt

I just need to shake this sadness
I think I need to take it day by day

Maybe I should really just let him completely out of my life
More and more that seems like the only option

And it just makes me cry.

Oh Dear God!

There's going to be a Flavor of Love 3???? Kill me now!

I feel like starting a petition to STOP THIS RIDICULOUS SHOW.

Hey VH1...whennnnnnnnn are you going to play music again??? Same goes for you MTV. Sometimes, I just can't believe the world we live in...

Boiling Point (in a good way, though)

There's definitely a heeeeeeat waaaaaaave going through San Diego right now. Darn Arizona for sharing their winds with us!!!

But the heat and the warmth are good--to cleanse me of last year and all of its coldness. My heart was beginning to turn into ice, but it's warming up now. I'm in the process of a defrost...

I am once again becoming a believer in the beauty and truth and radiance that surrounds my world (and your world too). And when you take that attitude, the flowers seem a little brighter, the water a little fresher and the grass a little greener (and on your side, not the other side).

Excuse while I proceed to go dance in the sun (but only for awhile, I don't want to get too sweaty, you know).

Natural Born Players

I started my first day at the Children's Center. I'm not a substitute, I actually have a position there now.

It's funny working with children and seeing their little personalities at such a young age...thus imagining what they will be like as adults. The boys are the best to watch--there are the clingy ones, the lovers, etc. One little boy with beautiful green/gold eyes and amazingly long eyelashes hung out with me today. To top it off he was a golden tan little mexican boy named Juanito. I WANT MULTICULTURAL CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!

What? They're adorable!

In other news, one of my very best friends, Jaclyn, is moving to Tennesse. She's gonna be too far away...ahhhhh! But I'm not too sad about it, cause I know that she will be a friend that will always be in my life. We're good at keeping in touch :) We're also really good at being big weirdos. haha, eh...that's life.

A Little Sunshine...

I had some Pink Panty Droppers last night at my friend's birthday party. Ohhhhh vodka, you are a strong little devil, especially for a girl that doesn't drink much. However, I ended taking care of my friend last night since her drink of choice was whiskey. Bad choice.

I still have multiple things to buy/fix/take care of in my new aparetment. I have a lamp, but I need a lightbulb for it...I have a shower curtain, but no shower curtain rod...I have dishsoap, but I seemed to have misplaced my sponge. Life is funny in that way, we're always looking for the one piece to complete the whole.

I applied to the Children's Center on my campus...I guess my job of choice has been with children lately. They told me I could start as a "floater," or substitute, since I don't have loads of experience. I'm excited to work there, though, because a) I like kids and b) The job is directly on campus. Location!!

Wow...I wrote a lot this week, more than I anticipated. Probably because both my roomates are gone and with solitude comes creativity. It's not a bad kind of solitude, either. Hope all your weekends are full of sunshine...

P.S. that reminds me...I FINALLY watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Goooooood movie. And trippy to boot. Aw, I love when movies end up being fantastic!

Rock your heart out.

I freakin' love this song. So I had to post it. Nuff said.

Seriously, now?

About the last post before this...the son actually called. You have to be kidding me!!!!!

hahahahaha!

Call Girl

No, I'm not becoming one. But just listen to my story...

I went to jury duty today, right? I didn't even get called (whew!); however, an interesting event did occur. I started to talking to an older man next to me and noticed that he had an accent. So my inquisitive side urged me to ask, "Where are you from?"

Man: Turkey.

Me: Ohhhhh, my mom is from Turkey too!!

So of course for the next 30 minutes we talked about Turkey (gosh I love that place). Then, this man brought up his son.

Man: You know, my son would like you...a lot. He's a good looking boy. Can I have your number so my son can call you?

Me: Excuse me?

Well...I couldn't say no. I just find it funny that fathers have the nerve to pimp out their sons to random girls in the jury duty lounge.

I'm still laughing over this. I'll laugh even more if he calls.

Hungry like the wolf.

Maybe one day I'll have my life together? I feel that life just gets more confusing as you get older. Maybe it's just your 20's that are horribly confusing. Nah, I think it's just life.

I wish I knew how to be less stressed over certain issues--money, the future, feelings of inadequacy.

I think I should take up drawing and painting again...when I mean again, I mean that I haven't done those things since I lived for recess and handball was my sport of choice.

I just want things to get better. Maybe I'll never be satisfied.

Rabbit Foot...anyone?

So my week has not been the greatest. A list of things:

• I got a parking ticket for not turning my wheels against the curb on a hill. Now, yes...I remember learning that tidbit about driving a LONG time ago...try when I was 16. But since then, I have forgotten. So I got a $47.00 ticket. A warning would have been nice, mr. asshole officer.
• I'm running extremely low on money. And money really stresses me out. I need to not let it though, but how does one go about doing that?
• To go along with the second point, I need another job, which I'm going out today to find. I'm going to try a cafe close to school.

Just one more yearrrrrrrrrr of this and I'll graduate. Then I'll kick butt in my career. I'm just a little stressed now but I know I will pull through. I always do. And I've got the dreamer's disease. That's not a bad thing in my book.

Olly Olly Oxen Freeze!

I'm moved in. I feel better. Now I just gotta put things away. ha.

Alllllllllllright Miss Rubber Soul, I'll follow the sun with you and play your little game of tag.

Each player lists 8 facts/habits about themselves. The rules of the game are posted at the beginning before those facts/habits are listed. At the end of the post, the player then tags 8 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog," and so on and so on and so on.

1. I am a huge HUGE fan of South Park. It's crude and dirty and ridculous...and absolutely brilliant.

2. When I was 2 years old, I would pass up ice cream for a bowl of clam chowder.

3. I believe the color purple is the best color in the whole world and may have healing powers--yeah, it's that beautiful.

4. I listen to Marvin Gaye after a hard/stressful day.

5. I don't have the heart to eat lobsters.

6. Chocolate is ALWAYS the right answer in my book.

7. I despise tailgaters. Those fools should just go around.

8. I think "Rainbow Connection" is honestly a pretty song, sung by no other than Kermt Theeee Frog.

Ok, I tag: Anthony, Thomas, Ashley...well, I only have three to tag. So have fun, if you want :)

Under Pressure

I'm a little stressed right now.

Why? Plain and simple...I'm moving to a new apartment.

Packing and transporting your life to a different location is not a fun event.

Books, Planes and Extraordinary Things

I'm reading the Chronicles of Narnia. Yeah, the entirety of the Chronicles. I had never read them before, not one, and when my friend Kendal learned this fact, proceeded to hand me a stack of books. I'm only on the first one--The Magician's Nephew--but I read 50 pages last night, because it's just that good.

I'm going on vacation on Tuesday with my parents. Seattle and Canada. I'm excited to go on a plane, because planes thrill me to the core, especially take-off.

It's funny to write this post after my oh-so-deathly-serious post last time. But I'm moving on from the past as best I can. I've got places to see and better things to do with my time than obsess over a boy. My heart desires the sky right now.

the final word

So, for the past few months (or maybe more), I've been extremely quiet on my love life. The last guy I mentioned was Sweater Guy, which feels like ages ago--and he's just my friend now, fittingly.

But now, I feel like it's time for me to open up about someone that has consumed a little too much of my thoughts. I finally feel ready to write this down, and maybe finally write it out of my heart.

I have a guy best friend--his name starts with a J, so we'll go with that--who has been a major presence in my life for the last year or so. When my dad was diagnosed with cancer, he was there to hold me. When I was having a bad day, I'd wander over to his house (he lives down the street) for a hug or laugh.

Consequently--through time and a gaining sense of closeness--I really fell for this guy. And really, I had never fallen for anyone before. There was just one huge HUGE problem, one that should have sent an instant signal to my brain to stop these feelings as soon as possible. This guy has a girlfriend (fiance now). I knew it was wrong to want him, but I convinced myself that I couldn't change what was in my heart--after all, this was not some random guy, this was my confidant, my good friend.

Nothing happened physically, but emotionally there was a connection between us that I believe crossed the line. He made it known that in another time, another place, he'd be with me. That's something he should have never said. That's something that I held onto for too long.

When he proposed to his then-girlfriend in May, man...my heart shattered. I won't lie about it. So if you go back and read some of my posts then, and feel a sense of depression, well that's why.

I'm writing about this now because it finally feels good to write it out. I cried many tears over it and to tell it to you all helps my soul. And most of all, I want to write this sentence out, so I can re-read it and realize that it's absurd:

I feel that if I give him up, and the idea of being with him, I'll never fall in love again, never get married and moreover, never be happy again.

Writing that out, I laugh. It's just not the truth. But isn't that where fear of heartache stems from?

I realize now, writing this, that I will one day find a man that loves me so much, I'll love him ten times more than J. Cause J loves me as a friend, but he just doesn't love me enough to be with me. I deserve more than that, and it's finally something that I'm starting to believe day by day.

Alright, that was long. But it felt good to say. Clearing the mind works wonders, and maybe my heart can start to really heal as a result of it.

i can hardly contain myself

So you may roll your eyes as this, but as I've mentioned before...I was always a big *NSYNC fan back in the day. Sadly, my little boy band has broken up since their glory days, but there have been a couple boys that have had solo careers. One of those boys, in case you didn't know his name, is JustinTimberlake. Hmmm...have you heard of him? Yeah--he's not that well known, so here's a picture:

So my roomate Ali and I (she's also a former boy band fan) were perusing the internet for concerts to go to--lo and behold, Justin Fucking Timberlake is having a concert (yeah, that's this middle name).

Yeah, the tickets were overpriced. And yeah, Justin has become pretty overproduced. But I love him so--can you tell he was my favorite *NSYNC member? So I have to support my past loves, you know?

The best part? The show is in Vegas on September 1st, at the Mandalay Bay.

Ohhhh man, this should be interesting.

Jaclyn and I had this great conversation over Greek food today. Well, maybe it wasn't as great as it was intellectual and depressing, but it was a deeper conversation that usual.

Some background: Jaclyn is a conservative. I am not. But we agreed upon one thing today:

America is so corrupt. Not that you didn't know that for yourselves, but once we started to list all the things it is corrupt for...well, we had to stop. It was just too much.

Politicians don't have souls. Yes, I've come to that conclusion. They use various groups at various times to get what they want--just shifty chameleons that alter their personalities and beliefs in order to bribe you for your vote.

All in turn for what? Power...money...more corruption. As much as I've been into the politics before, for all I've learned, they've definitely turned me off.

Really, how can people be so horrible? Again I say, they possesseth no souls!!

Sorry to rant about this...but it disgusts me, and makes me so sad for the country we've become. Or maybe the country we've always been? Has everything been one big mockery? It's quite possible.

sun kissed

Just a few pictures I wanted to share from the past few days...

There was actually a man on the beach with a metal detector. And I thought I only saw that in cartoons :)

My sister's cat Blossom decided to get close-up and personal with the camera.

At the beach on the Fourth. Yeah--it was crowded. And I was there for 9 hours!!

My roomates and I went to go see Ratatouille, thus a picture of acting like rats was in order.

***

I just wanted to share some summer randomness :)

yogi would be proud

I'm going for a picnic today...yeah you heard me right, a picnic. With a basket and blanket and everything picnic related. So whaddaya want to say about it?

Random note to share with you all: Tulips come from Turkey (obviously a favorite place of mine) and is a Turkish word for "hat."

Well NO WONDER I was always so fond of those little flowers. I mean, I've always been drawn to them. Life always seems to make complete sense at one point or another...sometimes you don't get the connecting puzzle pieces until much later, but they always come.

life is a highway

It's funny cause my last post was about how I haven't traveled in AGES. But this past week I got to go to Santa Barbara...drove there and everything. I really love driving, and I just needed to get away from San Diego for awhile.

The trip was successful. Santa Barbara is a way mellow-er version of SD. And I got to see my nephews and sister. Always a good thing!

I really love summer. And I am getting tanner by the day (naturally, thank you). I'm excited for the Fourth cause that will require another trip to the beach (which will be EXTREMELY crowded, but it's a tradition of sorts).

i'm lookin to the sky to save me

I went to the beach a couple weeks ago, and as I was lying in the sand, I watched about 4 commercial airlines fly on over the then-placid pacific.

A twinge of jealousy came over my body, and I asked myself "I wonder where those lucky fools are going?" I wished so badly that I could be on those planes...

Flying, traveling, changing scenery...it all makes me so happy.

At least I'll be going to Victoria (Canada) in about a month with the parents. I get to fly, yay!! My little heart is happy about that.

ain't got no ring on this finger.

Dude...can I just say that I HOPE my husband looks like Jon Bon Jovi when he reaches that age. Honestly now, just look at him:

**Venting session now begins**

But let me just clarify...I don't want to get married ANYTIME soon. But apparently, lots of people my age do. And I think they've completely lost it.

Now, I've never been the girl to be into marriage or the idea of marriage. I don't know what kind of dress I'm wearing, I don't know what kind of ring I want and I don't know where I'm having my wedding. Why plan all that nonsense out before I even have a fiance?

I've always been the girl that believes that your 30's are a good age to get married (if you're even ready, that is). So I knew I would be criticized someday for being...different. However, I didn't know the criticism would start this early. Just read this conversation I had with my friend Josh the other day:

Josh (turns to me): Ashley, I think it's time that you meet a nice guy and get married soon.

Me (shocked look on my face): Are you kidding me right now?

Josh: No, I'm serious. I mean, you don't want to be too old when you get married, right?

Me: Josh, I'm only 22. Besides, I don't want to get married until I'm much older...like at least my late 20's to my 30's.

Josh: Yeah, but do you know how dangerous it is for women in their 30's to have children?

Me: Ohhhhh my gosh. We are just not having this conversation right now.

Are people my age losing their minds? He's not the only one with marriage on the brain. Another friend of mine is getting married soon as well...next year to be exact. He's 23 right now. He's definitely not ready. And I have two roomates that believe they should be married "by the time they're 25, at least."

I just don't understand this fascination/obsession with marriage. You would think, in modern times, that it would be less of an issue to be married right out of college. But girls (and boys) are still brainwashed. I don't know if it is out of panic or just sheer foolishness...but I believe too many people I know are getting married for the wrong reasons.

And what's the point to getting married this young? Why not wait a few years? I hope to never fall into the whole marriage trap. I was born a rolling stone...naturally hungry for travel and life and exploration...it's gonna take a lot, and someone amazingly wonderful to get me to slow down and have a family. But right now, I'm 22 and not even THINKING about marriage!!!!!!!!! I don't think I can add anymore exclamation points to that statement!

**venting session has now ended**

can you hear the blues?

I bought the Amy Winehouse CD. Yeah, it's all it's cracked up to be.

Listening to it, I feel as though I'm in a smoke-filled lounge, sitting on some dust-covered antique furniture, closing my eyes cause the haze is so thick...all the while listening to some great Motown.

Some stand-out tracks? "Love is a Losing Game" and "Wake Up Alone." Well, as you can tell, it's a sad album. But those end up being the best kind, I think. They always come straight from the heart. Same reason why I always loved Marvin Gaye...

***
However, I don't share Amy's disposition. Summer is going well. Going well, indeed.

music of my heart

Can I just say, I love pianos and violins. Pianos are better than violins, hands down. But violins are still amazing. They make my heart sing.

That was random, but such is the way I write.

I got the job with the childcare service. I even got a purple purse/bag thingy to tote around toys for the kiddies...I was highly excited that it was purple, seeing as that is my favorite color in the world.

I'm excited to enter a new chapter of my life. It's funny to see things change right in front of you, as if they're not happening to you. Does that make sense? What's funny is I'm completely in control, the author of all the changes. weiiiiirrrrrrrrd.

catching some rays

Summer is turning out to be as healing as it promised to be. There's something about going to the beach, laying out in the sun, and taking a minute to look around at your surroundings that really relaxes the soul.

Summer Reading: The Da Vinci Code to see what all the fuss was about...entertaining read so far.

Summer Job: Applying to work in childcare. I know, it requires a lot of patience. But it's a different kind of patience one must have to work with customer service. And I am so over customer service...

Summer Plans: The beach. At least 2 to 3 times a week. What a mantra to live by!! I just have to avoid sunburns...haha, that's hard for a white girl like me!!!

every little thing, is gonna be alright

So Jaclyn and I saw Pirates the other night (with all the crazies that dressed up as pirates, haha)...I must say, it was actually pretty good. I didn't have high hopes, cause the second one disappointed me greatly. Just don't go seeing it too late at night, cause that sucker is 2 hours and 47 minutes long!!! (You know, and Jack and I went to go see it at 12:30 am...smart!).

Today, I heard yet another report about a teen star getting a DUI (Lindsey Lohan)...it makes me sad to see girls so lost in a glass world of pleasing others, losing themselves in substances and becoming a shell of their former selves...eventually that world shatters into a million little pieces. So sad, so sad.

***
Anyway, tomorrow is Memorial Day (Yay!) and my Dad's birthday (Yay!). So beach in the morning? Dinner at night? Sounds like a good day...

tap dance on my little heart

Two things:

1. Maroon 5's album is oh-so-amazing!!!!!! They are just an amazing band that always have the most beautiful melodies in their songs, I swear.
2. I watched the finale of Dancing With the Stars. I have been religiously watching this show because of Joey Fatone (many of you know about my NSYNC addiction of the past). Well, sadly Joey did not win. But he got second, which is still amazing. And the winner, Apolo Anton Ono, is a smashing dancer, so it's justified.

I just want to say, today was a much better day than I realized it would be. Breaking free from a trapped feeling takes time...each day I will get better and expand my mind and life into brilliance. Sometimes it's just your state of mind you have to change...

changes are necessary

Hmmmm...so Ron did kind of call it. My life right now has been kind of blah. I feel like I'm kind of trapped in a place I don't want to be in anymore. I don't know if I can really explain further...it's just the state of mind I'm in.

Things have to change this summer. They simply have to change.

***
On a less depressing note (ahem)...Maroon 5's album is OUT!!!!!!! Must buy. Must buy. Must buy.

Hello...Goodbye

So I did get the job at Costco.

I worked there today. I absolutely hated it. I quit today.

It was one of those things I could tell would make me miserable. So I didn't stay a second longer, no matter how much they pay.

Plus, I asked if I could be off on Sundays at a certain time because of church. They told me no. What is that? That job had to go!!!

Soooo, now I have to look for a new job. Eh, it's worth my happiness.

Sundays make me smile.

Today is a great day. I haven't had a great day in awhile.

1. I went to church this morning, it gave me peace of mind.
2. It's sunny out, and my white, white pale skin is over joyed that it can become tanner.
3. I don't have to work today...that's always a plus.
4. In two days, summer is going to be here for my finals will be over :)
5. It's Mother's Day and I'm going to take my mom to a little cafe for lunch/dinner.

So today I have reasons to smile, relax and remember that I'm lucky to be alive...cause sometimes I forget about all those things...sometimes I'm very down on myself. It's time to snap out of it!!!!

diggin the new tunes

Mandy Moore has a new song out. I totally like it...what the heck?

"And now I'm ready, and now I'm ready, and now I'm ready to be...extraordinary..."

Maybe cause I'm ready to be extraordinary. Just a a little subdued star ready to shine a little brighter.

deadly mistakes

I found out today that a 19-year-old sorority girl from my college died last night from alcohol poisoning (they assume, at least). How unfortunate...how unnecessary.

I realize that I will in fact freak out as a parent. Wouldn't you? I'll probably be a over-protective, annoying mom that checks up on my kids every five seconds. But I think that's not really a bad thing now is it?

.......

School is almost over. Almost. Almost. Almost. Costco hasn't called back. *crossing my fingers*

I come bearing good news...

First. That HORRIBLE group project I've been complaining about to which I was a slave? It's over and we got one of the highest grades in the class.

Second. I applied to Costco a few days ago and today got a call back. I have yet to set up an interview, but I'm pretty confident that I'll do well. This will be a good job to have until graduation next year cause, well, Costco pays really well.

So today I'm pretty happy. I'm becoming more relaxed, for summer is approaching and soon I can just sleep all day long!!!!! And go to the beach. Yeah, that too.

Whew!

Sicky-poo

Did I just write that for the title?

I'm delirious...and sick. very very very sick.

I feel dizzy.

I have stories to tell about going to an orphanage in Mexico and California Adventure (not in Mexico)...haha. I'll write that later though when I am clear-headed.

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo delrious right now.

Almost There

I'm counting down the days till summer, and going crazy in the process.

I just want to go lay on the beach!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At least I have my chocolate. But where's my sanity?

A few things to say:

• Today is sucky and stressful. A mixture of 2 tests and procrastination will do that to you. There are days that I kinda wish I was a druggie to calm myself down...oh wait, I am. I am a choco-holic. Believe me, it IS an addiction.
• That leads me into what is making me happy right now: chocolate. Most likely because I gave it up for forty days (you know, that little thing called Lent). Seriously, I OD'ed on it on Easter, ate myself half a pack of Oreos. It was the most satisfying stomach ache I've ever had.
• Did you watch Dancing with the Stars last night?????? JOEY KICKED ASS. Oh, my little Nsync star is doing SOOOOO well!! yay!!
• A couple days ago my tire blew out. That was fun (not really). At least 3 guys stopped to help me. It's kinda cool to know that there are still good people out there, even in a time-obsessed country.
• For people who like football: LT was at my church on Sunday, which was kinda cool. If you don't know who he is, he's the MVP of football this year. He's a funny guy that apparently likes to wear crocodile shoes (I kid you not).

So that's been my life for the last week and a half. I feel all over the place--kind of like I'm ADD. Maybe I've been eating too much Chocolate...

nahhhhhh. That's never the case.

I'm SUCH a Gangsta...

couldn't you tell that by my profile picture?





Kudos to those who really realized that I'm just a huge dork.

Yeah, but life is funner knowing that you're a nerd and embracing it. You know it's true.

The Cave--and I don't mean the allegory.

I kid you not. And you'll think I'm a nutcase when I say this: My friend Jaclyn and I went into a cave over the weekend.

Yeah, a cave--mud caves in the desert to be exact. This is how this went down:

me: Jack, you wanna go for a hike on saturday?

jack: Sure...well, I was looking up things to do...how would you feel about going into mud caves in the desert?

me: Excuse me?

So...yeah. We went into caves. There's nothing else I can say about this. But here are a few pictures...

This is a freakin' cave. There's no mistaking it.

View from in the cave looking up through a hole. So this is what it's like to live like a terrorist...

So, I got a little dirty.

Pictures of Happyland!

Disneyland/Happyland/Feels-like-your-on-drugs-land...eh! it's all the same thing:

I cut my hair...like it? This is my friend Nic (a.k.a Melee--they all have nicknames). We look happy because...well, duh. We're in Disneyland!!!

My friend Darko (that's his nickname, cause he kinda looks like Jake Gyllenhall) and I right before going on It's a Small World. Why are we smiling? That ride kills me everytime!!

Look at the prettttttttty castle!

Mickey is PURPLE!!!!! You can't get better than that...ahhh, I have an obsession with that color.

Ohhhhh man, I love that place.

Play me a song.

Sometimes sad songs really have a way of touching the soul. Like a bee sting beneath the skin.

I love this song:

"Littlest Things" by Lily Allen

Dreams, Dreams
of when we had just started things
Dreams of me and you
It seems, it seems
that I can't shake those memories
I wonder if you feel the same way too...

It probably helps that there's a piano in the backround. And, for whatever reason, I like to hear British people sing.

Happiest Place on Earth, Fo Sho!

I'm just bragging, I guess, but...

I'm going to Disneyland tomorrow!!!!

YAY.

Sundays are the best.

Ok, I had a MUCH better day today.

I chopped off a lot of my hair, it's super short!! I have to get used to it, but I love haircuts!

Went to a good church servie (my pastor is hilarious), and later hung out with the boys and watched Mean Girls--hey, it was their choice.

So my Sunday was easy, relaxing...and just what I needed.

Seeing red.

ahhhhh! I'm having one of those days when I'm slightly stressed. A few reasons why:

I hate having to be nice to stupid customers. I hate when "friends" don't call you back when they're supposed to. I hate being in one place for too long...I need a vacation!! I'm tired of hearing about death...3 people in the last week and a half. Geeeeeeez.

I'm just venting here, but sometimes I think that life is too much of a hassle...sometimes I wish I could just hibernate through the difficult phases...but then I'd never learn anything, right?

Eh, life should just shove it right now.

When that brandy hits my mouth...

Words from Robin Thicke are above, not me, haha.

This is a short post, with a short message. If you want to do yourself a favor download "Everything I Can't Have" by Robin Thicke. It's a BAD ASS song. And I mean BAD ASS.

Dancing with the FATONE!

ok. ok. ok. So I'm actually gonna admit this. I watched Dancing with the Stars last night. Deeeeeep breath.

hahaha...I've never watched this show before, for the record.

But as I've mentioned before...I "used" to be a HUGE *NSYNC fan. So when I heard that Joey Fatone would be on the show, I was estatic. If you love a band once in your life, then you love them forever...don't you agree? Although Justin was my ultimate "favorite," I definitely loved all the members.

And wouldn't you know, Joey tore up the dance floor!!! HECK yes. He did me proud and got the highest score. That's riiiiiiiiiiiight.

This oddly puts a smile on my face :)

Miss Productive

I'm actually not being sarcastic in my title. I'm actually being productive. Well, not at this very moment. But overall, I am.

First, I woke up for that hideous group project I mentioned earlier, went to our first group meeting at 9am. We made our contract...yeah, we had a contract. I meant it when I said this was the group project from hell!!!!

Came home around 10:30, made some coffee (of course) and decided to study for my test tomorrow. Usually I'm the disheveled one, hair tattered and torn, studying last minute for a highly stressful, very important test. Today, I'm taking the extra day...a sunday, of all days.

So I'm studying now (well, in a minute I will go back to it). Listening to my radiohead (playlist is on shuffle, wonder who's next?) and making flashcards. I'm giving myself a big ol' pat on the back.

P.S. I bought the new James Bond movie a couple days ago. Watched it twice. I decided that he needs to take me now.

To waste the day away in the sun is a splendid thing.

Today my roomates and I had ambitions of going to the beach (to frolic and lay about--you know, the usual). But alas, I think it may be too cold on the coast, although sunny inland (a normal problem out-of-staters don't know about). Maybe we'll go to the pool instead, but it's just not the same.

This summer I may be going to Turkey. It's not for sure, but I'm thrilled. I love that place. And seriously, I need to get out of America. When is 2008 coming??? Bush needs to leave, Dear God!

Sometimes, I feel like this little half-broken leaf (here comes a life analogy). You know, go-where-the-wind-takes-me kind of thing. And thus, I feel a bit fragile. But we are all fragile, aren't we? It's just a matter of finding a way to make yourself internally stronger.

Ah, I have so much to learn in life, so much.

I can feel it.

ohhhh-nooooo. I'm getting sick. I can feel it in my throat. I have developed a cough.

I hate getting sick! Well, so does everyone. But there are the people that get sick all the time, and then there are the people who hardly get sick (and thus their sickenesses are massive). I'm the latter of the two.

Ohhhh, sickeness, go away!!

Random note: why do people pierce the back of their necks? I would NOT trust someone with a needle by my spine! Also, in my class, I noticed that a girl sitting next to me had something shiny right above her cleavage (in the middle)--it was a piercing. Why?

Ohhhhhh Shoot!

I'm proud of myself today, for my pretty little butt bowled a 120.

Now, I know that there are several bowling pros out there reading this that bowl way over that...but keep in mind that when I started out I bowled in the 50's.

Yeah, I'll brush my shoulders off now...

Is it time for Spring Break yet?

So, definitely the amount of school work I'm gonna have to do in the next month is overwhelming me right now.

The biggest burden I have to carry is a group project from hell that requires multiple meetings throughout the week, proposals, surveys and focus groups...should I go on? It's insane. Forget that I have other classes and work....

and so, again, when will spring break get here????? I NEED you right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My heart is sighing...

And all you see, is where else you can be when you're at home...

Death Cab, you speak to my heart sometimes. This week has been hectic. I wish I could just fly away sometimes...into the night and into the galaxy.

I'm not sad. I just want to be more free right now. If that makes sense. These wings are yearning to take flight. They'll get there someday.

My "Birfday"

Yeah, I have some interesting pics from my birthday. Take a look into my weird life...

All my friends going to dinner with me!! I made them dress up, haha.

At the restaurant they put straws in my hair...attractive, right?

We're really just weird...and well, we had a few at this point.

These are my roomates!!! Aren't we cute? Not to be cocky...

So yeah, that was my birthday...I am now officially 22. "Double Deuce" as my friend Colin told me. Birthdays are pretty much amazing cause you rule the world on those days. Now my reign is over...until next year!!

ohhhhhh mondays...

what can I say about mondays besides that they kill me sometimes?

I'm listening to "No Rain" by Blind Melon right now. Most people can agree that it is in fact a fabulous song.

And I don't understand why I sleep all day
and I start to complain that there's no rain
and all I can do is read a book to stay awake
and it rips my life away
but its a great escape

Sometimes I just want to escape...into the sunset, into the rain...into a place that's a colorful solace.

On a happier-non-complaining note, it's my birthday this saturday and I will be 22. I'm going to a 50's-ish diner and requiring that all the girls going with me will have to wear dresses. Just because. :)

This just tickles me pink.

Natasha Bedingfield has a new song called "I Wanna Have Your Babies."

It says, and I quote, "I wanna have your babies/get serious like crazy/I wanna have your babies/I see them springing up like daisies..."

hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!

Oh my gosh. That is sooooooooo great. And crazy. But alas, girls do think like this. At least, I have...haha, ohhhhhh...maybe I'm crazy?

hahahaha, oh this gave me a great laugh today...

It's like poetry.

Like a warm drink it seeps into my soul...

WHAT a great line. seriously now.

Rain down, rain down...on me.

Rain is splendid...it's pouring in san diego. Pouring. You don't get it...it never pours in san diego, it sprinkles...and we call that rain. My roomate went on campus today and came back to say that NO ONE is on campus right now. That's cause Californians think they'll melt in the rain.

Well, I adore it, personally. I welcome the rain to come down from the sky and wash away my worries into the drain. I love the whole renewal process of the rain.

By the way, I have some random news about Sweater Guy that made me feel good about the whole situation...

So many of you know that I had a huge thing for Sweater Guy a LONG time ago, right? And I was always confused as to why nothing happened. So, I went out with one of his good friends yesterday, and this is how the convo went:

Sweater Guy's Friend (SWF): Did you ever like Carlos?

Me: Yeah...a long time ago...why?

SWF: Well. Awhile ago Carlos talked about you and said you had a little thing going on. But he couldn't start anything then cause he was taking a vow of complete celibacy then and that included not dating girls...at all (Sweater Guy is really religious, by the way).

Me: Ohhhh, things make sense now.

SWF: But yeah, he told me that he always regretted never dating you. So yeah, I just had to tell you.

Now...I don't like Sweater Guy in that way anymore...but it's good to know why I was so confused over everything. It's kind to cool to know, right?

So, that's all the news I have today. I'm going to attempt to study for a test that I have...today. Shoot! I need to get on that. ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, procrastination!

P.S. If you don't like Robin Thicke's "Lost Without You" then you're just not sexy.