The world it moves so fast today...

and we move just as quickly, don't we?

Life is so precious, but as a busy culture, it's like we refuse to acknowledge that fact. I feel like I'm learning so much now--about life and love...hopefully I don't get caught up in the quickness again. It's so easy to do that.

I found out that I friend of my friend committed suicide yesterday. He hung himself. I didn't know him personally...

but can you imagine? Knowing someone that has committed suicide? Maybe you do already. That would rip me apart.

I'm so thankful that I got to spend another day with my father today. Each moment is soooooo special with him. Especially when your father is as funny/charismatic/wondeful as mine.

I'm pretty lucky, to have been given a new light to see life with. Pretty lucky, to still have moments with my father. I'm pretty lucky, indeed.

Ch-ch-changes

Merry Christmas to all!

So I changed the colors to my blog, it was about time. I figure, a new year=time for changes.

My first new year's resolution (others may be added on later):

1. Don't be so stressed. More importantly, learn how to smile again.

Hope everyone is enjoying their holidays!!

Sigh of Relief

I went to my dad's first cancer treatment today.

It wasn't as bad as I thought...it wasn't really anything like I thought.

You step into a room full of people with chairs and IVs in their veins, right? And you would think it would be kind of freaky, but it actually calms you down a little, cause you look around the room and realize, "hey! other people are going through this too."

My dad did wonderfully. No side effects. He's basically a champ.

I'm not gonna lie...I was scared out of my mind. Although a small percentage, they told us that 7/1000 people die with the very first injection. So of course, for the first hour you're on the edge of your seat wondering what could happen.

But things are calmer now for me. I know how this treatment stuff works now, and now, I just have to hope it does its magic on my dad's cancer. I believe it is quite possible.

All that I know...

So, I finished finals. Hooooooorayyyy! And I'm going to Rosarito this weekend with my parents (very random). I'm soooooooo relieved that I get a five-week break. I can't emphasize that ENOUGH.

I feel like I've lived a lot more this semester...should I put it that way? I feel like I have a broader exprience of life, to put it another way. My heart has been torn apart in every which way. But yet, it's still in tact. How is that possible? I guess I can call myself somewhat resilient now.

If there's one thing I've learned in the past few months, it's that life reallllllllly hurts. I understand real sadness now. Ohhhh man, do I. Because I'be felt that, I feel empowered. For once, I feel like I know real strength, through real sadness. If that makes sense.

***
Random things that happened today:

• there was an armed robber on the loose in my parents neighborhood and a gazillion helicopters flying about looking for him. Kind of amusing/scary.
• I was play-fighting with a girl at my work (I hang around too many boys) and she charged me and ended up hitting me in the nose with her face. I kid you not. I now have a fun little bruised bump on my nose. People will think I've been beaten...hehehe.

Life...is funny, sad, happy, draining, exciting....is it always such a rollercoaster? I guess I will see.

ok...

for those of you that use "beta blogger" or whatever it's called...I seriously can't comment on your blogs!!!!!!! This includes anthony, mcmullan and rubber soul. So yeah, just know that I would like to comment on the lovely blogs you posted but have been forbidded to do so :( <---sad face! In other news, I have one more final left before my five-week break that I need oh-so-badly. Last night was a good release...went to a bon fire. My big bro (not my real brother) tried to throw me in the ocean. He didn't succeed...I kicked and punched him. That's what you get when you mess with me!!!

Sooo yeah, I'm doing better. My dad starts treatment on the 21st...which is soon. I'm nervous and relieved all at the same time.

P.S. Anthony, you knew exactly who sweater guy was...good job :)

a few pictures...

here are a few pictures from my life from the past few weeks...I just like showing pictures, so bear with me...





you all asked me who sweater guy is...well, can you guess which one he is? I'll give you a pat on the back...

You really can't hold me down, suckers!

I feel better. Things are better already. I don't want anyone to worry about me...I took a few things hard, but I bounced back.

Life has some really dark moments. But it also has some really beautiful moments.

I'll say more about this later...I'm just going to get through finals. I want everyone to know that I'm ok, and ready for dancing tonight! I looooooove dancing. I'll explain where I'm going later :)

Alright Matt, I'm updating. I couldn't take that big internet insult you were about to slap on me.

I feel...a little hollow inside to tell you the truth. I'm not depressed, but I'm upset, and I've been upset for awhile.

What's wrong, you ask?

Obviously, it started with my dad and cancer.

And then I got super jealous over my friend and how much attention he was or wasn't giving me (which I never do...I swear!). And yet he still consoles me and puts up with me, even though I've continued to be erratic and insane.

Lastly, there's my sorority. Now people who aren't in sororities might laugh at what I'm about to say, cause they wouldn't understand. But my sorority has always been different. We're...funky, crazy, different. We've always been the anti-sorority, sorority. For that reason, we're smaller than our nationals would have liked (our national council, that is). So what National Council is doing is kicking us out of our sorority and putting new people in the sorority. Does that even make sense?

I feel stupid explaining it cause it sounds so CRAZY.

Basically I feel like I keep losing people and things that are important to me. I feel threatened. I feel like I need a release!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I'm coming to a point where I'm realizing that if I don't take control of this situation I will become actually depressed. It's time to take myself out of this mind frame.

Where is that strong confident girl that I once was??? I know she's still inside. I've just been slapped with some major blows that have hurt...oh, how they've really hurt me!! But I will remain as strong and hopeful as I can.

Do I believe in a higher power? Yes, yes I do. I'm praying now...

On the Rollercoaster

I feel like....I've been falling apart a little this semester. In an emotional sense, that is.

I've never been so scared in my life.

I feel extremely vulnerable just writing that. That's the word for me in the past few months: vulnerable. I hate that freakin' word.

You see, I've always been the logical girl...the level-headed one. People always come to me for advice cause, well, I'm un-biased and LOGICAL. But these past few months, I've been dramatic, frantic, illogical and unlike myself.

Maybe I've been "different" because this is the first time I've encountered anything that has truly challenged my heart. Two things: The thought of losing my dad, and me getting jealous over my friend (which isn't completely solved, by the way). I obviously have this great fear of losing people. That's probably my greatest fear in life.

I've never cried so much. And while it really hurts when I'm in that moment of pain, I realize how much stronger I am. I really do. It's strange. Life is just really strange, and I kind of wish I were a bug...or some stupid animal who doesn't have feelings/emotions. Or so we think, anyway.

I guess, however, that I can't say that completely. Because when life is good, it's REALLY good. And at least I can say that I've truly loved other people.

The Remedy

That jealousy problem...it's fixed. Talking about my "feelings" worked wonders...which I never do cause I close up and never express when I'm angry. So I need to learn how to tell someone when they're upsetting me.

So yeah, I feel better.

Needs Work:

I realize that I get jealous easily...I need to work on that. My day would have been better if I hadn't let myself get jealous...but that's just it. Jealousy is not an emotion that's easily controlled.

How do you make yourself not care?

I'll put you in a choke-hold.

Ahhhhh! It's raining and I looooooove the rain SO MUCH. I know I say that everytime it rains, but I just can't help it. I get excited.

I went to a self-defense workshop today. I now know how to do a choke-hold on a rapist (if he was laying above me). The instructor, however, was gorgeous...I would not perform the choke-hold on him...hahaha.

Random Note: I just want to ask...why do people get into relationships just for the sake of a relationship? Are people that needy? Are people really that fake that they feel the need to fill the void of lonliness with just anyone?

I know I have multiple crushes (yes, anthony, we've been over this)...but one thing I'll NEVER do is settle. And I never have. A friend of a friend said it best, "I'm going to be alone until someone worthwile pulls me out of it."

Duhhhhhh. That's the way it's supposed to be.

Alright, I'm done with my story/rant of the day. Thankyavermuch.

The Donkeys kicked Elephant!

Ohhhhhh Snap! I did not expect Democrats to take the House...it fully shocked me. And they might even take the Senate? Craz-i-ness.

Soooo I sort of did a happy dance when I found out. Not cause all my ideals fit perfectly with the Democratic party...of course not. But I am extremely happy that there are SOME sort of checks and balances to the president.

I watched the press conference with him this morning, and almost laughed at how pissed he looked. I realized, this past year, that I'm simply not a fan of him. Besides his policies, I've never been fond of his personality. If I were to meet him in real life, I'd know I'd call him a jerk face. It's the way that he answers questions, in a conceited, toddler-ish tone...it's the way he holds his head in a cocky manner. There is a difference between being prideful and being a cocky asshole. He is the latter of the two.

I have no idea if the Democrats taking the House will have any real effect on our day-to-day lives...I guess I relish in the hope that there can be a change. Our country needs a change.

A Time to Change

It's ELECTION DAY today! Wooooohoooo! I have yet to miss an election, and I won't miss this one.

I've been happier lately. I feel like stress is no longer on my shoulders. I will definitely say that October 2006 was thus far the HARDEST month of my life. BY FAR. But it retrospect...and to sound so cliche I want to hurt myself...it makes me stronger. I am completely stronger. I feel fortified. (Always a fun word).

Also...I feel stronger because I've realized that I've been putting to much focus on guys and what they think of me. I have to work on how I think of myself first. Believe me, I'm NOT one of those chicks that talks about their imperfections all day long, that just pisses me off. And I believe that women worry to much about being "beautiful." But I still have insecurities (of course). Why have I been placing this emphasis on guys? It's not like I've been worried about them per se, it's more that they've consumed my thoughts more than they should. Welllll, you know what I mean. I'm changing that right now.

Soooooo, after all these realizations, and moments of feeling stronger, I believe I will have a BETTER month. MUCH BETTA!

Here's to an amazing November!

Greedy Bastards!

The older I get, the more I really hate politicians and don't believe much of what they say. On both sides...they all really suck.

Seriously, the vast majority of them are power-hungry assholes. What else can I say? It's been like that for centuries...hasn't it?

I kind of wish that I lived in Athens before it when all imperialist-hungry (right Michelle?). DIRECT democracy! But then again, I wouldn't be able to vote there if I was a woman.

All the things our government could do to fix the world...including New Orleans (one of our OWN cities)...and yet nothing has happened. I'm not just dissapointed in the Bush Administration, I'm dissapointed in all of the bastards.

Many days I really just want to peace out and catch the next plane to Europe, where I can live as a coffee-sipping, antique-collecting, life-loving hermit. Or something like that.

Did I just say I like country?

Have you heard the song "Silent House" by the Dixie Chicks? Depressing but a fantastic song, I must say...even though it's country. And I usually equate country with death. Cowboy hats+violins+whiny voices=death. But seriously...this song is lovely. Lovely tune, lovely message. It's about Alzheimer's.

And how about that? I went on the Memory Walk last Saturday. It was obviously for Alzheimer's. The walk was only 3 miles...and it was in my FAVORITE part of San Diego (besides the beach)--Balboa Park. It's a gorgeous park with cool museums in it (there's an Aerospace museum where my dad built a few jets). And OF COURSE I love the Art Museum.

I could go on and on...but I'll stop.

Can you tell...I'm doing better. Life gets better, always. It's time to start my fantastic day now.

Pulling through, and laughing on the way.

It's cloudy this morning. But I'm fond of clouds...

I'm doing alright, for anyone that wants to know. The only way to get through frantic/sad times is to simply have support. And to relate with other people. I don't care what people say: no matter how technologically advanced we get in this world, no matter how much we could live in our homes and never leave the front door...people will always be social beings. People NEED people. That has been my realization in the last month. The only way to get out of sadness or a rut is with helping hands pulling you out of it.

I have support. I have those hands to lift me up.

***

On a different note...I still have a crush on the Egyptian boy. It's noooot gonna fade anytime soon. Which is funny cause now I get text messages from Sweater Guy saying "You make me smile...I love seeing you."

Guys are utterly ridiculous. RIDICULOUS.

Alright...

soooo. This is what's happening with my dad. His cancer is a slow-moving lymphoma. It's incurable. As opposed to the fast moving lymphoma that kills you, but can be treated. The slow moving lymphoma can be lived with for years...but he has to have check-ups every three months to see if it has spread. I guess they can still contian it with chemotherapy...but it can't be cured.

Sooooo, I'm not happy or sad about the news. Well, I guess I'm happy that it's not stage four cancer, cause that would have broken me in two.

I'm happy that I just know where we stand right now.

Look into my eye!

YAYYYYYYYYY. Jaclyn is coming over the weekend and that makes me HAPPY. She is my partner in crime and I haven't seen her in ages. So YAY!

Oh, and like my Turkish Eye in the corner. Yeah you do. Gotta live up to my URL, you know. It's temporary until I find another picture to put up.

I'm in a better mood each day...it's good to be hopeful!

Crash! Into me...

I didn't wake up until 11:34 this morning...yeah, that's being kind of lazy. But I think it's been awhile since I've done that...like, YEARS! Soooo, I believe I made up for the lack of sleep during these past two weeks.

I had a dream last night that a car accident happened in front of me. Except, they were driving the opposite direction of me. I stopped, got out of the car. Walked down the freeway over the brains and blood on the gravel (seriously it was grafic) and stared at the cars. After staring at them for too long it made me sad, and I wanted to leave, but magically the traffic had reappeared and it was difficult to get to my car on the other side of the road.

I couldn't do it alone, and began to get frustrated, when a nice man helped me out by "directing" traffic. The cars parted and I walked to my car, got in, made a u-turn and drove the other way.

***
If that's not a dream about my life right now I don't know what is.

Maybe Cameron Diaz could sell her boyfriend to me.

Today is a good day...besides the fact that I have two essays hanging over my head like a guillotine...CHOP! But I'll get them done. I always do.

On another note...Justin Timerlake is coming to San Diego for a concert in January. How I'd like to go! I just can't help but give in to his painfully sugar-pop confections!!! But you know his tickets will be over-priced...and you know that they will sell out in 2.5 seconds. Ohhhh, JT. How you tease me.

One person I ALWAYS wished I could see in concert, but never could for OBVIOUS reasons, is Marvin Gaye. Cause I love him. He's quite possibly my favorite singer.

You know, I'm rambling. I'm such a procrastinator...ah well. Cramming is what I do best.

Just Crush Me

Man, life has the ability to give you the loneliest feelings EVER. The scariest feelings EVER. To where you can't help but cry, no matter where you're walking...which makes you look like a complete freak when you're hurrying to class.

I've gotten better at controlling my emotions this week. I'm just holding onto the hope that my dad will be ok, that I will be ok, no matter what.

****

About Egyptian Guy...I can say all I want that if he dates this other girl I'll have to accept it, blah blah blah, he just didn't like me enough, blah blah blah, there's nothing left for me to do but just wait and see what he does, blah-dy blah blah.

Yeah, that's logical, I know.

But the truth is, I want him to take my hand, and tell me that the other girl is not important (not as important as me, that is), and just give me a big hug, and hold me. And then when this daydream plays over and over in my mind...I realize that I've been watching too many romantic comedies. And life hardly ever works out that way.

But I'm sure I've said this before...this is why a crush is called a "crush." It's not exactly an endearing/lovely term. But it's oh-so-fitting.

Just My Luck

Sooo, remember I told you about that Egyptian guy I like?

Well, there's a slight problem. He likes some other chick. Which, honestly is disappointing and annoying. Cause, yeah, I really do like him.

But what are you gonna do? If he's into me, he'll make the effort. And that's all I can say, right? Soooo, yeah.

Anyway, it's not like I really have my mind on having a boyfriend right now. Obviously, my dad is my FIRST priority.

At the same time, you just can't shut off feelings. Especially feelings that just crept up on me out of nowhere....I should just become a lesbian, I swear!

I must be going crazy.

I'm dying my hair blonde right now. You heard right.

You only live once. I've always wanted to see what it would look like, so I did it. Hopefully it doesn't turn out a hideous orange/gold color. Hopefully!

Within a month I'll probably dye it a dark color again, just to keep my sanity. But for now, we shall see.

If it turns out decent, I'll post a picture. WHAT am I thinking right now???!

This week:

• I'm not going to be depressed. I will control my emotions.
• I'm going to believe. Believe that I can get through this. Believe that my dad can get through this. He is strong!
• I'm going to smile. I choose to smile this week. I'm going to smile until it HURTS.

And though there will still be tears, and pain and hurt...I will come out stronger. I am stronger already.

Today is better already. This week will not control me. I will control this week. I am going to lay the smackdown on this week. BAM!

Putting it in Perspective

This has been the hardest week of my life. I don't think I have ever known a pain like this before. And it's a debilitating kind of pain.

I don't think I've ever cried so hard or so much...and in front of other people, too.

Man, if this week hasn't been a test, I don't know what is. But...

I feel much better than I did earlier on in the week. It's because of the people that surround me. Whether they are in Orange County, or a couple doors down. And of course, my dad pulls me through. I have faith that things are going to be alright. That no matter what, it will all be alright.

And so I'm off to church. It's sooooo necessary this week.

And the clouds parted a little...

I feel better now...and it's because of other people.

When I'm by myself, I think about it too much, and it eats away at me. But friends give me the strength.

I just have to work on making my dad smile. Cause he's strong, and he doesn't show it, but he's scared too.

!

I'm just kind of upset...and I don't know how to fix it...

how am I supposed to fix it???

Just like glass...

It's funny how life can be compared to a glass vase.

A beautiful glass vase that is so perfect and classic when it is first made. It is adorned with flowers, or put in a cupboard, protected by the walls that surround it. It seems untouchable, doesn't it?

And then, one day, the vase falls over, and you find a chip in it. And you are suddenly reminded, just how easily that vase can break. And it frightens you. What if the next time it falls...it breaks completely?
***
Even if my father were to die tomorrow, I have to say this. That when he breaks into a million little pieces, and my world feels like it is going to break too...I will just have to gather all those little pieces together, and keep them with me, and never throw them away. For what my dad has taught me, in the short 21 years I have been alive, will last with me all my life.

For my dad is the kind of man who has never been concerned with riches and reputation. He could have been the CEO of a prestigious business if he wanted. He has the stamina, courage and intelligence to do so. However, my dad is unique. He knows where real riches can be found--that that is with family and faith and love. And some might say that he gave up the chance to be the richest man in the world. To this he would reply "I already am the richest man in the world." And he has never shown me any less love than I deserve.

And I have not given up, but accepted that my dad and I will fight to the end. And even if the worst happens, I will always have his love and advice in my heart. And I will pass that on to my kids as well. My father WILL live on forever.

That is not to say that I am not worried or scared. I am! But I know that I am loved. And it is better to have had my dad in my life for 21 years than to never have had him at all.

...

My dad called me today and told me that the biopsy they did on his throat turned out to be cancer (he had a lump removed).

I'm not sure how to deal with these words as I write them...cause they're glaring at me right now, and piercing me straight through the heart.

It could be nothing...it could be something that can be removed. But I am afraid. I am a daddy's girl...and I refuse to lose my father anytime soon.

I don't know what else to say right now. I'm going to drive home, and try not to cry too much, and give my dad a hug. That's about all I can do. I feel better in the fact that I have support...from God, from friends. I'm just.............sad, right now. That's all.

Castles Made of Sand

It's that time of the afternoon, where I'm just sitting here thinking about everything...about the week ahead and how it might kill me. I let stress get to me much too often. Going from school to work to sorority to school to work to school.........it gets tiring and I get spread thin.

I'm just freakin' out a little cause I have a ga-zillion projects/midterms happening this week.

I enjoy being melo-dramatic sometimes. And when I'm in this mood, that's when I break out the Jimi Hendrix. It's not that often that I resort to Jimi, but sometimes fascinating guitar riffs paired with lyrics about pain and drugs can be amazing.

"So castles made of sand, fall into the sea...eventually..."

Too bad my foundation is strong. Don't mind me. I'm just venting.

Do I speak a different language?

So I told my big bro (in a fraternity) that I like the Egyptian guy (in the same fraternity) and I tell him not to tell.

And what does he do? He tells him. See the conflict?

"Well I thought you wanted me to tell him. Come on--you wanted me too." This is my Big Bro's logic.

I said "Nooooooo, you wanted to tell him."

I throw my hands up in defeat!

Cause it's just so easy to hide.

I'm sitting here
just drinking my freshly brewed coffee
and I'm thinking...

Thinking about a guy, thinking about a career, thinking about my life.

Why am I afraid of relationships?
Why am I afraid to trust?
Why am I afraid to try?
Why am I afraid to be?

Sometimes I need to learn how to let go. Sometimes it's hard to take down those walls you spent all your life putting up. Brick by brick, day by day, it's time to let them down.

I long to break free. And someday I will do it.

♥

Sooooooooo...yeah. I already have a new crush on someone. Yeaaaaahhhhh.

His name is David. He's Eygptian. He's kind of beautiful. This crush really formed out of nowhere. It sort of just slapped me in the face. But that's the best kind.

Kind of weird--he's Sweater Guy's friend. But you see, Sweater Guy and I never dated...so it can't be that weird.

These things you just can't really help. I'm rambling. He's a friend right now, that's all. I'll keep you updated.

Conquer the Day!

Being in a sorority has been the biggest test of my life. I don't think anyone outside of my house would understand that statement.

Sometimes life is so very frustrating.

And I have a LOT of schoolwork to do. I'm being a downer right now, huh? I shall survive. I always do. Anyway, the sunshine outside looks fabulously the right temperature of warm and I can't wait to go dance in it.

I'm off to begin another day and kick it's ass!

Who Knew?

Ok, so I'm not planning on posting everytime Sweater Guy decides on being confusing. But I have to post this.

I'm going to our school's football game today right? And I told him I was. Well, he sent me a text message that said "I'll see you at the game! I can't wait cuz I've been missing you like crazy!"

Why are guys so confusing? Again, I'm laughing.

Ok, Whatever.

To change subjects, I played broomball last night. Have you played it? You wear tennis shoes on the ice and hit a ball with broomstick-type-things. It's incredibly fun. Yeah, I fell on my ass once. Maybe twice.

Life is...interesting. That's all I have to say.

For the love of God!!!

Ok...I just need to clear my throat on this. I didn't think I'd be bringing up Sweater Guy again on here, but I guess I'm going to.

He calls me today, right? Totally out of the blue to "see how I was doing." Where the hell did that come from?

Why are guys confusing?? Why can't they just. make. up. their. minds. Is it that hard? When I liked Sweater Guy he seemed more distant. Is he coming back because I'm distant? Does he want to be buddy/buddy with me?

I'm not agonizing over this, I'm just confused. Dude. This seriously makes me laugh.

Ok, I gotta write an essay now, but I just wanted to amuse everyone with this little story.

Oh, to be delirious...

I'm exhausted and my head is slightly in pain. After classes, I decided to lay in my bed for a second...the next thing I knew I had fallen asleep for two hours! Ahhhh, but it was worth it.

And about sororities...I'm sure there are some houses with "lesbianistic tones" (apparently that is the word of the day). Cause definitely in this country anything goes. But again, my sorority does not participate in any lesbian activity, thankyouverymuch.

We do however have 18 new girls that are winners...and yeah, matt, they do kind of engage in a battle of wits, cause we're definitely smarter than the average sorority.

Anyway...I have a lot of work to do...with not enough time to do it, so that shall be interesting. But I believe I can get it done. So here's to procrastination now and hopefully more sleep tomorrow!

Give me one moment in time.

This weekend has been hectic. No joke, I've talked to over 100 women. Women who want to be in a sorority, that is. That's way too much lip gloss, manicured nails, tiffany bracelets and fake laughs for me. But you have to weed through the fake, ridiculous girls to get to the real gems. And those gems are the ones I want in my house. I really cannot, for the life of me, stand fakeness.

I have one more day of rush today, the last day, and I'm kind of excited for it. My voice, however, is not excited...for it is almost completely gone. But I got this sexy, raspy-feel to my voice going on right now. Oh baby, oh baby.

Sometimes I really stop and take a moment to think about it all, and it makes me laugh. I'm in a sorority. hahahahaha. Oh god.

Oh yeah, I feel the sexy coming back.

Ummmm...so I totally bought Justin's new CD. I HAD to. I just couldn't resist. Laugh at me, it's alright.

Let me just say that it's actually a fabulous CD. I kind of really love it. So if you've ever had a taste for guilty-pleasure-ish pop (think Prince), then this is totally the CD for you.

And there are definitely some scandalous tracks on it too. Mmmm...Delicious.

Alright, that's all for now.

Here we go!

Today Rush doth beginith. Craziness, sleepless nights and high-heel wearing will ensue. The madness!

I'm excited. Sigma Kappa has an upper hand. I love this house, and we will do well.

(and by the way, I'm alright from my little accident, and less stressed too)

3 little birds told me that it's gonna be alright. Cause apparently birds can talk.

It's just one of those weeks, isn't it?

Ok, ok, ok....I need to just breathe. Cause I'm a little stressed.

What Happened:

Number one. This is Rush Week. 740 girls are coming through. Which means I will be talking to hundreds of girls. Slightly unsettling.

Number two. I got in a car accident yesterday. It was my fault.

Number three. I have a project due.

The Bright Side:

Number one. I've been through rush before. I can handle this. It's always the anticipation leading up to the event that gets me. The actual event itself flies by.

Number two. This is probably the thing that is stressing me out the most. But it puts things in perspective...if I can handle this burden on one of my most originally stressful weeks...then I can handle a lot. I'm stronger than I think.

Number three. Once I get the project done with, I can check it off my list. So I'm off to do that now.

I just can't believe this week. The accident was definitely the icing on the cake. But Lord knows I will survive! There are worse things in life...and I just need to focus on fixing one thing at a time.

Arrivederci!

So..........I dropped Italian.

At first I felt like such a failure for doing that. But really, this has given me a huge breath of fresh air.

Of course I still have to take the class, but it will be next semester. And I will study my ASS off over Christmas break to re-learn that subject. Then I can feel comfortable in the class.

I had forgotten so much that it was frustrating me to the point of tears. And I just don't have the time right now to do an extensive review of the language. All of my classes are demanding and require a lot of reading and outside-of-the-classroom work.

Anyway, I feel better. And I will feel great when I take that class again and I actually know my stuff.

A Sorority's Version of a World War

About Italian...I need to stop stressing about it, and just freakin' study it. There is no other solution. So I'll shut up about it. And anyways, I felt better later when I was in a journalism class and was able to contribute. I got to feel smart again. Cause who likes to feel stupid?

It's getting down to the wire and rush is coming up. I've explained rush before on this blog...and I'm pretty sure I've described it as hell. That is because it is absolute hell.

It's funny to see how a group interacts when its members are stressed. There are power struggles, fighting, fatigue, selfishness...sounds like a war zone. But at the same time it bonds the group closer.

All the blood shed we've put in for this rush, I'm eager to see the beautiful faces we will soon gain.

Once hell has come and gone, we will smile, give each other a hug and be better friends for going through the worst.

Non mi piace italiano.

At least not today. Italian is frustrating me!! This day is frustrating me!!!!!!!!!

I want to rip out my hair. This is what happens when you skip a semester of italian...you forget EVERYTHING. It's my fault...I just need to study more. But, uh....when do I have the freakin' time?

I just want to go to the beach and relax. But I can't. Sadness.

She's not completely unraveled.

By the way...my last post was not about whether I'm good enough for a guy. I know I'm good enough. I'm cute and nice, honey chile! Better recognize!

Really, I was wondering was was happening with the male race. I was losing hope in them. But I realize there are some good guys in the world. So yeah...it's just a matter of weeding through the bad ones I guess.

Today, my friends and I decided to partake in some retail therapy. Shopping just makes me oh-so-happy sometimes.

So that's what I've been up to.

And now...I NEED to partake in some studying. Off to hit the books.

Love Fool

So here's the problem with life and love and boys.

And right now I'm going off of my friend's boyfriend. Cause she's beautiful, inside and out. But he doesn't appreciate her fully. He's selfish. He thinks about himself only. Tonight is their anniversary, and she made plans for them. He then called and asked when they would be done eating so he could go hang out with friends and watch Brokeback Mountain (to make fun of it, no doubt).

Not the right answer!!! Shouldn't he be giving the WHOLE night to her and her alone? The night should be all about her...her name should be written in the stars and should surround his every thought. Not Brokeback Mountain.

And shouldn't women get roses? Shouldn't women be kissed without having to ask for it? Shouldn't they be loved unconditionally?

Is my answer yes to these questions because I've been brainwashed by a thousand Disney movies? Have I watched one too many Johnny Depp movies where he can't get enough of his woman?

All the boy band songs I adored, all the slightly funny romantic movies I watched religiously, all the pages of Pride & Prejudice I rejoiced reading...was it all a trick? Was I fooled to believe that love was one way while being totally blinded to the way it actually is?

I have another friend, who I will not name, that recently had some bruises on her arm. Curious, I asked, "Wow, where did you get those?"

"My Boyfriend," she answered.

"hahaha, yeah...but really..." I joked.

"No, my boyfriend gave them to me. Well, he's my ex now. But don't worry, he was drunk. It was an accident," she said, almost nonchallantly.

And guess what, she's still trying to be with him.

That's not love. That's not the kind of Mr. Darcy I want. I just don't understand why girls settle. Why settle for second best? Or, is this the real question: Are my standards too high?

An Epiphany of Sorts

I wish that I was just asexual sometimes.

I wish that I was completely nonchalant when it comes to the subject of guys.

It's weird when a secure person (such as myself) can suddenly become insecure when a certain person is around her. Shouldn't you be comfortable with a person you want to be with?

YES.

Then it's probably true that that person is not for me. So why do I keep denying that fact?

**By the way, don't worry. I'm not sad writing this post. I think I'm just coming to a final realization about Sweater Guy. And for the LOVE OF GOD...I need to just let him go...so we hang out, we're friends, all of that. But that, I believe, is the end.

My problem? I always forget that there are a GAZILLION other fish in the sea for me. I'm cute, I'm funny, I'm a good person. And the right guy will see that when the time is right.

As much as I resist, I always fall into the trap of rushing life...when honestly, I need to take more time to just enjoy my surroundings.

You are ALL jealous of my notebook.

Even the guys are jealous...


But don't hate. Johnny just picked me over you. Or, er...I bought him. Same thing.

Apple for the teacher?

Sooo, I just went to my first class for the semester. It was italian. I was frightened, since I forgot ALL my italian in the last semester. And this class is called "Reading and Speaking Italian." Therefore, that would would require me to read and speak italian (Just wanted to clarify that for you all).

Surprisingly, however, I understood everything she was saying. That's a big relief. I just need to brush up on speaking it.

This semester has a bright outlook so far. I have nothing to do today but smile, in the words of Paul Simon.

The sun is shining today. It's shining over the far expanse of campus...over the newly primped freshman nervously making their way to a building they can't find, over the professors hoping for a good class this year, over every dirty alley way behind the frat houses, and it's shining over me as well.

Brighter Than Sunshine

I love that song by aqualung! I'm yours and suddenly your mine, and it's brighter than sunshine...

So pretty! Why aren't all guys that romantic? Some guys are. Anthony is an example (you get a pat on the back, Anthony).

So yeah...I have been extremely busy lately...I haven't written in 7 days! That's sacreligious! But I'm not unhappy by any means, so don't think that. When school starts, I'll be working less, and things will be calm(er) once again.

I'm in a good place though. Sunshine surrounds me everywhere...yeah, sometimes I like sounding that cheesy. What? You like it. Admit it.

I WILL be reading up on all of you, preferably today. So expect me to leave some kick ass comments. Cause I'm simply cool like that.

The cliche "I wish there were more hours in a day" makes so much sense to me right now.

That might be the longest title I ever put for a post.

But I feel like I have ZERO time for myself this week. I haven't had time to even check my e-mail until now. And I haven't read about all your lives for quite awhile...and that makes me sad.

Hopefully next week I'll have more.....................time.

Ahhhhh!!!

Justin Timberlake is 5 minutes away from me (driving time) and I can't go see him (cause I have a meeting)!!! How frustrating!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry...if you like NSYNC once (the way I did) then it follows you for ALL of your life.

I know he's just a person (yada yada yada) BUT he's soooooooooooooooooo pretty. This kind of depresses me.

Time to Breathe?

My stupid Ikea chair keeps falling apart everyday...damn you Swedish mass production!!

Anyway, that was me venting. We all know American mass production is worse, and more expensive.

This week, I realized, is going to be...busy. I work 8-4 monday-friday. Then, I have rush practice from 6-10. Where is the time for myself?

Well, I guess there's never enough time in a day, now is there?

Oh yeah, and I have to re-learn italian before school starts...ummmm, yeah. That's a big task.

Hopefully your week is a little more easy-going.

Freaky Thursday

So...I just found out about the plan that was devised to blow up the U.S. with planes...yet again.

How depressing!! I swear, I have no qualms about the United States not being powerful...I really wish that I didn't live in the most powerful country. Because, come on now kids, how does every great power lose their power? They FALL. They destroy themselves. Or get destroyed by others.

Power is...unnecessary.

I will always remember the great quote about power from Abe Lincoln. I've always thought it was a smart quote. It says:

"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power."

A day in the life.

It's been a little while since I've written on here.

Life is getting busy once again...

And life is still confusing. But I guess that's normal. Guess what message I got from Sweater Guy today:

A J: I'm sorry for not spending much time chilling with ya lately! Things have been rough this summer... it's only for a season though

you are great and it's always good to see ya

SuaVe

Why? Well...who knows. At least it's good to know I'm not the only one who cares. Oh yeah, did I ever tell you his nickname is suave? It figures.

Life is going good, anyway. Oh, and I definitely have pictures from my and Jaclyn's little random escapade. I'll post those later. And you will laugh. Cause, God, we're special.

Yay for being totally insane!

Sooooooooooooooo...yeah.

Guess what I'm doing tomorrow! Well, I'll tell you.

I'm waking up at 5:00am (ouch) to leave by 5:30am (painful) to drive 4 hours (with Jaclyn) to a Santa Barbara-ish region (known as Solvang) to take a 10-mile bike ride (can you say crazy?) and go on a wine-tasting tour (to ease the pain). THEN we're gonna drive back.

Oh yeah. We devised this plan at 9pm this very night.

But hey...you live once. And I might as well torture my body in such a way when I'm this young. Annnnnnnd, I'm excited. Come on, that's a pretty kick-ass trip.

Yes, this will definitely make up for the Colorado trip Jack and I didn't get to go on.

Again I say, YAY FOR BEING CRAZY!!!

Unfolding a Mystery

So, I was talking to one of Sweater Guy's friends last night, but Sweater Guy wasn't there. I just happen to visit that house a lot.

Anyway, he decided to ask me if I was into any of the guys at his house.

I answered, "Come on now, isn't it obvious? You know who I like in your house."

"No, who?"

"I've always thought Carlos is cute. You knooooooooow that," I answered (knowing FULL well that I think he's more than "cute").

"Yeah, but don't you know he has a girlfriend?" Asked the friend.

"What?!" I shouted, with panic written on my face.

"Just Kidding...he doesn't!" I slapped him, hard...to which he countered, "You really like him, don't you?"

I said, "Well, it's been on and off. There was a period where we weren't talking to each other. I don't know."

"Well to be honest," he seriously said, "I don't know if Carlos is in a place for a relationship. I think he has A LOT of other stuff going on in his life that is keeping him busy at the moment...really big things."

I nodded, because I knew it was true, and said "Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, actually."

Cause it does make sense...he's never been on the same page as me!

****
I'm not sharing this conversation because I'm dissapointed or sad...but obviously I still care. I still hold onto my want to just become his friend. Cause at least I'll have a friend out of the deal.

And...people SHOULD NOT play mean jokes on me like the one mentioned above. That is NOT OKAY.

And no one made me.

It's been overcast, cloudy and rainy in San Diego. It's beautiful! What a spectacular shade of gray. (And I'm not being sarcastic...)

I'm proud of myself because I've been reading more. You know, reading for fun. Yeah, all by myself. But I'm afraid that my drive to read will fade away as I become busy with numerous school-related activities. Such as "reading" for class. Which begins with me actually doing the reading, and telling myself, "This year, I'm going to do all the readings on time. I'm on track!"

Hahahaha...riiiiiiiiiight.

I'm going to end this post here--and not go into the fact that the world is at war again...how did we get here? Why are humans so selfish? Ahhh....I'll stop there before I drain myself of life.

Let me just relish in the fact that the sky is delightfully gray. And it is a gray that is calm and peaceful...and not the fatally morbid gray that hangs over the middle east today.


*****
Ohhh, one more thing...Leave Mel Gibson alone!! So he made some mistakes. Yeah, his comments were un-called for. But you know you can't be mad at the man...you love Mel. Come on, you know it. Mad Max just got a little...mad.

Out of the closet, indeed.

hahahahahahahahahaHAha!!!!

I cannot. stop. laughing.

Lance Bass is gay. He's gay!!! Oh my gosh, why didn't I see this coming??? hahahahaha!!!!

I'm not making fun of it by any means (cause I love gay boys!), but this is hilarious to me!! Ohhhhhhhhh, this was the highlight of my day.

July 25th must die.

Yesterday was such a bad day...I wanted to scream. Well I didn't scream, but I did cry out of frustration. It all had to do with my tuition for school, and because of a mistake I made, it wasn't paid for...and if it wasn't paid for, I couldn't register...and school is important to me. No school=Ashley is sad.

But it's ok. It's been figured out. I am now registered and happy.

Take a deeeeeeeeeeep breath...

And here are the classes I'm taking, in case you're interested:

1. Communications 310W (Gathering and Reporting Information): Writing, basically. And gathering info I suppose? What are all my major classes anyway...writing!! All these fancy names...why don't you just get down to the point?
2. History 445 (California History): is it necessary to explain this one? It counts as a requiremtnt for upperdivision...and why not learn about the greatest (craziest) state?
3. Italian 201 (Reading and Speaking Italian): hahaha...I've gone a semester without Italian and have nearly forgotten the lot of it. Ahhhh! That should be interesting...
4. Political Science 301 A (History of Western Political Thought): I already took 301 B with the same professor and loved it...and I loved him. Cause he's insanely funny. And I ♥ poli sci! I should get a shirt made or something.

I always get excited for the first week of classes. And I'm only taking four. Deciding to spread out my schedule over two years instead of one was a goooooooooood plan.

Less classes=less stress=Ashley is happy.

Yay for being happy!

Waiting on the World to Change

All this fighting in the middle east makes me nervous.

Not just because it's sad for humankind...

But also cause my family is extremely close to this!!! Turkey is close to all those wars, actually, and I hate that.

Just look at this map...look at it!

It borders Iran, Iraq, Syria...and is close to Israel and Lebanon. Geeeeeeeeez!!! Can it be in a worse spot? Seriously now.

It's just unnerving for me...cause I love my family in Turkey. And Turkey is a gorgeous place with nice people, I wouldn't want to see anything happen to it.

Soooooo yeah, Turkey was ruthless back in the day with the Ottoman Empire...I know. But it's a fabulous place now. It just has some bad luck with neighbors...

And so I say: Ben Turkiye cok seviyorum.

Which means: I love Turkey very much.

Hot in Herrrrrrre

I'm gonna go see Sweater Guy today. Well, if he's there, that is...he doesn't have a phone, so it's not like I can actually contact him.

But I haven't seen him in two weeks. And I miss him a little. But I'm not upset over it or anything. It's like I'm going to go see an old friend...except he's more like a recent friend. ha.

Did you know? It reached 103 degrees in San Diego yesterday. That's sacreligious! Cause perfect weather is totally San Diego's religion.

I think I may have to go to the beach today. I don't really have a choice. The ocean shall be my lover today. And what a gorgeous lover it is.

Arrrrrrrrrr! We be Pirate Wenches!!!

I couldn't even begin to tell you of the adventures that went on the night this picture was taken.

All I can tell you is that me and the girls are pretty much as cool as pirates. Though not as smelly.

Yay for taking pictures in random boats!! (I'm in the middle in case you couldn't find me).

Why is college so INSANE?

It's like looking into a mirror.

I started reading the book Pledged and I can't put it down.

Ahhhhh!!! This book has sucked me in. Damn you vacuum book! hahahaha....yeah.

Probably because it's about my life...it's about sororities, and that's crazy.

Sometimes, I still can't believe I'm in a freakin' sorority. I mean, I'm in a sorority. That is freakin' hilarious. It really is. And I'm realizing that more as I read this book. Ohhhhh, my life is surreal at times.

And I still get the million dollar question. STILL. "Sooo, do you girls really have naked pillow fights?"

Keeping it all in order.

I bought a new planner today. And highlighters. And pens. Having something new to write in (with new colors to write with) strangley makes me immensely happy.

I'm sort of weird.

To change subjects, but keep with the theme of order....there's a lot going on with my sorority right now. An advisor to my sorority said this wise quote about it "Running a sorority is like running a business, and is going to teach you more about life than your classes will."

I think this quote could go for any organization.

And....she was right. This sorority knows how to kill me sometimes...KILL ME. Cause it's hard work. It's kind of like being stabbed in the chest repeatedly. But it's worth it. I've learned that it is something I truly love and have passion for. So I stay, and trudge on through...it gives me a great satisfaction.

And why would I stay if there wasn't a challenge present?

***

Well, there's nothing else to really write about here except for my WANT and NEED for school to begin. But that will come soon enough, so let's not rush life.

You're tearing me apart!!!

I hate people who are INCOMPETENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate people that are CONDESCENDING!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate people that think it is alright to belittle me!!!

I'm talking about a new manager at my work...she is DRIVING me up the wall. And I want to throw merchandise at her head. GEEEEEZ woman! Just get over yourself.

*Ahem* I think a new job is in order. As much as I love some people at my work, a new job needs to happen soon. Otherwise I will be stabbing someone.

Ok. I feel slightly better now. Oh and the title is an allusion to James Dean. Cause the thought of him makes me happier, at least.

I see a fire burning in their souls.

Whoooooooooaaaaaaa. What is going on in the Middle East? Israel, Lebanon, Syria...WHAT is going on?

This scares me. And depresses me a little.

The world is falling apart before our eyes. And it brings a deep sadness to my heart.

On School, On Writing, On Life

I think my love affair with coffee is getting kind of dangerous. As well as my love affair with purple. But that is besides the point.

I'm sitting here, thinking about what's about to elapse in the next month, and I realize that school is included in that. And I'm excited. And I'm excited that I'm excited. I actually really love shopping for school supplies...pens, notebooks, post-its...and they're all color coordinated!!!

And you know what I'm doing right now? I'm practicing. Journalism classes will be hitting me soon (in where they ask you to write an article EVERYDAY). And so I'm trying to write here almost everyday. Cause I've been told numerous times in numerous classes that writing everyday is an important/beneficial exercise. Not to mention it makes my soul happy.

Although...I'm already sliiiiiightly stressed. See, I'm in charge of day a rush, and I'm planning EVERYTHING for that day. I realized, in taking this position, that I'm actually not a person who likes to party plan. I like decorating. But party planning gives me a headache!! It's all about the art of an occasion...not the business.

But it will be alright. I have tons of help.

Oh, and Jaclyn and I are probably gonna try to hit up Disneyland before school starts (Let's plan it Jack!!!). Cause that's always a magical, wonderful trip.

Alright...work starts soon. Gotta get to it, and make that money now, so I don't have to work too much during the school year.

Mint-Chocolate Smile

I think that my aunt actually may be alright. But we'll see. Surgery is never a good thing. But at least it's not as serious as I thought.

And right now I'm kinda delighted by the mint chocolate chip ice cream I'm eating (a whole half-carton's worth).

Besides being delighted by the fact that my aunt isn't in any serious condition.

We forget, all too often, that life is fragile. Soooo fragile that it is utterly scary.

Auntie Diane ♥

I woke up this morning at 6am with no troubles. That's usually a big problem for me.

I found out last night that my aunt is in the hospital right now and is going to have emergency surgery. I don't know what for yet, seeing as my mom left me a message. And so I'm left a little in the dark.

And what can you do? My aunt Diane is a strong, hilarious, personable woman. And all I can do is hope and pray that she'll be alright.

Let me give you a background story on this aunt of mine. One time, she told me, when she used to be married, she got in an argument with her husband. This elevated into him almost hitting her.

After a bit of a cool-down, while he was taking a shower, my aunt Diane grabbed a radio, stormed up the stairs, broke down the door and slid open the shower curtain (all with a firey rage). She then held the radio up (over the shower, right?) and said "If you ever attempt to hit me again, I swear I will kick your ass!"

I'm pretty sure he didn't mess with her again.

My prayers are with my aunt.

ITALY WON!!!!

I'm very happy about this. If france would have won, I would have just died.

I love those freakin' italians.

Viva Italia!!

With Open Arms

Ahhhh, I took a fabulous nap today. I don't take naps often, so they are special jewels when they come along.

Sadly, Jaclyn and I cannot go to Colorado due to extreme circumstances...sort of a bummer, but I will live. Jack and I will just have to take a raincheck. Someday, we will travel to great places... once we are makin' the big bucks, hear that Jack?

Anyway, to change topics, I realized that school is approaching much sooner than I realized. It scared me initially, cause I'm really enjoying this summer. Like, I'm REALLY enjoying how deliciously lazy this summer has been. But I'm also ready in a way. Ready to learn again and get back into the groove. There's only so much vegging you can do before you feel completely useless. I'm ready to gain some real knowledge again. One more month of laziness will be perfect before the work begins.

And because I feel like bringing it up...let me tell you what I think about Sweater Guy. I like him still. I still have feelings. I still hang out with him. But you know what's good? I don't freak out anymore if he doesn't call me. I don't start pulling out my hair if I don't see him for awhile.

Cause I realized--yay me--that a friendship needs to be built between us. What's the point of jumping into a relationship with someone you don't know? There's not a point.

And once we have a good friendship, and there's still something there, then we can act on it. I'm not in a hurry anymore. Why stress over something I can't control?

I know, I'm smart.

He's still incredibly beautiful. I'll give him that.

Red, White and Watermelon.

My apartment is lonely right now...I hate that!!! I hate being the only one home. It kills me sometimes. I guess I just really like being around people. Cool people, that is.

Went to the beach on the 4th of July. It was WAY crowded. Apprently some 50,000 freakin' people visited San Diego just to go to our beaches. Dude. Go get your own beach and leave mine alone.

hahaha. That's the united, patriotic spirit to have, huh?

I guess I'm slightly grumpy because I am sunburnt. And I got hit on repeatedly by guys yesterday (like every girl in a bikini). How do you tell a guy nicely that you don't want to give him your phone number? I just can't say no sometimes.

Funny short story: I was wearing this pink/green sun dress at the end of the night and one guy (ahem, one drunk guy) came up to me, gave me a big hug, smiled and said "you look like a big watermelon!"

hahahahahaHAha. That made me laugh. He thought it was hilarious, too, and joined me. Hahaha!

I guess, in reflection, I can say that America is a very, uh, special country. We've got some real idiots, including myself. But we are lovable idiots. Indeed.

Movies and Barbequed Ribs make me HAPPY.

I saw Superman again last night....hahaha HA ha...I'm CRAZY. But there are very few movies I'll see twice (in a row). It's just a good movie. And I didn't just see it for hottie-hot-Superman (that is his OFFICIAL name, you know), but I also saw it for Kevin Spacey, cause Mr. Spacey plays deliciously psychotic characters in his movies and I LOVE IT!!!

On the similar note of movies, there is one movie that you should NEVER see. Never. That movie is Poseidon. Think of the most unnecessary action flick ever made, and you'll get that stupid movie. I fell asleep during it! And I never fall asleep during movies.

As you can see, I'm having an incredibly lazy summer. If I have the time to see a movie twice, then I have a lot of free time. But it's oh-so-nice.

And now I'm gearing up for the 4th! Yay! Let's celebrate our Independence even though our country is falling apart and dying the way every great (and arrogant) civilization has!

Sorry, that was a bit morbid. But very, very, VERY true. Anyway, hope you have a great 4th of July! hahaha...can I even say that now? Just think of Barbeque...mmmmm...barbeque. It makes it ALL better, huh?

Can I have a piece of the man of steel?

Cause, frankly, he's beautiful. Don't I have good reasons for going to see movies?

ha. But in all seriousness, I saw Superman last night and it was really good. It had beautiful imagery in it. almost stunning. And I really want a hot man to take me flying--you know without a plane. Let's just forget that that's impossible. ha ha.......oh well.

I've been sort of absent recently on this blog. Maybe cause during school I need it--to escape, to vent, to share my secrets to, and all of the above. But I'm getting all of that right now without the blog. I'm getting it by taking spontaneous trips to the beach and just leaving time for myself, while during school....there is no such thing as free time.

Anyway, it's still fun to write in fits of inspiration....such as the beauty of Superman! I would love to kiss this guy, look at his lips! Ok, I realize that some guys read this blog, and I'll stop, cause this part isn't interesting to you, haha. Hope you're having a good day. I'll leave you with a picture of Superman...so the ladies can SEE what I'm talkin' bout.

Santa Barbara Dreamin'

This week has been a bit exhausting because of work. I've been working 9-5 everyday. A depressing shift physically, mentally, and poetically to boot.

But tomorrow I get to drive to Santa Barbara with my sister to help her move some stuff. I love driving...it's where I actually get to wind down. The breeze, the music, the winding road....I love it all.

And Santa Barbara is lovely. If you've been there then you know.

I guess I have nothing interesting to say. I'm just going to drink my coffee now and gain some fake energy for a day of work. Oh, and it's my mom's birthday today...duh. Did I ever tell you that my mom had me WAY later in life? She was 44 when I was born. Yeah.

So I'll have to do something special for her...cause family and friends ALWAYS come first.

Summer does a heart good.

Wow. I'm realizing how much of myself I started to lose this year. I was stressed. My smile was fading. My heart sank just a little.

But giving myself time to relax is doing my soul good. Just going to the beach and watching the waves roll in and out, in and out...it cleanses my brain of all of those insecurities and stresses I was building up. I was draining myself of life!

The 2005-2006 school year was not the best year for me...cause I let little things give me ulcers and heart attacks almost every day. That does not do a body good (FYI, haha).

But I'm realizing again, like I realized long ago...that I'm beautiful.

And I don't mean that in a bragging/superficial way.

What I mean is that every girl should realize her inner beauty. Why do we stress ourselves out trying to please EVERYONE? You'll end up ripping yourself to shreds trying to do that.

There's an inner beauty inside of me that I've been hiding from people this year...why? Why not let it shine? Why not let it peak past the mountain tops the way escaping rays from the dawning sun does? It's been hidden for so long, cause I've kept it captive. It's ready to be released again.

I am confident and I am a woman. That is what being beautiful is about. Not about thinking you're not good enough. No, being beautiful is about knowing damn well that you are good enough.

That is the knowledge I've gained today. I am beautiful...and so are you, my friend. (Now let's go play a Mr. Roger's tape and hug each other, shall we?)

Maria!

I'm so VERY glad that my musical-obbsessed roomate decided to show me one of her favorite movies yesterday. Cause it is now one of my favorites....I love it!!

You have heard of West Side Story, right?

haha, kidding.

Of course I had heard of it before, but I just never watched it. I adore it now. Why don't guys dance like that anymore? Why don't we make movies like that anymore? And Natalie Wood, she looked absolutely amazing.

****

In other news today, I'm going to watch the U.S. yet again play in the World Cup against Italy today. Now listen boys, you better be aggressive and give a damn this time cause Italy ain't no joke. They will slaughter your ass (even more so than the Czech Republic did).

So that's where I'm off to now. Let's not make a fool of ourselves!!

Get me outta here!!!

AHHHHH!!!! I must travel.

I need to travel. Must travel soon. I miss Europe SOOOOOO much!!

Good thing Jaclyn and I are going to Colorado soon, cause I need to go SOMEWHERE, and fast.

I love San Diego, but need my roadtrip!!!!! It's like 4 weeks away....can I wait?

The Most Selfish of Societies

Have you heard that Paris Hilton is releasing an album? You can't hear me right now, but I'm laughing as I type this. Oh Sweet Jesus.

I don't like Paris Hilton, like most sensible people, for the sheer fact that she is completely worthless to society. Dude, even Britney Spears has helped out with charity. At least she has that. But Paris...what has she done? Well, she's bleached her hair multiple times, bought designer clothes to her shallow heart's desire, and, oh yeah, has made a sex tape. Let's not forget about that contribution.

I hate to sound so utterly mean about one person that I don't know. But it reality, this is how I feel about A LOT of celebrities.

What I'm realizing now (and what I didn't realize when I was 16) is that a lot of celebrities are the people in society that never grow up. As in, they need constant attention, and are completely selfish--Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson, a few rappers...you could think of a few as well.

And it sort of disgusts me. You're in your 20's!!!!! And 30's!!! And 40's!!! But where is your sense? And where is your heart? Or do you only love yourself? Help society out for once and stop thinking about how well your $500 shoes match your $700 purse!!!

As I've continued to grow older, I've started to realize what is actually important in life--the people that surround you and how you contribute back to those people. There are very few celebrities now-a-days that realize this simple fact. So why do we idolize them again??

Tells you a lot about our society, huh?

The American Way

It feels good to just sit here in the still in the still of the morning, sipping my sugary coffee from my little blue cup. As much as I like sleeping in, I forgot how wonderful this silence is.

I appreciate silence when others find it awkward. Maybe I'm just awkward, haha.

Maybe I'm enjoying not working...I'm just sitting here and taking in the moment.

I've been dying a little at work, cause we've been busy and under-staffed all at the same time. Glorious. And you know the American way: work until you die, work all day...just prove that you're the best.

But once you prove that you're the "Best," what do you get? Pride doesn't make a happy life.

It just doesn't make sense: why do Americans work their lives away? It hurts my head everytime I think about it. Americans work a lot to have a better life...but when do we get to live if we're working all the time???

I know you've pondered this too.

Why are so many things in life ridiculous?

My silent morning is coming to end, now I'm off too work (sadface). Ohhhh, how I wish I could live in Europe!!

Anger 101

Alright, Alright, Alright. So somtimes I get mad, and it's over stupid things. It happens! Jaclyn knows, haha.

So tonight I got a little upset, and it was over a stupid reason, and my friend (I call him "big bro" since he's my big brother in a fraternity, if you know that business) was the one who set off my anger.

FYI: When I get mad, I like to be left alone. When my big bro gets someone mad, he does everything he can to fix the problem--like ask that mad person "Are you ok?" a lot.

Soooooooooo, there's sort of a problem there.

Does anyone else do what I do? When I'm mad, I don't want to fix it right away. I need that time to vent/throw a fit/be quiet/do whatever makes me feel better. Talking about it in the moment does not make me feel better. That is reserved for the day after.

I just felt like a bitch/knew I was acting kind of mean when I wouldn't answer his "Are you ok?" questions. I know that he means well. I can't hide anger when I'm angry...I just can't. And I can't stop it at the time, either.

Oh well.

Speaking of anger, did any of you catch the World Cup game between the U.S. and the Czech Republic??? Wow, we got shut down. It was embarrassing, to say the least.

So yeah, this post is depressing. You shouldn't be reading it and I shouldn't be writing it. haha, yet I still do. Hope you had a good day!!

I just don't understand.

All he had to do was show that he cares, and all the feelings came back to life.

Why? Am I desperate or something?

I think I actually still like him, although I was trying to tell myself that I didn't. You can't persuade the heart to not feel something it wants to feel.

I just thought I was done here. So what's going on?

Yeah, I think too much. We've already established that. But I still think about him. I still like him.

**I understand that this post may be confusing, but I haven't been posting about my love life (or lack there of) cause I was completely confused by it. And now I am more confused. So look at that! We're all confused here.**

I Say a Little Prayer for Us...

I HAD to post today simply because it is 6-6-06. Ahhhhhh! That's insane!!

And yeah, I'm going to see the Omen today. It's very fitting. But like I've said before, little devil children in movies scare the shit out of me. Oh gee, and I'm going to see a movie about the anti-christ. How special.

I just hope that crazy people (cause America definitely has some) don't pull any insane stunts today because of the date. It's happened before and you know it'll happen again.

So I say a little prayer for our safety. Oh yeah, and today is election day in CA. That is so priceless, I can't put it into words. hahahahahaha!!!!!! I love it!!!!!! Let's just elect the anti-christ please?

You just can't make this crap up. Real life is hilarious, I've decided.

The Rockies are callin' my name.

So remember I posted about wanting to take a trip REALLY badly?? Cause when I don't travel I feel like one of those stupid Americans that stay in their own little suburbia world and don't go anywhere?

Well Jaclyn (my partner in crime, and Rubio's excursions) and I decided that we should go to Colorado. No real reason why, excpet that it's not California, and it would be KICK ASS to leave the state.

Oh yeah, and Colorado is gorgeous like whoa.

There's just the small task of asking pops if I can borrow his car for the trip. Cause my '84 BMW would flip me the finger if I asked it to make that long trip. My Beamer is super touchy, and kind of a bitch sometimes, you know?

Yeah, so I don't know how to go about asking my dad to just give me his car. Must think of clever ways to go about it.

Unitl I figure it out, I'm excited. Yay for bad ass road trips (a 13-hour trip approximately)!!!

Put your hands where my eyes can see, yo.

So, you guys are gonna laugh at me, but I'll tell you anyway.

You know the show Total Request Live, right? Yeah, that show. Well it was in San Diego yesterday...and what did I do? I went to it.

I can make fun of myself, don't worry, cause it's quite funny.

And let me just say, the 13-year-old teeny-bopper in me secretly wished that *NSYNC would magically appear. Cause I used to watch that show when they were around, and yeah, I was a big fan. OK, a HUGE fan.

Did I honestly just mention that? I guess I have to reveal my secrets sooner or later.

ANYWAY...Ashlee Simpson was on (who indeed had a visible nose job...and I mean REALLY visible). She seemed nice, but fake mostly. So fake that during one part of the interview I wanted to cut off my arm and throw it at her, just to stop her from talking. But what did I expect from the Simpson family anyway? Not much. And that's what I got.

The GOOD part of the show was seeing Busta Rhymes perform, 1. because he's kind of lovable, and 2. because he's a KICK ASS performer. He controlled that crowd. And I love to dance, so I highly enjoyed it. I'm not even a big fan of rap! But it was great, really. I got down.

All I have to say is that it's funny to see what people wear, say and do to get on T.V., and it kind of makes me sad for America. What's the big deal anyway?

In the end, I got to dance and go to the beach at the same time...so it was great. I went to TRL and I'll admit it, damn it!!!!!

Give me music and the highway, please.

You know what song I've been overplaying recently? I may have mentioned this before, but let's mention it again. "Someone to Watch Over Me." I adorrrrrrrrre that song for it is so very gorgeous. The two best versions are by Billie Holiday and Ella Fitzgerald.

And to my delight, a co-worker with a beautiful voice sang it for me the other night. And she did a dead-on job, too. I couldn't move while she sang. My world just stopped and I had to close my eyes while the most beautiful of sounds resonated the air around me.

I ♥ music. The same thing happens to me with pianos too. Any piano that I hear playing around me makes me freeze in my steps.

For both, there has to be passion behind each note...and sadly, there's not much music that has that these days. Don't get me wrong, I still love to get superficially lost in the lastest pop song or rock out to old Bon Jovi tunes.

But real music creates it own world, a golden world free of sadness and pain. Even if the song is painful, it elevates you another place--a place where your pain vanishes. That's the best music.

You know what else is on my mind? Traveling. I MUST travel soon or I will lose my head. Seeing as I am poor and cannot afford to go to Italy like I would love, I'll have to settle for driving somewhere.

My wonderful friend Jaclyn and I have been devising a plan to head out on the open road toward Yosemite. A camping trip with the most beautiful of surroundings! And I haven't been there before, either. I'm excited and I PRAY that it will happen.

If I don't travel this summer, I'm gonna rip out my hair. And to think--I know people that haven't even been out of Southern California. WHAT is wrong with those fools??????

Alright, I'm done rambling for today. Just thought I'd share what's on my mind. :)

Maybe blondes do have more fun!

This week has been interesting thus far.

I've been called "1/16th Gay" by my friends. I'll go with that. Isn't everyone a little gay? Come on now. They called me this cause I was curious and wanted to feel the weight of my friend Bianca's boob. I am a small breasted girl (ain't nothin' wrong with that!) and I simply wanted to feel the weight she had to carry around all day long--which is a LOT, by the way. Hello back pain!!!

Hey, you'd do it too.

And while we're talking about Bianca, let me tell you a little story that went down last night. Heh.

So a few days ago, Bianca (who is tan, brunette and Brazilian I might add) asks me if she should go blonde.

I say, "Noooooooooo. Don't EVER go blonde. EVER. Alright?"

But does anyone listen to the voice of reason?? Apparently not. I get home from work last night, right? And there's Bianca, distressed and in the bathroom, with a head full of blonde-ish, orange, gold hair. Could we even call it hair? I didn't know that hair could even turn those colors.

"What did you do??????!!!!!!" I asked (while screaming of course). "I told you not to turn your hair blonde!!!"

"I know. But Rachel and Laura told me to go for it. And looked what happened," Bianca said.

"Yeah. I see what happened. Do you want to fix it?"

(She shakes her head "yes" the way a five-year-old would--you know, with that whole pouty face deal going on).

"Ok, let's go to the store. Get your blonde ass in the car."

Of course, she dresses in disguise from head to toe, and looks like a hoodlum (haha). Ali (my other roommate and I) proceed to bust out in laughter, asking "what, are you gonna rob the store?? Are you gonna demand, 'Give me the money or I'll show you my hair!' ?"

Poor Bianca. We got the mess straightened out. And I'm kinda glad she did it, cause it gave me a great few hours of laughter.

So yeah, I have to work today. But it's been a good week. These are things I'll remember forever, you know? And I think Bianca learned her lesson--in that she should NEVER go blonde. haha.

I need a Magic 8 Ball to give me some answers.

Today sort of sucks. But it sort of doesn't as well.

You see, the wind is blowing ever-so-lightly outside, and yeah, the sunshine is out too. The beach is calling my name. And the beach is my lover, so I yearn for it.

But I have to work. Gotta make the dollar bills, yo.

And to the subject of Carlos...he sends me mixed signals. He'll avoid me sometimes, and also be attentive at the same time. If that makes sense. Maybe because I always hang out with him and his friends (and I adore his friends). He talks to his friends for the most part, but if I call his name, he'll then give me all the attention.

So my question is, does this mean that he's just too nervous to talk to me sometimes? Or does he just not like me? It confuses me. I know I'm dwelling on this, but contrary to what you might think, I'm not agonizing over it at all.

I'd be fine just being his friend if that's all that's there. But I just don't know what's going on! Why are boys so confusing??? Who knew you guys were so darn complicated??? Or is it that your not complicated at all and I'm making you more complicated than I should? AHHHH!

The thing is, I know what the answer to this question is...I'm just avoiding it. To find the real answer, I need to ask him. Comm-un-i-ca-tion. Doesn't it always come down to that?

Yeah, pretty much. This is just frustrating because all I want is a simple answer, but all I get is a tangle of answers I have to sort through.

They Say Only Time Will Tell

I like him. But is there enough there?

I'm not sure.

People wonder why I prefer to be single, why I run away from relationships, this is why. It's confusing as fuck!

I think in many ways I am like a guy--in that I would just like for everything to be cut and dry and simple. Now if I could only start thinking like a guy, maybe I wouldn't be cramping my brain right now.

I think my instinct is telling me what I need to know. It always seems to do that somehow.

Like I said, only time will give me my freakin' answer. Well, that's just swell.

Home Sweet Home

So, here's what's going on with my roomate situation: Stefie, my blonde roomate (I don't know why I'm telling you she's blonde, I guess it seems somewhat important) is moving out, cause she wants to pay less (and live in a bit of a sketchier part of campus, honestly now).

Sooooo, I have two new roomates moving here. And at the moment, they are living in our living room, because their lease went out at their prior apartments. SO at the moment there are 5, count em, 5 girls living here. Craziness!!! But it's not that crazy, seeing as I used to live at the sorority house.

Anyway, summer is going good thus far...today I'm going to the beach!!!!!!!! YAY!! I loooooooooove the beach!!!!!!

Hope all you whities (er, and also non-whities) are getting some sun!!!

Sunday makes me happy. Period.

So I'm a little late for work right now. Oh well, they can suck it, cause that job doesn't matter anyway.

And I should have ate my words Saturday night...er Sunday morning. Sundays always end up being fabulous, no matter what.

And I know why: Yesterday was my first official day of summer break...I've had to work everyday since finals, except for glorious Sunday. It took that day to remind me that "Look! You have no real responsibilities!!!"

One day I shall have kids. And a real job. With real weight on my shoulders. But until that happens, I'll relish in the fact that I am young, a little crazy and, yeah, a little selfish. And I have a right to be.

So I should head off to work now before I become really late. haha.

Saturday, you kind of sucked.

Today was frustrating. It seemed that almost everything just went wrong. Until I came home and watched Spaceballs with my two new roomates (have I mentioned that before? I'll explain later).

Sometimes...I try to please people way too much. I think that's my problem. I need to look out for myself SOME of the time, geeeeez. I need to just let myself be MYSELF without worrying about those around me, if that makes sense.

I'm going to bed, so I don't analyze this too much. I think tomorrow will be smashing, seeing as I don't work and I can hang out for the first day of my summer. YAY. Goodnight.

Summertime, and the living is easy...

The best version of that song is by Sam Cooke. Hands down.

I feel, ahhhhhh, relieved. I took my last final today, and all I have to wait for is results. It is now time to relax.

But I think I gave the worng impression in my earlier posts, so let me just clear something up.

Yeah, school drives me crazy. Yeah, I'm lazy. Yeah, its hard for me to sit down and study the way I used to.

But...I love to learn. Love. Love. LOVE it.

I love the feeling you get when you learn something that truly touches your heart. Not just touches your heart, but rips open your chest and grabs your heart with an iron fist. I love it. And that happened this semester.

Sooo, I'm happy that I'm staying an extra year. If I took 7 classes each semester next year, I would lose the awe of learning that I adore. I would be so wrapped up in just doing well and getting through the year that I would lose an important part of myself--the part of Ashley that loves wandering libraries and grazing pictures of far far away lands.

That would be sad. So i'm not gonna rush. Why Americans rush so much anyway? Where are we going in such a hurry, and for God's sake, why don't we realize what we're sacrificing?

I'm not going to be in a rush to get out and get a job. In rushing through school, I would be putting aside life.

**********

On a lighter note...I need a tan. The beach is like totally calling my name right now, dude. (um, that's how we talk in California, so don't hate). Time to just enjoy the view.

God Help the Poor Student.

I'm slowly falling apart this week. Must. gather. strength...to...go...on.

I wrote 7 pages of my paper today in 4 hours. That's good for me considering that it usually takes me an hour a page (I'm annoyingly thorough).

These finals are killing me. No, wait. They're slaughtering me. I'm not quite sure how and why I'm typing right now. I've been staring at flashcards tonight for over 4 hours now and they're starting to do little dances in my head. So this is what it's like it go crazy...hmmm.

I just have a little more to go, and I will be free for the summer to do yoga (why the hell not?) and bum around at the beach. You know, get rid of my white-girl-ness and such.

Alllllllllmost done. I can almost taste it.

Got an Advil? Or Three?

Ahhhhh...this week might be the death of me. But I won't let it. Finals week here doth beginith.

Monday--study for my poli sci essay exam at 1 pm. By 3 pm, start my 9 page essay.
Tuesday--Finish 9 page essay and turn in by 3 pm. Start studying for Comm Final and Anthro Final.
Wednesday--Study some more for Comm (and pray that I get a decent grade on that freakin' test) and take test at 1 pm. Study more for Anthro test.
Thursday--Take Anthro test. Finals will be over. Buy a big drink to cure my headache.

So yeah. That'll be my week. Fuuuuuuuun.

Oh yeah--and update: I will be staying an extra year for school. I didn't want to die from stress nextyear by taking 7 classes per semester. So I went for the more spread-out route. And dad agreed, and wasn't upset (surprisingly).

Ok, I need rest...to all a good night!

"Hey! Look at that Red Herring!" Figures that argument would still work.

I am so SICK and TIRED of this whole "immigration debate." I love how this ALWAYS happens when conditions are poor in the United States. Every President seems to pull crap like this out at times like these. I can see Bush now:

"Let's seeeeee, we're at war, people are dying, my ratings are super low, gas prices are sky-rocketing and I won't fix that cause, ha, I have buddies in those oil industries that finance my campaign. Do they think I'm stupid? I'll just throw in a nice little distraction like I did last election with gay rights. To my fellow Americans: For God's sake! Don't think about war or the economy or gas prices, even though those issues are pressing right now. Think about immigration!!! That'll win us Republicans another election! Yiiiiiipeeee!"

Makes me sick. I'm not saying it's just Republicans that do this. It's politicians that do this. And we fall for it...look at the media, look at us. We've fallen for it.

And the war? Oh, well that's fallen into the background. Guess that's not so important anymore...

To Stay or Not to Stay?

Ok, so michelle brought up a really important question on her blog that I've been contemplating for a long long time. That question is, should I graduate a year later than I planned?

Typically, you are supposed to graduate in 4 years. However, my school is way overcrowded. We have over 30,000 students at this freakin' school, which makes it a little difficult to get classes sometimes. That's not to say that I can't do it. I'm actually able to graduate in 4 years.

Here are the pros to graduating in 4 years:

• I would graduate on time. That has to "look good" in general.
• I'd obviously be saving moo-lah. And dude, I am poor. And my dad has reminded me that he will only help out financially for 4 years. And that's understandable. It would really suck to be in debt...and the consequences of being in debt would follow me FOREVER. I'm not saying that I would go in debt, but it's quite possible.
• It's a new/exciting time in life I wouldn't have to wait for.
• How much more school and studying can I really take?

Here are the pros to gradutating in 5 years:

• I don 't want to grow up. I want to stay in school forever. Believe me, I realize the childishness of this argument, but it doesn't mean I don't feel it. Am I ready to enter the work force? I mean, am I really ready? I know that no one is REALLY prepared and really I should just get over it...but I also don't want to be a little lamb ripped apart by the hungry wolves in the world...I want to feel MORE prepared.
• If I take less classes per semester (since they would be spread out over 2 years rather than one) I could actually fit some internships in. It would be fantastic (and wise) to have some internships (even just one) under my belt. Not just for resumes, but to gain experience and knowledge in general.
• I could actually work for the newspaper. I know I've brought this up many, many times before, but I've never had time for it. If I'm gonna write for the newspaper, I want to actually be on the staff, and not just a contributing writer. I want to put my all into it. And there's no way I have time for that now or next year (if I were to graduate).
• I'm not going to grad school, so it't not like I'm adding on yet another year of schooling onto my list. After San Diego State, I'm done.
• I just don't feel ready to graduate. I just don't. I know that I still have another year to really assess if I feel ready...but is year really that much time???

Ok, so I've hit every angle, I believe. If you actually read this huge tangle of an argument, give me some feedback. Tell me what you did and how it went. I'm curious, and I'm confused. I just need help in general!!

Oh, I'm lost.

Soooo I had to go and do it.

And now I've done it and I'm hooked. For-ever. Forrrr-evvvv-errrrr.

I freakin' watched LOST on ABC last week, and now I can't stop watching it. That show reminds me of Stephen King movies, like hardcore. It's such a mystery/pain in the ass to watch, but I love it so very much now.

The episode that was on tonight was INSANE!!! I loved it!

Dammit!! I didn't want to be hooked on any T.V., but there's no escaping it!!! Damn you LOST!!!

I love fruit snacks. and good shirt sayings.

Mmmmm. I'm eating fruit snacks right now, they are so delightfully good! I used to loooove fruit roll-ups when I was a wee little girl, so I love eating fruity-snacky-type things now cause they remind me of a simpler time.

I'm not too stressed out right now. And I won't be this week. And that's cause ALL of my finals are conveniently next week...so I will be conveniently stressed out then. Cause why would I study this week when I can study everything next week, right? Sounds like a plan to me.

The other day I saw a shirt that made me laugh for a good minute. It said "Procrastinators of the world unite, tomorrow!"

hahaha. I love it.

What?

How come it's overcast in SUNNY San Diego???

WHAT is up with that?

Ahhhh...with every tick of the clock finals do cometh closer!! Man the gates! Let's try to fend those bloody finals off!! Those wank buggers are going down!!

It's ok, I've got weapons: Famous Amos cookies, Pringles, Kix cereal, taquitos and cheeeeeese. Mmmmm. I'm set. Next stop? Stress City. (I'll try to not stress too much).

Fresh Sunday Air

Oh my goodness.

It's Sunday and I have NOTHING to do today. NOTHING. I am in. heavenly.bliss. Especially cause I was freaking out earlier this week, not to mention yesterday when I lost my debit card. I know, I know...smooooooth.

But in the midst of freaking out over my lost debit card, I learned that one of my dad's best friends died. He was a jolly, happy, hilarious man...and all of a sudden, I felt selfish. Selfish for freaking out over a stupid lost piece of plastic.

Someone lost a dad yesterday. Someone lost a lover yesterday. Someone lost a chunk of their heart yesterday.

And so today, I'm revelling in being alive. And learning to relax a little more this week. And learning to just take it easy--that's right, easy like sunday morning. :)

And I just want to say, rest in peace, dear Doyle, for you were a lovely man.

How am I still typing?

WOW. I am amazed. I finished that loooooong ass essay I had to write...it didn't end up being, ahem, 15 pages...but the 12 1/2 pages I did manage to squeeze out will have to do. Seriously, that was the longest essay I've ever had to write, cause in Journalism, there's no such thing as a freakin' 15-page article!!! Freakin Poli Sci! You nearly killed me, you and your long research papers!!!

So I feel slightly better. A little more relaxed. And I started reading a new book. A book that everyone and their mom has read, but a book none the less. It's The Da Vinci Code. Have you heard of it? Maybe not, it's kind of quaint and hasn't had much publicity, you know? haha. I figured I would give that freakin' book a go.

Alright, I'm off to bed soon, cause I'm tired. More than tired, I'm exhausted. Writing a loooong ass essay then working right after will do that to ya. Go figure. And bed sounds sooooooo very nice right now, ahhhhhh....

Headaches are abundant this time of year.

I'm on my second cup of coffee today and my head is doing circles around my body. Probably won't be my last cup, as to remain sane in this crazy, stressful life.

Yeah, I'm definitely stressed. I need to whip out 15 pages of political nonsense, try to sound smart and caring about it, and have it all done by Friday. And I love politics, but this is on campaigns and elections, and it all kind of makes me sick. It's the most devious, horrible aspect of politics. I figure I'll write about something easy like how Clinton layed the SMACKDOWN on Bush in '92. Hahaha...I'm totally a liberal. I just don't feel like whipping out a research paper...but this is my punishment for procrastinating. Serves me right!!

I just want it to be summer soooooooo bad. I just want to not be confused about life. Wait, that NEVER happens. There I go being analytical again *pinching myself*....ahhhh, what am I going to do with myself this week?????

Life is Funny and Strange

What you think one day might be changed the next day. And why is that? Why is it that humans have the capability of changing their minds? Do animals have that capability? It's a burden that we have, and a blessing too.

I don't know what I'm really rambling on about...all I know is that today is confusing and I am officially perplexed.

Why do I torture myself so?

Just some snapshots from my formal...

I really love this picture, Lara and I look FABULOSO!
Just showing off my make-up in a dorky way...
Forget the westside in the background, I like this picture, anyway.
I have hot friends, don't I?

So yeah, I could have put pictures of Carlos on here, but I didn't want to exploit him. Even though I just exploited all my other friends, haha. But you get the point. Yay for pictures! I love them!

Um, yeah.

All I have to say about The White House Correspondents Dinner is that Colbert SLAMMED the President. And not just the President, but the media too. Harsh!

And whether or not you thought it was appropriate, you gotta give him some props for standing up and speaking his mind freely RIGHT in front of the president. That took some guts. And again, though maybe not appropriate, THANK GOD for freedom of speech--something all Americans should agree on.

We have the freedom to make fun of Republicans, Democrats and all the in-betweens. I highly value and cherish that freedom.

And I will say that President Dubya actually did a fabulous job this time around when it came to his speech. Say it with me..."nuclear proliferation."

About my weekend:

Ahhhhh...I got 10 hours of sleep, and I feel mighty fine. Yesterday I was getting a little grumpy. Ashley without sleep+a day of work and meetings=a not very happy/lively girl. But today I feel a little more refreshed!

Sooooo, about my formal. I had a lot of fun. Good thing Sweater Guy liked to dance cause, honey, I like to get down. Do you not remember my last picture? Come on now! Of course I still get a tad nervous around him. I'm never gonna help that though. When I'm excited about something, about anything really, nervousness comes along with the package. It's just part of my personality, I guess.

My favorite part: slow dancing, of course. Cause I LOVE it. I LOVE dancing cheek to cheek with all of my little heart.

And yeah, I like him (well DUH, you people know that). But I'm in no rush to start anything. He's gonna be here for the summer and I'm gonna be here for the summer too. And that'll be a good time to really become his friend.

****

I don't know how one goes about turning around her worrying ways, since I worry WAY too much, but I'm attempting. Here's for a summer of just letting things flow, and here's to cutting down my over-analyzing mind!

Frantic Friday

Ahhhh...this upcoming week is going to be hectic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

• I have to search for a new apartment last minute (I'll explain this later).
• I need to write a 15-page paper due next Friday. yeah, I knew about this ALL semester.
• I need to make the budget for a day of Rush. And plan all the details of that day.
• I need to make sure I can pay all my bills for this month (this ALWAYS stresses me out).

But on the plus side, my sorority's formal dance is tomorrow and yeah, I'm bringing a date. $5 to the person who can guess my date. Well, actually, how about a pat on the back? Cause, yeah, I'm broke.